October 2007


About a week and a half ago, my class was merged with another one due to a high number of dropouts in both. On the first day of the merger, I got to class kedo 10 minutes late, only to find some chile in my seat. Not a big deal, but I love that seat. It’s strategically positioned somewhere at the centre of the class. It’s very convenient for many reasons. Firstly, lecturers mostly ask questions to those in the front row (the nerds) and to those in the back row (the dunders). Those in the middle (the rest of us) are usually lucky not to be noticed. Second, in the event of a class exercise which begins at the front row, I have adequate time to estimate which question I’m due to answer so I can prepare for it. But the most important reason is so as to get a perfect view of the lecturer’s posterior which I must say, is quite a work of art.

I’m rarely ever punctual, that’s a fact. I have a problem keeping time, I can barely remember any event that I’m ever on time for. I guess the only event I’ll be punctual for is my funeral, but by then my official title will be “The Late”. On a good day I get to class about 5 minutes late. On a normal day, that goes up to about 25 minutes.

Anyway, there was some miscellaneous chile (hereinafter referred to MC) in my seat, meaning I had to sit at the back. During the course of the lecture, I had to answer kibao questions which I didn’t have time to prepare for and it’s not like I have a very firm grasp of what’s going on anyway.

 

 

Day 2

I jikakamuad so as to be in class in good time (read 5 minutes late) and the same chile was ensconced in my seat. Again. Good thing the lecturer hadn’t arrived yet. So I walked up to her and kindly asked her to find another seat coz that one was mine. The chic refused to chuck, giving me that nonsense of “I don’t see your name on the seat” and she asked why I couldn’t find another seat. I asked her why SHE couldn’t find another seat coz I’d sat there for the last couple of months. There was already an established way of doing things before she came along. It’s only logical that she fits herself into the current arrangement, no? My deskmates told her the same, so reluctantly, she moved elsewhere.

 

 

 

Day 3

Thinking I’d got that matter sorted, I got to class at +25 minutes MST (Mishale Standard Time) to make matters worse I’d had a rough morning in traffic, and that silly mama was in my seat again! Kwani she has a brain tumour ama what’s her bloody problem? This time I was less than polite.

“WEWE!! TOKA HAPO!”

Unfortunately that came out a bit louder than I’d anticipated, and the commotion caught the lecturer’s attention.

TA: “Hmm….I sense some tension. Archer why are you harassing the lady?”

Me: “Er…. Coz she’s always in my seat!”

TA: “Which you’re rarely ever in anyway. Go sit at the back! But first, come here and work out number 12 on the board!”

Sh*t. I hadn’t even finished the bloody assignment.

 

 

Day 4 (+0 minutes MST – I TRIED!!!!)

This time I got to class right at the stroke of the hour. Looked for my seat and for once it was empty! I rushed there quickly and planted my bum there before MC emerged from nowhere. Eventually she arrived and decided to sit next to me, thus taking up someone else’s space. So the lecturer gave us some classwork to do, and she left.

Kwanza this skiver, she goes to the cafeteria to have coffee and croissants after giving us jobo. Silly woman.

I had my MP3 player plugged in as I was doing the exercises, minding my own business. Ok for real, I was actually logged into chat on the penguin, soliciting for answers to the exercise from a blogger pal, (who by the way is reading this. My dear, sio ati now you start nyimaing me leakage!!)

Then MC decided to start conversation.

MC: “Hi, I’m MC”

Me: Good to know

MC: What’s your name?

Me: Archer

MC: Ooooh! So that’s your name at the back of your t-shirt, eh?

Me: Evidently

MC: I also like football!

Me: *disinterested* rrrrrreeeally!

MC: Yeah!! Kwanza I penda Fabregas, I think he’s so cute! No wonder Liverpool play so well, they’re going to win the cup!

Me: *thinking* Not only are you daft, you’ve got bad breath as well.

And with that, I plugged my earphones back and concentrated on securing leakage for my assignment.

