May 2008

Just how long does it take Karooocy to blow-dry her wig?


You know the guys who say that God is only a prayer away? Well, they lied. The Main Man had been on mteja since 9:45pm last night. I tried to hola, nutting. I tried over and over again, even asked Farmgal to hola at her Boy and ask him is how he’s lengad my vibe. So the best I could do was send him a Please Call Me and he found it in his schedule to do so a couple of minutes before the penalty shoot-out at the Luzhniki Stadium.

This is how our conversation went:

Main Man: Sup Mishale, what it do? It’s been a while!

Arch: Vipi Dadii, yes it’s been a while….iz vipi?

MM: Jus’ chillin with my angels, you know how we do!

Arch: Er…I have a ka tiny favour to ask of you

MM: If it’s about altering the flow of the big match, sahau!!

Arch: Why not, si you’re the Main Man?

MM: Yeah, but there’s something called Free Will, my son. I rarely play around with that. Who knows, one day I might get sued!

Arch: But we’re clearly the better team!!

MM: In that case, what d’you need me for?

Arch: Well, as you know, we’re going into penalties now

MM: I’m watching it on my 50-acre plasma screen

Arch: You know that’s never been our strong point

MM: Get to the point kijana

Arch: Si you make Petr Cech save all five penalties?

MM: HA!! Earth will never believe such miracles!!

Arch: OK, just one!! Kwanza ya Ronaldo!!

MM: Hmm…. I guess I can do that.

Arch: Cheers!!

MM: Wait, but what’s in it for me? You have to make a sacrifice before I can grant you this favour.

Arch: **cursing under my breath** I was hoping you’d let it slide just this once…


Arch: Mazee I’ve got a loose Sporto in the pack, si you chill I clear it first then we can negotiate?


Arch: OK OK OK OK!!!!! Hold your horses! No more gafs! I promise!!

MM: And no more alcohol!

Arch: Quit jokes, coz now you’re pushing it!

MM: You think so? Watch this!!

***Phone goes dead***

And Chelsea lost the UEFA Champions League final to Man United on penalties. Now I know how it feels at the Emirates Stadium and Anfield to end the season sans silverware. I just hope we don’t perfect the art of doing so every season just as they have.

Still, I’m proud of my boys. After a grueling season, it’s painful to have done so much only to end up short just at the finish line. Many times. We lost the Premiership in the dying minutes of the final match. We lost the Carling Cup final. We lost the Community Shield back in August. Last night, we lost the Champions League final as well.

Avram Grant, thanks for guiding us this far. You’ve proved yourself and the least you deserve is a solid contract. Yes I said it, Grant abaki! At least for one more season.

Captain John Terry, the man with the constitution of an ox. He may have (slipped on the wet grass and therefore) missed the deciding penalty, but no one can doubt his commitment to the team. This guy has saved us more times than I care to remember. Just last week he dislocated his left shoulder. He’s played severally with one broken bone or the other. Who else would sacrifice so much for his team?

The rest of the lads, y’all did well, keep your heads up.


DIDIER DROGBA, you fucking wanker! They (whoever “they” are) say that if you must eat a frog, pick the juiciest. I say if you must slap someone and earn yourself a red card, at least slap like a man, not like your wife! Don’t even bother to return to London, consider yourself persona non grata! Toka na uende, makende wewe!!!!


Photo of the Day

I told you they were lovers!


Drogba: Special One, will you gel my hair?

Mourinho: Of course Didi. For you, I do anything!

(Feel free to write your own caption)

What’s on my Playlist?

Crazy baldheads – Bob Marley

This past weekend marked two years since I wrote my first blog entry! Quite an achievement, considering the fact that one month in blogosphere is equivalent to kedo 6 months.

Lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought into why I blog and who I blog for. When I first started out in mid 2006, I used to blog for myself. Blogging was therapeutic, an avenue for me to vent, to write about mundane stuff that occurred in my life, my thoughts about this and that, knowing there’s always be someone out there who could read my post and relate with what I was going through or thinking at the time. Blogging was far simpler when I’d get only 50 hits and 5 comments per post coz back then, there wasn’t much pressure to blog.

