Sunday was hangover recovery day so I stayed in bed all day, save for the 20 or so minutes that it took to fix Sunki some lunch. Aki me si I have a bright mongrel? You see, his kennel has an intercom, so when said pet is hungry, he finyas “call”, then when I answer, he barks twice and steps on his empty bakuli. Nikiskia “WOOFANGA!!” followed by “….ku-pingili-pingili…” I know it’s time to feed the dog. Sharpness, eh? Can your mongrel do that?

I woke up much later at about 7:30 pm, and decided to go down to the local to buy some gafs and credo. It was meant to be a chap chap affair coz I wanted to get back home and tune in to Capital Jazz club, but I ended up having some sodas with a lady pal, until I got sliced by the owner of the pub who I was advised by the barman not to attempt a re-slice since he always walks armed.

As I was leaving, I ran into a cop pal of mine who was off duty and he insisted that I buy him a ka-loose one for the road (which obviously became three or four beers) then despite my insistence that I had to leave, he insisted that I drop him home and meet his two week old son. So I obliged out of courtesy coz enyewe we’ve been pals for four years but I’ve never been to his house. And vile he’s so proud that he’s finally got a son, I couldn’t disappoint him! A son is an heir! Unfortunately the little man didn’t like me one bit, apparently I have a very scary face. Kumbe these tu women that I hola at have been lying to me ati I’m good looking? Ladies, am I that ugly kweli?

What was uncomfortable was the fact that the cop and his pals kept vibing in kyuk for about 2 and a half hours despite the fact that I’m not one yet he was saying some stuff about me. “Hii baruhya hii……blah blah burukenge kabisa heeeehehehehehe!!!!!” then everyone turns to me and starts laughing. Seriously, that’s not polite at all.

And that’s a habit that I’ve noticed mostly among msaperes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on kyuks or making some tribalist hate speech or anything, other communities are also affected. but many kyuks have this habit of switching to mother-tongue mid conversation with zero regard to anyone else around them. Whenever it happens, I ask the guys involved to step aside and have their conversation in private if at all they were discussing some confidential maneno. Alternatively I excuse myself so that they can talk comfortably. But when you have to sit through 2.5 hours of pure kyuk and you’re expected to fill in the blanks, WTF??

Picture this, we’re talking about something, probably politics ama whatever. In English and Kiswahili, then dude turns to his bro and starts korogaing in kyuk for like two full minutes before turning to me and asking “Mishare, hiyo ni uugwana kweri?” How the fuck should I know? It’s not like I understood a single thing you said!

In situations that are unavoidable, you really can’t expect anyone to translate or to consider your presence, for example, last Saturday I went for a pal’s girlfriend’s brother’s ngurario ceremony. My pal and I, both non kyuks, sat at the back of the tent (latecomers sisi) and we had to follow the entire proceedings while trying to fill in the blanks during the kyuk vibe.

Pal: Now all those mamas covered in shukas, si it’s too easy to jua which one is his mama? Si she’s that one with the thuthaz?

Me: eeeeeh! Ni hiyo. I can spot that diab from the moon.

Pal: Is how the mzee is shikaing that kipande ya mbuzi in the air with a stick? Si it’ll go cold! Why can’t he chop chop it so we eat? Me I’m hungry!

Me: The groom is supposed to cut a specific joint of the mbuzi’s leg in a certain manner. So that’s probably the piece.

Pal: Ok, but why is that other dude dressed in a shuka and being pongezwad like this yet he’s not the groom?

Me: I suspect he’s part of the crew who took the goats to the bride’s digz. Let’s watch then we’ll know wsup.

Pal: But if he’s the one who’s pelekad the goats, then why is he being given one?

Me: Labda hiyo ni discount ya prompt payment…

As I said, it’d be unreasonable for me to expect anyone to translate the proceedings of the ngurario into english or kiswahili. But in other cases where a few guys are gathered having a conversation, then two or three suddenly switch to kyuk in total disregard of everyone else around them, me thinks that’s very selfish and inconsiderate!

If you know that you suffer from this habit, (msapere or otherwise) please reflect on it for a while and make the necessary adjustments to your tabias. Most people wouldn’t tell you that it’s irritating, so you probably wouldn’t know whether you’re one of them.

For your listening pleasure

Warning: Audio clip is of a very hilarious nature. Listener discretion is advised.

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