I come from a community where everyone happens to be related one way or the other. I have no idea how, but someway, somehow, if two random guys were to investigate their family trees, there’s a very big possibility that they’d find a common link somewhere. Which is not a bad thing. Things only get messed up when it comes to the mamas.

It is for that reason (coz we’re all related somehow) that I would never hook up with a chic from my community. I’ve seen about three or four situations in the past where one of my cousins met a guy/chic, fell in love, kicked it pamoja for a few years, the chap proposed and when it came to doing the family intros where they’re told “ahaa, I see you’ve met uncle so and so’s daughter/son! That’s your cousin!” Drat! Yaani I’ve been bumping pelvises with my cuzo? WTF??!

There’s a very big possibility that someday in the future I might marry a chic from Central Kenya coz for some reason my arrows never land further. They fly over Nyeri and Murang’a and ensconce themselves there. I’ve even read Kenyatta’s Facing Mt Kenya, particularly the chapters that deal with courtship & marriage, so as to acquaint myself with the Kikuyu customs in preparations for such an eventuality. And I’ve attended a few ngurarios as well. Anyway, that’s not the point.

Two weekends ago I was at my cousin’s graduation bash where I ran into a couple of my boys so we hang out. The two guys couldn’t see why I wasn’t hitting on any of the many chics there, and I was like “huyo? Cuzo. Even that one. Huyo pia. Damn Jesus! Even that one with the nice tanye apparently is my cuzo though I’ve never seen her before.” And that was the beginning of a long conversation about how all my tribesmen are related.

I blame it on my grandfolks and their predecessors who just spread their seed all over the place. My grandpa had 4 (known) wives, each of whom had about 10 kids. I haven’t mentioned the clandes and the wives who were fukuzwad for whatever reason. The chap was a superstar. In fact his 10th anniversary is this Sunday. R.I.P grandpa, you were the greatest.

A while later one of the guys (let’s call him W) introduced me to a ka hot number who as far as I knew was a friend of a friend of a friend of my cousin who was graduating. Then he asked me to guess which tribe she was from and I couldn’t. (I’m actually quite good at these things by the way) so I guessed she must either have been a Meru, from Coasto ama somewhere there, or just for good measure (coz it’s hard to go wrong with this guess) labda ni msapere.

She said I was wrong on all three counts but refused to divulge her tribal roots. Not that it mattered anyway (by then I’d already forgotten about the conversation with W and the other chap) so we hang out for a few minutes, made conversation, had a couple of drinks, flirted a bit, exchanged numbers and of course Agendas X,Y and Z were made for after the graduation bash came to an end.

See, W is one of those guys you don’t leave with a woman for more than 5 minutes. If you do, you might as well forget about her. He’s lethal like that. There’s once on the hanye he was feeling the don, so we picked on a random mama and challenged him to get her panties in 10 minutes or less. He embarked on the mission and best believe he had her panties in his hand in 8 minutes 53 seconds. So vile I’d seen that he’d zubaad kiasi, of course I took advantage of his absence!

Then W came back. “I see you guys have now acquainted yourselves, sivyo? Haiya, my guy, this mama is from your tribe!

Archer: Ati what? Impossible!

Hot number: Actually it’s true.

So W dared us to investigate our family tree to see if there was any possibility that we might be related. Which I prayed wasn’t the case coz the way I was planning to descend on that sianda…….

Same tribe, same district, kwanza the constituency is right next door to ours! Hapo there’s no need to start dropping names coz the probability of consanguinity is already over 80% .

Before you ask, W went home with her that night.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

What’s on my playlist?

Makes me wanna pray – Madonna