Once in the 70s, Mwalimu Julius Nyerere described Kenya as being a man-eat-man society, to which the ever eloquent “Sir” Charles Njonjo aka The Duke of Kabeteshire replied “In that case, Tanzania is a man-eat-nothing society.” It seems that the suspicion that Tanzanians have against Kenyans has existed for a very long time. But this post isn’t about that. Look for a political blog to read more about that.

Nyerere was right about that though. In Kenya, everyone is out to get a little something out of you. If it’s not the politicians fleecing public coffers (legally and illegally) then it’s the cops and City Council fellows seeking bribes. If not them, then there’s a jambazi somewhere seeking to dispossess you of your hard earned money and other possessions. If not them, then there’s some woman gold digging on your ass. If not them….there’s always bound to be someone looking to get something from you.

I found out about that the hard way, last week where I got mugged twice, once by the cops!!! The first incident was rather funny though coz I was actually laughing throughout the process.

We live somewhere on the outskirts of Nairobi, and getting home by public means in the evening is usually a very tricky affair. There are two different routes that one can use.

Route A is closest to digz, but one has to take two mats to fika, one for Eastleigh where you shuka halfway and take another connecting one to digz. It’s a bit complicated but far much safer than walking past Bus Station where you’re almost guaranteed of getting jacked.

Route B is farther away from digz, and the last stage is 4.1km to my digz, but from there, one can take a tuktuk for the rest of the distance. The only problem is that the tuktuks are expensive (Ksh 150) obviously not fare that you can afford to pay every day. And they stop operating at 8pm. After 8pm, there are the Securicor/Group 4/Securex/KK Security double cabs which if you talk to the dere nicely, they can drop you home, but for a fee (100 bob)

On Thursday evening I was is in town heading home a bit late (i.e.past 8pm), lakini I opted against the easier Route A and took Route B. In my pocket I had Ksh 610. Upon alighting at the stage, I walked down expecting to find the kawaida driver for Securex to drop me home. But unfortunately he was on leave and there was anaa dere, who wasn’t willing to drop me for a sok. He wanted 200 bob, which I wasn’t willing to pay. And since it was past 8pm, there were no tuktuks.

Sidebar: Kwanza our hood has anaa red tuktuk emblazoned with “HAMMER” at the front and “NYUNDO FORCE” at the back. Advancement my guy! We have Hummers for tuktuks!!!

Anyway, I whipped out the penguin to try and find a pal to come pick me up, but when the driver saw that, he insisted that the 200 bob could be negotiated and that “tutaongea mbele” so I hopped into the back seat, ensconced between two cops with their AK47s and in the front there was the dere and another Securex guard. We drove for a while before the car slowed down for the “negotiations” to begin.

Dere: Kijana unatoa ngapi?

Me: Mi niko na soo pekee. Si hio ndio vile mi hupanga na (regular dere)

Dere: Sisi hatufanyangi hizi favours kwa pesa ndogo. Ongea vizuri.

Me: Mazee, soo mbili ni mob bana!

Dere: Hauwezi kuishi hapa na hauna pesa! Ama unataka kushuka?

Me: Ah Boss bana, si tunaeza patana siku ingine nikiwa nimejipanga?

Dere: Hakuna kitu kama hiyo.

Me: Sawa wee nifikishe home alafu tutaongea.

They eventually dropped me home, but I couldn’t exit the moti bila paying up first. So I got out my wallet to pull out the 100 bob, but unfortunately also the 500 bob note slipped out.

Cop: Sasa hiyo imeshikana ati unaachia nani?

*lost for words, aki I should have fichad that note elsewhere. But how could I have known?*

Me: Hii namrudishia mtu, sio yangu.

Cop: gichana unatupotesea wagati unatutanganya ati hauna pesa. *grabs 500 bob note*

Wachanga mchezo gichana.

Me: Ah wee ofisaa kuwa serious lakini! Sawa chukueni soo mbili mnirudishie change.

Cop: Ati change? Kwani tunakaa kama kiosk?

*laughter*

I shukad the moti hoping that they were not seriously going to take my 5 sok but shock on my diabz, they did! They turned the car around and bounced, with big smiles on their faces!!!

Dere: kesho ukikwama si tutaonana? Mweheheheheheheheheheeee!!!!

I’ve sareeed!!!

Fast forward to Saturday night. I’d spent a cosy evening out in the company of a very lovely lady. A pal of mine with a moti was meant to join us in town then we’d hanye, but he got derailed and couldn’t make it. So when the evening came to an end, I found myself in tao at 10:30pm chapaing futsubishi to look for a jav since I didn’t have enough cash for a cab. This time I decided to use Route B, knowing what lay ahead if I took Route A. Walking very briskly to catch a mat for Eastleigh, then out of nowhere came these two dudes, one on each side and pushed me towards a dark corner.

Thug 1: Toa doh na mbota! Spidi jo, niko na kisu

Ok at that particular moment in time I was not quite sober, but still, I knew that anyone would have to be a complete idiot to dare dispossess me of my beloved penguin and my watch (sentimental attachment) Kwanza don’t mess with Mishale, coz just as the name suggests, I’m sharp and I’m fast! If you had a knife, surely you wouldn’t need to tell me you have one. If you were a bank robber, you wouldn’t walk into a bank and say that you have a gun. You’d show the bloody gun and let it do the talking. Alaa?!

Quick thinking here. There’s no way I’m being jacked! I caught them off guard, there was a bit of a scuffle, I got thwacked a bit, but in the end I kicked one guy in the nuts and took off like a bullet! Aki that sprint, even Asafa Powell would have nothing on me! Luckily I found a mat that was almost full so I leapt in chap chap. I didn’t even bother to look back to see whether they were in pursuit.

Aki hii maneno ya public transport is not for me, I need a car!!! 

 

Onto other things…

 

RIP

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Former World Rally Champion Colin McRae was killed in a helicopter crash on Saturday afternoon in Scotland. Among the passengers in the helicopter that McRae was piloting were his 5 year old son, a friend and his son. McRae will be remembered for winning the Safari Rally thrice (1994, 1999 and 2002) and for being one of the craziest, most daring and definitely most exciting rally drivers ever.

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Colin next to his ill-fated helicopter

 

RIP Colin Mcrae.

 

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK

Team McLaren Mercedes were last week found guilty of being in possession of classified information from the Ferrari Formula 1 team and were fined $100 million ($49.2 million Pounds) and stripped of ALL their constructors points for this season, AS WELL AS for the 2008 season. (McLaren were leading the Constructors table before they were stripped of the points)

In fact, McLaren Mercedes were thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to being kicked out of the F1 championships altogether

Among the information discovered were emails sent by test driver Pedro de la Rosa to reigning world Champion Fernando Alonso regarding technical and strategic information sourced from a Fezza insider for more than three months.

I’m ashamed to be a McLaren Mercedes fan. Shameless kabisa. Team McLaren Mercedes, Fernando Alonso and Pedro de la Rosa, y’all are major embarrassments.

Seems like Lewis Hamilton is the only clean person in the team. Go forth and win that championship, young man!!

 

What’s on my Playlist?

Stillness in time – Jamiroquai