cock block. Get it?

According to this article,  cock blocking is quite accurately defined as the “foul act in which someone interferes with another’s attempt at finding happiness inside someone’s pants.” I’m pretty sure that a lot of guys have at one (or more) point in life been a victim of this very criminal, sadistic act.

However, cock blocking is indeed a very important part of the mating game, a very important tactic that if mastered skillfully can work very well in your advantage. And there are cases where it is necessary to cockblock. Let’s look at some of them.

Freeloading cockblockers (madharau ya bure)

This is a very common occurrence. You meet a chic at the club. You throw her a few raoz. You flirt suggestively and get her into your frame of lateral thinking. At the end of the night, you decide to push the lateral agenda further by suggesting that you go back to your place. Then she says

“Sorry, I can’t. Aunty Flo is in town”

(Either that or she pulls a  bitch-ass “my boyfriend is here” move)

Some unfortunate guys have had the misfortune of taking her home, then after successfully getting 90% of the clothes off and reaching into the bedside drawer to get some rubber, she tells you that she can’t coz she’s on her period.

Sitoi!!

WTF???

Seriously! When you got into his car and ended up at his house, in his bed, just what on earth did you think was going to happen? You’re both gonna hold hands and sing the anthem? Unity is a good thing, but I’m pretty sure that the dude was looking for unity of another nature. The “Two become one” type! As the TV ads said, “Wacha ushenzi!”

If this happens to you, you are well within your rights to evict her from your residence as swiftly as humanly possible.

Girls in groups

Whenever you come across girls in a group of more than 3, and you have your eye on one of them, that right there is a close to impossible situation. These girls will sit there and scrutinize everything about a guy and chomoa you marks. Or they’ll be too engrossed in their vibe. If you’re lucky enough to isolate said damsel, yaani divide and conquer, then you’re in luck. Coz as long as she’s with her pals, you don’t stand a chance.

So let’s say that you finally manage to get some alone time with her and you unleash your two bob vibes, drinks and all that you possibly can to get her interested in engaging in coitus with you, rest assured there’s no way you’re going home with her coz right at that moment, her pals will swiftly close ranks and cockblock that agenda.

Come on ladies, just coz you ain’t getting none tonight doesn’t mean that you should prevent your friend from having some pretty good sex! It’s all about free will. If she’s feeling his vibe, she’s got a perfectly good head on her shoulders (hopefully) so let her decide for herself. Get yourself a man too, or bugger off!

Compe ni compe roho safi

…Kila mtu ajitetee roho safi.

This right here refers to straight up game chafu competitive cockblocking. Nothing is fair in [sex] love and war. Imagine a scenario where two guy pals both fancy one chic, and neither of them wants to step aside and let the other conquer. So they both decide to press on and see whoever’s game is better. In such situations, there is no need to compete coz what happens if your pal is a well versed cunning linguist? And I do mean that in the most transparent of terms. He can talk his way into a girl’s pants in ten minutes flat *cough* Milo *cough* and you know for sure that you can’t compete with him on that level, then it’s only natural to fyeka him kabisa.

Two guys vibing one chic is quite an interesting scenario and provides an opportunity to employ several different cock-blocking tactics.

Guy 1: …so this time we had a bash at my pal’s house and it was crazy!

Guy 2: Dude, si that’s the time you got so boozed that you blacked out and crapped on yourself? You always do that when you’re high!!

Consider yourself cock-blocked.

Guy 1: “Wsup Mato! I see you’ve met Trish.”

Guy 2: “Yeah, we’ve met.”

Guy 1: “So Mato tell me, how’s the herpes? Ulipona?”

Trish: Wuuuuuiiiiiii! *scatters*

There’s no recovery from this one. Quietly exit stage left.

Guy 1: Dude, is your phone off? Your chic is calling me on my phone looking for you.

Guy 2: *embarrassed* “Gimme a sec.

Chic: You mean he has a chic?

Guy 1: He didn’t tell you?

Chic: Imagine nooooo!

Guy 1: Yeah, they’ve been together almost 3 years now. Kwanza he’s taking her to coasto this weekend to propose. We just picked out the ring last week!

By the time you realize that that wasn’t your chic on the phone, it’s too late. Consider yourself cock-blocked.

