July 2007


Today marks one year since the beginning of the worst/ week of/ my life. July 30th – August 6th 2006, all the gods and shetanis really conspired against me. If you’re too lazy to follow the links above, what happened that week was that I broke up with my (then) girlfriend, then I got assaulted in a white pub in South Africa.

Why is it still bothering me, especially now that it’s a whole year later? Especially for something as “simple” as a break-up? Those things happen and life goes on, right? What was meant to be was meant to be, right?

So what has changed since then? What kind of person have I become since?

1. South Africa/Afrikaners

Given the circumstances under which I left South Africa, I hope never to set foot in that country ever again in my life. At least not if I can help it. It’s a beautiful country and I have a lot of pleasant memories from my three years there and all the wonderful people that I met, but these memories were all messed up by a select few Afrikaners who tainted my opinion of the country as a whole. I hate Afrikaners, I’m not ashamed to admit that. As in I really, really do not like Afrikaners one bit. I have an extremely low opinion of them, not in the sense that I’d kill the first one that I came across, but in the sense that if I met a white person, you best hide the fact that you’re Afrikaner coz I’d probably not want anything to do with you after that.

And I think my reasons are justified. In three years, my fellow Kenyans and other blacks in general were constantly reminded of our place in the pecking order and subjected to substandard service at several places especially restaurants, as well as other types of mistreatment. That kind of foolishness one can probably tolerate, but when it comes to the point where your life is in danger, that’s a totally different pot of fish altogether.

Few people know that I received death threats after I tried to follow up the issue of the assault using a few unorthodox tactics since all the straight forward avenues had failed. As a result, I had to move house twice in 1.5 months for my own safety lest my face became the newest addition into St Peter’s photo album (aka the obituaries).

And when my plane ticket finally arrived, let’s just say that I’ve never had so much love for the red and green livery on a Kenya Airways aircraft. The flight crew literally had to peel me off the side of the plane and toss me into the cabin! I even sat in front so that I see Nairobi before the guys at the back! And I was the happiest man once the Boeing 737-800 left the tarmac at O.R. Tambo International. I think I might have shed a tear or two.

The amount of shit that I either saw or went through in 3 years can probably fill a book. I’ve never seen people who feel absolutely nothing for anyone else, a people so pretentious and hateful…I lack words. Then you come across such Afrikaner supremacist websites (Ok Alexcia seems to have deleted her blog, she had the links) and you lose words completely.

One thing that really used to piss me off is how the white students used to feel sweet for everyone else. Not that there was any racial tension quietly brewing, but you could sense the fact that they thought they were better then everyone else. I had only 2 white friends in 3 years! Imagine that! One was a chic who grew up on a farm with many black workers, so as she grew up she learnt isiXhosa and Zulu, so she can relate very well with blacks. The other one is a dude who I’d always find myself seated next to in one particularly boring economics lecture every week, so whenever one of us dozed off, the other would always keep an eye out for him in case the lecturer threw a glance in our direction. But we’d both end up dozing off anyway.

Surprisingly, if you had a white friend of the opposite sex, when you met somewhere, he/she’s probably give you a hug, just like you’d say hi to anyone else. But if it was out in the open, on campus, he/she’s probably only give you a poilte “Hi” and leave you pending, for fear of what his/her white friends would think if they saw them hug a black student. What does that tell you?

There were some dudes who lived in the same complex as I did, and they had cars. In winter (which caught us equatorial creatures off-guard) it’d rain cats and dogs but they’d never give anyone a lift to or from school, but when they needed to borrow something they’d run to my cottage. The white students would rarely take public transport, but in all that feeling sweet, I once came across some classified information that showed that a very healthy percentage of white students were on financial aid. Just like other students! So now who are you feeling sweet for? Just coz you’re sharing someone’s car and I’m riding the J-Class? (mathree) At least my fees were fully paid up!

Once, during an accounting tutorial session which was being led by a white 4th year student, my pal and I were part of the only 6 blacks out of about 20 students in class. One student asked a question in Afrikaans, which was explained in detail by the tutorial leader in Afrikaans. My pal asked for the leader to explain that in English since whatever question it is that was asked was probably relevant to all the students. The dude gave us a blank look like “WTF is your problem?” and continued explaining it in Afrikaans. So we walked out in protest, but we’d already signed the attendance register and handed in our assignments. The next week, the 6 of us were in shit for skiving the session, and we were all marked as absent. You think any of our 14 fellow students stood up for us and told the lecturer that we were actually there? Not one! Not a single one.

