August 2007


These arabs are mwendaas. Seriously.

This definitely takes lunacy to a whole new level! If my daddy was a multi-billionaire oil baron somewhere in Qatar, Saudi Arabia or Dubai, I wouldn’t be drifting in a BMW 7 Series, no no no! That’s too cheap. I’d be writing off a bloody  Rolls Royce Phantom!!!!

Rolls-Royce Phantom

Enjoy your weekend folks!

What’s on my playlist?

I’ll take you there – Sean Paul 

We came here to party/throw your hands up everybody/lets have a party going on/it’s a holiday!

I’ve just heard this track “Holiday” by Naughty by Nature for the first time in 7 years. If anyone can hook me up with the MP3, aki I’ll kiss your toes. I so love this track!

Chic, you’re hot. Haki ya nani. Of all the 30 something women that I’ve had the pleasure of seeing naked, you are by far the most gorgeous. But you’ve got such a low self esteem that you wouldn’t believe that any man would ever find you attractive. Any man would be honoured to have you. I’d marry you myself if only we didn’t have so much beef between us, but it pains me to see you selling yourself so cheap, whoring around like a cheap slut from Koinange Street. And that’s what you’ve become. A whore. It pains me. Really, it does. To see my first love reduce herself to this….

Get your life in check for fuck’s sake!

We’re all allowed one blonde moment per day, right? Thankyou.

Yesterday I experienced a moment of what KM would call foolishness reloaded. See, it was the first time that I bought a scratch-card with the new Safaricom “Kwachua Milioni” promotion. Upon seeing the fancy colour work, I asked the shopkeeper wsup with the new promotion. She told me to scratch the top area, and whatever amount was reflected there meant that I’d won that amount, and I should therefore contact Safaricom to hand over the money.

Ok, I’ve never really been successful with raffles or draws. Although, way back in 1993 I won a whole carton of assorted biscuits in the Sarit Centre “Lick-Stick and Win” competition. (I ate all those biscuits alone over a period of 1.5 months) In the recent past I haven’t been that lucky though. Even with the recent Tusker an chapaa promotion, I think I’m the only person who didn’t even win a free beer!! EABL have issues with me lakini they don’t want to tell me.

So you can imagine my astonishment when I scratched the card and saw this:

My fake 10 million bob!!

(Pole for the poor picture quality, my penguin’s camera is only 0.3 megapixels, but I’m sure you can clearly see the figures)

TEN MILLION SHILLINGS!!!! I won 10 million bob!!! Yaani Ksh 10,000,000.00/=

Wooooooohoooooooo!!!! Kwanza I was at Fifi’s, the pub right outside USIU. It’s just that USIU is on holiday, otherwise I’d have thrown a rao (on credit of course) for everyone in there to celebrate my good fortune!

In my mind I’d already seen myself on the front page of the local dailies receiving those huuuge plastic cheques with my name and 10,000,000 next to it. I’d already seen myself giving a press conference…

“ninkepenta kutumakho salaams kwa papa na mama yanku wakiwa pale nyumpani, kha mpwa khangu Sunkuli akiwa pale nyumpani pia, na ma peste zangu wote wakiwa popote walipo. Uchumpe ni kwampa Safaricom Kwachua Milioni Promotion ni ya faita kupwa vhane!! Kwa machirani yanku Elphas na Philomena sasa munawesa kucha kuchukua teni yako kwa file sasa naweza kusemako kama yule muchamaa Tef Chappelle – I’M RICH PIATCH!!

I’d calculated how I’m going to expand Mishale kiosk into Mishale General Hardware Ltd. I’d already envisioned how I’m going to buy a small plot, build a ka house, buy a 106” Panasonic plasma screen TV and install DSTV, throw in a few cows and goats, plant some maize and sukumawiki and toss in a few chicken to lay me some eggs.

I’d seen how I’ll pay a handsome dowry to the father of the mrembo who owns these legs, twende Hawaai tunywe ma pinya konyandas and other fancy cocktails with umbrellas, whose names I’m yet to learn to pronounce.

I’d pictured how I’d buy a metallic silver Subaru Legacy B4 STi Turbo with black leather seats and gold 18” STi rims, aki I had it all planned to the last shilling!! But alas! I was brought crashing down to earth.

“Sasa fanya hivi, si umesikirashi hapo? Haya, sikirashi ire igine, u-load credit kwa simu alafu dio watakuingiza kwa draw dio ushinde hiyo 10 million”

Ati nini? Draw tena? From where? Si this thingy says I’ve won 10 million! Where does it say draw?

I’ve got half a heart to call up Michael Joseph and sue him for causing un-necessary emotional distress. Imagine going through all that only to come to the stark reality that I only had 278 bob in my pocket? Drat!!

Ok, seriously, Safaricom need to indicate on the scratchcards that one doesn’t win the amount indicated, but is entered into a draw to win that amount. Creating such false hopes in unsuspecting wananchi can lead to heart attacks and strokes.

 

 

 

Picture of the day

 

Bank of Mourinho

Deadly, eh?

What’s on my playlist?

Aumewitue – Musiq (Soulchild?)

Ok just for the sake of making a technical appearance up in here, allow me to take you back, way back into the archives.

It’s interesting how, despite the fact that experience should have taught people a lesson or two, some people still go out and make the same mistakes and expect different results. Mind you, I’m not referring to myself in this scenario.

Convenient Fucking Strokes Arrangements aka CFA/CSA or otherwise known as Friends with benefits (FWB) arrangements have always been a very tricky, complicated and potentially messy affair. And always, the main questions remain:

1. Are there any rules to having a successful long term strokes arrangement?

2. If so, what are they?

3. Is there any such thing as a successful convenient strokes arrangement in the first place?

To understand where these questions arise from, refer to THIS post. 

