There are some tabias that I just don’t understand. Really. My ex and I have been working on whether we should attempt a reunion (we broke up 3 years ago) but that’s a story for another day, if I feel inspired to write it. Back in the day she always had this funny tabia of showing up for dates (including those intended to be very private and intimate) with escorts! Yaani friends.
I remember our anniversary back in early 2005, I had it all planned out. We’d spend some time indoors, I had an expensive bottle of wine that I’d bought in South Africa, including an expensive watch (which found its way to the bottom of Lake somewhere after we broke up) After that we’d go for a movie and nice cosy dinner in the evening abefore I dropped her home. But she showed up at my digz with three friends! WTF??? That totally messed up my plans. Which idiot does that?
But last weekend’s events took this shyte to a whole ‘nother refo (level)
Friday evening about 6:30pm I was in the library (yes I’m focused like that!) when she called.
Her: Sema, where you at?
Arch: Library.
Her: well, I’m somewhere in your vicinity, what time are you going digz?
Arch: I’m almost done, so I’ll be leaving in kedo thate minutes.
Her: sawa, I’ll meet you at your digz in 40 min.
Arch: Great. See you then.
So I packed up my books and left the library, but somewhere along the way I got derailed by a pal to have one-two Tanyes at the local to usher in the weekend. I thought we’d be there for just a few minutes, but I wasn’t really worried about keeping her waiting considering the fact that my ex has got to be the worst time-keeper in the entire universe! She’s worse than me! If she says she’ll be there in 40 minutes, just double that time to be on the safe side. So there we were happily sipping on our Tuskers when she called again. Said she was approaching my digz so I should hurry up.
“What beats having a nice cold beer and assured strokes?” I thought to myself.
….then she mentioned that she was with a couple of friends.
Arch: “What? Why? How many pals?”
Her: “Just a few. Relax, we’re just passing by!”
Now what is this? She still pulls those stupid stunts? Then she’ll have to wait till I’m done with my beers. So I kept her waiting for a few more minutes. Then I got a phone call from my neighbour.
Neighbour: Archer, there are EIGHT women in my house! Can you come and get them out!
Arch: What do you mean eight women? And what are they doing in your house?
Neighbour: Si this mama of yours has kujad with her entourage! Come sort out your shit in a rush!
EIGHT WOMEN?? Seriously, what on earth am I supposed to do with 8 chics? Considering that my digz can only accommodate three people at a time. Lemme give you the layout of my living room. It has a carpet and a one piece sofa, yaani ya mtu mmoja. Fullstop. If I throw in the plastic chair from my study table, which means about three people can fit in my living room. Now with 8 women, how on earth was I supposed to handle all that?
So I dragged my pal (and his pal) and decided to see what we could do about the situation. We got home to find all eight of them women dressed up for the weekend. We watched as they fought for the sofa and the plastic chair. How four of them managed to ensconce themselves on the sofa, I still have no idea. But they did it and claimed to be comfortable, huku I’m slightly embarrassed that some of my (unwanted) visitors had to sit on the floor. But that was really stupid, coz she knows how small my flat is and she should have taken that into consideration before inviting her entire battalion along.
Besides, my digz is MY digz, not ours and definitely not yours. Who gave you the authority to bring your pals here?
So there they sat, looking around, giving me that look of “ok we’re here, so now?” I figured that if you guys were simply passing by, you’ve already accomplished that objective. Now kindly leave my house and go to where you were dressed up to go. Then the ex calls me sideways and asks if I would be kind enough to buy a bottle of something to start off the night.
FOR EIGHT WOMEN?! Are you nucking futs?!
My pals were already assessing the chics and strategizing over their chipsing agendas for the night. So they figured why not, let’s get some liquor! Only that I’m the only one who fronted the cash. I had to buy the liquor, plus feed them too before they got high too fast and puked all over my carpet. There was this one who really irritated me to the point where I wanted to slap her proper! She just kept on bitching about everything! She kept on scrolling through my MP3 player (that’s also masquerading as my home theatre entertainment system, and for those who love making fun of Pinky {I won’t name names, but Xs you know yourself!} here it is, only that it’s pink! I really don’t give a shit about what anyone calls it, it’s been called lip gloss, butt plug among many other insults but the fact is that it scored the highest rating (92%) of any Sony MP3 player in production at the time I bought it. (But no, I don’t say!)
Anyway, the ngamia kept scrolling through everything, asking stupid questions like
“Kwani this shit doesn’t have Weezy?”