My only other three white pals were my regular cab driver who knew all the freshest gossip from the weekend’s activities (si he’s the one who used to drop guys home accompanied by their clandes), the barman/manager at my local pub who made quite a tidy sum from me over 3 years, as well as from the pool tournaments that I organized, and a little old lady who owned the mini supermarket near my apartment. She’d always make sure that I got fresh samosas and coconut cookies whenever I passed by after school. And she’d also have a copy of the Sunday Times delivered to my doorstep coz she knew I’d be too plastered on Sunday morning to go buy it myself, and they’d be sold out by 12pm.

If you haven’t noticed the link, there’s always money flowing from my pocket into theirs!! But none of them ever helped me out with anything if there was no money involved. Unless there’s money involved, Afrikaners are generally bila your time. Flash a note and there you’ve got yourself a bosom buddy!

But I think I can understand why some Afrikaners behave as they do, you have to remember the fact that they came to Africa in the dark ages, which is where most of them remained until little over 10 years ago, and a good number are still there trapped there now.

2. Relationships

A year is a lot of time to forget someone and move on, which I thought I had, well at least until last weekend. See, I ran into my ex’s best friend as well as her bro on the hanye. Of course conversation somehow drifted into the topic of us, what went wrong, what could have been and all that.

They say that alcohol gives you the courage to reveal the truth that lies deep within. It lowers your inhibitions. Let’s just say that I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth. Y’all have no idea how many times I’ve pinched myself since Friday.

“Did I say that? Oh shit I think I did. Who did I say that to? Why the fuck did I say that?!” *pinches self!*

You see, you know in your rational mind that it’s over and you can never get your ex back, but your stupid side always carries that little thread of hope that miracles can happen. I ended up saying a lot of stuff that should probably have been reserved for a private journal, which would then be burnt before another human being came across it. I just hope that they were as plastered as I was on Friday night and that they won’t remember jack shit about what I said!

It took a very long time to get over my ex, during which time I sought solace in all the wrong places, slept with more women then I care to count or remember. I call that my malaya phase. I’m a lot more cautious now where matters of affection are involved. I’ve told myself that the next woman who’ll own my roho, that’s the one to whose father’s shamba I’ll be taking some cows and goats. And that’s not any time in the near future!

A.O.B

1. Some people have complained about the very irritating comment moderation on this blog that apparently only allows specific individuals to comment. There is no comment moderation on this blog. La hasha. Anyone can post a comment here. What happens with WordPress blogs is that they come with Akismet spam catcher as standard. So the first time that you post a comment here, it’ll be sent to moderation. As soon as I check my email and find comments waiting to be approved, I’ll do that, (which I do for all comments) From then onwards, whenever you post a comment using the same name that you did the first time, it’ll automatically be approved. Kwa hivyo sio ati kuna favouritism kati ya ma regulars na ma non-regulars or anything like that. Feelanga free to post a comment.

BUT…

It makes absolutely no sense to me why a person would waste time reading a blog that doesn’t interest him/her, and then leave very ugly abyooosive comments on the blog. If you don’t like what you read, no one forced you to read it! Just don’t read it!! Read something else!!

2. I’m converting my old blog into a photo blog. Stay tuned.

What’s on my Playlist?

Kelis – Get along with you

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Can’t a blogger enjoy his hiatus in peace? Now ati there’s yet another tag? Didn’t we have another one just the other day? Anyway I’ve been tagged by Big Orange so lemme be a sport and pay along. But I’ll follow the Half n Half & Klara format, wacha I bakisha some facts for next year’s seven facts tag!

 

1. Where is your cell phone…they’re both on the desk in front of me (I have two, but do I say?)

2. Relationship… about month old

3. Your hair…. definitely needs a shave

4. Work… what work?

5. Your sisters…. wish I had some! With my old lady’s looks they’d have been HOT!!! Then I’d have fun harassing prospective boyfriends!

6. Your favorite things…. Chelsea FC, Pilsner Ice (RIP) good sex, cars, food.

7. Your dream last night…believe me, you DON’T want to know!! Trust me.

8. Your favorite drink….PILSNER ICE!!! (R.I.P)

9. Your dream car….I have too many….here’s half of them. Others include: BMW 328i (dolphin shape) BMW Alpina B5, BMW Z4 M, Lexus IS300, Overfinch Range Rover, stretch Rolls Royce Phantom…

10. The room you’re in….crowded cybercafé, next to a chic chatting with some middle aged European dude on Skype, alafu the old geezer is dara dara-ing his tu chest hairs. GROSS!!! Kwani she thinks I can’t see or hear their vibe? Shameless!!

