Following last week’s leaking of the Kroll Report into the grand looting of Kenya by Uncle Dan and his cronies, the source (which we all knew) and the true wealth of these individuals have finally come to light. And to call such figures “mind boggling” would be a gross misnomer, coz the fellow who thought up this phrase clearly wasn’t thinking in Kenya shillings.

Ksh 71 Billion is what is indicated as the total (known) wealth of one individual named in the report. Let’s put this figure into perspective:

Ksh 71,000,000,000.00 = 550 million pounds sterling or $1.07 billion.

What would one person do with all that money? Why accumulate such obscene amounts of wealth that one can’t even spend? What would you do with that kind of money? My cousin and I spent some time over the weekend pondering over what to do with 71B until we had our brains constipating. I can’t even think up a way to spend HALF that money!

Even if I bought a customized Boeing BBJ and flew to Stamford Bridge, Old Trafford, Eltadio Santiago Bernabeu and the San Siro for every home game, and to every single Formula 1 circuit, bought a few luxury homes in London, Los Angeles, Miami and Switzerland, bought half my dream cars plus the usual suspects (Rolls-Royce Phantom stretch limo, Maybach 62S, Pagani Zonda S, Overfinch Range Rover 580S, Lamborghini Murcielago, BMW 760Li, BMW M5 among many others), gave my immediate family $10 million each, and set up a charity foundation for the underprivileged in society with Ksh 2 billion, I’d leave quite a lot of change.

But that’s not the point. How is it that a handful of people have looted Ksh 130B from the national coffers and stashed it abroad? How is it that one family in Kenya is worth more than Ksh 100B? How is it that one individual alone is worth Ksh 71B? Most of that money is just sitting in foreign accounts earning interest!

Obviously these characters will deny that they did loot the money. But how can they account for their wealth? How is it possible for anyone to amass that kind of wealth (in Kenya) legally? That’s more than the annual profits of EABL, Safaricom, Celtel, Barclays Bank combined for 5 years!! Kwani what business have they been engaging in to make such money legitimately?

Have they no conscience whatsoever?

My primary school kiswahili teacher Mr Wallah Bin Wallah once told my class that if one ever really really really really REALLY needed to steal something, steal only what you need. Anything beyond that is pointless. If you’re hungry and you really need to steal a banana, steal a banana. If you need to steal 20 bob to buy a packet of milk, steal just that 20 bob. At least ukishikwa, utaweza kijitetea. I was hungry so I stole a loaf of bread! That’s somewhat understandable. But not raiding my farm and taking off with all my apples!

Not that I condone theft (I doubt that Mr Wallah does as well), but surely, if you really have to loot state coffers (which you don’t) si you just loot kedo a billion each, invest it wisely and leave something for the rest of the country? Coz WTF is one man going to do with Ksh 71B??

How do you sleep at night knowing that you’ve looted half of a country’s GDP? That the money gathering dust in your Swiss account could have been used to improve the healthcare system, that accident related deaths could have been reduced significantly had the funds in your Cayman Islands account been used to build quality roads, that the level of crime would have greatly reduced if the funds in your Belgian bank had been used to create education and employment opportunities for wananchi.

Mazee at least y’all should have done something to alleviate the poverty in your own backyard of Baringo Central, which remains one of Kenya’s poorest areas!! So shameless!!

The Narc government came into power in 2002 with the promise of ending corruption, and the whole country waited with baited breath to see whether the looters would be prosecuted. That clearly didn’t happen. Then it turns out that Obacks has been sitting on the Kroll Report for three years now? Why? So Kibaki had this information all along, but here we have ministers constantly re-assuring Kenyans that “The Govt is doing everything in its power to recover stolen funds stashed abroad…there are no sacred cows…no stone will be left unturned…” Evidently, our beloved government and Ringera’s KACC are working overtime.

Then the grand looter himself goes ahead to endorse Obacks for a second term. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

The failure of Obacks’ government to effectively tackle corruption, plus dipping their fingers into the Anglo Fleecing jar, add onto the fact that Obacks is 77 this year and there’s no assurance whatsoever that he’ll be the man running the country in the next three years (wacha 5 years, what happens if [God forbid] he suffers yet another stroke before then?) eliminates him from my choice of president for later this year.

ODM is not any better, Raila Odinga is on record for assuring Moi that he’ll “…protect him, his family and the Kalenjin community once he becomes president…” Kalonzo is known to have uttered similar sentiments in the recent past. Protect them from what? Prosecution? Add onto that the fact that ODM and ODM-K packed with individuals known to have committed economic crimes under the previous regime, I don’t really think that an ODM (or ODM-K) government would effectively tackle corruption either! No vote for you!

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

NARC = Nothing Actually Really Changed.

ODM = ??


Ok, for fantasy’s sake, how would you spend Ksh 71,000,000,000.00?

Fokojembe of the week

There’s dreaming, and there’s foolishness. Maybe even foolish dreams or perhaps even dreaming about foolishness.

Here’s a politician who woke up one day and decided that he wants to be president of Kenya. He’s never bothered to criss-cross the country to popularise himself and the agenda that he has for the country (if elected), doesn’t particularly have a track record of achievement during his tenure in government, has never featured anywhere above 1% in any popularity poll, but somehow still believes that he’s the most qualified person to be Kibaki’s main rival in the forthcoming elections. Dude even paid the Ksh 2m nomination fee.

Then you got only 30 votes at Kasarani?

Joe Nyagah, join your brother Norman in the league of the foolish.

What’s on my playlist?

WARNING: This audio clip is of an extremely hilarious nature. Listener discretion is advised.


I didn’t think that ordering flowers could be so interesting!!