Marion Jones wind 100m

The athletics world was stunned last week when American track phenomenon Marion Jones admitted to having taken performance enhancing drugs/steroids before, during and after the 2000 Sydney Olympics where she won 3 gold and 2 bronze medals. As a result, Jones has been banned for 2 years (she had already announced her retirement anyway so big deal), she has had to forfeit all 5 of her Olympic medals as well as the 3 more that she won at the 2001 World Championships in Edmonton, Canada. She also faces a possible six month jail term, as well as lawsuits to recover the millions of dollars in prize money and attendance fees that she received during the period.

To make matters worse for Marion, she currently has only $2000 to her name.

I must admit that I was stunned by these recent revelations, since I’m a long time admirer of Marion Jones. I’ve always considered her to be one of the greatest female sprinters of all time. (Plus of course that charming smile) but she’s turned out to be one of the greatest frauds in sporting history.

Effects of Nandrolone

Red Bull Nandrolone gives you wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings!!!

It’s no secret that doping is quite rife in athletics. Ben Johnson who was banned from athletics for life in 1993 (after previously serving a two year ban after the 1988 Seoul Olympics) and had his 1988 100m world record of 9.79 seconds disqualified, said in his defence that doping is indeed necessary and quite widespread since the athletes have to put themselves on an equal footing with those already using performance enhancing drugs. It doesn’t justify doping, but to some extent it does makes some sense, coz as an athlete, how are you expected to compete effectively with the other athletes when most of them are on steroids?

Several other prominent athletes have tested positive for steroids, including the great Carl Lewis, Linford Christie, Tim Montgomery (Marion Jones’s ex and baby daddy), Justin Gatlin (currently serving an 8 year ban) Zhanna Pintusevich-Block and Kelli White. I’m also convinced that the legendary Florence Griffith-Joyner (a.k.a Flo-Jo) must definitely have been on steroids (did you see the muscle on that woman? That was abnormal!!) plus I found this article about her premature death.


Flo-Jo

Sometimes it’s not really the athletes’ fault that banned substances find their way into their bodies. Sometimes they may be ingredients used in making ordinary over the counter medication (as was the case with Carl Lewis and Linford Christie) and sometimes their trainers give it to them without their knowledge or consent, disguised in massage creams and nutritional supplements.

But I can’t help but blame the athletes themselves when they align themselves with trainers who are known to be notorious dopers and have previously been investigated, suspended, charged in court, fined and imprisoned. One would have to be a complete idiot to have such a person as his/her trainer, don’t you think?

Despite protesting his innocence for years, Ben Johnson also made some stupid decisions in his life. He was once Diego Maradona’s coach (well, Maradona was on coke, not Nandrolone) Johnson coached Gaddaffi’s son who was eager to play football in Italy but only played ONE match after which he was sacked for tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. (It’s not hard to see Johnson’s link in that whole scenario) Then, the TV ads for Ben Johnson’s energy drink “Cheetah Power Surge” as part of the advertising gimmicks, someone asks Johnson

“Ben, when you run, do you Cheetah?”

His reply: “Absolutely! I Cheetah all the time!”

Quite foolish I must say.

The IAAF, IOC and other national and regional athletics bodies definitely need to get more aggressive on dopers because this is killing the sport! In my opinion, athletes whose A and B samples test positive for any banned substances SHOULD:

a) immediately be banned from athletics FOR LIFE,

b) forfeit ALL their trophies and prize money/attendance fees for the period during which they were in breach of the regulations

c) be fined HEAVILLY on top of that

I used to be quite an athlete in my younger years, I have an impressive collection of certificates, medals and trophies accumulated during primary school sports days, and I was in the athletics team in high school. But my athletics career was ended prematurely by a very stupid athletics coach and what I suspect to be a racist sports policy in university in South Africa. When I went to enquire about joining the athletics team, she asked me what my fastest time for 100m was and I told her 11.8 seconds. Considering that the time was set under shifty conditions (running barefoot on a grass track which was rumoured to be 100m, the guy with the clapper was at the starting line and the fellow with the timer was at the far end, so it’s very possible that that 11.8s could have been lower) Her response?

