Hello people, it’s been a while. (looking around, seeing if anything’s changed during my absence) actually it’s the first time since I started blogging that I haven’t put down a single entry for a month, much to the annoyance of quite a number of people. Contrary to speculation, I didn’t go into depression after Sunki’s death (although where I come from when a close family member passes on, you shave your heads and wail as loud as you can so that said loved one can hear you from the afterlife and know how much he’ll be missed. So I did the shaving part, not the wailing coz that’d have been straight up psycho) I’d done a few posts during April, but without access to decent computers and a proper internet connection, they were all overtaken by events hence rendered useless.

I’ve had a lot of issues going on in my life that I needed to sort out, a sh*tload of stress and frustration and I’ve never been one to handle stress well. I get extremely painful migraines, but I’ve abused painkillers severally in the past till now no sane doctor would write me a prescription for the particular pills that I need. I’ve also put on a few extra (unnecessary) kilos and my people are complaining! They say I should join a gym immediately. Not that I’m fat or anything, just that it’s now become very obvious what happens when one gains 14 kilos in 12 months. Extra flesh here and there, missing jaw-line and a hint of love handles.

So the other day I decided to go out and get active by playing basketball with my teenage cousin who’s in his high school team. I used to be good back in the day, almost made it to first team until a serious knee condition forced me to retire prematurely. So there I was, trying to re-live the good old days (haven’t even touched a basketball since my er…retirement) dribbled kidogo kidogo then lil man challenged me to a game 21. Let’s just say that I’d be better off on the sidelines making noise with the rest of the cheering squad. Lil man slam-dunked right over my head, you remember that move we used to call “in-your-face” back in the day? Eeeeeee! Alinifanyia hiyo pia!

My doctor’s words back then was “stick to horizontal sports!” hence pool and sex) coz I can’t swim either – you wouldn’t catch me next to any water body larger than a bathtub)

Speaking of sex, Ms. Dildo is still on my case. I don’t think I’ve ever been pursued by any woman as diligently as she has mpaka I’m feeling guilty for not having screwed her already. Thing is, I’ve lost all interest in women. For real! That’s what stress does. If you showed me a naked woman, I’d probably turn the other way and read a book. Hence my card carrying membership of the BT.

I got myself a little flat this week, and Ms Dildo called me and I happened to mention as a “by the way” that I’d got a digz. She was like “that’s so cool, coz I’m looking for a flat around the same place so we’ll be neighbours!”

Ati what?

“Then I could be coming over to hang out, we’d spoon all afternoon, we’d bake cakes and pies, and I’ll even help you decorate your house!”

Say what?

The last thing I need right now is a recurrence of this incident, so I’m even contemplating going to pick up my deposit for the flat and looking for one elsewhere lest she takes over my life completely, starts naming “our four kids” before we’ve even had sex! What to do?

What else is new? I got to find out that I can’t stand kids! I always thought it’s just them kids who don’t like me, but after spending these last few weeks with a 4 year old chap with an ego as big as Mt. Kilimanjaro, I also did some reflecting and found out why I can’t stand them. The results have been nothing short of disastrous. Said 4 year old is the mayai ya nyumba and what HE says is law, otherwise he breaks into loud wails which attract the attention of his mother who quickly ensures that mayai has his way. If he decides to insert “Cartoon Collection #4 – Winnie the Pooh Special” into the DVD player while Kibaki is announcing his 40 thieves cabinet, let him have his way. If said mayai demands for my MP3 player while it’s plugged into my ears, let him have it. If said mayai decides to switch off the Playstation 2 while his older brother and I are playing FIFA 07 and I (miraculously) have a two goal lead (miraculous coz the 16 year old regularly hammers me 5:0 easily) so that he can play Midnight Club…so be it. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to slap this three-foot high fellow. The other day, after a brief “difference of opinion” he told me, in as many words, what loosely translated into “go stuff it up where the sun don’t shine!”

That’s it! I had had it with him. I locked the door, kunjad my sleeves, put spectacles kando and got hold of a good Bata slipper, ready to smack some discipline into the boy…when his mother appeared home from work just in the nick of time. I put down the slipper and watched him grin, probably saying to himself “Uta-do?”

Una bahati tu, next time you shan’t be so lucky!

Actually, the only thing that we have in common is that we both love John Legend’s “Save a little” track. Whenever he sees me with my MP3 player, he asks “Put that song for Paaa-ya-paa-paa” so we’ll listen and sing along, but immediately after that, the mutual resentment resumes.

I’ve tried everything. Patience, which unfortunately the good Lord up above did not equip me with enough of, an oversight on his part. I’ve tried bribery, with chocolate, smarties, cookies from Paul’s Cookieman’s, toffees, chewing gum etc but wapi! Dialogue with a 4 year old is useless. Everyone in the house agrees that they have never seen any two people who are as as incompatible as mayai and me. Just what exactly does a 4-year-old want? Someone please tell me! Perhaps it’s a hint that I shouldn’t ever have kids?

So what have I missed out on in the last 5 or 6 weeks? Fill me in!

Photo of the day

Whose face do you see? Jose Mourinho or Avram Grant?

Mourinho vs Grant

What’s on my Playlist?

Aheri – Kayamba Afrika