 

Day 5: (+ 15 minutes MST)

When I sauntered into class, not only was my seat empty, (surprisingly) but MC was in the next seat, smiling at me and patting my seat gently in a “come hither and sit next to me” motion. Reluctantly I took my place. Now why does this mama have a big smile on her face? Kwani now she thinks she’s Lilian Muli? Predictably, the lecturer came in, gave us some jobo and went off to the cafeteria to have breakfast. And again MC starts conversation. She unleashed a thao stories about heaven knows what, and needless to say, I was bored stiff. In my attempt to concentrate on the work at hand is when I noticed them.

Those have got to be some of the ugliest feet I had ever seen in my life! They were so bad (almost THIS bad!) that I had to share the experience with the friend I was chatting with online.

Call me shallow, vain, superficial, but everyone has his/her put offs about the opposite sex. For me, that’s ugly fingers and toes. I don’t care how hot a mama may be, but I make no exceptions when it comes to that. If her tu vidolez look more like she was filing her nails on the pavement, and her toes are wrapped around the sides of her sandals, sahau! That’s a definite no no. I’d take an average mama with pretty fingers and toes any day. My foot is the benchmark, if your foot doesn’t match up, sorry luv, keep walking along.

In the course of the monologue conversation, I couldn’t even look her in the face coz all I saw was her feet in place of her face.

 

 

Day 6: (+ 10 minutes MST)

Same scenario. Empty seat, boring Ms Halitosis with the ugly toes on next seat, patting it while unleashing a kilowatt smile. Kwani now she thinks I’m her pet ama what’s the deal-io? Reluctantly I sat. This time the lecturer was late to class. Once again this mama started conversation. I did my best to avoid eye contact (ok lemme stop hating on her, she’s actually kidogo pretty. If she could get rid of that weave, I’m sure someone would give her a second look)

MC: “So, do you have a girlfriend?

Me: “Perhaps”

MC: “You either have one or you don’t”

Me: “Sorry, I’m spoken for”

MC: “Ok, so where is she?”

Me: “Somewhere”

MC: “I see you don’t like talking about her. It’s ok, most men have commitment issues.”

 

WTF?!

MC: “I hear some of you guys get together for coffee after class. Can I join you today?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. But I won’t be there coz I’ve got errands to run. You enjoy yourself though”

MC: “It’s Friday, what are you doing after 5?”

Me: “Abusing alcohol”

MC: “Where? Si we can link up and have a drink?”

Me: “Er, I’m going for a family thing”

Get the hint woman!!!!

Day 7: (+ 10 minutes MST)

Coming into class has become a depressing thought these days, considering the fact that I have to fight with fellow Nairobians in traffic before I get to tao so I’m usually not in the best of moods. Then this woman here has started displaying some potential psycho tendencies. The way she’s salivating over there, she looks like she just might devour me whole, and spit out the bones. I think it’s much safer for me to sit my ass at the back. Na wewe ubaki hapo hapo.


Photo of the day

(Courtesy of Movie Buff)


Miraa chewing prohibited

 

 

What’s on my Playlist?

Nameless – Why Lie

The 2007 Formula 1 season comes to a close on Sunday with the Brazilian Grand Prix at Interlagos. And what a close battle this has turned out to be. There’s McLaren Mercedes’ blue eyed boy wonder Lewis Hamilton who seeks to be the first driver in history to be crowned world champion in his first season, as well as being the youngest driver to win the world title. Then there’s the black sheep of McLaren, Fernando Alonso. Alonso is the defending champion, plus he won the title the previous year. And then there’s Ferrari’s Kimi “I wish I had less vodka last night” Raikkonen alias “The Iceman”

The title can go in any of three directions since the points as they stand currently are:

1.      Lewis Hamilton      107 points

2.      Fernando Alonso     103 points

3.      Kimi Raikkonen       100 points

If you want to know just how close the battle is, refer to this article on BBC Sports.


I’m a McLaren fan through and through. But you’d be surprised to know that my favourite driver is actually Kimi Raikkonen and not one of our current drivers.

Kimi hits the bottle

Talk of hitting the bottle hard!


It’s unfortunate that his immense talent wasn’t fully utilized at McLaren since they’ve always battled with reliability issues, only to solve them after he’s already departed. However much I’d have loved to see Kimi be crowned world champion, not in the first year after he left McLaren for our rivals Ferrari.

I’ve said before that Fernando Alonso, as the defending world champion, is under the most pressure to defend his title. He has more to lose than Hamilton and Raikkonen.