In such cases, don’t hate the playa, hate the game. You’ve been sliced clean. No need throwing a bitch-fit when it finally dawns on you that your boy has cock blocked you. Keep your chin up and keep walking.

VDS*

If there’s this one girl whose pants you’ve been trying to get into for quite some time. However, she always has this pal who always shows up and becomes a third wheel in your vibe. Most times said pal has chapad kabisa so taking her home with you is not a plan. Besides, threesomes are cumbersome. Such perpetual and seasoned blockers of cock are hereby referred to as Van der Sar coz there’s no way in hell that she’s letting you score!

Edwin Van der Sar

Case in point, there’s a chic who I’ve been trying to slay. But whenever I think up a plan of let’s go hang out somewhere & have drinks then see where the day/night takes us, we agree to meet up somewhere, then when I arrive and suggest

“Si we go?”

The response is always

“Actually I’m just waiting for *insert pal’s name* to come. I hope you don’t mind.”

Aaaaargh! What the bloody fuck? Third wheel syndrome. And twice I’ve had to call up two of my boys who were hoovering somewhere in the vicinity to come and neutralize the equation. But whenever they show up, said third wheel is always more interested in catching up with said target, or butting into our conversations. There’s just no escaping the long arms of Van der Sar!

Where cock blocking is absolutely necessary.

Guys, how many times has your boy come close to chipsing a chic who is well known to have more mileage than a Bayusuf & Sons 18 wheeler? Or a chic who you know that you absolutely wouldn’t touch with a five foot pole, and gloves to boot? IT IS YOUR DUTY to cock block him on humanitarian grounds by any means necessary. Yes it is! It may be ugly, but you’ll soon be forgiven.

One fine Friday night a few years ago in South Africa, it was the end of exam week, so all students hit the pub for an evening of serious #beershara. And we all know what goes down when you have hundreds of university students in a pub on Friday. If you don’t get laid, then game yako iko down kama basement!

I was seated at a table with a bunch of Kenyans, checking out the local scenery before zeroing in on possible targets. Enter my pal with a coloured chic, fine as fuck. When I say fine, best believe this woman was FWYNE!! Dangerously fine. Pretty yellow yellow, clad in a tiny top revealing her sumptuous cleavage and black leather hipsters outlining her thunder thighs that can easily give even Archbishop Ndingi mwana a’ Nzeki something devilish to think about.

That’s where the problem came in. See, said pal was one of the senior and most respected Kenyans in the university. And this chic had quite a chequered history, which included rumours of an STD after a guy that we know came and confessed his rather painful dilemma after his encounter with her. Yes, he got gonorrhea.

My pal was so all over her vibe. Drinks flowing, dirty dancing all over the place and basically performing fingerskating aka yellow pages. We all knew what was about to go down, but how on earth were we supposed to tell him that she was bad news? Two guys tried to hola at him kando but to no avail.

At the end of the night, just as we noticed that he was about to leave with said chic, desperate measures had to be taken. At that exact moment, this song was playing on the club speakers. We all got atop our seats and crossed our arms to form an X, and improvised the lyrics. Sing along now, won’t you?

Gonooooooorhea! She has! She has! Go go go Gonooooooooorhea!


Let’s just say he wasn’t the least bit amused, (neither was she) but it was absolutely necessary lest he came crying to us later with more than just an itch in his sehemu nyetis. We don’t know what went down after they left the club. He didn’t tell us.

Another situation. What if your boy, who has a girlfriend/wife is acting a fool, and is about to chips a chic, in a crowded place where there are enough eyewitnesses to guarantee that he will be sold out to his significant other even before he gets home? It is imperative upon you to make sure that he doesn’t get caught cheating. Real friends don’t let their friends walk into a trap.

If you see a female friend or your boy’s little sister about to be chipsed by a dude you know is bad news, then it’s also your duty to cock block that agenda on humanitarian grounds.

Anyway, there are rules to cock blocking.

1.       Never cockblock a dude unless you had intentions on said target. That’s just malicious and is punishable by death.

2.       If you’re the victim of a cock block, take it like a man. Accept it, it’s part of the game. You live to fight another day.

3.       Whatever you do, be careful not to cockblock yourself. That’s sexual suicide.

What’s on my playlist?

I Just Had Sex – Lonely Island feat. Akon

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