11. Your shoes…black Jordans

12. Your fears….failure, erectile dysfunction, small women

13. What do you want to be in 10 years…in the back seat of my own BMW 745Li

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend…my computer (had the flu)

15. What are you not good at…dancing (why won’t you guys believe me?

16. Muffins? Not really, I love other pastries though

17. Wish-list item…where do I start? Nokia N80.

18. Where you grew up…Nairobi

19. The last thing you did…bought a Ginger Ale

20. What are you wearing…polo shirt, jeans, ngotha, vest, viatu

21. What are you not wearing… eh?

22. Your favorite pet…SUNKULI!!

23. Your computer…has a virus. Speaking of which, anyone know how to remove “Sembako” manually?

24. Your life…is quite interesting sometimes

25. Your mood…can flip at any instant. Ask the kid I slapped at the stairs at 20th Century yesterday. Feelanga G Unit soldier…kubaff!!

26. Missing…a really, really, really good shag.

27. What are you thinking about… refer to #26

28. Your dream location… some place where I don’t have to hear about ODM-K and Narc-K.  A few palm trees, sun,  cocktails whose names I can’t pronounce, a gorgeous woman with an ample bottom…..

29. Your Ex… grew a kitambi after we broke up! Not pregnant, I mean, a really big sagging belly.

30. Your Favorite Item… er…my cellphone?

31. Your favorite colour….blue

32. Last time you laughed…this morning

33. Last time you cried… 31st July 2006, it was just 2 or 3 tears!

34. School… taking a break for a year

35. Love … is just but an illusion

 

Ok the next blogger who comes up with a “facts about yourself” tag during 2007, huyo tutam*&^%$@#($&#%&^%$&$&*&%$ but in the meantime, I’m tagging Tweety and Kafai. Tell us something about yourselves!

I’ve gone back to my hammock under the palm tree, I’ll be back in August.

 
What’s on my playlist?

Peep Show – Joe

(Just popping in briefly….I’m supposed to be keeping away from blogosphere!)

I knew it was going to be a bad day today. I could tell. Right from the moment I opened my eyes, I knew. See, I’ve set my ka-radio to go on at 6:30am. So my cellphone alarm clock goes off just a minute before, then followed by the radio. I don’t know how many guys go through this, but the first song that I hear in the morning usually sticks in my mind for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, this is the first thing I heard this morning:

“I’m T Paaaaaaaaain, you know meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

The fuck? Dadii, change station. Quick!

“Let’s talk money, I’ll talk baaaaaaaaaaaaack!”

Where’s that bloody remote yawa!!! Hurry!! Before the ka punch line fikas…..

“Lemme buuuuuy you a ndweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeink!!!”

Oh drat. Now that’s going to be on my mind for the rest of the day… Alafu I finally located the remote and switched stations, only to hear

“Nobaddy wanna see us togeeeeeeeeeeeeeeder…….”

Aki leo mumeamua? Switched to third station (Capital) only to get Chris Brown 

You can be my cinderellaaaaaaaa   ella  eeeee eeeee eeeeee…”

I didn’t require further prompting to switch off the stereo. Alafu I peeped out of the window, took a look at that gloomy weather, wondering why I’m waking up alone…in such oh so morning glorious convenient weather. And I’d forgotten to put on the water heater last night.

Speaking of weather, Nairobi is FOOOREEEEZING!!!!! I thought I was lucky to have skived the South African winter coz right now I’d be visiting relas in Jo burg, where I’m told it recently snowed for the first time in twenty something years. I pity those having to survive sub zero temperatures down in Jozi. But it’s not that better in Nairobi!

So I was at Carni (for the first time in three years) on Saturday night with this character and also that one, but they went off to wiggle their behinds on the dancefloor, leaving those like me with two left feet huko outside near that joint for Dormans Coffee…si you know it? Ya, I was pale pale having a White Cap and despite having on a heavily padded winter jacket (it was bought in Finland, but do I say?) then there was this specimen in a micro mini skirt parading her waithera legs (Chatterly 2007)…..IN THAT COLD!!!!

I’m estimating it was somewhere about 8 or 9 degrees, I’m freezing mpaka the guadoz then these tu young things are running around in hot pants and micro minis? It was so cold mpaka I put aside the beer and got myself some steaming coffee from Dormans and sat my arse by the fireplace.

Then Ms waithera legs shows up to ota some fire, so I asked her “My dear, when you were leaving your house, didn’t you consider the weather before you put on that skirt?”

“No! As long as I look good, that’s all that matters!”

With THOSE tu legs? HA!! But clearly, fashion knows no weather!

Anyway, back to present day. I went to have an eye test done in Westi this morning, it was raining at the time. I parked the car, looked left, looked right…hakuna yellow jacket (City Council parking attendants). After all, they’re not paid enough to stand in the rain and clamp vehicles.

Shock on my diabz! I emerged from the optometrist’s 20 minutes later to find a clamp firmly wrapped around my front wheel!!!! And a note informing me to go to City Hall to pay the 1,070 bob required to un-clamp the car.

