January 2011


By Ndimi Tamu

I do not remember one day getting up gleefully and proudly naming myself a woman’s man. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of joy dealing with genderius tenderit. I’ve also had my fair share of drama. And the training that I received from it. When I was a little boy my father taught me that amusing people would almost always get you what you wanted. And I saw him do it with my mother.

When I joined high school, I, being a poor and confused rabble, was forced to walk over and talk to a girl. Goes the conversation –

Me: Hi, I’m Ndimi.

She: I’m Happy.

Me: So am I.

Apparently her name really was Happy. She never spoke to me again. Yet, I was relentless. I had to learn from my mistakes. And learn I did. So, when I was in fourth form I met this finest of lasses and locked my missiles on her. She famously came to be known as my high school sweetheart. Not until I tried to engage her post-school and took her to City Park for a date. She dumped me like a bad habit. For some bloke less broke than I was. Between you and I, late last year I met her at a wedding of a friend of me. She recognized me. She was with her fiancé. I asked her to accompany me to some place to get some stuff. And while at the place, I got my stuff sweet sweet revenge. She can now get married in peace.

Back to historical facts. I’ve just started working. At a mere age of 20. My boy throws a party and my love for free fun couldn’t hold my horse pipe. So I meet this lass. Fine as mahogany. Got me high on adrenalin. She looked (was) 28. Cougar alert. She was boss at one of the suburban shopping malls in Nairobi. My shy self did not have the cojones to steal glances, let alone approach her. But a couple days later I had her number, thanks to my boy, and called. From that moment on, she role played. My work was just to act Mr Yes Man and she would rain on me like a naughty hawk. Until one day she unleashed news that she wanted offspring from my divine well of life. I ran like a rain deer. She did find a live donor, as I later came to know. And 5 years later, I meet her and her son, and she goes, My son could really do with a daddy. What you doing with yourself again?

I’m not one for relationships at the work place. Out of experience. Miriam was a colleague. A true definite of a modern high flier. She was so graceful we would all get distracted as she passed by, 20 metres away. Even my married boss would stammer. So one day as I was attending to her professionally, I decided to get cosy. She got rosy. Needless to say, a four month fling ensued. We were all getting our fair share of the deal until the day she introduced me to her dad on Valentines day as a potential hooks. She wanted to get married. I ran. She was outraged. Then threatened to kill me. In the workplace. A few months later my friend, genuinely interested, proposed to her. She refused. She did not want to get married. Ever.

I was starting to get tired of flings and mipangos. I decided that it was in everyone’s best interest that I date seriously. Found me the best possible girl. Gorgeous. Charming. Clever. Focused. Religious. I had started getting close to Jesus and I needed this kind of woman next to me. She was only going to lose her virginity to her husband, she’d warned me. Fast forward 3 months, when I had gotten accustomed to the idea of abstinence (it works!) and even starting to like it. We went on a picnic. Then she grabs me. It was time, and she did not want to wait no more. A cherry had to vanish from top of the cake. Believe it or not, we separated because of that. I wanted to keep my word at least on one thing. This time to Jesus. (Well, a year later we met. And well, you know…humanity is weak…)

I met this fierce broad called Karimi. Vicious. I like vicious. I asked her whether she minded some real KARI-ing on MI-lap. She took one swipe at me and retorted,

‘I know your type, the kind that thinks you can get any woman you want. I won’t let you. Sod off.’

She said this viciously. My ego was a little bruised. I was not sure I wanted to confront her ever again. A few months later on a busy afternoon she finds me somewhere in a server room, busy building the nation. She asked for my lap of honour. I gave her a standing ovation. Viciously (did I mention I like vicious?) But the change of mind I did not understand one bit.

I took another attempt at serious dating. This time around I decided to get me a rebound ball, having not liked the idea of finding myself in the lights *mataa* when shit got with the last attempt as seriousness. The rebound was happy with her role. Then she was not. She wanted all or none. Heck, I was having a great time with my mikai (essentially) and was not about to lose her over my bounce ball. She offered to leave and I let her. After all, I was happy. Today she found me online, 2 years later. She tells me she has some serious 2011 resolutions. She’s gonna fight. For me. And she has to, must make me her own. Forget the Missus. She’s no match for her, she alleged.

Women, what really do you want?

What’s on my Playlist?

Jamiroquai – She’s a fast persuader

I know I’m late to the party, but happy new year to everyone.

You know the way you see certain things happen to “other people” but you tend not to think too much about them because it hasn’t happened to you? Name any situation. We normally tend to brush things aside until they happen to us, or those who are close to us.

December was a rough month. First, Al Shabaab struck a bit too close to home. My cousin Zack and his girlfriend Kellie were among the passengers about to board the Kampala Coach bus when a grenade exploded, killing two people and injuring many.

I was at home having dinner with my brother when the call came. Zack sounded very panicked, which I’ve never seen him before coz he’s one of those guys who always has his shit in check and rarely betrays emotion. I could tell that it was bad. And it was. He sustained shrapnel injuries, including damage to the cornea in one eye. Kellie sustained a fractured leg and lost a lot of blood. However, I’m glad to report after a few surgeries, plenty of pizza, carrot cakes, flowers, chocolate, flavoured milk, ice cream, Heineken and lots of prayers that they’ve both been discharged from hospital and they’re making steady progress towards recovery.

