November 2007

OK I admit, this is just an excuse to write something up in here. (I don’t know if this qualifies as a post) does it?

I got this idea from Udi’s blog, so I decided to check out my blog rating on this ka website over here.

So this is what it has to say about my blog.

Archer - PG 13

That’s coz it contained “sex” (2x) and “porn” (1x)

For real? My blog is rated PG-13? I guess that’s cool, no?

But then, this is where it gets hilarious, apparently Milo’s blog has a “General Audienced – All Ages Admitted” rating. (WHAT?! LMAO x 1000!!!! In that case, Milo si you start a children’s bedtime stories series?)

Milo - General Audiences

whereas EGM’s got a PG rating!!

EGM - Parental Guidance advised

Mwehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!Apparently it contains an unhealthy amount of “kill (3x)” and “steal  (1x)” (add “destroy” and you’d have been the Anti-Christ himself!!)

This rating is so flawed, kwani was it conducted by the ODM Elections Board?

(Jimmy, don’t bother checking. My monitor lipukad when I searched for yours, it must be PG 35 or somewhere there)


In other news making headlines

Now we know why the England national team are so utterly useless, if them idiots spent half as much time training than screwing loose random mamas in nightclubs, perhaps they would have qualified for Euro 2008!! (Unfortunately, I happen to own a #8 LAMPARD jersey which I can’t seem to get rid of. It was a gift from my ex, and last year when Lamps missed a penalty for England during the world Cup, I ripped it off and threw it to the floor, but somehow the stupid jersey found its way back home the next day. Pubs in Jo’ burg are quite interesting)


What’s on my playlist?

Skyy, can you feel me? – Raphael Saadiq

Doesn’t this track have one of the most beautiful instrumentals ever? I love it love it love it!! (Kipepeo ’06) unfortunately the MP3 track refused to upload, so hopefully I’ll get that done tomorrow then y’all can get to sample the track.

End of technical appearance. Be good peoples!!


It has been said before that if you can survive driving in Nairobi for one year without being involved in an accident, a traffic violation and without having to pay any bribes, then you can survive on any road anywhere in the world. Heck, you should be awarded an F.I.A rally licence! (although I know a few people who should be awarded a Formula 1 licence)

Nairobian roads are not for the faint hearted. To survive here, you’ve gotta be a ninja, nothing less. One cannot afford to be a softie. You have to have balls, skills, wits and a mouth to match. But never make the mistake of assuming that every driver behind the wheel of a small car is a small man, you’ll be very surprised.

In a city where most traffic rules are either non existent or are flouted left right and centre, it becomes a battle where only the wittiest will survive. There remains only one rule which is generally adhered to: Mwenye bull bar mpishe. I don’t need to explain that. Avoid competing for space with a Nissan Patrol and you’ll be assured of getting your car home in one piece.

Nairobian roads are the second best place, after some of our politicians, to learn new abusive vocab.

Here are some of the things that really piss me off about driving in Nairobi. By no means is this list conclusive, so feel free to add your own peeves. Some of the content may offend some readers, so you’re advised to take it all with a pinch of salt.

So what do I really hate about driving in Nairobi?

1. Traffic!! – it is not unheard of to be caught up in traffic for up to two hours or more. There are times when traffic is so thick that you have to turn off your engine and read a book. You might also end up developing interesting hobbies such as these. Lately, there’s a lot of traffic that’s being caused by those PNU and ODM campaign trucks driving around at 20kp/h with loudspeakers extolling the “virtues” of their candidates. I wonder why the police haven’t done anything about them yet.

2. Stingy Drivers: I dislike drivers who will not give way regardless of how much distress you may be in. What does one have to do for them to give way, flash a boob?

3. Drivers who hoot in traffic:  You can clearly see that there are cars in front of me, so now you’re hooting so that I go where, sideways? Even worse are those drivers who start hooting as soon as the traffic lights turn green. Common sense dictates that you wait for the cars ahead to start moving before you get your move on. If you’re so impatient, jump over! Alaa?