 

Fernando Alonso

But after being implicated in the scandal that almost got McLaren kicked out of the championship this year, and considering the fact that he may be employed elsewhere next year, I’m not rooting for him. There’s no way he can ponyoka with the trophy and return to Renault while McLaren get nothing!!!!!

Which leaves Lewis Hamilton.

 

Lewis Haamilton

What can I say about Hamilton that hasn’t been said already? Almost completely unknown and totally under-rated at the beginning of the season, he has done everything right! Four wins, five runners-ups, Lewis embodies the future of Formula 1. There was always talk of who would replace Michael Schumacher as the biggest name in Formula 1, Lewis is well on his way there.

And I hope to see more of this on Sunday (with a big ass trophy at his feet)I’m praying for  the podium to look like this:  

  1. Lewis Hamilton
  2. Kimi Raikkonen
  3. Fernando Alonso

Hamilton celebrates

All in all, what a fantastic season this has been. Excellent drivers and fierce competition since no one driver dominated the entire season just like Schumi used to do. This is what Formula 1 should be, it shouldn’t be predictable from after the third race of the season.


Sideshow:

Mr and Mrs Iceman

How does one of the most boring and lifeless individuals in the world end up with such a gorgeous woman? (Have you ever heard Kimi during the post match press conferences? Dude can send you to sleep at the very first sentence!! Piriton has nothing on him!!!!) Must be the money, eh?

 

A.O.B: four posts in one week? Jeez!

(Pictures courtesy of Yahoo Sport/Eurosport)

 

What’s on my Playlist?

Long way to go – Cassie

 

It’s a well known fact that guys love us some porn. Most guys that is, the rest prefer to deny that they do. A lot can be said about porn and how it’s degrading to women over and above objectifying them as mere toys. I’ll save my true thoughts about that coz I might get lynched for speaking my mind.

But how much porn may a dude have? A couple of magazines? A couple of DVDs/videos? A couple of Gigs on the hard drive? Granted that porn can be very addictive, there has to be a “legal amount” of porn that one guy can possess. A reasonable amount. Unlike a pal of mine in SA had 160 GB of porn contained in a whole hard drive! Seriously, there has to be a clear distinction between normalcy and perversion. But this post isn’t about that.

Guys, what would you do if your significant other discovered your “stash” of porn? If she asked you about it, what would you say? Would you be comfy watching it with her? Is there anything to be embarrassed about your “stash?”

Allow me to share with you (not a porn clip, Xs and Kip get your minds out of the gutter!!) an excerpt of an episode of Coupling (isn’t this the best comedy ever?). So, Steve accidentally leaves a porn video titled “Lesbian Spank Inferno” in his VCR, only for it to be discovered by his girlfriend Susan. In Susan’s true fashion, she chided him about it and almost made a fool of him during a dinner with the rest of the gang. But like a mouse that’s been pushed to a corner, Steve came out with guns blazing, and this is what he had to say in his defence.

(Question: how could you possibly enjoy a film like that?)

“Because it’s got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I’m a bloke, I’m supposed to like them, we’re born like that. We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one, halfway out the birth canal we’re already enjoying the view! Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like naked women, stockings, lesbians and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because, that is what being a boy is, and if you don’t like it darling, join the film collective.

I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there, but that does not stop me (from) wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that’s what being a bloke is. When man invented fire, he didn’t say “hey, let’s cook!”, he said “Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!” As soon as (someone) invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of wahey! Naked bottoms! We’ve turned the internet into an enormous international database of…naked bottoms. So you see the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble as it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look…at your bottoms! Thank you!”

Poor Steve.

Back to the question guys, what would be your defence if your significant other came across your “stash” masquerading as “World Cup final 1998, 2002 and 2006” and questioned you about it?

Ladies, if you came across your jamaa’s stash, whether it’s just a mag or two, a DVD/tape or a whole arsenal of porn, what would you say/do? Would you watch it with him? Would you be ok with it?

 

In other news making headlines….

