I have this friend, let’s call him PWT. Now, PWT and I were partners in crime in SA. Whenever there was some drama unfolding somewhere and you heard that one of us was involved, best believe that the other was in close proximity (although most time he did the getting into sh*t, I did the bailing out. The night I assumed flight over a couple flights of stairs in SA, we were together. He just took off from the other exit) but yeah, we’ve had some good times the two of us.

But I really need to saidia this pal of mine. See, PWT is a perpetual wood thrower (hence PWT) coz he’s got the most dubious taste in women. Every man is allowed to throw wood once in a while, but when that becomes a constant affair, then there’s definitely a problem somewhere. Sure I’ve also lost the plot a couple of times, but I think 1 suspect mama per year is not a bad ratio, after all they do need some loving too, au sivyo?

PWT studied in the States for about three years before transferring to SA and he used to regale us with tales of how they used to kick it with some fine ass hip hop video material chics (he made guys believe that what we see on TV about Miami is indeed a true reflection of the entire country, whilst forgetting that the US has been the world’s fattest nation for many years until last year when they were overtaken by SA) and that they have a high affinity for Kenyan men. Something to do with Paul Tergat and all those other wonderful athletic ambassadors and the perception that all Kenyans have mad ass stamina. Guys had believed that PWT had mad game when it came to the ladies, until he showed us pics of his ex girlfriends.

The first was La Qu’aisha (I’m not kidding) sijui La Kwisha who has got to share some genetic qualities with an amoeba coz for real that mwili of hers was amorphous. Then she had one horrendous weave, coupled with a very thick layer of make up which was so bad… both of which actually make Lilian Muli look like a very decent member of her Church choir. His second girlfriend was even worse. And he dated both for a total of three years.

His first order of business after arriving in SA was to hook up with a thoroughly injured Zimbabwean mama who unfortunately had the distinction of being called the wackest mama on campus. (her nickname was Dikwonkwo) I’d just met him at the time so I didn’t feel it was my place to chanusha him, but I still found a way to ask him kwani he couldn’t do better? His response was that “he was getting acquainted with the local scenery, and one has to start from the bottom and work his way up” but he probably didn’t realize that women will treat you to some extent based on your own taste. No one will take you seriously if you’ve been known to date the wackest mama on campus.

Lemme give you a picture of how wack this mama was. There was a time we were in a jav from campus and PWT and the missus had a polite argument. It went on for a while before PWT said “sweetie I think you’re being very unfair, but you have no idea how much I’m in love with you.” All the passengers (all students) burst into laughter. One even commented that PWT must have a huge stockpile of porn. Figure it out. If you can’t, pole sana.

We used to throw a lot of parties back then (coz the hanye only plays kwaito and house, and there’s only so much kwaito and house that one can stomach) and of course I’d invite PWT. But the fala kept showing up with Dikwonkwo so he was always frozen at the door. I took it upon myself to try and chanusha the brother so I’d invite a healthy number of Malawian chics…

Slight digression: Zack, I agree with you that we have very beautiful women in Kenya. We do, Kenya is quite blessed in that regard. But the main problem with Kenyan women (sisters, don’t shoot me, I’m only telling it as it is) is that they pima us guys too much. When the average guy steps up, even before he’s reached out his hand to introduce himself, he’s already been stripped of so many marks that it’s pointless for him to make a move on the chic! I think this is how it works; every guy starts out with 10 marks. From the time he makes eye contact with said damsel to the moment he musters adequate courage to approach her, he’s lost 1 mark for dress code, 1 mark for the 500 bob watch, 1 mark for drinking his beer straight out of the bottle, another 1 mark if it’s one of those ka funny beers like Allsopps & Ranger which EABL only market in the bundus of Ndallas and Masayoosets. The shoes…good lord, minus 1 mark immediately! Then he has a Nokia 1110? No thank you, minus another 1. Final assessment: the dude’s a brokeass, which is a crime, therefore minus 2. So, before the jamaa has opened his mouth even if he has vibes laced with honey and caramel, he’s operating on 2/10 marks. Success, in this case, is a nothing more than a mere rumour.

