May 2010


By RK

I don’t usually write about this stuff. These stories of infatuation I see all over the place remind me of the time I spent in college chasing girls. The older a man gets, the more rational his thought process becomes.

Or so I thought.

Now, there’s this new chic at the office.

I don’t do office romances, there’s too much drama involved.

Relationships are defined by what isn’t said. If you’re shagging nani in accounting, chances are you won’t speak to each other at work, but she WILL notice you checking out Legal’s ass and your comment on Sales’ Facebook wall.

Instant drama, just add water cooler.

Now, back to my current predicament, the hot mama. Now this mama isn’t hot in the nice way. Her beauty is not the kind that inspires artists to paint or sculpt museum pieces, no no no.

This chick is straight freaky.

This is the kind of mama you meet on the rave and start thinking logistics.

-How much cash do I have?

-How many drinks should I buy?

-Do I have condoms in the house? etc etc.

Make no mistake, this does not mean that the chick is easy, in fact it’s quite the contrary. A lot of work is required to get into her pants.

The thing is there are beautiful women in this world, the type you see and want to smile, the secret weapon of every successful sales force, (refer to museum bit above) and then there are women who look like sex.

Now the main problem is, to a newbie, the successful completion of an item of work is a feat indistinguishable from magic.

You’re fresh out of college, good grades, you passed the interview. You sincerely believe you are the best thing since sliced bread.

That’s of course until you’re assigned a task other than fetching coffee, that’s when things get thick (literally)

So naturally newbies will ask for your help, and naturally you’ll sort the thing out in a few minutes.  I mean, you can’t afford to look bad at your next appraisal. Pulling such stunts displays leadership!! Initiative even!

That’s where it starts.

Until then you were just some guy at the office, but now, you’re a bona fide knight-in-shiny-suit (on a related note, Fuck you White Rose Drycleaners, that was my best suit! #FAIL)

Phase one is Facebook. For some silly reason I insist on using my actual name on Facebook. This is not how its done nowadays. You’re supposed to change your “name” to match the wiggly security word that pops up when you access your settings. This lapse in judgment means that I’m pretty easy to find on Facebook. So now, we’re friends.

Then it starts. Back in the day it was easy for a dude to say that a chick liked everything he said, now, there’s actual proof on Facebook. Likes and comments then private messages (or whatever they call DMs on FB). But here’s the thing, the mama isn’t actually saying anything. Just wow, that’s an interesting link, or “haha”

What happened is now, the rest of the office has noticed, so Legal has stopped pointing her ass in my direction and Sales has started getting frosty. Then all of a sudden an opportunity to go out of town on business has presented itself and I’ve to choose an assistant to go with. Its between sexy thang-thang and some two dudes.

It’s a week-long assignment and it’s intense. What should I do?

What’s on my Playlist?

Monifah – Do you really wanna touch it?

Today marks 4 years since I started this blog. Well, there’s really not much to say this time round, coz as the years go by, I blog less and less. But there are still a few noteworthy things that have happened over the past year.

1. That Makmende post.

This was a case of being at the right place at the right time. This post stands out as having had the most number of hits on this blog ever! As of now, the stats stand at 16,380 hits for the post alone and over 183,400 hits overall. (such stats give me a hard on)

2. Imitation – The best form of flattery.

Remember how this post was plagiarized on Mashada, other blogs and email? Well, a few other cases have been noted in the recent past, done rather shamelessly by the mainstream media.

There was this post done by the Daily Nation, though I contacted the writer, who admitted that he got the article off Facebook and didn’t know that it was originally done here. He eventually put up the link on the online article. Honourable chap.

Doesn’t this article in The Standard bear more than just a passing similarity with this post? The writer should have at least been a little more tactful!

Doesn’t this article in the Business Daily contain material from this post? Where’s the accreditation?

Yet, just this week, some media personalities have been busy beefing on Twitter about plagiarism, yet their own media houses are notorious offenders! Talk of the kettle calling the pot black!

3. Some of my favourite posts from the past year

(i) I slapped some bitches

(ii) I got hit on by some gay men

(iii) I made friends with some watchies

(iv) I got into shit for doing what I thought was the right thing

(v) I got dumped for being from the wrong tribe.

I have to give a shoutout to some of my favourite Kenyan blogs that have come up during the past year. When you’re not wasting time here, perhaps you should do so there!

Magaribina

Diasporadical – brilliant group of writers doing their thing over there.

Our Kid

So what’s next for Archer?

I’ve received several emails from readers who would like to use this blog as a platform to market their events. I’ve also been toying with the idea of branching into writing about visual art, music and anything else that I think deserves a shoutout on this blog. If you have any ideas or requests, do kindly drop me a line on archer.quest@gmail.com and I’ll see what we can do about that.

I’d like to thank you all for reading, even when there’s rarely anything new to read! I’ll try to improve on that. Here’s to another year.

A.O.B

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!

Man U fans meza wembe! (Who cares how many times you’ve won the title? Shut it!)

What’s on my Playlist?

Simply the best – Tina Turner

The Crazy Friends Ensemble (as Kiss 100 and Classic 105 puts it) takes this pleasure to invite you to watch the Broadway award winning, rib cracking, crazy wedding comedy,
THERE GOES THE BRIDE!!!

Produced by Davies Lule Lule
Directed by Ellis Otieno
Come and join us as we watch how this wedding morning
preparation craze that gets madder and funnier as it goes along.

A play that will guarantee you bursting into laughter every time you think of a scene.

Venue: Alliance Francaise de Nairobi Auditorium

Dates: 7th, 8th & 9th May, 2010
Time: 6.30pm – Friday
3.00pm & 6.00pm – Saturday and Sunday
Gate Charges 500/=

For Finer Details and Reservations, call 0720 861 236 or 0733 720 585
Bookings via Mpesa 0722 487 488.
Zap 0733 720 585

Synopsis:

When harassed advertising executive Timothy Westerby hits
his head on the morning of his daughter’s society wedding, he awakes to find himself in the company of Polly Perkins, a 1920’s Flapper girl straight out of his current advertising campaign.

It soon becomes all too clear that no-one else can see or hear her, and when another bump on the head transports Timothy
back to 1926 and the Savoy hotel, the carefully planned wedding preparations disintegrate into chaos as friends and family
attempt to lead Timothy back to reality and his daughter down the aisle before the newly arrived ‘In-Laws’ abandon the
wedding.

Starring the ever popular SAM PSENJEN at his sometimes
irrepressible best as Timothy Royston Westerby, this madcap
and hilarious farce will have audiences rolling up and down the aisles as confusions and communication mix ups abound.

A real masterpiece that will have you laugh all the way home. Full of hysterical situations and slapstick comedy, THERE GOES THE BRIDE promises to be a real occasion not to be missed!

Other Stars Include:
Andrew Muthure,
Susan Wanjiru,
Kenga Sankei,
Michelle Nduta,
Idah Kabura,
Maggie Karanja
and Anthony Miano.