Last weekend I got my hands on a copy of last October’s True Love magazine. Not that I read True Love, but this was the edition that had the 24 sexiest Kenyans and I just had to read it. One of the 24 sexiest Kenyans is my new TV crush. I won’t name names since Google isn’t a very good friend of mine and this stuff always comes back to kick me in the arse (just google the name of my ex TV crush and you’ll see what I mean) But if you’ve been watching KTN prime time news over the last couple of weeks, particularly the business news, then you’ll know who I’m referring to. Those eyes, that smile, nywele inaonekana sio weave kama ya Lilian Muli, those legs, and oh…that voice……. EYE CANDY!!! While people have been debating over who’s hotter between Lilian Muli (with that fake twang sijui from where) and Peninah Karibe (still a shagzmodo according to me) here comes E.A and shoves them both into last week!

Something still bothers me though. Stackofstiffyz (where are you man?) did a post about the article last year where he described E.A. as:

“DJ CK’s newest teen &^%$#, and she sounds good and sexy on radio alright, but she looks a whole lot different, like something out of a kids array of toys. In shaggz.”

Dude, kwani where did you see her looking like rag dolly Anna? Might you care to eat your words now? I’m sure you must be biting yourself!!

What’s on my Playlist?

Pretty Young Thing – Michael Jackson

You know you’re more than just a regular at the local when:

a) you know the owner, barman, manager, waitresses, pool table attendants and watchies by name

b) and they all call you “Mkubwa, Chief, Munene” etc

c) the barman has your favourite cold beer on the counter while you’re still approaching from 5 metres away

d) you have your own specific beer glass.

e) you know all the regular patrons by name and occupation, by cars and perhaps even by number plates

f) you have your own parking space reserved for you, as do the other regulars

g) the manager (alias Damaging Director) calls you every Friday afternoon to inform you that stocks of fresh muturas have arrived, and asks if they should put a fat one on the jiko for you, so that you find it ready when you arrive.

h) You can run a tab whenever and there’s no biggie

i) You can spot a stranger from a mile away

 

But you know you need to find a new local when:

a) the waitresses get too cosy with you, flirting openly even in the presence of a lady pal you might be trying to (s)lay*

b) you’ve either been involved in, or stopped, one too many fights

c) you need to replace your shock absorbers coz of giving everyone a ride home afterwards

d) you’ve screwed/had a thing with all the females at the local*

e) the staff owe you more money than your grossly inflated tab

f) you eat most of your meals at the local*

g) you know the order of all the songs on the playlist by heart, including the lyrics to Dolly Parton’s immensely irritating “Jolene”


I think I need to find a new local.

(*Some of the above scenarios do not necessarily refer to yours truly)


Photo of the day

Is this the origin of the Haka?

The haka

Unakamata kodoo wako namna hiii……

I know they love sheep down in New Zealand but this is too much. Feel free to throw in your own Captions.

 

What’s on my playlist?

Back that ass up – Juvenile (Pun fully intended)

Marion Jones wind 100m

The athletics world was stunned last week when American track phenomenon Marion Jones admitted to having taken performance enhancing drugs/steroids before, during and after the 2000 Sydney Olympics where she won 3 gold and 2 bronze medals. As a result, Jones has been banned for 2 years (she had already announced her retirement anyway so big deal), she has had to forfeit all 5 of her Olympic medals as well as the 3 more that she won at the 2001 World Championships in Edmonton, Canada. She also faces a possible six month jail term, as well as lawsuits to recover the millions of dollars in prize money and attendance fees that she received during the period.

To make matters worse for Marion, she currently has only $2000 to her name.

I must admit that I was stunned by these recent revelations, since I’m a long time admirer of Marion Jones. I’ve always considered her to be one of the greatest female sprinters of all time. (Plus of course that charming smile) but she’s turned out to be one of the greatest frauds in sporting history.

Effects of Nandrolone

Red Bull Nandrolone gives you wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings!!!

It’s no secret that doping is quite rife in athletics. Ben Johnson who was banned from athletics for life in 1993 (after previously serving a two year ban after the 1988 Seoul Olympics) and had his 1988 100m world record of 9.79 seconds disqualified, said in his defence that doping is indeed necessary and quite widespread since the athletes have to put themselves on an equal footing with those already using performance enhancing drugs. It doesn’t justify doping, but to some extent it does makes some sense, coz as an athlete, how are you expected to compete effectively with the other athletes when most of them are on steroids?