4. Drivers who force issues: It is one thing to ask someone to give way, but it’s another thing to force your way in hence inconveniencing the driver you’re trying to squeeze yourself in front of. I especially dislike those drivers who join the main road haphazardly without checking for oncoming traffic. The other day I was doing 140kph on Kiambu Road (I was testing a sports mode switch on the gearbox that I never knew existed) then some idiot just turned into the main road in front of me, thus forcing me to slam onto the brakes to avoid crashing into his rear end (that sounds so nasty!) Thank God for ABS, ESC, ASR, Ferodo brakes and all those fancy gadgets otherwise I’d have been blogging from the afterlife.

5. Toyota Duets: Call me a prick, but me I can’t see how someone can spend 400k+ on a Duet. If only you had worked a little bit harder and saved up for just two more months, you could probably have bought yourself a Vitz! Or you should have cast your eyes a bit further back on the used car queues.

Toyota Duet

 A Starlet is cute, a Vitz is sexy. A Duet on the other hand looks like the love child of two genetically incompatible creatures that had no business looking at each other in a suggestive manner. (Your guess is as good as mine) Those things should be used as automated trolleys at Nakumatt. What does driving a Duet say about you?

If you’re a dude:

a)      You’ve probably got low self esteem

b)      and a small penis – you’re probably one of those guys at the urinal who constantly peep at the next guy’s artillery to see how much firepower he’s packing.

c)       you’ve got insecurity issues

d)      you’ve got one of those “when I grow up, I want to be a Prado!” stickers at the back of your Duet.

e)      You probably drink one of those p**** a** beers like White Cap Light. Seriously, which man drinks White Cap Light?

 If you’re a woman:

a)      you’ve probably never had sex in any other position other than missionary

b)      you’ve probably never had an orgasm either, or you think that the G-spot is a new up-market club somewhere on Museum Hill..

c)       you’ve probably also got a low self esteem.

d)      you’re probably needy, clingy and attention seeking and very insecure.

e)      You record all the Mexican soaps on TV and follow them religiously, and this forms the bulk of the conversation at your weekly chama meetings with your female clique.

6. Traffic snarl-ups caused by the Presidential motorcade: Ok we know you’re the prezo, the country’s CEO and we respect that. But wouldn’t it be more convenient for all of us if State House purchased a helicopter for the orezo? Alafu I don’t know how many cars a cabinet minister is supposed to have in his/her motorcade, there’s this kubaff minister who lives somewhere along my route home who has sijui how many VW Passat chase cars which always have sirens blaring. I learnt (after being forced to give way a couple of times) that the best thing to do is to give way, then follow the last of the Passats as they force their way through traffic.

7. “Kirinyaga Road” spinners: Spinners on their own are so ghetto, I’d never put such on my car. But there are these “Kirinyaga Road spinners” where the wing-shaped tu spinner is of a smaller diameter than the rim it’s supposed to be spinning on. Usually found on cheap cars (like Toyota Duets) but there’s a muarabu fellow who’s got them on his black BMW X5!!! (the way he feels so hot in his “blinged out” X5? Ha! Shagzmodo!!) If you don’t believe me, dude hangs out at Mobil Westlands on most weekends. Go see for yourself.

8. Drivers who overtake on roundabouts: I’m sure you’ve experienced those hindiots who cruise through the third lane to avoid the traffic on the fourth lane, then they try to force their way straight into the inner most lane right at the roundabout. Very sityoopid. These days I don’t smile with them, doesn’t matter how much they plead or beg. We’ll go round the roundabout, where the keen eyed traffic cop will force the offender to go straight ahead instead of turning right at the roundabout.

9. People who drive on full beam: It’s only common sense that you shouldn’t mulika oncoming motorists by driving on full beam, especially at early evening hours. Notorious offenders include matatu drivers (you’re excused, we understand) and 4x4s. Others include drivers of Land Rover Freelanders, Discovery 3, Range Rovers and Range Rover Sport, Mercedes C, E, M and S Class. We know y’all have got neon lights, but that’s no excuse to drive on full beam permanently! I’ve decided that one day I’ll fit my car with landing lights for an Airbus A340. Woe unto you if you refuse to dim your lights, I’ll mulika you so hard that you’ll see Jesus coming back to earth driving a convertible Toyota Duet.