Two blogs, 124 posts, 69,102 hits in the last 13 months alone, 5000+ hits monthly, I should be content, right? Not really. Nowadays I don’t feel as if I own my blog. My readers, who have their own expectations of what kind of posts I should write about, own it. I’m merely employed to churn out a post every week. I can no longer write about deep or personal stuff like I could two years ago. It’s good to be popular, but at what cost, losing myself in the process? My life isn’t as exciting as it was a year or two ago, now that I’m back in school and trying hard to keep my head down and keep a low profile. Besides, I’ve matured kiasi since then. It’s not every week that I can write posts like this one and this one and that one.

Speaking of maturing, is it just me or has the Kenyan blogosphere become a lot less exciting than it was a couple of years back? I miss the days of Aco’s e-pub back in late 2006, the days when we’d all wait with baited breath for Guessaurus’ next post, Nick’s hilarious tales, KM’s crazy adventures? What happened to all our favourite old school bloggers, the ones whose latest posts we’d bookmark and read over and over again, usually just having a ball in the comments section? The guys we couldn’t wait to get home after a hectic day and unwind to their un-seriousness? What happened to Devious (ex wife), Milo, Kenyanchick, Couch ‘Tato, Kipepeo, Stunuh Jay, The Hanyee, Princess, Udi, Kabinti, Ms K, Jadekitten and Stackofstiffys? More recently, what happened to Angry Somali Man, Bantu, JM, Pilato, Tweety, Aegeus, Sis Big Bones, Unyc, Bryjoe and Kayliz? Even now, Ichiena, Betty, Chatterly and Mama Shady are slowly making a much overdue comeback.

I’ve even had to create a new link category on my sidebar for those missing in action. (If you spot any of them anywhere, kindly drag them to the nearest keyboard)

Only a few old schoolers are still holding fort. M, Mocha! Gishungwa, Movie buff aka Ciiku, Kelitu, Nakeel among others but it’s just not the same! Even Aco has gradually mellowed out from his controversial hard-hitting, feminist hating, bitch slapping days.

It seems that every day the Kenyan blogosphere loses some of its juice. When was the last time you clicked onto the KBW Aggregator and read almost every single post from #1 through to #50 and still refreshed the site every hour on the hour for updates? Try that right now and you’re almost guaranteed to fall asleep before you come across a single post worth reading. Go on, give it a try!! Click here.

I know many of the above bloggers personally and what I know is that they’ve become more engaged in their professional commitments whether it’s career or school, their priorities have changed since then, they’ve matured as well and in the process blogging has taken a back seat. But the void that they left behind is HUGE!! There’s just no more excitement, not much motivation to blog other than the fact that my readers expect, no, DEMAND a post every week!

I’m not saying the other bloggers are not worth reading, they are! In fact, great new blogs are born every so often e.g. Crystal Balls, The Intelligensia, Sultry Nutter, Zax and A Son of his Mother (I directed his class play when he was in Form 1, then he went on to make his first million bob by the time he was 21 and never even bought me a beer!) but these days I more often than not find myself reading through old school bloggers archives or checking out Ugandan blogs.

While I’m at it, Aco had complained a while back that we’ve all slowly turned into a bunch of “yes-men” and sycophants (what he referred to as “seal clapping”) We try so hard to be in everyone’s good books to the extent of avoiding disagreement at any cost with what a blogger has written about. In turn, whenever someone puts up a post, all we see in the comments page is a bunch of voices echoing exactly what the blogger has written about, however inaccurate or controversial as it may have been. What’s up with that?

There are times I’ve put up posts hoping they’d inspire some sort of debate, but I got very disappointed when all I got was a series of “I agree with you” or those who were not of the same viewpoint either stayed away from commenting or started out by “sio kwa ubaya, but…” come on guys! We cannot always agree on everything! And even when we fail to agree, you’ve got every right to express your divergent views. It’s not as if I (or any other blogger) would banish you from my blog. Unlike some loose-cannon war mongers who showed their true colours during the post election crisis some months ago, not everyone will unleash personal insults at you for not agreeing with what they’ve written. Take for example the one and only Joe who would regularly clash with M and Aco, get hammered, and still come back to malreason some more and get hammered yet again! Kaggz was another one. Come to think of it, I actually do miss Kaggz. We need more guys like Mo Ma who don’t kiss ass (Dude, just coz I shot you down the other day doesn’t mean you vanish for good. I read your blog quite often, where d’you think I got the ammo to shoot you down?)

