November 2008



It’s rather obvious that the male and female minds work in very different ways. Sometimes what may be as clear as day to one gender is complete Greek to the other. And most times it’s we dudes who come out the worse. Coz we’re simple creatures really, we say what we mean and we mean what we say (unless we’re lying to you). So, ladies, please help us understand a few things by answering a couple of questions.

1. Is there a difference between dating and being in a relationship? If so, what is it? Someone I know is of the opinion that dating is ‘seeing each other with the intention of getting into a relationship.’ WTF????? So what if you’re already doing everything that a couple in a relationship normally does, including being vetted by meeting close friends and even family?

2. a) Does the fact that you’re merely dating and not in a relationship mean that either party is free to walk out of the arrangement at any time without owing as much as an explanation to the other?

b) Does the fact that you’re dating and not in a relationship mean that it is in fact an open relationship, in that either party is free to date other people before making a decision on whom to enter into a relationship with?

c) If you’re dating, does having ‘relations’ with someone else qualify as cheating? Coz how can it be cheating if you’re not in a relationship? And if you found out that the person you’re dating had relations with someone else, do you have the right to be upset about it?

I’m defeated! Nimeshindwa!

2. Do women really apply the tips in Cosmo magazine when it comes to guys? Apparently there are several criteria that are used for gauging a guy as potential boyfriend/husband/baby daddy material. The way he eats his food, the way he ties his tie, the way he shaves his facial hair etc.

Just last night I was reading the latest edition of Cosmo, and it had an article about judging a dude by the way he grooms his pubes!!! Apparently there are four categories: those who don’t bother, (aka Republicans) those who give the nethers a polite trimming and shaping, those who shave the shaft of the “artillery” and the “supporting accessories”, and those who shave the nethers completely. Listed under each is an explanation of the dude’s probable personality and character.

Seriously? Do women actually apply this stuff? Is this realistic in any way? When you meet a dude, do you compare all these things to the chart in Cosmo so as to deduce what kind of person he may be? If that’s the case, gentlemen, I highly suggest that you include Cosmo, True Love and a couple of other women’s magazines in your monthly subscriptions besides Adam, Men’s Health and Autocar. Tunapimwa kutumia ma-criteria ata hatuzijui!!

In other news:


***This section of the post has been edited for personal reasons. If you missed it, well…too bad!***


What’s on my Playlist?

K’naan ft. Tracy Chapman – Voices.

So there you have it, “Cousin Barack” (yes, he’s my kassin, but do I sssaut?) clinched the US Presidency last Wednesday. And since then, it’s been nothing but Obama this, Obama that. Obama ukiamka mpaka Obama ukilala. Obama all over. Kogelo village got international recognition. Babies all over Nyanza were named Barack, Hussein, Michelle, Democratic Candidate Obama, Yes We Can Odhiambo, Audacity of Hope Akinyi etc etc. Nyanza was declared the 52nd State of the US, alternatively the US was declared the 9th Province of Kenya. We had a national holiday in his honour. (I hear Nigeria declared 5 days holiday after his victory) EABL even renamed Senator beer “PRESIDENT”!!!!!!!

Well, all that news coverage is not entirely a bad thing, and I’m definitely not complaining. It’s far better to watch the same old recycled CNN bulletins and seeing every other media house trying to out-do their rivals in getting the “inside scoop” on Obama than to watch our local politics. I think by now I can quote his entire life story and name each and every single character that played a role in shaping him into the man that he has become, including the bullies in his 6th grade class.

Something that I found interesting is that Mama Sarah Obama, Cousin Barack’s 86 year old grandmother, has been appointed a goodwill ambassador for the war against malnutrition.

***shakes head***

Please leave the old woman alone for crying out loud!

Now, as we get back to normal programming (in terms of news) have you watched the news lately? It’s so depressing trying to compare our two bob politics with the US election. Politician A said this about the Waki Report. Politician B said that about the dramatics within PNU/ODM. Bifwoli Wakoli (he of the “Awori is a ‘Tikiteta’ fame) declared for the umpteenth time his intention to run for President in 2012. (Is that a sick joke or what??)

That brings me to a comment that 3TOC made in my last post about good looking people (e.g. Obama & Lewis Hamilton) deserving to be winners coz they’re easier on the eyes and people are more willing to listen to them. Do you think this is true? Supposing Cousin Barack looked like Bifwoli Wakoli, but retained his own wit, charisma and charm, do you think he’d have stood a chance of becoming US President? I highly doubt it.