Several other prominent athletes have tested positive for steroids, including the great Carl Lewis, Linford Christie, Tim Montgomery (Marion Jones’s ex and baby daddy), Justin Gatlin (currently serving an 8 year ban) Zhanna Pintusevich-Block and Kelli White. I’m also convinced that the legendary Florence Griffith-Joyner (a.k.a Flo-Jo) must definitely have been on steroids (did you see the muscle on that woman? That was abnormal!!) plus I found this article about her premature death.


Flo-Jo

Sometimes it’s not really the athletes’ fault that banned substances find their way into their bodies. Sometimes they may be ingredients used in making ordinary over the counter medication (as was the case with Carl Lewis and Linford Christie) and sometimes their trainers give it to them without their knowledge or consent, disguised in massage creams and nutritional supplements.

But I can’t help but blame the athletes themselves when they align themselves with trainers who are known to be notorious dopers and have previously been investigated, suspended, charged in court, fined and imprisoned. One would have to be a complete idiot to have such a person as his/her trainer, don’t you think?

Despite protesting his innocence for years, Ben Johnson also made some stupid decisions in his life. He was once Diego Maradona’s coach (well, Maradona was on coke, not Nandrolone) Johnson coached Gaddaffi’s son who was eager to play football in Italy but only played ONE match after which he was sacked for tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. (It’s not hard to see Johnson’s link in that whole scenario) Then, the TV ads for Ben Johnson’s energy drink “Cheetah Power Surge” as part of the advertising gimmicks, someone asks Johnson

“Ben, when you run, do you Cheetah?”

His reply: “Absolutely! I Cheetah all the time!”

Quite foolish I must say.

The IAAF, IOC and other national and regional athletics bodies definitely need to get more aggressive on dopers because this is killing the sport! In my opinion, athletes whose A and B samples test positive for any banned substances SHOULD:

a) immediately be banned from athletics FOR LIFE,

b) forfeit ALL their trophies and prize money/attendance fees for the period during which they were in breach of the regulations

c) be fined HEAVILLY on top of that

I used to be quite an athlete in my younger years, I have an impressive collection of certificates, medals and trophies accumulated during primary school sports days, and I was in the athletics team in high school. But my athletics career was ended prematurely by a very stupid athletics coach and what I suspect to be a racist sports policy in university in South Africa. When I went to enquire about joining the athletics team, she asked me what my fastest time for 100m was and I told her 11.8 seconds. Considering that the time was set under shifty conditions (running barefoot on a grass track which was rumoured to be 100m, the guy with the clapper was at the starting line and the fellow with the timer was at the far end, so it’s very possible that that 11.8s could have been lower) Her response?

“I only deal with athletes who do 100m in less than 11 seconds. I don’t care what you do, but you should only come back to see me when you’ve made less than 11 seconds. Now, get out of my office! ”

How the bloody hell was I supposed to do that? Do I look like my daddy’s Donovan Bailey? I mean, wasn’t it her job to take me as I am and train me into the best athlete that I can be? Stupid bitch!

That, coupled with the fact that every successful sprinter that I admire(d) somehow turns out to be on steroids, totally killed my interest in the sport. Right now all I know is that Asafa Powell holds the 100m record.

I don’t know what the record is, I don’t know who holds the 200m record either. And I couldn’t really care less coz there’s no way in hell that if an exceptional athlete can make 9.79 seconds or less while on steroids, that another athlete, however gifted, can beat any of these records legitimately!

Formula 1

It’s such a pity that Lewis Hamilton retired from the Shanghai Grand Prix last weekend just when he was on the verge of sealing the F1 title. I discussed the incident leading to his retirement with a pal who says that McLaren Mercedes deliberately left him on the track for too long when it was evident that he was in need of new tyres.

He also reckons that Hamilton might have been deliberately sabotaged by the team so as to somehow make it up to Fernando Alonso and to give him a (equal?) chance of winning the F1 title at the final race in Interlagos, Brazil on 21st October. Quite far fetched, but possible. Banks, Kirima, mnaonaje? (And what happened to Adrian? Your expertise on F1 matters is needed here!)