Who the fuck is Weezy?
LIL WAYNE!!!
Do I look like the sort of idiot who would listen to Lil Payne or whatever shit he calls himself? Is he that incredibly ugly midget with many tattoos all over his face (probably to distract attention from his ugliness) and walks around with his trousers around his knees and mumbling incomprehensible stuff? If so, he’s one of three people whose voices make me want to take a massive dump right there and then. The other two are Kalonzo Musyoka and Robert Nagila. I think the three of them should do a collabo which I could use to smoothen things along just in case I should suffer from constipation.
Lil Wayne: wringywringydraaaaaaaaawlsuckonmylaaawlipop
Kalonzo: WIPER!! National healing!
Nagila: It awwnly remaaayns to be seeeiyn whether Keeeeymoooonya will rezoooooign
Kalonzo: WIPER!! I speak prophetically!
Lil Shit: Shut up b*tch…swallow!
Anyway, a couple of hours later, my pals had to leave (after they decided against chipsing any of them women) and so did a few of the girls. Good. But that still left me with the ex and three of the others. Huku I’m thinking, I have a CAT in the morning and a couple of research assignments due the very next morning. We drank until midnight until I could no longer hint to them that they ought to leave my house, and I asked them straight up to finish up and bounce. I was already under the influence so I figured I might as well bench any ideas I had of studying for my paper and finishing up my research assignments. So if the ex could get rid of the remaining two women, we could move on to other things, those of the horizontal agenda. But no! She decided that they would all leave together!
What? After wasting my money and more importantly my TIME, you suddenly decide that you’re going to leave? Seriously, in that state there was absolutely no way I could get any work done so she might as well sleep over and I’d wake up early to try and salvage whatever I could ahead of the paper. But she insisted that they were leaving, so they did! And boy was I seriously upset!!
After cleaning up my little house a few minutes later, my ex called and asked why I was upset, and I explained the whole situation and how they’d properly fucked up my night and that I was not amused. The least that she could have done is sleep over. We had a bit of a tiff then I hang up on her. She sent me a brief text shortly after saying
“I’m coming back so we can talk”
Hey, at least this whole night won’t amount to nothing! I’m a still get laid!
Then…….SHE SHOWED UP WITH HER PALS YET AGAIN!!!!!!!!
*******slaps forehead repeatedly with left hand while plucking chunks of hair out with right hand********
So why did you have to come back with them? For what? Surely, even you think sometimes! What have they come back for?
“They couldn’t get transport back to their place so we had to come back!”
So how exactly is that my problem? At least this time they returned with two bottles of liquor. This could have been viewed as a good thing, but given the fact that I really didn’t want them there, it wasn’t!
Since their transport plans had nashed, guess who had to organize sleeping arrangements for them as well!!!!! I had to wake up my neighbour and ask him whether they could crash in his spare room. And he wasn’t too pleased with me the next morning coz they took their dramatics there. I’ll spare you the details of what happened upstairs coz I couldn’t make out what he was saying in between “Fuck………Archer…..kumbafu……stupid women…..never again!”
The next morning, the neighbour whose flat they’d initially camped at also came hurling insults at me coz apparently one of them stole an expensive make up kit and she was not amused at all.
Then, the ex pulled some more stupid shyte on Saturday night as well!
Such mannerisms are part of the reasons that made us break up three years ago and I’d hoped that she eventually grew up and stopped doing this shit but evidently I was mistaken. Her chapter has been closed officially. Such a pity coz the strokes were quite on point, and she’s got the most amazingly perfect body that I’ve ever laid eyes on.
In other news…
Speaking of strokes, eh…Ms Dildo finally won….(ahem)…severally. I could only dodge her for so long and her persistence finally paid off. Only that she did turn out to be psycho, she almost attempted suicide a couple of weeks ago and generally pulled some schizo shit on my ass. So her chapter is closed as well! Two less clandes to worry about. I was beginning to feel a bit oversexed and honestly, I could do with a break sans the drama.
A.O.B
1. BMW’s new generation 2009 F-01 BMW 7 Series was launched last week in Moscow. Stay tuned for the review.
2. 80,000 hits and counting. Thank you readers!
3. I finally got bored of the black theme, so we’re back to the orinjino one.
What’s on my Playlist?
Estelle ft Kanye West – American Boy
July 14, 2008 at 6:06 pm
First! Damn son! You need to make a movie about your life.
Wacha I redigest and comment.