Take for example two weekends ago, I was at a barbecue at a friend’s place, and obviously there were some women there. I’d been pimwad thoroughly for one reason or the other (ok I hadn’t shaved for a week and I had some ill-fitting Kenya Rugby team t-shirt -it shrunk after the first wash) so my cheap phone and I were operating on something like 2.5 marks. So I didn’t get very far. But as we were leaving and I was walking to the car, everything changed.

 

“Wow, is that your car? OMG! Dual DVD screens? Radio phone? So cool! Can I get a ride?”

 

then the other chic adds

 

“You don’t know him? He’s Archer. He’s the dude who threw that wicked bash last weekend!”

 

“The one in *insert neighbourhood here* yeah I heard about it, I can’t believe I missed it! Are you having another one soon? Here’s my number, call me! Kwanza where are you going after this?”

While (as one much missed Devious would say) brrinking shameressry an obvious hint that she was chips funga-able. All that without me even saying a word. I hate opportunists and gold diggers.

Malawian women on the other hand, are not only very, very beautiful (I reckon they’re some of the most beautiful women in Africa) but they’re also very elegant, classy, polite, cultured (which is a very rare and understated quality) and generally very intelligent. Na hawana siasa mingi. They beat Kenyan women hands down. 10 nil. Easily. Sio kwa ubaya, ni ukweli tu.

(3N, organize that exchange programme soonest possible)

Anyway, back to the story. We used to invite them fwyne Malawians (every Kenyan guy wanted to hook up with one coz it’s good for the CV and obviously to spite the Kenyan mamas who used to feel very sweet for us and were therefore never invited for these bashes) and being the good friend that I am, I couldn’t leave PWT behind. I tried severally to hook him up with them Malawians but he’d always do as his name suggests. The trunk, the branches, even the leaves and the roots and the loose soil around them, he’s throw them all.

Another time there were some German students who came on a semester long exchange programme and those women arrived with some serious jungle fever. Perhaps they heard the usual stereotype about African men, and one day PWT called to invite me for drinks with his latest acquisition who he fondly referred to as his Mercedes SLK Kompressor. I thought “it’s about time this guy got his act together” but that was before I arrived there. SLK resembles one of those Ukrainian power lifters who have been banned for excessive use of anabolic steroids. She had stunyad like Conjestina (and her 2 brothers) and had a face like Fatuma Zarika. Kompressor indeed.

PWT landed in the country the other day and we met on the hanye and as usual, he was (rather excitedly) telling me about his latest conquest from Zambia. “Ngoja I show you her photo!”

“Oh no, please don’t tell me you did it again. Please, for the love of the good Lord upstairs please don’t tell me…. Aish Chief! You never cease to disappoint!!”

Sidebar: do Kenyans ever chanuka really? Yaani guys still go to studios to “beat snaps” with their other halves, bright lights, Vaseline, shady backgrounds and all? Jameni!

I’ve really given it a lot of thought, what causes bad taste? Is it genetic? Is it intrinsic? Is it as a result of low self esteem coz you feel like you can’t do better? Really, what causes bad taste? And how can it be cured?

Don’t give me that crap of “beauty is in the eye of the beerholder” and “what’s beautiful to one is not necessarily beautiful to another” coz I’m talking about SERIOUSLY bad taste. Chronic if you may.

Some people say that guys are usually attracted to chics who share certain characteristics with their mothers (whether behavioral or otherwise) and that the reverse happens to chics. But I’ve met PWT’s old lady and it’s quite obvious that she was a hot number in her days. PWT has 3 sisters, two of whom are very attractive. So that negates the theory.

I need to help this brother of mine real soon coz (during one very drunken moment) he said he wants me to be his best man at his wedding one day, and to be godfather to his tois. But as the potential best man, si it’s my duty to ensure that he marries someone worthy? Si people will ask me what the hell I was doing as PWT was scraping at the bottom of the barrel? Aren’t I supposed to be his friend? And there’s no way I’m going to be godfather to (as M would put it) a kid whose face resembles the back of a departing Peugeot 504.

All ideas are welcome.

 

A.O.B

I’ve recently come to realize that the Nokia 1110 is by far the coolest and most popular phone in Kenya. Everyone has one. If you don’t, wewe ndio mshamba! Get one from your nearest distributor, only Ksh 1,995/= only. Hurry, while stocks last.


What’s on my playlist?

Pink & Blue – Outkast