10. Bootleg modifications: It’s good to want to soup up your car, but there are some cars yaani even Pimp my ride can’t saidia. I’m sure you’ve seen those multi-coloured Japanese cars with humongous spoilers, sideskirts, spinners and boom twaf equipment that probably costs more than the car itself. Don’t force issues jameni! If your car isn’t suitable for a bodykit, don’t just ensconce one by force!! Plus cars are like women *****ducking stones***** the lesser the better. A lady doesn’t have to pile up everything on her make up table to look attractive, a bit of lip gloss here, some mascara there and you’re good to go, otherwise she’ll end up looking like a ho!!

11. Matatus: Love them or hate them, but they’re here to stay. We love them when we’re inside and the driver bends all the rules in the book so as to get us to our destinations on time, we love them for their colourful graffiti, but we hate them when we have to compete with them. I take issue with the ones that have turned themselves into porn arcades with all the lewdest lyrics and videos playing at the loudest volume possible. A few weeks ago, my aunt and I were in a mat which was booming the uncensored version of Akon’s “I wanna f*** you”. I requested the kange to chuck the track, only for him to put on the video for that song where that G-Unit fellow (50 Cent I think?) and Ciara are topless and both kamataing each other very seriously.

12. Potholes: I wonder how potholes in Nairobi can be allowed to grow into sufurias. Many are the times that I’ve had to take my car to the garage for broken driveshafts, fallen gearbox, bent rims, punctures, wheel balancing, wheel alignment etc.

13. Cab Drivers: these are some of the most shameless drivers in Nairobi. The most notorious of these are Jatco and those idiots who park outside Prudential Assurance building on Wabera Street. Cretinity does not even begin to describe them.

14. Confused drivers: particularly middle aged Asian women (and drivers of Toyota Duets) If you can’t drive like a Nairobian, stay home!

15. Being stuck behind a slow moving vehicle which you can’t overtake: Imagine being stuck behind a pick-up ferrying vegetables to heaven knows where, on a narrow road where you can’t overtake due to poor visibility eg Red Hill Road and Thigiri Ridge Road. And you’ll be forced to follow this vehicle for several kilometers until you get to a section of the road where you can overtake. Worse still is if it’s a garbage truck, it’s hot and your air-con isn’t working, so you have no option but to roll down the window.

16. Passengers who cannot give meaningful directions: My old lady and my bro are serial offenders when it comes to this (unfortunately, so are most women). Ati “you go down XX road, then you come up, then you go straight then you turn down…” There are only FOUR directions, and these are: straight on, left, right and back. It’d be much better if you know the names of the roads. What’s so hard about that?

17. People who drive on 40kph on any lane other than the first lane: I’m sure you’ve all experienced this, when there are two slow moving vehicles on both lanes of the road. Slow cars move to the left and leave space for those who want to drive faster!

As I said earlier, this list isn’t conclusive so feelanga free to add your own pet peeves to this list.


What I love about driving in Nairobi

1. There is always an alternative route to get to your destination: I tend to be very monotonous with the routes I use while driving. Sometimes I get surprised while in a friend’s car that certain panya routes exist!

2. Bullying other motorists: you really need to get into the lane and the car next to you is a Duet, surely, won’t you give into the temptation to nudge it off the road? Or while overtaking, you can see that there’s a car approaching (a Duet) go ahead and overtake, after all, what will he do? And who doesn’t have fun harassing learners in those ultra slow driving school cars? (No prizes for guessing which model I’m referring to) “WEE!!! CLUTCH!!! KIRAAAAAAAAACH!!!!”

3. Listening to radio: A few months ago, being stuck in traffic was actually enjoyable coz one could tune into Marcus and Chris on The Jam, but sadly Marcus left and was replaced by a new guy. Let’s see how this goes. Being stuck in traffic isn’t so bad while tuned into Chit Chat with Eve D’Souza and Solo/Alan from 7 to 8pm on weekdays. Actually just leave your radio tuned into my favourite station 98.4 Capital FM.

PS: Be kind to Toyota Duet drivers on the roads today. If you own one, be proud coz you worked hard to buy yourself a car. Most Kenyans do not own a car. But please drive like a Nairobian, otherwise the rest of us can’t help but bully you.

