…well, not kill in the sense of murder. Homicide isn’t one of my hobbies and it shouldn’t be one of yours. This works best especially if this is a relationship that ended recently and there are likely to be emotional hangovers.

Get out your best outfit. That starched striped shirt that only sees the light of day during special occasions. Go to the barber’s and pay him double to give your chin some extra attention. Let him create that perfectly chongwad goatee that would make this chap’s barber retire in shame and switch to growing maize. Splash on the finest aftershave that money can buy.

Spray on a generous portion of your favourite cologne, the one that drives her nuts and makes her want to eat you whole. Focus on the sweet spots i.e the neck area.

Call a hot chic from your P-file (pending file) and ask her out for drinks. She’ll probably wonder why the hell you didn’t do this earlier. Tell her you’ve been busy.

Head to the pub, the one you know your ex loves to unwind at with her girlfriends after a hectic week. “Accidentally” bump into her as she exits the little girls’ room. Act surprised, smile and exchange pleasantries. As the name suggests, be pleasant. Allow her to be surprised coz you know she didn’t expect to see you there. Feel her squeeze you a bit tight as you hug her and note as she inhales a deep breath of your cologne. Kiss her on the cheek and wish her a good evening and walk away.

Join your potential chips and sit strategically at the counter, in full view of your ex and her friends. Buy some drinks. Get her laughing. Make her giggle as you touch her arm. Place your hand on the small of her back, hold her close and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. Make her laugh a little more. Tease her a bit, rub your lips on hers, very gently, but don’t kiss her.

Observe the ex’s facial expression.

Smile.

Watch as ex and her battalion leave the pub and head to her next favourite spot.

Sit at the counter with potential chips and enjoy the drinks, flirt shamelessly. Catch up with her, make believable excuses as to why you never called her before.

Enjoy this for about an hour.

Head over to the ex’s second favourite pub and order shots of tequila. Proceed to take body shots off of potential chips. In case you don’t know what that is, this is what you do: Lick her neck slowly and sprinkle some salt on the wet patch. Place the tequila shot right in between her boobs and the lemon between her teeth. Without using your hands, lick the salt off her neck, take the shot, gulp it down and kiss the lemon right off her lips. Allow her to do the same to you.

Leave the bar, knowing that the ex has had a good view of the proceedings. Go dancing. Go wherever. Eventually end up in bed somewhere and have some rock star sex.

The phone rings the next morning. It’s the ex. Let it ring for a while, then pick it up and sound exhausted. After all, you must be, after all that horizontal rhumba. She says she needs to talk to you. Be polite, suggest meeting up for lunch. She agrees. Says you bring along the rest of her stuff that she left over at your place. Say you needed to create extra space on your wardrobe anyway. Agree on a place and time.

Be late. Be sure that she’s at the restaurant. Call and say that you’re running slightly late but you’ll be there in a few. She’s not surprised coz you never keep time anyway. Suggest that she has a drink or two on your tab.

Don’t show up.

Get the waiter to go over and hand over a plastic bag (preferably ya Uchumi, Tusky’s au Nakumatt) with her stuff in it.

Delete her number.

Go back home and screw the chips some more. You got her into bed on the very first date so she’s not upgradeable to French fry status. Enjoy the sex nonetheless.

What’s on my Playlist?

Peep show – Joe (back when he was JOE, not the whiner that he’s become)