And while you’re at it, just a random question. Is there any such thing as “accidental strokes?” Yaani zile za whoops…aki it slipped!! What have we just done? And now that you’ve had “accidental strokes” with someone you weren’t meant to, what happens next?

A.O.B

Big Brother Africa 2 is currently on, and I think it sucks that those of us bila DSTV have no clue as to what’s going on up in there! All I know is that the Kenyan housemate is some budaa masquerading as a 23 year old (yeah right!!) who ingiad the house loudly advertising his political affiliation with his orange outfit. And that he’ll very soon be boarding KQ 461 from Johannesburg to Nairobi. Otherwise hatuna habari. How comes this time round KTN isn’t showing the 30 minutes daily highlights? Mazee it’s not fair!!

What’s on my Playlist?

Jimmy – Boney M (album: More Gold)

Hi fellas,

My latest post can be found HERE. I’ll be away for a while, got some personal shit to sort out so…yes, I’ll be away. Not to worry though, I’ll be back soon. In the meantime, enjoy the post and y’all better be good!!

Archer.

Sunday was hangover recovery day so I stayed in bed all day, save for the 20 or so minutes that it took to fix Sunki some lunch. Aki me si I have a bright mongrel? You see, his kennel has an intercom, so when said pet is hungry, he finyas “call”, then when I answer, he barks twice and steps on his empty bakuli. Nikiskia “WOOFANGA!!” followed by “….ku-pingili-pingili…” I know it’s time to feed the dog. Sharpness, eh? Can your mongrel do that?

I woke up much later at about 7:30 pm, and decided to go down to the local to buy some gafs and credo. It was meant to be a chap chap affair coz I wanted to get back home and tune in to Capital Jazz club, but I ended up having some sodas with a lady pal, until I got sliced by the owner of the pub who I was advised by the barman not to attempt a re-slice since he always walks armed.

As I was leaving, I ran into a cop pal of mine who was off duty and he insisted that I buy him a ka-loose one for the road (which obviously became three or four beers) then despite my insistence that I had to leave, he insisted that I drop him home and meet his two week old son. So I obliged out of courtesy coz enyewe we’ve been pals for four years but I’ve never been to his house. And vile he’s so proud that he’s finally got a son, I couldn’t disappoint him! A son is an heir! Unfortunately the little man didn’t like me one bit, apparently I have a very scary face. Kumbe these tu women that I hola at have been lying to me ati I’m good looking? Ladies, am I that ugly kweli?

What was uncomfortable was the fact that the cop and his pals kept vibing in kyuk for about 2 and a half hours despite the fact that I’m not one yet he was saying some stuff about me. “Hii baruhya hii……blah blah burukenge kabisa heeeehehehehehe!!!!!” then everyone turns to me and starts laughing. Seriously, that’s not polite at all.

And that’s a habit that I’ve noticed mostly among msaperes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on kyuks or making some tribalist hate speech or anything, other communities are also affected. but many kyuks have this habit of switching to mother-tongue mid conversation with zero regard to anyone else around them. Whenever it happens, I ask the guys involved to step aside and have their conversation in private if at all they were discussing some confidential maneno. Alternatively I excuse myself so that they can talk comfortably. But when you have to sit through 2.5 hours of pure kyuk and you’re expected to fill in the blanks, WTF??

Picture this, we’re talking about something, probably politics ama whatever. In English and Kiswahili, then dude turns to his bro and starts korogaing in kyuk for like two full minutes before turning to me and asking “Mishare, hiyo ni uugwana kweri?” How the fuck should I know? It’s not like I understood a single thing you said!

In situations that are unavoidable, you really can’t expect anyone to translate or to consider your presence, for example, last Saturday I went for a pal’s girlfriend’s brother’s ngurario ceremony. My pal and I, both non kyuks, sat at the back of the tent (latecomers sisi) and we had to follow the entire proceedings while trying to fill in the blanks during the kyuk vibe.

Pal: Now all those mamas covered in shukas, si it’s too easy to jua which one is his mama? Si she’s that one with the thuthaz?

Me: eeeeeh! Ni hiyo. I can spot that diab from the moon.

Pal: Is how the mzee is shikaing that kipande ya mbuzi in the air with a stick? Si it’ll go cold! Why can’t he chop chop it so we eat? Me I’m hungry!

Me: The groom is supposed to cut a specific joint of the mbuzi’s leg in a certain manner. So that’s probably the piece.

Pal: Ok, but why is that other dude dressed in a shuka and being pongezwad like this yet he’s not the groom?

Me: I suspect he’s part of the crew who took the goats to the bride’s digz. Let’s watch then we’ll know wsup.

Pal: But if he’s the one who’s pelekad the goats, then why is he being given one?

Me: Labda hiyo ni discount ya prompt payment…

As I said, it’d be unreasonable for me to expect anyone to translate the proceedings of the ngurario into english or kiswahili. But in other cases where a few guys are gathered having a conversation, then two or three suddenly switch to kyuk in total disregard of everyone else around them, me thinks that’s very selfish and inconsiderate!

If you know that you suffer from this habit, (msapere or otherwise) please reflect on it for a while and make the necessary adjustments to your tabias. Most people wouldn’t tell you that it’s irritating, so you probably wouldn’t know whether you’re one of them.

For your listening pleasure

Warning: Audio clip is of a very hilarious nature. Listener discretion is advised.

Click HERE to download/listen to Angry Pawn Dealer