July 14, 2008 at 6:10 pm
hahahahah Mishale your life is just full of drama…. i think i need to live in your shoes just for one weekend i skia how it feels.
u finally complied wit ms Dildo…good for u.
that shit of bringing pals around is TOTAL BULLSHIT. women please style UP!
ati ur hse has only one sofa..kwani its those rectangular hses where u can only weka sofas facing one direction?
July 14, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I got a good dose of laughter reading your post!
July 14, 2008 at 8:37 pm
LOL
Pole but thats some funny sh8t!!
LOL
July 14, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Am joining 3TOC (yeah i know she’ll be here soon) in kneeling and saying a prayer for you…actually 2. the other one is for Pinky….Ati butt plug! LMAO. Njisas
July 14, 2008 at 10:10 pm
BTW, am feeling BMW (generally as a motogari), if finances behave, soon we shall be seating on those 8by6 stones in that dingy place sipping cold ones as we be entertained from a certain series (not 7) with serious sub woofers….. A man can dream, right?
July 14, 2008 at 11:30 pm
LMAO…..kweli you attract psychos.
Point number three..yah, the small font one. Thank you for changing back. I was sometimes getting confused whose blog I am on.
Good and hilarious read Archer…..LOL!!!
July 15, 2008 at 12:01 am
Thanks for making my day!!
July 15, 2008 at 3:28 am
Kweli that is a messed up situation entourage and all I’m glad I’m not your neighbour.
July 15, 2008 at 4:10 am
Lol! You have definately put a smile on my face in this frigging cold morning. But that gal! Damn! Wat! Dude, I think you are very patient, cuz if i was a dude and in yo position, I’d have done something she would never pull that stunt on anyone ever again! But pole bana.
As for Ms. Dildo. . .might you have been the reason for her suicidal attempt(s)? 😉 hehehe.
July 15, 2008 at 4:41 am
8 FRIENDS!!!!! clearly a gal has issues if i were u they would have had to sort themselves out regardless of the time kwani she thinks u r red cross or HABITAT or some other such NGO??? chics amaze me sometimes 🙂
July 15, 2008 at 5:32 am
and this is why i don’t talk to my exes dear. try following Xs [pun not intended]advice, it’s safer, cheaper and saner. 😉
July 15, 2008 at 5:47 am
Phew! Finally done ROTFLMAO. There are too many crazy and clueless women out there and you have had more than your fair share.
I’m glad you have closed that chapter – too much drama.
July 15, 2008 at 5:50 am
you know if XS is on his knees things are bad.
Ebu move over I pray with you and for you too.
The bit that had me in stitches- “I am coming back so we can talk.” and then she shows up with her friends. Talk about peace talks.
July 15, 2008 at 6:02 am
Dude, she rolls 40 deep, like those entourages on Facebook.Hehehe.
But really, that was cruel and unusual punishment, bringing 8 mamas, some of whom were clearly in need of a ka-loose plot. at your expense. I second the movie of Archer’s life.
July 15, 2008 at 6:36 am
While i sympathize heck that was too funny, now off to explain to my boss why am laughing alone.
July 15, 2008 at 6:41 am
You’re incredibly patient (such drama would be too much for me)
July 15, 2008 at 6:50 am
LOL thats one funny story. As a girl who cannot stand the company of more than one woman, how did you cope with a house full of eight chattering women? High pitched voices etc?
Sorry for the lost opportunity.
July 15, 2008 at 6:58 am
Am so sorry for your predicament but could not help but laugh your ex is on a totally different level.
Why did you not just throw them out, it’s your digs no?
July 15, 2008 at 7:14 am
And they still show us some past expiry date series’ on TV? This one right here is just a serious comedy for KTN or whatever other Tv to consider… Bro, pole sana for your drama… clearly that X of your is just one of a kind!
Ati what happened to that watch of yours? Is it the same watch that you had the male version and you had bought some girl the female version? @ that cost??? LOL… Pole…
July 15, 2008 at 7:24 am
only you dude. only you. that’s some funny shit. LOL! ati butt plug? hehehehe
ladies, explain…plizz. why why why mnakujanga wengi…
July 15, 2008 at 7:55 am
damn. oh the drama!
i love that track. ask me why. not.
July 15, 2008 at 10:45 am
Picture this, Me in the library, phone at hand reading your post, then suddenly laughing out loud..Kisha getting kicked out..life can’t get better than this!
