Back in South Africa, my housemates and I had what we called the Honour Board, which was a foolscap stuck onto the fridge, and we’d write down shrubs, oxymorons, dumb ass quotes and any other nonsense that came out of anyone’s mouth while in the confines of our flat. We had some very interesting conversations. A few months ago, I started another Honour Board on my kitchen wall, complete with a G.P.A-like grading system otherwise known as the U.P.A. (Ujinga Point Average) where individuals who attain a U.P.A. of 5.0 receive a lifetime pass.

Seeing as I’ve got nothing to post today I’ve decided to share the contents of this Honour Board. I shall not incriminate myself though, but I do feature somewhere in here. Some of these shrubs are too classic!

  1. I blindfolded my eyes! (as opposed to what, your ears?)
  2. **Angry at a man pissing on the side of the road** Look! He’s littering with himself!
  3. M3P Player   (MP3 player)
  4. Samba Mboy   (Shamba boy)
  5. Appi hending   (happy ending)
  6. How much is the spinach for 20 bob?
  7. Is 21 hours 9 o’clock?
  8. Why did the chicken cross the road? It wasn’t EGG-zactly sure!
  9. You’ll be videocameraring
  10. I’ve gone to buy some kaundey (kunde)
  11. If Karoocy was my wife, haki I’d chain her to a tree!
  12. Flying Skulod (Flying Squad)
  13. Pris bling the drinks!
  14. You’re just rarring there (???)
  15. Do you know who’s in my class with me? (as opposed to?)
  16. KRA ya UG (Uganda Revenue Authority?)
  17. Ketchup makes gold sssssssine! (shine)
  18. You don’t have a foice! (voice)
  19. Dairy Flesh (Dairy Fresh)
  20. The same jicks (chics)
  21. I expreksed it! (Expressed)
  22. Come I show you my secret prace! (secret place)
  23. Perverted perverts (OK I admit, I said this)
  24. Haerashes (eye lashes)
  25. Even kraibing (climbing)
  26. Massachuchets (Massachussetts)
  27. Parrarrero (Parallel)
  28. Falamingos (Flamingos)
  29. Stop taking my context out of concept!
  30. I pikad safely (fikad)
  31. You are a stoler who is thiefing things! (thief who is stealing things?)
  32. What is that, cererac? (Cerelac)
  33. I don’t like reaving him arone in my house
  34. Why were you not piliking my calls jana?
  35. Cockroshes (cockroaches)

And some dumb ass conversations…

J: When you chew handas, you don’t feel like a goat?

M: kwani when you drink, you feel like a fish?

J: I don’t drink

M: Ok, when you smoke, do you feel like a train?


Q: Tell me a chic who has chapad like that?

A: a CHAPA-nese!


**staring at a chic walking by just outside our flat**

Y: Now that’s what I call a nice ass. It’s very 3D

R: It’s 3D in a 2D kind of way. (how now?)


…and my personal favourite

J: Weeeeeh! Unanifanya nijipanue!

A: Kwani what do you have that I’ve never seen before?

M: Panty mpya!

Some people are special. Really.

What’s on my Playlist?

Playing Possum – Maxwell