You know the guys who say that God is only a prayer away? Well, they lied. The Main Man had been on mteja since 9:45pm last night. I tried to hola, nutting. I tried over and over again, even asked Farmgal to hola at her Boy and ask him is how he’s lengad my vibe. So the best I could do was send him a Please Call Me and he found it in his schedule to do so a couple of minutes before the penalty shoot-out at the Luzhniki Stadium.

This is how our conversation went:

Main Man: Sup Mishale, what it do? It’s been a while!

Arch: Vipi Dadii, yes it’s been a while….iz vipi?

MM: Jus’ chillin with my angels, you know how we do!

Arch: Er…I have a ka tiny favour to ask of you

MM: If it’s about altering the flow of the big match, sahau!!

Arch: Why not, si you’re the Main Man?

MM: Yeah, but there’s something called Free Will, my son. I rarely play around with that. Who knows, one day I might get sued!

Arch: But we’re clearly the better team!!

MM: In that case, what d’you need me for?

Arch: Well, as you know, we’re going into penalties now

MM: I’m watching it on my 50-acre plasma screen

Arch: You know that’s never been our strong point

MM: Get to the point kijana

Arch: Si you make Petr Cech save all five penalties?

MM: HA!! Earth will never believe such miracles!!

Arch: OK, just one!! Kwanza ya Ronaldo!!

MM: Hmm…. I guess I can do that.

Arch: Cheers!!

MM: Wait, but what’s in it for me? You have to make a sacrifice before I can grant you this favour.

Arch: **cursing under my breath** I was hoping you’d let it slide just this once…


Arch: Mazee I’ve got a loose Sporto in the pack, si you chill I clear it first then we can negotiate?


Arch: OK OK OK OK!!!!! Hold your horses! No more gafs! I promise!!

MM: And no more alcohol!

Arch: Quit jokes, coz now you’re pushing it!

MM: You think so? Watch this!!

***Phone goes dead***

And Chelsea lost the UEFA Champions League final to Man United on penalties. Now I know how it feels at the Emirates Stadium and Anfield to end the season sans silverware. I just hope we don’t perfect the art of doing so every season just as they have.

Still, I’m proud of my boys. After a grueling season, it’s painful to have done so much only to end up short just at the finish line. Many times. We lost the Premiership in the dying minutes of the final match. We lost the Carling Cup final. We lost the Community Shield back in August. Last night, we lost the Champions League final as well.

Avram Grant, thanks for guiding us this far. You’ve proved yourself and the least you deserve is a solid contract. Yes I said it, Grant abaki! At least for one more season.

Captain John Terry, the man with the constitution of an ox. He may have (slipped on the wet grass and therefore) missed the deciding penalty, but no one can doubt his commitment to the team. This guy has saved us more times than I care to remember. Just last week he dislocated his left shoulder. He’s played severally with one broken bone or the other. Who else would sacrifice so much for his team?

The rest of the lads, y’all did well, keep your heads up.


DIDIER DROGBA, you fucking wanker! They (whoever “they” are) say that if you must eat a frog, pick the juiciest. I say if you must slap someone and earn yourself a red card, at least slap like a man, not like your wife! Don’t even bother to return to London, consider yourself persona non grata! Toka na uende, makende wewe!!!!


Photo of the Day

I told you they were lovers!


Drogba: Special One, will you gel my hair?

Mourinho: Of course Didi. For you, I do anything!

(Feel free to write your own caption)

What’s on my Playlist?

Crazy baldheads – Bob Marley