Now, it was raining and yaani me and public transport hatusikizani. Ati I take a jav to tao, walk to City Hall in the rain, queue for heaven knows how long, pay the fine, walk back to the stage in the rain and take a jav back to Westi and look for kanjo to un-clamp the car? Those are jokes bana! And I had two hours to pay the fine otherwise they’d tow the car to Parklands Police Station.

I looked for the idiot who had clamped the car and asked WTF was up with that! Tried arguing with him. My logic was that at the time that I parked the car, he was nowhere to be seen. Then I’d only been gone for about 20 minutes, AND I was in the shop right in front of where I’d parked. The dude didn’t want to listen, he refused to be bribed (come on guys, we need SOME corruption!!!) and talking to him was like trying to reason with a brick, so out of frustration, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it….. 

I didn’t understand why Kanjo suddenly became so excited and stretched out his right hand. This is why.

What’s supposed to be on my playlist

The next Sh*t – Pharaohe Monche feat Busta Rhymes

A.O.B

The Bloggers’ meet up is still on for this Saturday 14th July. If you’re still interested in coming along, contact Aegeus (Chairman of the DisOrganization Committee) on mblink.n [@] gmail [.] com and he’ll email you the final details by tomorrow. See y’all on Saturday!! 

I’ve just checked out the new Chelsea FC away kit for the 2007-2008 sesaon and I’m in SHOCK!!!

  Chelsea FC away kit 2007-2008

Well, perhaps I should be, seeing that they call this electricity yellow. Wacheni jokes bana! WTF is this? I’m a patriotic fan who buys all kits for the season but haki ya nani there’s no way I’m buying this one. You guys have clowned vi-excess!! So now what colour will the referees wear?

When the concept for the kit was discussed with the board and the players, the over riding theme was to develop a kit that matched the ambitions of the club”

Yaani you guys seriously discussed this? Ok…then what happened?

“Chelsea has a great tradition of wearing yellow and we wanted to push the barriers by introducing a new twist on the traditional shade. This is where electricity yellow came in!”

Oh yes we do but the previous kits were nowhere near this bad!

Chelsea FC 3rd kit 1999-2000

1999-2000 3rd kit….this was nice

Chelsea FC 3rd kit 2000-2001

and so was the 2000-2001 3rd kit…

Boy am I glad that I got my customized 2006-2007 away jersey before they phased it out!

Chelsea FC 2006-2007 away jersey

OK maybe the new kit isn’t sooooooo bad, ama what do you guys think?

 Super Drog, Captain Terrific & Bollocks

No, it IS bad!! This will definitely take a lot of getting used to.

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!

We’ve always known Sports Minister and Starehe MP Maina Kamanda not to have completely evolved from a Zinjanthropus in terms of his mannerisms. He’s the guy who famously called Raila Odinga “kumanina” at a public rally some years ago. Anyone remember that incident?

I really don’t know what happened to him after he was appointed a minister, but whichever school he went to evolve closer to a homo sapiens, we need to send some other clowns there. These days Kamanda is actually a distinguished gentleman!

This past weekend, the ever abrasive Norman Nyagah, Government Chief Whip and soon to be the former member of Parliament for Kamukunji went on the assault against Kamanda, calling him all manner of unsavoury names while at a rally in Kamukunji (shortly before his own constituents booed him) and he challenged Kamanda to reply to those matusiz, and if he (Kamanda) did, Nyagah would have more abyooooozes in store!

I would be the last person to imagine that Kamanda would emerge from church the next morning preaching peace and maturity, and choosing not to get embroiled in a name calling war with Nyagah, thus making Nyagah appear like a complete idiot.

Poor Norman, wewe ndiye FOKOJEMBE wa wiki hii!!

A.O.B

Can’t ODM-K just disintegrate already? I’m sick and tired of having to watch/read/hear/ of their “crisis meetings” during every news bulletin from dawn to dusk. It’s obvious that no-one is willing to step down for the other, not with the millions that they’ve spent on marketing themselves.

If they’re this disorganized in choosing a presidential andidate, just imagine what kind of government they would form if (God forbid) they were to win this year’s elections. A very confused government that would be.  

SASA NIMEFUNGA JOB!!

 hammock.jpg

Eh… that hiatus that I’ve been talking about, yes that one. I think it’s about time I took it.

I’ve lost blog mojo, these days it’s not easy for me to think up posts, certainly not as easy as it used to be. In other words, I’ve burnt out kiasi, therefore this is the last post that you’re likely to read from Archer for quite a while.

(at least I’m courteous enough to inform y’all in advance!) I’ll be back….. soon. Don’t ask how long coz I don’t know either! But this is not leave pending retirement, so I WILL definitely be back.

Behave yourselves!

What’s on my Playlist?

Break you off – The Roots