I’m sure that several posts have been written about mannerisms and behaviours that are typically Kenyan. Safaricom GM Michael Joseph hit the nail on the head when he talked of our peculiar calling habits, but it made us sit up and reflect on our other peculiar habits. I’m not talking about the regular ones. We all know them. Here are a few others that piss me off to no end.

 

1. Giving advice/recommendations AFTER shit has already hit the fan.

Kenyans are experts in armchair commentary and analysis. We love to analyze situations after they have already occurred, yet you wonder where these same people were before shit actually hit the fan.

For example, have you ever been in a situation where you need to purchase a certain commodity or service, but can’t find a single person who can recommend where or how to get it? Ask anyone where to buy a certain product or service and they’ll tell you that they don’t know. You decide to go with the options that you have.

Later, after you’ve purchased your stuff, the same hindiots come to you and say

“Aaaaah, kwanza you should have gone to…/ you should have done it like this…”

You are stupid.

 

 

2. Not answering questions as they were asked

Two years ago I wrote this post about Kenyans who force you to buy stuff that you don’t need, with the aim of making a quick buck. I am a very fussy person and I’m very particular about stuff, so I tend to get very pissed off when some of these things happen:

I’ve made some nyakes/chicken & veggies and I dash to the food kiosk nearby to buy chapos

Q: Uko na chapati?

A: Hapana, tuko na samosa tu na githeri <— How now?

 

I’m looking for an article from a previous day’s newspaper.

Q: Mko na Nation ya jana?

A: Hapana, lakini tuko na Standard” <— How now?

 

I’ve walked around looking for this season’s Chelsea FC kits.

Q: Mko na Chelsea away kit ya white ama 3rd kit ya blue and black?

A: Hapana, lakini tuko na Real Madrid kwanza ya Ronaldo. Si uchukue hii?”

 

I’m looking for particular earphones/speakers for my hi-Fi/ MP3 player, so I go to the shop and ask “Do you have Logitech speakers/Sony noise blocking earphones?”

A: “We have Illogictic (I shit you not, apparently it exists) speakers…” or some low quality Chinese shit which they not only claim is as good as the original one, they will actually try to convince you that it’s better!

 

Q: I’m looking for a Nokia N73, do you have it in stock?”

A: We only have Samsung/Motorola (or some tu-Chinese twin-sim aka Semenya) and it’s better. I’ll give you discount!

 

How the fuck are you helping me? Seriously! The polite thing to do is to say that you do not have what the customer is looking for, then wait for them to ask about substitutes before offering yours! Why can’t some people understand that the customer wants a SPECIFIC product and not just any other?

Because they are stupid.

 

 

3. Making ridiculous, unsubstanciated and often stupid assumptions

I was out of town for a few days attending a conference, then I fell sick upon my return. A few people, when told that I wasn’t feeling too well and perhaps I caught a bug, said “maybe it was those women you screwed, maybe it’s herpes” etc. So, what drives one to think that I’m the guinea pig doofus who carries out the twisted shit that they concoct in their minds?

Kenyans love to make up stories and theories about shit that doesn’t exist. Take for example the fact that I have lots of friends, and most of them are female. So whether I’m in uni or elsewhere, more often than not, I’m probably hanging out with a female pal. On my campus, if you’re spotted walking with the same chic more than three times, then it somehow becomes official that the two of you are screwing, having a thing/fling/CFA/SBJ/in a relationship. So the next time you’re spotted walking with a different chic, you’re called a playa!

 

Wasn’t he d*nya-ing so-and-so last week? That guy is such a dog!

 

Why is it that people only notice it when you hang out with a chic (if you’re a dude) or if you’re a chic hanging out with a dude? How comes no one takes notice when I hang out with my male friends?

The case is different for chics coz if two or more chics are close and hang out often, then some hindiot will assume that they’re lesbians and before long, it becomes an urban myth!

I’m a member of AIESEC, whose members are known for hard work and hard partying. But obviously the latter is within reasonable and responsible limits. The other day a pal of mine told me about an acronym for AIESEC (I’d never heard it before) which implies that all we do is drink ourselves to a stupor and engage in reckless sex. I laughed it off, and wrote it on my Facebook status update. I was merely being cynical, coz it’s interesting how people who know jack shit about this organization make up stuff that satisfies their opinion of what it really is. The replies to my status update were

 

It’s true. From what I’ve heard…/yeah I’ve also heard the same thing/It’s true coz my pal told me

 

You know what? You are stupid!

 

 

4. Putting words in your mouth, then having the audacity to get pissed off

How many times have you been involved in a debate, or an argument with someone, and they hit you with

 

So are you saying that…/Are you implying that…/Yaani umeniita mjinga?

 

Best believe that if I wanted to say something, I wouldn’t beat about the bush. I would say it. I find it very irritating when those words above somehow find their way into the dialogue, and the person gets pissed off as a result of something that you did not say in the first place!

Is that stupid or what?

 

 

5. We believe everything else but the truth

Why is it that whenever there’s a certain situation going on, people are more likely to believe the word on the street rather than ask the person(s) concerned for the real story? Is it because the gossip is juicier than the truth? Do we love scandal that much? Is it because some of us are idle and stupid?

 

 

What’s on my Playlist?

Too Late now – Valerie Kimani