Football

It has been interesting watching everyone “predict” that Chelsea FC would collapse into oblivion following the departure of our beloved manager Jose Mourinho.

(Sidebar: the week he quit I was obviously in denial and depressed, and very, very pissed off. My ex asked me why I was so upset about it coz we can always get another manager. I told her that the Holy Hierarchy is as follows: God, then Jesus, then Jose Mourinho. She almost slapped me for that. What was my point? Yes, our beloved sisters, sometimes we just need for you to listen and to offer a comforting shoulder. Coz anything you say might, no…. will DEFINITELY make the situation worse!)

It was more frustrating reading the “informed opinions” of those idiotic football columnists in the Sunday Standard. Sijui “Man Utd Team Doctor, Siaya” and just this past weekend “Arsene Wenger’s Voicemail machine” If you’re going to criticize a team, it’s only wise to actually watch their matches first before payukaring ovyo ovyo and calling yourself a football pundit. Like this one time that one self proclaimed pundit gave me a well informed opinion that Michael Essien is the backbone of the team and without him Chelsea is as good as dead. I asked him if he’s ever watched a Chelsea match and he replied in the negative. I should have slapped him.

Another fokojembe, Pulse’s Tony Ngare, deserves an arrow through his left testicle. It’s impossible for an openly biased journalist to write a balanced sports column. This fellow should start a local edition of the Arsenal magazine and write all his bullshit there, and spare us the agony of reading his articles.

Anyway, I’m sorry to disappoint the haters but we’re only going through a polite dip which we appear to be recovering from. Said haters failed to realize that the dip in form was caused by the absence of our key players Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard and John Terry. With them back from injury, Joe Cole and SWP are in form, Florent Malouda is outstanding, and latest reports have it that we’ve secured the services of Ajax head coach Henk Ten Cate, I still insist that’s it’s nothing short of foolish for anyone to write off Chelsea FC just yet.

FOKOJEMBES OF THE WEEK

1. Marion Jones

It goes without saying, doesn’t it?

2. PaNUa affiliated MPs

Over the previous weekend, MPs Kiraitu Murungi, Daudi Mwiraria and Chris Murungaru took their Porojo na Ufisadi campaign to Central Kenya where they appealed to voters to turn out in large numbers to vote for their candidate, otherwise they may as well kiss the presidency goodbye.

Fooresh!!! Who told you that the presidency only belongs to Central Kenya?

If President Kibaki’s re-election campaign team consists of such pea brained tribal chiefs, including Simeon Nyachae, the highly ineffective Chirau Ali Mwakwere and Mr Moneybags Stanley Livondo, then all I can say is that PaNUa is doomed! I really don’t see how they can salvage themselves from the low opinion polls before December.

Kwanza how does a whole Cabinet minister (Mwakwere) ask a TV show viewer LIVE on air

“kwani nilienda Koinange Street na mama yako?

Have some decorum tafadhali!! Your hobbies need not be exposed to the general public!

What’s on my Playlist?

Time is now – Moloko

If there’s one thing that really frustrates me is trying to find shoes in my size. I wear size 12.5/13 and finding shoes in any shoe shop is one hell of a task. In fact, I’d count myself lucky to even get just ONE pair of shoes per year. That’s how bad the situation is.

(Please bench those big foot jokes of “go to Bata Limuru and put in a special order” or to buy akalas – those jokes have ceased to be funny)

Size 12 shoes are there in many shops, just that they ALWAYS happen to be in designs other than those that I’m interested in. It’s like there’s a conspiracy of sorts going on.

In 2004 I bought one pair of Land Rover open shoes and a pair of Caterpillars, in 2005 I was lucky to get a pair of Skechers, didn’t have that much luck last year so I got no shoes, and this year I bought a pair of Jordans. So, knowing how hard it is for me to find shoes, I treasure the ones that I already have, and I look after them quite well. Unfortunately, due to incidents beyond my control, only one of the above pairs of shoes exists currently.

I’ve been shoe-hunting all over Nairobi for the last few months, but unfortunately, the same problem exists in all of the shops that I’ve been to, and believe me, there are many. Where haven’t I been to? Exhibitions, African Boot Co, Leather for you, House of Leather, Enka Rasha, Village Market, most shoe shops within the CBD, hapa, huko, pare, everywhere. But I keep getting the same answer each time. Hakuna size kubwa.