“I only deal with athletes who do 100m in less than 11 seconds. I don’t care what you do, but you should only come back to see me when you’ve made less than 11 seconds. Now, get out of my office! ”

How the bloody hell was I supposed to do that? Do I look like my daddy’s Donovan Bailey? I mean, wasn’t it her job to take me as I am and train me into the best athlete that I can be? Stupid bitch!

That, coupled with the fact that every successful sprinter that I admire(d) somehow turns out to be on steroids, totally killed my interest in the sport. Right now all I know is that Asafa Powell holds the 100m record.

I don’t know what the record is, I don’t know who holds the 200m record either. And I couldn’t really care less coz there’s no way in hell that if an exceptional athlete can make 9.79 seconds or less while on steroids, that another athlete, however gifted, can beat any of these records legitimately!

Formula 1

It’s such a pity that Lewis Hamilton retired from the Shanghai Grand Prix last weekend just when he was on the verge of sealing the F1 title. I discussed the incident leading to his retirement with a pal who says that McLaren Mercedes deliberately left him on the track for too long when it was evident that he was in need of new tyres.

He also reckons that Hamilton might have been deliberately sabotaged by the team so as to somehow make it up to Fernando Alonso and to give him a (equal?) chance of winning the F1 title at the final race in Interlagos, Brazil on 21st October. Quite far fetched, but possible. Banks, Kirima, mnaonaje? (And what happened to Adrian? Your expertise on F1 matters is needed here!)

Football

It has been interesting watching everyone “predict” that Chelsea FC would collapse into oblivion following the departure of our beloved manager Jose Mourinho.

(Sidebar: the week he quit I was obviously in denial and depressed, and very, very pissed off. My ex asked me why I was so upset about it coz we can always get another manager. I told her that the Holy Hierarchy is as follows: God, then Jesus, then Jose Mourinho. She almost slapped me for that. What was my point? Yes, our beloved sisters, sometimes we just need for you to listen and to offer a comforting shoulder. Coz anything you say might, no…. will DEFINITELY make the situation worse!)

It was more frustrating reading the “informed opinions” of those idiotic football columnists in the Sunday Standard. Sijui “Man Utd Team Doctor, Siaya” and just this past weekend “Arsene Wenger’s Voicemail machine” If you’re going to criticize a team, it’s only wise to actually watch their matches first before payukaring ovyo ovyo and calling yourself a football pundit. Like this one time that one self proclaimed pundit gave me a well informed opinion that Michael Essien is the backbone of the team and without him Chelsea is as good as dead. I asked him if he’s ever watched a Chelsea match and he replied in the negative. I should have slapped him.

Another fokojembe, Pulse’s Tony Ngare, deserves an arrow through his left testicle. It’s impossible for an openly biased journalist to write a balanced sports column. This fellow should start a local edition of the Arsenal magazine and write all his bullshit there, and spare us the agony of reading his articles.

Anyway, I’m sorry to disappoint the haters but we’re only going through a polite dip which we appear to be recovering from. Said haters failed to realize that the dip in form was caused by the absence of our key players Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard and John Terry. With them back from injury, Joe Cole and SWP are in form, Florent Malouda is outstanding, and latest reports have it that we’ve secured the services of Ajax head coach Henk Ten Cate, I still insist that’s it’s nothing short of foolish for anyone to write off Chelsea FC just yet.

FOKOJEMBES OF THE WEEK

1. Marion Jones

It goes without saying, doesn’t it?

2. PaNUa affiliated MPs

Over the previous weekend, MPs Kiraitu Murungi, Daudi Mwiraria and Chris Murungaru took their Porojo na Ufisadi campaign to Central Kenya where they appealed to voters to turn out in large numbers to vote for their candidate, otherwise they may as well kiss the presidency goodbye.

Fooresh!!! Who told you that the presidency only belongs to Central Kenya?

If President Kibaki’s re-election campaign team consists of such pea brained tribal chiefs, including Simeon Nyachae, the highly ineffective Chirau Ali Mwakwere and Mr Moneybags Stanley Livondo, then all I can say is that PaNUa is doomed! I really don’t see how they can salvage themselves from the low opinion polls before December.

Kwanza how does a whole Cabinet minister (Mwakwere) ask a TV show viewer LIVE on air

“kwani nilienda Koinange Street na mama yako?

Have some decorum tafadhali!! Your hobbies need not be exposed to the general public!

What’s on my Playlist?

Time is now – Moloko