First things first, kudos to the Kenya Olympics team for doing us proud at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. 5 Gold, 5 Silver and 4 Bronze? Good! Top overall in Africa…excellent! (hehe! SA only got one silver medal. Good for those arrogant fuckers!)

However, I think we could have done better. If only we utilized the immense potential to our disposal. We have to do either of two things.

a) Diversify our “portfolio”

Kenya has a wealth of untapped natural talent, that if scouted, given proper training and facilities, can result in more Olympic medals in future. If we could get a bunch of Maasai morans jumping around for tourists and introduce them to long jump and high jump, voila! Medals right there! Maybe even basketball! If we could get a few of the fellows who were involved in the post election violence and trained them to participate in the hammer throw, discus and shot put, hey, more medals right there!

Or alternatively, we could…

b) Host the Olympics in 2028!!

If Mr. Wiper (Kalonzo) has his way and we get to bid to host the 2028 games, (in the same way he wanted to build an international airport in Isiolo to export miraa? Stevo you got jokes!) then we might as well add some events up in there that would outrightly favour a Kenyan clean sweep of the medals.

For example

1. 3000m Steeplechase

But of course! In fact, the final in Beijing was merely a formality. Me thinks the Olympic organizers should have called the Kenyan runners aside and asked them to decide amongst themselves how to share the medals. As soon as Kip-who, Kip-that one and Kip-the other one agree on who gets what, we can skip right to the podium, hoist 3 Kenyan flags and sing the anthem!

2. Bano (Marbles)

A while ago I read somewhere on the internet that there actually is a World Cup of marbles. Who among you readers didn’t play bano as a kid? I’m sure we’d excel at it if it were an Olympic sport. But now that the generation are only interested in Playstation and becoming genge rappers, our Olympic squad would consist entirely of “crack-shots” yaani the first bodi’s in bano from the 80s to mid 90s.

Team Captain: Milo

3. Shake

I assume that if you’re reading this, you know what shake is/was. Way back, there was no better way to spend a Sunday evening than to play shake from late afternoon till when the sun set. Kids these days are missing out on a lot, and they don’t even know it!

Our team: survivors from the 80s to mid 90s.

Team Captain: Mocha!

4. 400m survival course

Instead of having the conventional oval shaped track, the 2028 Nairobi Olympics track would have a wavy shaped track along the straight 100 m stretch, along with burning tyres instead of hurdles, 1 metre deep water troughs and GSU officers conveniently positioned along the entire track armed with their rungus. Whoever can navigate the course by jumping over the “hurdles”, the four water troughs and make it to the finish line without getting thwacked by the GSU, wins.

Our team: survivors of the post election violence in all parts of the country.

5. Traffic Battle Relay

Ok this is the premise. 8 teams with several drivers in the relay, ordinary vehicles…say Toyota Corollas. The teams start off at 8am on a weekday morning on Thika Road from K.U and navigate through the traffic using whatever skills at their disposal. They then pass the baton to the next team member at Murang’a Road, hand over again at Forest Road, then at Uhuru Highway, then again at Lang’ata Road, and the final handover at Nairobi West where the final driver must get to Bomas of Kenya.

Our team: Matatu drivers from routes 44, 58, 23, 24, 14 and 126.

6. Teargas Canister lob

This event shall take place inside the Olympic stadium. The athletes would stand at one end of the stadium (where the guys for shot-put do their thing) then a GSU officer would soot a teargas canister in the direction of the athletes. The athletes would then have to catch the canister (bonus marks if canister is caught mid flight) and hurl it as far as possible in the direction it came from initially.

Our team: survivors of post election violence in Kisumu, North Rift and Kibera.

7. Archery

Si there were guys shooting others with bows and arrows in North Rift during the post election violence? Where are they now? Given adequate ideological motivation and proper equipment and training, they could do very well in the Olympics!

Our team: them, and I can be team captain (of course yours truly has to be good at something!)

8. Tear gas endurance

In this event, the competitors are placed inside glass chambers with individual compartments. Then, slowly, gas taps would be opened and tear gas released into the chamber. When an athlete is unable to hold his breath any longer or the teargas starts to affect him beyond his limit, the athlete may open his compartment and leave the chamber. The competitor who stays in longest wins.

Our team: JKUAT students, GSU officers (coz they have to inhale that shit all day every other day) Nairobi CBD hawkers, Kibera and Makongeni residents.

Team Captain: Savvy

9. Synchronized banana peeling

Seeing as our next door neighbours in Uganda didn’t get a single medal in Beijing, Nick & Marcus on Classic 105 Overdrive came up with an event that would be guaranteed to earn them three easy medals. See, promoting East African harmony!

If there’s any other Kenyanized event that you feel should be included in the 2028 Nairobi Olympics, apart from Kati/Bladda feel free to add your suggestions.

What’s on my Playlist?

Isaas Blackman – To the ceiling