Picture of the day

at least I’m getting some!

Does this qualify as getting off the BT?


What’s on my playlist?

To and Fro – Mattafix

It was inevitable, it had to happen at some point. Perhaps I jinxed myself? Perhaps it was about time for replacement? I don’t know. What am I talking about? Well, my beloved penguin and I were forced to part ways two weekends ago. And just as I’d predicted (as I jinxed myself) there was no way I was going to part ways with it or my watch (which went as well) without a lot of blood being shed. And a lot blood was shed indeed.

The poor little thing is probably traumatized in the rough callous hands of some semi-literate thug who has no idea what it’s capable of doing. I’d squeezed out every ounce of functionality that it had to offer, kwanza Nokia should hook me up with an N series for free!!

At this point you might be asking yourself “Er….okay, this jamaa has an unhealthy attachment to his phone!” That would be true. I can’t explain it either. I did have an unhealthy attachment to the penguin. I always had the phone with me everywhere I went. The only time the phone wasn’t next to me was when I was taking a shower. (which means that if ever you tried to call me and I was on mteja, I wasn’t. I was just ignoring you!) I don’t like phone calls anyway, I rarely make them and when I do, it’s a chap chap affair. “Hi, where you at, let’s link up at place ABC at XX hours, cheers”

The folks have been asking “what are you so frustrated about, it’s just a phone! Si you buy another one?” They just don’t understand it and I wouldn’t expect them to. We’ve come from far bana!

After losing the phone, that’s when I came to realize something else. It only occurred to me as I was reading the Sunday Nation which had an article about internet addiction. While reading the article, I noticed that several (if not all) of the symptoms referred directly to me! Considering that I spend virtually every waking hour on the internet, either blogging, using Wikipedia or chatting with friends scattered all over the world. That comes to about 18 to 20 hours per day spent on the internet.

After doing a little more research on the net, I came across a few more articles about internet addiction. Sample these symptoms:

  1. Using online services everyday without any skipping.: Yes, I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t ever online for more than two hours. That must have been last December when I was on a flight to Nairobi.  
  2. Losing track of time after making a connection: Yes, which is why sometimes my alarm clock goes off while I’m chatting online and only then do I realize that I’ve been on the net the entire night.
  3. Going out less and less: well, not really. When I go out, I’m usually logged into the net.
  4. Spending less and less time on meals at home or at work, and eating in front of the monitor: I’ve always had a very healthy appetite so this doesn’t apply. 
  5. Denying spending too much time on the Net: Yes. My friends complain that I spend way too much time on the internet. And of course I deny that.
  6. Others complaining of your spending too much time in front of the monitor: Refer to #5 above.
  7. Checking on your mailbox too many times a day: um…. I’m permanently logged into my Gmail account(s) and I send out and receive tens of emails per day.
  8. Thinking you have the greatest website in the world and dying to give people your URL: Well, I don’t go throwing around my url aimlessly, very few of my friends know about this blog.
  9.  Logging onto the Net while already busy at work: Kwani unaskia na wapi?
  10.  Sneaking online when spouse or family members are not at home, with a sense of relief: Er?! Not applicable.

Upon further reflection, it occurred to me that I have developed very antisocial behaviour over the last couple of years without even knowing it. And over the last 11 days of serious withdrawal symptoms, I’ve been forced to come to terms with this problem. I’ve had to re-discover and redevelop acceptable social behaviour which includes

  1. having normal face to face conversations,
  2. actually picking up the phone and calling a friend just to chat
  3. taking a walk to a friend’s place without calling in advance, just to hang out.
  4. Reading books – I’m actually ashamed to admit that last week I read, for the very first time William Shakespeare’s tragedies Romeo and Juliet, Othello and Hamlet.Further research revealed the following.

