Guys, how many times has this happened to you? You meet a pretty chic at the club and start conversation. You buy her a drink, which over time becomes several drinks. More often than not, they’re expensive cocktails, but at the back of your mind, you assume that you’re safe since she seems to be responding well to your vibe. But you fail to notice her fiddling on her phone. A long time later, when your wallet has been reduced to denominations that only allow you to buy boiled eggs and kachumbari along Electric Avenue (Westi) a random chap appears from heaven knows where and kisses the girl you’re flirting with.

Oh, this is my boyfriend, Tom. Tom, this is Archer, I just met him.

And just like that, all your hopes of lateral satisfaction have been dashed. Looks like you’ll be holding the sausage hostage tonight. Not just that, but you’ve just become a victim of what I call kuchemsha maji. In literal terms, you’ve just boiled water for someone else to come and take a bath. Kenyan chics are just shameless like that.

Guys buying drinks for ladies at the pub has for years been perceived as the ideal conversation starter. Let’s face it, pick up lines are stale, childish, cheesy and don’t work, period. The most effective way to break the ice with that fine damsel that’s caught your eye is to walk up to her and be frank. I hear that ladies are drawn to bold men. Just walk up to her and introduce yourself.

Hi, my name is Archer and I think you’re very pretty. May I ask your name?

This will most times elicit a smile from said damsel. And if she’s sufficiently drawn to your bold approach, she’ll give you her name. Then, naturally, what follows next? Oftentimes it’s

May I buy you a drink?

At this point, I would like you to completely bench what you’ve seen in the movies, that the chic will graciously accept your kind offer, not because she can’t afford to buy one for herself, but because she is open to the idea of having a conversation with you.

Let’s narrow it down to the Kenyan scenario. Majority of chics will happily accept your drinks offer, regardless of whether or not she is welcome to your advances. And if she was drinking a Tusker Malt or a Smirnoff Ice (aka Panty dropper) when you met her, she immediately upgrades her taste as soon as you offer to buy her a drink. What’s up with that??? And she’ll gulp down the cocktails bought with your hard-earned cash knowing in her mind that as long as she keeps smiling and acting interested in your vibe (unless you’ve chapad ile mbaya with a face that only a mother can love, eg this chap). But there is absolutely no guarantee that she will hang around after that. And if you, like me, are waiting for the day a Kenyan chic will offer to buy you a drink, keep waiting.

Some argue that no man ever buys a girl a drink without strings attached. Which is somewhat true. Unless the guy is your pal and you know for sure that he has no lateral ambitions, all men have an agenda behind buying you a drink. But that’s as far as it goes. Some men use this approach to intoxicate the chic with the intention of chips fungaing her later on (aka chemical warfare). Others attempt to impress the chic with the wad of neatly stacked notes in his wallet. A more decent chapr who is genuinely interested in the chic will use that as an opportunity to flirt with her, with the honest intention of getting her number for a future rendezvous being his only agenda. Sadly, many chics can’t tell the difference.

This post was inspired by a conversation with a coupla pals of mine who are so pissed off at having spent loads of cash on buying girls drinks all night, then going home empty handed, without even getting a phone number. Or getting a fake number. One guy suggested resorting to extreme measures. He reckons that it’s cheaper in the long run to invest in a fleshlight . << NSFW! Think about it, you only need to carry enough money for your own pints and a little extra to throw a rao or two for your boys. You’ll have a good night regardless of what happens. If you meet a nice chic and the vibe checks in, well and good. Buy her a drink. If not, you can always go home and entertain yourself with a fitting substitute for the real thing, which won’t nag or look like an alien in the morning once the make up wears off. While I think this is a drastic move, I have to agree somewhat with his logic.

So guys, to avoid this situation happening to you, here are a few pointers as to how to approach the situation:

  1. First approach the girl and start conversation without buying her drink. Use your natural charisma. When and only when you’ve established that she is genuinely interested in making conversation with you, then offer to buy her a drink.
  2. Never buy a chic a drink with strings attached. Coz she will read through you in minutes and will mercilessly drive you to the brink of poverty before leaving you high and dry.
  3. If a girl who you fancy asks you to buy her a drink, flip the script on her. Tell her you’ll buy her a drink that you think she will enjoy, on condition that she buys you a drink that she thinks you’ll enjoy. That would actually be fun.
  4. If a random chic asks you to buy her a drink, she’s a broke ass gold digger. Tell her to Foxtrot Oscar. (Yaani to fcuk off)
  5. If you come across a chic sipping on some cheap liquor, don’t bother at all. Trust me.

And ladies, quit this cheap behaviour!

What’s on my Playlist?

Jamiroquai – Talulah (special dedication to Raymond Chepkwony – he knows why!) << If you haven’t read his blog yet, stop wasting your time here and run over there!

PS: Image borrowed from here: