I have a rule, it’s quite simple, no sex on a Sunday. A lot of people think I’m joking when I say this, but a review the immaculate logic behind this rule may change your mind.
The thought process starts with The Big Man Upstairs. According to my Sunday School teacher He is omnipotent, transient and all sorts of other omnis (Of course omnibus excluded I’d expect)
As things go, I’d imagine there’s usually quite a bit for Him to do on a daily basis, you know, given that humans are quite the fucked up species, so weekdays are probably one big blur of drowning His sorrows at the outcome of His creation.
Sunday’s are however, quite special. You see, there is usually an unparalleled peak in name calling activity on Sundays. The name in question being His. Every Tom, Dick and Henrietta who has been involved in various forms of debauchery during the week usually feels the need to cry unto Him for one reason or another (In prayer and whatnot). As thus, I’d imagine that He is forced to peer suspiciously towards earth on Sundays as the clamour must be quite distracting.
So how does this affect matters carnal you ask? Well, in lieu of the facts outlined above, why the hell would you want to have hot, torrid, pay-per-view sex on a Sunday when there is a high probability that God is watching?!
Sure there is nothing wrong with sex but I’m pretty sure accidental voyeurism of your sorry ass will not score you points with Him (yeah, you’re not that good at it!). I mean, if you’re screaming “OMG! OMG!” on a Sunday and He looks your way and finds that it wasn’t said while kneeling at a pew in supplication, He might be a wee bit miffed, which is never a good thing.
Therefore, to avoid being struck by lightning or losing girl-scout points with The Big Man Upstairs, I suggest we all obey the no sex on a Sunday rule. (Yes boys and girls, this includes self service too. It’d be worse if you were seen doing that, He’d chalk you off as a loser and laugh at you which would make for a very embarrassing entrance to the pearly gates someday.)
If you see me around, buy me a couple of drinks and I might just let you in on my theory about the origin of mankind 😉