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’ve got a lot of weighty issues going on in my life that are obviously my priority right now, along with school, so blogging is slowly losing it’s importance to me and it may only be a matter of time before I hang up my keyboard for good.

Seriousness aside, over the last one year, I’ve come to meet a lot of bloggers and form close personal relationships with many of them. They’ve become good friends who I can count on any day, any time and they’d come through for me. And they have, severally! Asanteni sana and I hope that I can be half the friend to you that you’ve all been to me. Mnajijua.

To everyone who reads this blog, asanteni sana, and I hope you’ll keep reading even though I fully intend to take back the ownership of this blog, by force!

What’s on my Playlist?

Submerge: Till we become the sun – Maxwell

Hello people, it’s been a while. (looking around, seeing if anything’s changed during my absence) actually it’s the first time since I started blogging that I haven’t put down a single entry for a month, much to the annoyance of quite a number of people. Contrary to speculation, I didn’t go into depression after Sunki’s death (although where I come from when a close family member passes on, you shave your heads and wail as loud as you can so that said loved one can hear you from the afterlife and know how much he’ll be missed. So I did the shaving part, not the wailing coz that’d have been straight up psycho) I’d done a few posts during April, but without access to decent computers and a proper internet connection, they were all overtaken by events hence rendered useless.

I’ve had a lot of issues going on in my life that I needed to sort out, a sh*tload of stress and frustration and I’ve never been one to handle stress well. I get extremely painful migraines, but I’ve abused painkillers severally in the past till now no sane doctor would write me a prescription for the particular pills that I need. I’ve also put on a few extra (unnecessary) kilos and my people are complaining! They say I should join a gym immediately. Not that I’m fat or anything, just that it’s now become very obvious what happens when one gains 14 kilos in 12 months. Extra flesh here and there, missing jaw-line and a hint of love handles.

So the other day I decided to go out and get active by playing basketball with my teenage cousin who’s in his high school team. I used to be good back in the day, almost made it to first team until a serious knee condition forced me to retire prematurely. So there I was, trying to re-live the good old days (haven’t even touched a basketball since my er…retirement) dribbled kidogo kidogo then lil man challenged me to a game 21. Let’s just say that I’d be better off on the sidelines making noise with the rest of the cheering squad. Lil man slam-dunked right over my head, you remember that move we used to call “in-your-face” back in the day? Eeeeeee! Alinifanyia hiyo pia!

My doctor’s words back then was “stick to horizontal sports!” hence pool and sex) coz I can’t swim either – you wouldn’t catch me next to any water body larger than a bathtub)

Speaking of sex, Ms. Dildo is still on my case. I don’t think I’ve ever been pursued by any woman as diligently as she has mpaka I’m feeling guilty for not having screwed her already. Thing is, I’ve lost all interest in women. For real! That’s what stress does. If you showed me a naked woman, I’d probably turn the other way and read a book. Hence my card carrying membership of the BT.

I got myself a little flat this week, and Ms Dildo called me and I happened to mention as a “by the way” that I’d got a digz. She was like “that’s so cool, coz I’m looking for a flat around the same place so we’ll be neighbours!”

Ati what?

“Then I could be coming over to hang out, we’d spoon all afternoon, we’d bake cakes and pies, and I’ll even help you decorate your house!”

Say what?

The last thing I need right now is a recurrence of this incident, so I’m even contemplating going to pick up my deposit for the flat and looking for one elsewhere lest she takes over my life completely, starts naming “our four kids” before we’ve even had sex! What to do?

