By Ndimi Tamu

I do not remember one day getting up gleefully and proudly naming myself a woman’s man. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of joy dealing with genderius tenderit. I’ve also had my fair share of drama. And the training that I received from it. When I was a little boy my father taught me that amusing people would almost always get you what you wanted. And I saw him do it with my mother.

When I joined high school, I, being a poor and confused rabble, was forced to walk over and talk to a girl. Goes the conversation –

Me: Hi, I’m Ndimi.

She: I’m Happy.

Me: So am I.

Apparently her name really was Happy. She never spoke to me again. Yet, I was relentless. I had to learn from my mistakes. And learn I did. So, when I was in fourth form I met this finest of lasses and locked my missiles on her. She famously came to be known as my high school sweetheart. Not until I tried to engage her post-school and took her to City Park for a date. She dumped me like a bad habit. For some bloke less broke than I was. Between you and I, late last year I met her at a wedding of a friend of me. She recognized me. She was with her fiancé. I asked her to accompany me to some place to get some stuff. And while at the place, I got my stuff sweet sweet revenge. She can now get married in peace.

Back to historical facts. I’ve just started working. At a mere age of 20. My boy throws a party and my love for free fun couldn’t hold my horse pipe. So I meet this lass. Fine as mahogany. Got me high on adrenalin. She looked (was) 28. Cougar alert. She was boss at one of the suburban shopping malls in Nairobi. My shy self did not have the cojones to steal glances, let alone approach her. But a couple days later I had her number, thanks to my boy, and called. From that moment on, she role played. My work was just to act Mr Yes Man and she would rain on me like a naughty hawk. Until one day she unleashed news that she wanted offspring from my divine well of life. I ran like a rain deer. She did find a live donor, as I later came to know. And 5 years later, I meet her and her son, and she goes, My son could really do with a daddy. What you doing with yourself again?

I’m not one for relationships at the work place. Out of experience. Miriam was a colleague. A true definite of a modern high flier. She was so graceful we would all get distracted as she passed by, 20 metres away. Even my married boss would stammer. So one day as I was attending to her professionally, I decided to get cosy. She got rosy. Needless to say, a four month fling ensued. We were all getting our fair share of the deal until the day she introduced me to her dad on Valentines day as a potential hooks. She wanted to get married. I ran. She was outraged. Then threatened to kill me. In the workplace. A few months later my friend, genuinely interested, proposed to her. She refused. She did not want to get married. Ever.

I was starting to get tired of flings and mipangos. I decided that it was in everyone’s best interest that I date seriously. Found me the best possible girl. Gorgeous. Charming. Clever. Focused. Religious. I had started getting close to Jesus and I needed this kind of woman next to me. She was only going to lose her virginity to her husband, she’d warned me. Fast forward 3 months, when I had gotten accustomed to the idea of abstinence (it works!) and even starting to like it. We went on a picnic. Then she grabs me. It was time, and she did not want to wait no more. A cherry had to vanish from top of the cake. Believe it or not, we separated because of that. I wanted to keep my word at least on one thing. This time to Jesus. (Well, a year later we met. And well, you know…humanity is weak…)

I met this fierce broad called Karimi. Vicious. I like vicious. I asked her whether she minded some real KARI-ing on MI-lap. She took one swipe at me and retorted,

‘I know your type, the kind that thinks you can get any woman you want. I won’t let you. Sod off.’

She said this viciously. My ego was a little bruised. I was not sure I wanted to confront her ever again. A few months later on a busy afternoon she finds me somewhere in a server room, busy building the nation. She asked for my lap of honour. I gave her a standing ovation. Viciously (did I mention I like vicious?) But the change of mind I did not understand one bit.

I took another attempt at serious dating. This time around I decided to get me a rebound ball, having not liked the idea of finding myself in the lights *mataa* when shit got with the last attempt as seriousness. The rebound was happy with her role. Then she was not. She wanted all or none. Heck, I was having a great time with my mikai (essentially) and was not about to lose her over my bounce ball. She offered to leave and I let her. After all, I was happy. Today she found me online, 2 years later. She tells me she has some serious 2011 resolutions. She’s gonna fight. For me. And she has to, must make me her own. Forget the Missus. She’s no match for her, she alleged.

Women, what really do you want?

What’s on my Playlist?

Jamiroquai – She’s a fast persuader