(I did find a pair of Size 12 leather Hugo Boss shoes on Mama Ngina Street……. but they cost Ksh. 34,000/= which is why I keep asking my old man every day what the hell he was doing when other people’s fathers were masterminding Anglo Fleecing)

What makes the situation worse is when salespeople try to persuade you into buying shoes you have no interest in, or smaller size shoes, telling you not to worry coz “it’s a leather shoe, it’ll expand with time!” coz of such nonsense and squeezing my feet into small shoes, I got myself athletes foot. More problems.

Lesson learnt, now I’d only buy a shoe if the bottom is clearly marked SIZE 12 UK! Otherwise, forget it.

Back to silly salesmen, the other day there was a special offer on some leather shoes at a certain shop, and I found a pair of leather shoes that tickled my fancy. The obvious question was asked and the saleslady assured me that they had two pairs of my size in store. Knowing that I had angukiad jackpot of the year, I told her to hold onto BOTH pairs (ati I leave the other one for who? Those are jokes!) one in black and the second in brown, and I’d be back for them once I got some cash.

So last Thursday I went back to said shoe shop armed with the cash for the two pairs. Wacha the saleslady (si they know I’d come back with cash?) today the Indian manager came to be of assistance (I always smell trouble at this point – these guys are so money minded that they’ll sell you anything whether you’re looking at it or not.) and that’s where the bullshit began.

“The largest size vee hawe for that design is size 10″

I asked him why they’d told me that they had my size in stock, only for them to change the story. Plus I’m extremely particular about many things. If I want something and I cannot have it, I’d rather do without it then settle for the less appealing alternative.

Vee don’t have size twelwe for dat van, but vee have for dis van, dat van and also dat addar van! Wery wery nice, I do good price for you”

huku he’s showing me some bootleg Tims and a pair of oh so hideous Air Force Ones. Yaani this kubaff looked at me and decided that I can buy fake Tims and Air Force Ones? And calling 200 bob a good discount. I should have slapped him!

Speaking of which, the idiot who brought Air Force Ones back into fashion should be beaten to death, preferrably with a multi-coloured specimen.

Nike Air Force Ones

“But I don’t vant dat van or even dos other van!! I vant dis van!!!!”

Fooresh!

Why can’t some people understand that I’m not just looking for any bloody shoe to throw my feet into?
So once again I left the shoe shop, very disappointed. If anyone is interested in getting me out of this perpetual state of despair, I wouldn’t mind a pair of these. Size 12 UK please! (not size 12 US!!)

A.O.B

Who watched KTN News Shot last Friday night? I almost died of laughter when I saw that fellow, the mkubwa of Maendeleo ya Wanaume, requesting the government to rectify a long standing injustice against a certain naked boy outside Nairobi Law Courts, I thought he was either very idle, being stupid, or seeking attention. But after reading this post, I realized that perhaps the man did have a valid point. If that fountain had been of a naked girl being sprinkled with cold water around the clock, wouldn’t all the women’s rights organizations be up in arms about it?

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!!!

Name: Bruce Buck.

Who is he? : Apparently he’s the Chairman of Chelsea Football Club.

What’s the beef? : so, the management of the club will not tolerate any form of abuse against the new manager Avram Grant. This abuse comes from the club’s own fans! (the fifty of us still left holding fort)

So what are you going to do about that, Mr Buck, ban fans from setting foot inside Stamford Bridge? Open your eyes you old twat, we don’t want Avram Grant as manager!!!! Why else would fans abuse the man? Get a serious manager for heaven’s sake!

(NB: Not that I support the anti-semitic bit, but the rest I support)

AND FINALLY…

WARNING: Unsuitable for Under 18s. (Betty and Tweety please exit HERE)

Kenyan men should count ourselves lucky that we don’t live under sharia law, because if we did, we’d have no time to manga manga around with women other than our wives. And just for those who decide to reap where they have not sown, THIS is what would have happened to you… in the presence of your wife.

Plough your own shamba this week, won’t you?

What’s on my Playlist?

Everwanting: To want you to want – Maxwell