Where was I going with this post? Oh…right. Found my bearings. Don’t you think it’s interesting how some stories make news for a while, the media create a huge hullabaloo about them, then they just fizzle out and evaporate? Think about it for a minute.

a) Fazul Abdullah: a few months ago it was Fazul Fazul Fazul mchana hadi usiku. Look under your mattress and call the cops if you spot Fazul! Report Fazul and win $5million! Fazul evades police ambush…twice! Then, that story just died. Where the hell is Fazul? Is he still within Kenyan territory constructing bombs for future terrorist attacks? Surely, how hard can it be to track down one man with faulty kidneys when the only dialysis machine that exists at the coast is in one hospital?

b) Felicien Kabuga: so, one of the most wanted suspects in relation to the 1994 Rwandan genocide is in Kenya. It is no secret that he has been here for a while and that he’s being protected by some very powerful individuals. Some months ago, the cops were pursuing some leads that made us believe that Kabuga’s capture was imminent. They froze a couple of his bank accounts and some of his commercial real estate properties. (why didn’t they do that before?) Just when we thought the cops were getting serious, that story died right there. So where exactly is Kabuga? Do the authorities only tisha him when he defaults on his protection payments?

c) Ferries: according to yesterday’s Daily Nation, over 180,000 passengers board the ferries daily to cross the Likoni Channel. How many incidents have we had recently? Those things have stalled mid stream er…how many times? And what is being done about that? Which kubaff Minister is responsible and what is he doing about it? Oh wait, it’s Mwakwere. Right, that explains a lot.

d) Somali hijacking: Just a day after the Somali pirates hijacked a Ukrainian ship ferrying military equipment to Southern Sudan (via Mombasa) I was having a sip at a local pub, y’know, the ones where all the brilliant people with all the answers hang out. So this guy goes like

“Hao Waariah wamechizi! Haki! Hawajui wanacheza na nani! Unajua Navy yetu si ya mchezo!”

He went on to tell us that apparently, the annual GDP of our beloved republic is usually understated by up to Ksh 100 billion, the surplus which then goes towards purchasing state of the art military equipment. Apparently, the ageing jet fighters that we see flying over our skies on national holidays are just for show, to fool our enemies and that the Kenya Air Force actually owns a fleet of F16 fighter jets! Huwaat? (Modoathii, 2008)

Another idiot who claims that his father is a former head of NSIS (National Something Intelligence Something) claims that the Kenyan Navy actually owns a fleet of submarines. You know, those big black things full of seamen? (not THOSE ones!) like the ones that keep sinking in Russia. (Yes, THOSE ones!) Submarines?? Kenya?? Are you sure it’s not a big green boat emblazoned with “SUBMARINE” on the side? I’ll only believe it when I see one. Anyway, he said,

“Those Somalis!”

pausing to create suspense as he sipped on his Guinness

“nawapatia 48 hours! Watashangiliwa mbaya! Ndio utajua military yetu sio ya mchezo!”

Several weeks later, we are still waiting. Russian, American and French naval ships surrounded the hijacked MV Faina, the hijackers kept revising their ransom demands downwards and eventually threatened to blow up the ship if their demands were not met. The deadline came and went. Kenyan government officials kept issuing statements to the effect that the military cargo was indeed the property of the Kenyan military, despite evidence showing that they were headed to Southern Sudan. What exactly is going on with that ship? For how long will this crisis continue? Or did it end and I’m yet to know about it?

e) The Waki Report: that secret envelope has got a handful of Kenyans panicking and several others speculating. Now every unmarked envelope in Kenya is viewed as suspicious. No one knows exactly whose names are in that envelope, but have you watched them politicians run to their defence, calling the report “massively flawed” and defending themselves? Massively flawed in what aspect? Weren’t you the same idiots who gave the Waki Commission the mandate to investigate the cause of the post-election violence, which obviously includes finding out just who was responsible? So now that the report is out, they’re trying all that they can do to make sure that it never sees the light of day. Without consulting us, the electorate. If I had my way, all the suspects would be transferred to Guantanamo Bay and have high voltage electrodes teasing their essential bits before being presented at the Hague where they will undoubtedly sing like birds.

f) Nakumatt: (I had to go there) some say that the demolition of buildings and other structures along Thika Road, including my beloved supermarket, was merely a ploy by the government to divert attention from the Waki Report. If that didn’t work effectively, along came Cousin Barack to divert attention even more. What do you think? Apparently they want to expand Thika Road into a 10 lane highway. Only time will tell (if they get started in the first place)

In other news…

NTV’s The Weekly Show began with so much hype but rapidly went downhill shortly afterwards. The humour is so stale, Jasmine Mistri’s accent is immensely irritating (and she makes fun of Robert Nagila’s???) and the other sub-characters Kimeendero (Charles Kiarie) Jaswinder (Jasmine) and Jeri etc suck big time. It was moved from Monday 7:35pm to Saturday 9:30pm and now I see it on Mondays at midnight. (or is that the repeat?) Um…why don’t NTV just get rid of the show altogether? I mean, it’s the biggest pile of bullshit that graces our screens. (Cobra Squad comes close though)

Another question:

Why is the show called “Churchill Live” if it is recorded two days earlier?

Fokojembe of the day!

Take a look at this hindiot.

What’s on my Playlist?

Benny Benassi – California Dreams

YES YOU CAN!!!

obama

YES YOU DID!!!

lewis-wins


In other news making headlines:

OH F*CK NO, YOU DIDN’T JUST DESTROY MY SUPERMARKET!!!!!

nakumatt

What’s on my Playlist?

Eric Wainaina – Mabawa