“…The other controversial element related to the use of the Internet addiction is that unlike chemical dependency, the Internet offers several direct benefits as a technological advancement in our society and not a device to be criticized as “addictive” More questions abound:

  1. Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet (think about previous on-line activity or anticipate next on-line session)? Yes
  2. Do you feel the need to use the Internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction? Yes
  3. Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use? Er…not really
  4. Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use? I get extremely irritated when Safaricom kicks me off for more than an hour, especially mid chat.
  5. Do you stay on-line longer than originally intended? Yes
  6. Have you jeopardized or risked the loss of significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet? Checking up on football scores post shag… I’m sure this qualifies, no?
  7. Have you lied to family members, therapist, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet? Yes
  8. Do you uses the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)? I guess so.

Patients were considered “addicted” when answering “yes” to five (or more) of the questions…. the cut off score of “five” was consistent with the number of criteria used for Pathological Gambling and was seen as an adequate number of criteria to differentiate normal from pathological addictive Internet use.

(Read the rest of that report HERE, pretty boring stuff though)

So there is such a thing as internet addiction? I guess it’s possible to be addicted to anything in this world. The internet can indeed be a drug like any other coz with each dose, one keeps wanting, no, NEEDING more and more so as to get that same measure of satisfaction.

I need to join “Internetaholics Anonymous” or join a support group of sorts. But who with? Who else spends as much time as I do on the net? I think I know at least one very tall man. Chief, hebu we form a support group!!

Perhaps losing the penguin was a blessing in disguise. Only time will tell (yaani until I get a new phone). For the meantime I’ll have to get used to operating with this Nokia 1110. I’m working with Safaricom insiders as well as the cops to try and trace the penguin, hopefully this will lead to a successful recovery. I’ll keep y’all posted on how that goes. But I’m also eyeing the Nokia N70 as a possible replacement.

Photo of the day

please wash your hands

What’s on my playlist?

Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac

I lost my phone and a few other items over the weekend, and my Driving Licence got misplaced a while ago. Yesterday I decided to report them to the police, which involves getting a police abstract with which I can use to apply for a replacement DL and to locate and recover the phone.

So I went to Central Police Station, which I came to realize is not a very organized joint. (is any Government office in Kenya ever organized?) You really have to walk up and down to get things done. If you enquire at the main desk as to where you can get an abstract, they tell you to “zunguka kipande hiyo nyuma ya kiosk” where you find a photocopier, pay 3 bob and you get your abstract. After that you’ll be told to fika number 10. I asked the mathe where number 10 is, she pointed (with her mouth) “hapo juu!” where hapo juu is where now?

After asking again at the main desk, I was directed to room 10 (upstairs – si the mathe could have simply said go to the main desk, up the stairs to room 10?) where the abstract was filled in, then I was directed to room 12, where I was to get help with the phone. The cops filled in the phone make and IMEI number on the abstract, then they told me to take it to Safaricom and ask them to supply the details of whichever phone number is currently being used on the stolen handset along with the approximate location of the user and three of the user’s frequently dialled numbers, then bring back that information to the cops and they’d pursue the matter from there.

Armed with this abstract, I first went to Times Tower to apply for a replacement DL. I enquired from the guard at the entrance which counter to go to (which was a good thing since there was no one at the information desk) and he directed me to counter 36. Kuingia ndani, there was no counter 36!! There’s only up to counter 32, which luckily was indicated “Duplicate DL”, but it had a very long queue. After queuing for what seemed like a lifetime, I finally got to the counter (armed with the necessary documents: photocopy of ID, 2 passport photos, abstract and photocopy of the DL) only to be asked “iko wapi receipt ya abstract?”

Receipt? What receipt? Sikupewa receipt!!

“Rudi police Station ukaulizie receipt, alafu urudi, ukitoka uchukue application form hapo kwa enquiries, uijaze, urudi kesho alafu ulipe Ksh 875 kwa counter XX, ufike counter XX ukaulizie serial number ya DL, alafu urudi hapa”

Do you have any idea how long it takes to get to the front of any ONE of those queues?

Seeing that I wasn’t going to get anything done in a hurry at Times Tower, I went to the Safaricom customer care centre on I&M Bank House. The process there is chap chap since I was only on the queue for about 3 minutes. When I got to speak to the customer care representative, she told me that that the only way she can be of assistance was to have the phone blocked from their network (and all other networks in East Africa) but after that they would not be able to track the phone since it wouldn’t be in use.

