I’m sure we all have that black sheep of the family. I know my (extended) family has a few! There’s this young chap I call Cousin Itchy Fingers coz as the name suggests, he just can’t keep his hands away from other people’s stuff. He’s the guy who walks into your house and you immediately hide everything valuable i.e. laptop, MP3 player, sunglassses, flashdisks, CDs, DVDs, electric shaver, wallet, colognes, phones etc. And when he’s finally busted, the chap would pull some seriously emotional shit complete with tears to convince you that he had nothing to do with it, yet most times he’s the only suspect behind some form of misdemeanor or the other.

Cousin Itchy Fingers just finished high school and naturally he’s doing everything that he wanted to do while in school but was always told “ngoja umalize shule kwanza!” But that didn’t stop him from playing truant in school. Every other weekend there were stories of how he was busted trying to sneak out of school through the fence and narrowly avoided death when the watchies almost mistook him for a thief and shot an arrow through his chest. Other times he got suspended for being in school under the influence of alcohol and other illegal substances, or for thumping other boys, petty theft, damaging school property, insulting teachers, skiving class, not doing assignments, extremely poor performance, stealing food from the dining hall…you name it, he’s done it! The only reason why he never got kicked out of school is that his guardian is a very influential figure in the school.

Evidently, Cousin Itchy fingers was not academically gifted. Some time during the April holidays last year, I stumbled upon his report card and the grades would convince you that he’s auditioning for DEF Jam. (Get it?) I once was in his shoes, well, not DEF Jamming, but I got into Form 4 with weak grades. Mine was due to involvement in too many activities. I was in drama, house committees, sports and a myriad of other clubs and societies. I was forced to shed most of these extra-curricular activities and put in extra effort in my studies. I was the chap who was constantly busted reading mwaks under my blanket by candle light. I made friends with guys who I knew would help me out in various subjects. And all my hard work paid off coz come KCSE, not only did I get a very handsome grade, but my school was first overall in the whole country. But do I say?

Anyway, I decided to have a word with Cousin Itchy Fingers. I told him of my situation with the aim of encouraging him to put aside anything that was not contributing towards his masomos. I even bribed him. I told him that if he gets a B- or above, I would spoil him for a month. Pints, the hanye, I’d facilitate some chips for him. And I’d check up on him ever so often to see how his studies were going and he’s say

Mazee, imeingia kichwa mpaka natembea na academic angle of inclination!


But still, he’d call me with some strange requests ati to sambaza his tu-girlfriend some credit so they can flirt during the night. Another time he asked me to find out if I could secure a flat for him for the weekend coz he and his boys wanted to cross with someone’s daughters after chemical warfare. Silly boy. Other times he asked me to M Pesa him cash which I knew was going to contribute towards EABL’s massive profits but I refused.

One evening in October, the chap called me and asked me to M Pesa him 6,000 bob. What the fuck for? He said that some guy had offered him leakage and he wanted to secure it coz without it, he was probably going to fail with spectacular colours. Considering that time of the month, I didn’t have the cash, and I told him that there’s no assurance that the leakage was legit so he might be conned coz everyone knows how desperate candidates are at that time. I thought about it though and kusema kweli, if I had the cash, I’d have given him straight up!

Don’t give me that look! I know it’s a criminal offence, but he’d still find a way to get the cash, and at the time, it was the only way out for him coz everyone knew he was going to flunk.

The day before the exams, Cousin Itchy Fingers called me and said that he had raised the cash and secured the merchandise. See, I told you he’d find a way to get it with or without my help! I advised him to be careful coz he’s go to jail if caught with that material, and also advised him to make the best use of it.

Next day, first paper. He texts me afterwards and says “Leakage 100%!!” Good, good. Same thing the next day. And the next. And every subsequent day until the exams came to an end. He assured me that there was no way he’s score less than an A- in the exam. I knew that was a bit too ambitious, but a B- minimum would have been more realistic.

Exam results came out early last week and I tried to call Cousin Itchy Fingers to find out what he scored. “Samahani, mteja wa nambari uliopiga….” I tried over and over but to no avail. Finally I called his guardian who says the boy disappeared the morning of the results release. As in he knew things were elephant.

“So what was his overall grade?”

“C-“

Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! Haki the day I see that boy I’m going to beat the shit out of him! Yaani he had 100% leakage and the best he could do was a C-?? Now what would have happened had he not got the leakage, Daudi Msalabani? (D+)

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK

Archer Mishale

My fridge has been out of commission for the past three or so months. When I put anything in it, it tends to freeze it to ice. Basically it ruins all my food, especially fresh fruit and vegetables so I just switched the damn thing off until the day I decide to repair it. I know that fridge repair is not cheap. Over the weekend I was hanging out with my neighbour and her brother who knows a thing or two about electric appliances. I was bitching to the chic coz she was meant to get me a fundi to have a look at my fridge and she told me to spare about 3000 bob on the upper side, just that every time I asked her what’s up, she’d go like “I forgot, I’ll do that for you over the weekend.” And every weekend she’d forget yet again.

So the brother came over and had a look at my fridge for a few minutes as I stood there observing quietly. He moved it around, had a look at the back, sijui thermostat, sijui nini nini and everything seemed to be in working order. Then he opened the lower part (fridge) and had a look at the temperature gauge tu-knob thingy and it seemed to be working ok too. He opened the freezer and took a peek inside and went like “hmmm….!”

“Mishale, you see this thing over here? It is called a temperature regulation knob. You have it set on full i.e freezing. Therefore it transmits the cold air down to the fridge and freezes everything. If you turn it anti-clockwise like this ***turning the knob very slowly while looking me in the eye**** your fridge should work perfectly!”

Yaani all these months my fridge has been dead coz of a silly tu-knob???

What’s on my Playlist?

Dreadlock Holiday – 10cc