July 15, 2008 at 11:29 am
Haha!!! it is a sad day for ‘womankind’ when your man tells you he doesnt like you going to his place with ‘the girls’… ALL OF THEM….and your idea of ‘i’m comming back we talk’ is taking them back to his place! ={
that weezy, kalonzo, nagila conversation is too funny!!
you’ve done it again lav…… sorry i know this is not funny in anyway to you, but DAMN…my ribs hurt!
Ms Dildo…..she just needs to grow a brain!
July 15, 2008 at 11:44 am
Your chile has a posse? Like an old-school rapper?
I’m dying!
Where do you find these people?
July 15, 2008 at 11:53 am
Comedy Central. Either you are a very patient man-(with humanitarian tendancies (i just recommended you for a UN job))
or you were extremely desperate for that lay, or maybe both.
How now? eight frigging women!! behaving like that!?
@ Modoathii- if you ever have a ‘delegates’ date just know the chick has serious growing up to do or she gives jerk about you..Simply tell her to step, If you hang on to ‘reap from your investment’ U will burn your fingers like Archer.
July 15, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Eight lmao were they attending an harambee?
sincerely that chic needs some school of thought ideas.
July 15, 2008 at 12:47 pm
LMAO!
why she would come back to talk about you being upset STILL with her pals beats me…
July 15, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hahaha…LMFAO! this shit is too funny…this happened in kenya or?
July 15, 2008 at 1:21 pm
waaaa!!
This is out of this world hilarious!!
July 15, 2008 at 1:25 pm
LOL! Kumbe M.O. has never changed? A chap expects Eve and Entourage checks in. http://www.thinkersroom.com/blog/2005/09/night-shift-2/
July 15, 2008 at 2:45 pm
LOL, pure drama!Mambo za ex, tupa mbali, otherwise you will soon host her and her entire clan, for good.
July 15, 2008 at 3:45 pm
aieh! I have laughed. Like someone said, you are very patient! I kept thinking, “why is he putting up with that chit”
lol at Ms Dildo…lol! serves you right for going there! lol
asante for the laughs
July 15, 2008 at 6:38 pm
First question? why did you allow her to come back?
If they could buy alcohol, then they damn well better pay for a cab, unless is was tu 1/4’s of richot brandy!
Second: chicks who travel in a pack are either of the following (or all)
1. They are broke (so they wonna leech)
2. they are shagsmodos so they need someone to hold their hand and tell them what to do
3. They are soootuuupid!
4. They like orgies (in which case you may have missed something)
Wooiye Ms Dildo, somehow me I feel her ka pain somehow!
July 16, 2008 at 9:06 am
Mishale if the chics fall under No. 4 as half n Half says..gimme a holla next time they are around.
this post had me rolling on the ground my guy…think your life it toooooo action packed for real!
July 16, 2008 at 4:20 pm
After the text off “I’m coming back we talk.” and ends up showing with the crew, i lifted my hands in surrender.
Your ex is some piece of work…literally!!
Next time you open up Archer’s Boarding & Lodging for the wknd, let me know!
July 17, 2008 at 6:47 am
Maze si you’re a patient man. You actually had a relationship with this woman?
This post has jazzed my day!
July 18, 2008 at 4:06 am
U got 99 probs and a (–insert–)*is one..
You def need to keep your groupies in check mazee,,,we cant be having that mess!!
July 18, 2008 at 7:17 am
I love replying like 5 days or so after you post..coz the comments are just as funny as the post..I’m supposed to be sick..and I’m chekaing like a mwenda in the office..
The orgy reply killed me..yep missed opportunities there..but how can she show up with 8 WOMEN??? As much as I love my friends that is such a no-no!!! Hot or not that chica has issues…
As for Ms. Dildo..I feel no sympathy whatsoever..ati suicide?? I would have shown her which bridge or cliff to jump from if I was a dude..I hate melodramatic people..she knew what she was getting into!
Thanks for making my day 🙂
July 18, 2008 at 10:54 am
Am a chic and very phobic to my kind coz :
1.Talk too much.
2.Think too little.
3.Yeah,theyr leeches.
4.Too dependent.
5.Too bitchy.
maybe cz i grew up wit boiz…but some are very good,ave come across a few i like..But enyewe,ur X has no common sense.blond?
July 18, 2008 at 5:49 pm
thats nairobi for you too many random pple plots that r too few and far in btwn lakini enyewe watu wengine wana tabia mbaya-shameless watu wengine wana tabia mba? mbaya sana
July 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm
one more thing mzeeya make your posts more frequent like i d k everyday maybe some of us need a daily fix
July 20, 2008 at 12:10 am
Now..now…everyone knows that after someone becomes you ex..u funga that chapter completely!!! And who on earth rolls in an entourage of 8?? Damn.. you should have stuck at the bar and ignored all calls..
