January 2009

I had a chat with some friends the other day and the topic of being propositioned by a celeb that one fancies came up. This is the HYPOTHETICAL scenario. Your significant other has the hots on a certain A-list celebrity. A really hot one. Not these local garbage variety celebs wa kuji-pox na kuvaa shades kwa club usiku, I’m talking international A-list celebs.

Supposing your chic has the hots for say… Maxwell, Morris Chestnut or Tyrese. The kind you know would slice you in a heartbeat and you wouldn’t say a word coz enyewe kuna vile…!! And just randomly they happen to meet somewhere and said celeb propositioned her. And she calls you and says kuna vile she just has to get this out of her system coz it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, a one off thing that will possibly never happen ever again. And she asks you if she may oblige his request. Would you let her? Bear in mind that if you said no, she wouldn’t.

Again I insist, it is a hypothetical situation. Take it with a pinch of salt, there are no issues of trust, morals or infidelity here. It doesn’t mean that if she were to cheat just this once, that she would cheat on you again with someone else.

My friends argued that this scenario could go in either of two ways. One, the shag would be totally off the hook and even though it was a one off (which your S.O would be eternally grateful to you for) she would begin to compare you to him and you’d emerge the loser. Or, it could turn out to be a completely useless shag, but she’d be glad that she got over her curiosity.

And this situation obviously would not work if the tables were turned, for example if a dude were to be propositioned by Toni Braxton, Lisa Raye or Gabrielle Union coz we all know your woman would never agree to that.

Or would she?

Sidebar: some weeks ago I told my (former) S.O that even though I’ll be of marriageable age in 2014, I wouldn’t want to tie the knot (with whoever I’ll be dating then) before I’ve had a chance to fly to Brazil for the 2014 World Cup. Reason being…have you seen them carnivals on TV with nude chics with painted bodies and all the stuff that goes on? I gotta tap me some Brazilian bunda!! I intend for that to be my very last over-the-top hanye before I can finally settle down and tie the knot.

And she said

“fine, you go and tap some Brazilian ass, bear in mind that if I could, I’d take all my girls with me to Amsterdam, and you know it’s no-holds-barred in the red light district! I’m gonna have me a three-some with two well built men with 9 inch d***s! How would you feel about that?”

Eish woman! Fine, you win.

Back to the topic at hand, here’s the question: would you as a dude allow your significant other to “get it out of her system” by having a one-off shag with a really hot celebrity that she has a massive crush on and there’s absolutely no possibility that this would ever happen again?


Si I said we resume normal programming?



Name: Luis Felipe Scolari aka Big Phil

Who is he: Manager, Chelsea FC

Reason: Ask any Chelsea fan and they’ll tell you the one thing we held more precious than winning the Premiership was our four and a half years unbeaten record at what came to be known as Fortress Stamford Bridge. In fact, there was a joke on BBC Sports,

“Question: How do you beat Chelsea at Stamford Bridge?

Answer: YOU DON’T!”

After the “Special One” Jose Mourinho left, even the total loser Avram Grant kept that record intact. Then came Scolari, a World Cup winner in 2002 with Brazil. Under him, our record was broken by Liverpool, and we went ahead to lose to Arsenal, and in one of the most humiliating defeats I have ever witnessed, Chelsea got thwacked 3:0 last Sunday by Man United.

This man clearly has no idea what he’s doing. A combination of poor tactics, poor decision making, ineffective leadership will seal his fate one day very soon, and I will not be sad to see him go. Roman Abramovich had better start talking to Roberto Mancini.

Scolari, wewe ndio fokojembe wa wiki hii.

What’s on my Playlist

Les Nubians – Makeda


I know it’s a bit late in the day to wish people a happy New Year but Happy New Year! Hope everyone made it to 2009 in one piece and the holiday season was enjoyed to the max.

Mine was quite eventful, it had its fair share of ups and downs. Just when the downs seemed to overwhelm me, there came the ups and totally knocked me out. The ups include making peace with a few individuals who I harboured very serious and long term grudges with, getting a new laptop finally, one sick little machine, and spending time with family and friends.

The lows include paying “tax” to Kamau and his cousin Mwaura. Just when I thought I could survive 2008 bila getting mugged, it happened one Sunday night after about 21 shots of vodka at K1 Pitcher and Butch. Fucking thugs ambushed me in a cab and took all my cash, my phone (big deal, it was a Nokia 1100. In fact they were kind enough to hand back my SIM cards) BUT said fuckers took my glasses too! Seriously, those things cost me 17k just less than two months ago and it is painful to know that they probably sold them for 500 bob.

That was the easy part, getting “mugged” shortly afterwards by someone I considered a friend was the real shocker. At least the thugs were more polite.

I learnt a few lessons too. Blood is thicker than water. Regardless. Sometimes what you think you know is barely a scratch of the surface. Feminists should be shot dead then burnt alive, in that order. Apparently, friendship comes at a price. Forgiveness is not the same as amnesia.

Ok, back to normal programming.

Since I have a laptop now, I hope to blog more regularly than I did last year. I don’t know if I’ll be able to churn out an average of one post a week just as I used to in 2006 and 2007, but I’ll try. Writer’s block is a bitch!

So here’s to another year of Archer’s 5 bob opinions. Enjoy!

What’s on my Playlist?

Look what The ‘Licious One got me for Christmas! Is she an angel or what?!

Jamiroquai High Times Singles 1992 - 2006

Jamiroquai High Times Singles 1992 - 200