So how are you being of assistance to me if you block the phone and not recover it? I need help in RECOVERING it, not blocking it!! Alaa? Imagine that you’ve been carjacked, then the cops liaise with the dealers and they tell you “We’ve disabled the central computer, meaning that wherever the car is, it cannot be used by anyone” The idea is to GET BACK the car, not just to prevent anyone else from using it!!! Does this only make sense to me or does anyone feel me on this?

I asked her to give me a print-out of the information that the police had asked me to get from them, but they said that they cannot give such classified information to customers, and that would require a letter from the CID.

WTF?? CID tena?

So she said that I should go back to Central, get a letter and take it to CID (which is on Kiambu road mind you. Are you mad??) and from there the CID will hopefully find time in their busy schedules to liaise with Safaricom to track the phone using GPRS and apprehend the thief and recover the phone.

Surely, must it be this difficult to get such simple things done? Why isn’t any of this information readily available e.g. on the internet? I checked the KRA website but they don’t have any information whatsoever on what procedures are meant to be followed in getting a replacement DL. I also checked on the Safaricom website, it has information on what papers you’re required to go with so as to get your stolen phone blocked from the network, but no information as to what needs to be done if one wants their help in recovering a stolen phone.

What’s so hard about doing that? Having such information readily available would simplify a very long process in addition to saving valuable time.

For example, the KRA website could have information as to how to apply for a replacement DL as follows:

1. Report loss of Driving Licence to nearest police station and obtain police abstract form. Do not forget to ask for a receipt.

2. Get 2 photocopies of your National ID card, 2 photocopies of your Driving License and 2 recent passport size photos

3. Armed with the above documents, come to KRA headquarters at ground floor, Times Tower, and fill in an application form which is available at the Enquiries Desk

4. Pay the necessary fees indicated on the application form at the relevant counter, and attach the receipt to the above documents.

5. Present your mass and the relevant documents to counter 32.

6. Exit the premises and pray that we will remember to process your application.

I’m almost tempted to say “This is Kenya, so what do you expect” but I’m always hopeful that someday things will be far more organized than they are today, which is not entirely impossible.

I look forward to a very, very, very long Friday.

Random thought:

So PNU is complaining that it receives less media coverage than the other political parties. Interesting, coz recent research shows otherwise. And after the government’s numerous attempts to stifle press freedom through the infamous raid on the Standard two years ago, to the recent infamous media bill that had members of the fourth estate (speaking of which, what are the first three?) protesting in the streets, in addition to running a completely uninspiring campaign programme….er….like WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU EXPECT??

I’m not saying that it’s fair (if at all it’s happening) but if it is, whose fault is that?

Then, who in heaven’s name thought up the PNU campaign slogan? If combined with Kibaki’s other er….Kibaki-isms, the result would only be comical.

PANUA pare pare!!! Ndio kazi iendelee!

Photo of the day


What’s on my playlist?

Young Bloodz – Damn


Didier Drogba

Mara you want to spend the rest of your career at Chelsea, mara you want to leave, then you want to stay again, next you’re disgusted that you made the move to Chelsea in the first place…. WTF???!!!!

This dude has been earning over 100,000 pounds PER WEEK for the last three and a half years. After how long did it take for him to realize that he had “made a mistake” by joining the club? I think it’s rather hypocritical.

Me thinks Drogba is missing his lover Jose Mourinho. Word has it that Jose used to gel Drogba’s hair before matches, coz that bond of theirs was quite suspect. How comes they were always embracing on the training grounds?

One thing that I’ve learnt after Jose Mourinho’s departure is that no one person is above the team. It doesn’t matter how good you are, but you can always be replaced by someone who can do the job just as well as you can. Such sentiments from Drogba will no nothing but destabilize the rest of the team.

If you don’t want to play for Chelsea, TOKA NA UENDE!!! Alaa?

(Sorry Farmgal, 3N, but someone had to tell it as it is!)


In other news making headlines…

Fernando Alonso has left McLaren Mercedes by mutual consent.




Fernando Alonso

Fooresh…………pia wewe TOKA NA UENDE!!!!!

What’s on my playlist?

Kiasi – Jua Cali