After that incident, I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one who sat up and gave more thought to the increasing risk of extremist related attacks by Al-Shabaab which is threatening to destabilize the entire East African region. How much are Kenya’s security organs doing to curb the proliferation of small arms, as well as collecting and properly utilizing intelligence to prevent such incidents from occurring again? We all saw what happened when Kenya’s security network went to sleep before and during the 2007 elections. If solid measures are not taken immediately, who knows how many such incidents will occur in future?

This however is not, and should not be a front to target the Somali community in Kenya. I’m saying this because shortly after the bombing, some stupid hate speech against Somalis was made on Twitter by a few individuals who should know better given their *claimed* educational and professional qualifications. How many Somalis do you know? Have they ever bombed your house? Don’t be stupid. Think first before you make such remarks. One such individual is a well known conman who really ought to focus on getting his affairs in order before he’s hauled into court one of these fine days.

A few days later, another friend had an unfortunate accident caused by a reckless motorist who bumped her car off the road and sped off.  She rolled twice, but thankfully she emerged largely unscathed. The car however, was a write off.

December wasn’t done yet. Just last Saturday I paid my last respects to two very close friends of mine who were killed in an accident on the Nakuru/Naivasha highway. They were overtaking a car, when the driver of said car decided to speed up, thus not giving them room to pass. Left with no room to either overtake or return to their lane, they crashed head on into an oncoming vehicle and died instantly. The driver of the other car sped off from the scene.

Sidney and I were in Alliance High School together over a decade ago, although we only knew of each other then. Later we became neighbours in Kileleshwa and that’s when we really hit it off. There are some people you come across in life and you know right there and then that they are golden, truly one of a kind. Sido was one of them. Through him I met his neighbour Gilbert aka Gish, who also perished in the crash. I’m extremely sad that I will never see either of them again in this lifetime. They were both so full of potential and it is indeed unfortunate to see their young lives cut short before they had a chance to positively influence this country of ours. R.I.P. Sido & Gish. You may be gone but your memories will forever live on.

After these two accidents, I think we really ought to be more careful on the roads. Driving safely doesn’t just involve not drinking and driving, but trying to be more alert coz you never know which cretin you share the tarmac with.

Two Fridays ago, I had a meeting with my boss at 10am. There I was in town, running some errands and all that. Come 9:40am, I decided to take a cab to boss’s office instead of taking a City Hoppa which would have taken about 45 minutes. I must point out that many Nairobians walk in town as if they’re giving birth, uselessly ogling at things in shop windows that they can probably can’t afford. It’s good to be ambitious, lemme not put them down, but for Christ’s sake there are those of us always in a hurry so please avoid having mini-kamkunjis and romancing each other on the street! Therefore while walking in town, I tend to follow the path of least resistance.

I spotted a cab on the opposite side of the road and decided to vuka when voila, two pairs of stong arms grabbed me by the waist and shirt collar from either side. Thinking I was being mugged (I had my laptop and two phones on me) I tried to resist, elbowing and kicking said assailants. That was until I saw a fat woman in a Kanjo uniform giving instructions to the two men.

Ati kana-nyeta? Rusha huyo nyang’au dani!

 


 

And that’s how I found my diabs enskwonced inside a smelly City Council van, along with about 12 other hapless Nairobians. Apparently I was arrested for jaywalking aka kuvuka barabara pahali ambapo hakuna zebra crossing.

(Before you laugh, it’s happened to the best of us)

They detained me in the van for well over 45 minutes before one of them opened the door and declared

Soh tano tano ama mlale ndani!


As I’d just come from the ATM, I had a solid thao and a loose 50 bob note in my wallet. I wasn’t about to negotiate coz all I could think of was that I was already in shit at work, and I’d rather show up late with a solid excuse than not show up at all. I opened my wallet and handed over the thao note, foolishly expecting to receive change.

Kijana unadhani hapa ni kiosk? Toka na uende!


A thousand bob gone just like that. NKT!! Ninaomba serikali tafadhali pris, inirudishie at least soh tano. This is Janworry bana, things are thick!

Immediately I called the office and informed the boss’s PA of what had happened, politely requesting her to inform him in case he was pissed off. But instead she burst into a fit of laughter and told me to do that myself. How helpful. And after I told him, he also replied in a manner suggesting that he also had a good laugh at my unfortunate experience. Let’s see him laugh after I send him an invoice for that 1000 bob. Si it was incurred in the process of job related activities? Haiya?!

FOKOJEMBES OF THE MONTH

Honourable Members of Parliament

Kenya Parliament

Kenya Parliament

If ever there was a global award for callous insensitivity, it goes without say that Kenyan M-Pumbavus would win that award hands down. Calling them MPigs (for their gluttony) would be an insult to pigs, coz at least they have numerous benefits. If it’s not enough that they refuse to pay tax on their generous salaries and allowances while the common mwananchi does, they are massively corrupt. Some are well known powder pharmacists drug barons. But what pisses me off is how brazenly they decided to pull Kenya out of the Rome Statute that set up the International Criminal Court (ICC), thinking that it will save the Ocampo 6 from prosecution. The same idiots who overwhelmingly supported the new constitution and swore to uphold it. Did they consult the electorate before doing that? And while Kenyans starve due to drought and IDPs are still languishing in camps, they not only have the audacity to ask “Kenyans of goodwill” to contribute money towards the suspects’ defence funds, but they intend to use PUBLIC FUNDS to set up said defence funds to the tune of Ksh 250 MILLION per suspect??

They really must be a special kind of stupid.

Anything I say after this might just be termed as hate speech or incitement towards violence. All I’ll say is that I hope M-Pumbavus have been paying close attention to the goings on in Tunisia over the past week.

What’s on my Playlist?

Madonna – Nothing Fails