What else is new? I got to find out that I can’t stand kids! I always thought it’s just them kids who don’t like me, but after spending these last few weeks with a 4 year old chap with an ego as big as Mt. Kilimanjaro, I also did some reflecting and found out why I can’t stand them. The results have been nothing short of disastrous. Said 4 year old is the mayai ya nyumba and what HE says is law, otherwise he breaks into loud wails which attract the attention of his mother who quickly ensures that mayai has his way. If he decides to insert “Cartoon Collection #4 – Winnie the Pooh Special” into the DVD player while Kibaki is announcing his 40 thieves cabinet, let him have his way. If said mayai demands for my MP3 player while it’s plugged into my ears, let him have it. If said mayai decides to switch off the Playstation 2 while his older brother and I are playing FIFA 07 and I (miraculously) have a two goal lead (miraculous coz the 16 year old regularly hammers me 5:0 easily) so that he can play Midnight Club…so be it. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to slap this three-foot high fellow. The other day, after a brief “difference of opinion” he told me, in as many words, what loosely translated into “go stuff it up where the sun don’t shine!”

That’s it! I had had it with him. I locked the door, kunjad my sleeves, put spectacles kando and got hold of a good Bata slipper, ready to smack some discipline into the boy…when his mother appeared home from work just in the nick of time. I put down the slipper and watched him grin, probably saying to himself “Uta-do?”

Una bahati tu, next time you shan’t be so lucky!

Actually, the only thing that we have in common is that we both love John Legend’s “Save a little” track. Whenever he sees me with my MP3 player, he asks “Put that song for Paaa-ya-paa-paa” so we’ll listen and sing along, but immediately after that, the mutual resentment resumes.

I’ve tried everything. Patience, which unfortunately the good Lord up above did not equip me with enough of, an oversight on his part. I’ve tried bribery, with chocolate, smarties, cookies from Paul’s Cookieman’s, toffees, chewing gum etc but wapi! Dialogue with a 4 year old is useless. Everyone in the house agrees that they have never seen any two people who are as as incompatible as mayai and me. Just what exactly does a 4-year-old want? Someone please tell me! Perhaps it’s a hint that I shouldn’t ever have kids?

So what have I missed out on in the last 5 or 6 weeks? Fill me in!

Photo of the day

Whose face do you see? Jose Mourinho or Avram Grant?

Mourinho vs Grant

What’s on my Playlist?

Aheri – Kayamba Afrika

(This post is so overdue that it’s been overtaken by events)

Loserpool 2

We may not have won the trophy five times in Istanbul,
But we’re proud that we’ve got the chance to win it on May 21st in Moscow.

We may not have made it to the final (how many?) times
But we’re proud that we’ve made it just this once.

We may not have an experienced European manager,
But we’re proud of our “Toady” Avram Grant.

We may not have the so-called “12th man”
But we sure made do with John Arne Riise!!

We may not be building a brand new multi million-dollar 60,000 seater stadium,
But we’re extremely proud of our little fortress, Stamford Bridge.

We may (apparently) suck, we may also (apparently) be a substandard team (according to one misguided dungheap)
But unlike Loserpool, we compete on all fronts every season, consistently, and this won’t be our second (or is it third) season sans silverware.

We may not have “pedigree” “passion” “panache” and a non-existent mythical bird on our chests
But we have patience, faith, courage and a lion on our chests!

It’s better to live on hope than to survive on memories.

Last night was one of the happiest nights of my life, we FINALLY made it to the Champions League final!!! Even if we don’t win it on 21st (though I have every confidence that my boys will be more than a match for Man United) I’ll be glad that we at least made it there. The recent resurgence of Chelsea FC over the recent past has been nothing short of astounding and if only they’d played this well during the entire season, we’d have wrapped up the Premiership already. But we’re in the running, and I hope we pull it off.

I’m not really bothered about the Premier League coz Man United have a vastly superior goal difference, so it would take a miraculous perforrmance by Wigan this weekend to deny them the trophy. And Bolton won’t be easy for us either.

I’m even beginning to change my opinion of Avram Grant! I think he’s proved himself. Although I’d rather have Frank Rijkaard as manager next season.

Off to Moscow to hammer Man United and paint Red Square BLUE!!!

What’s on my playlist?

Aerodynamic – Daft Punk