July 20, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Archer…finally you got ms dildo….dude i thought you were slacking. Anyway thats done…shes not a keeper going by those comments she was making in class…next please.
July 21, 2008 at 8:37 am
first of all this post cracked me up….rolling on the floor with laughter, trust me
8 chicks? am a chick but even I dont walk around witha group that big! first of all I hate groups!
the black theme was kinda gothic, i liked it
so much to comment on, including the fact that i also like that Estelle and Kanye West collabo..
July 21, 2008 at 8:41 am
i understand about people messing other people’s evenings up… there are some dudes who just come and by accident find u in ur room doing ur assignment and actually studying..
but then they are soooo plotless they just sit there and want u to stop what u doing to entertain them,i usually feel like screaming, cant u f****ing see am busy? but i kindly pour them the alvaro bottle i was saving and pretend to be enjoying their visits! that’s why u never find me in my room..
July 21, 2008 at 8:44 am
i dont think u should hook up with ur ex…that one sounds like disaster
and WTF is wrong with poeple who go out with no thought of their sleeping arrangements? I hate being woken up in the night to help sort out such shidaz
so the mchips vocabulary has reached there, huh? mchips=chick
July 21, 2008 at 9:02 am
am out.. was going through the comments..and agree with Val just as interesting as the post
@marura
your daily fix when archer has not updated will be what??
July 21, 2008 at 9:04 am
before i forget….i wonder what u studying and where?
July 22, 2008 at 12:39 pm
am back…
no, i dont like being called we mchips..
infact, i u talk like that i wouldn’t want to be associated with u 🙂
maybe this guy’s infuence is rubbing off one me
July 22, 2008 at 2:44 pm
interesting manenos …. going on here
July 23, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Kucheka hadi u sweat! Dat’s what jus happened this cold nite. Kwanza dat part where she says anarudi u talk things out… Kumbe its transii shidas that have brought her! I can tolerate drama in my house lakini when it gets to overflow to the neighbours,that’s a closed chapter.i hope she gets to read this blog.i wouldn’t mind to read her comment on her side of the story…
As for Ms Dat,i somehow had an inkling when u were asking for our views that u were going to do the direct opposite of majority.that’s what u will do with Ex in due time pia…
Congrats on the 80K hits,its no mean feat.just 4 the mention,i dont mind Nagila.Kalonje i detest.as for Lil,i dont do trash.
July 27, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Why were you ever with this woman in the first place?
July 29, 2008 at 9:20 am
Im so waiting for that Post about how you ended up with her.You have more drama in your life than a Mexican Soap.Great Blog,loving every post.
August 7, 2008 at 6:30 am
i get the feeling that madam is a psycho which by the way is a bad reflection on your judgement of character.
however i also think you gave and still give her too much air time. you need to chop that tree down now that you failed to nip it in the bud. she obviously knows that she always welcome in your house so feel free to change that status. good luck with that, lord knows you need it!
August 8, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Its been a while since I was here. I mostly read the blogs on my K-Series and the other day someone deleted my opera mini.
Sometime last month I got this call “Hey, si u come to Havana I buy you rum” Am like ok. Got there b4 her so I sat and ordered a drink. She later shows up with 5 of her friends. The others expected me to settle the bill so they ordered ordered ordered and in 15 minutes our bill was reading something in the region of 5k. Naturally I dont walk around with that kind of money so she paid lakini shingo upande.
August 12, 2008 at 10:01 am
To add on the annoying ones, that guy Basket Pasuka or its Basket Payuka. This guy is a serious bore. His interviews are pathetic I dont know why he ever hosts shows like Hot Spot. I dont know whether its because we are used to Julie & Louis who are intelligent and quick and on point.
About Wayne, I guess I’ll b doing a complete pos on him soon.
August 17, 2008 at 9:15 am
Yeah. Kenya is such a funny place.
Small wonder guys have now embraced violence full-throttle and decided to always complain about the government and those in authority.
Only in Kenya can such shizzle happen.
See http://www.peternjenga.com/articles/violent-nation.html
Cheers!
October 25, 2010 at 12:06 pm
You’ve made me laugh sooo hard!!!! I’m so happy I’ve bumped into your blog!!!!