June 2007

One thing that I find very amusing about working class Kenyans on Friday evenings is the way in which they announce, very loudly, that “wamefunga kazi”. Dude walks into the local, removes coat in theatric fashion to show that he’s had it on for a bit too long, “dresses” the seat, places car keys on counter, loosens tie, folds sleeves, sits and orders the waiter to serve him a very cold beer. How else will you know that the weekend has arrived?

Another thing that I really enjoy doing while in the pub is listening in on people’s conversations. Have you noticed how everyone suddenly becomes an intellectual as soon as a couple of bottles of Ruaraka’s finest have graced their parched throats? You’d think that all the problems on this earth and beyond, right from the fracas in ODM, to Darfur to Iraq to global warming etc have their solutions right there in that dimly lit kibanda. And you’d also wonder why the owners of such brilliant thoughts have never submitted their CVs to the U.N. and it’s associated agencies.

Knowing how bar patrons are most times a very loud breed, I just couldn’t help overhearing a conversation going on between a group of guys on the next table. This happened a few weeks ago. So this is what I managed to piece together from the whole conversation.

It appears that Kenyan men are becoming quite intimidated by the so called “independent women”, with particular reference to young execs. You know the type, graduated less than 5 years ago, proud holder of an MBA which earned her a mid level management job at a firm somewhere, chic dresses well, rents a cosy apartment somewhere in Kileleshwa and drives a 1500cc Japanese import.

(I hope I’ve not described down to the last detail anyone that might be reading this post! If so, read the disclaimer at the top of this site)

So, according to the storyteller, let’s call him what…Sospeter, these young ladies have taken the Destiny’s Child “independent woman” mantra a bit too far. These women now call the shots, and they’re proud of it. And they’re rapidly turning the tables on men in matters that have been our domain since time immemorial. These days it’s not a strange thing for a man to find himself being carried home as someone’s chips funga! Basically they’re outdoing us at our own game!!

Sospeter recalls with much anger and bitterness, the events of the previous weekend. He was due to meet some friends at a pub in Hurlingham. He was lucky to have beaten the Friday evening traffic and got there with about an hour to kill. After “officially opening the weekend” with his first Tusker, he looked around and spotted an attractive lady seated alone at the counter, looking very bored. So he decided to walk over and offer her some company.

He introduces himself to the lady, let’s call her Wilkista (yes, today it’s the full shady names!!) who seems least interested in meeting his acquaintance. She sizes him up from head to toe before lazily offering her hand in greeting. Sospeter offers to buy Wilky a drink, but he’s startled by her reply.

“Do I look like I can’t afford to buy one for myself?”

OUCH!! Ok, let’s try another approach. Sospeter asks if she would mind some company since she looks quite bored. Again she shoots him down.

“What gave you the remotest idea that I sat here with the sole intention of being hit on by lousy pricks such as yourself?”

Double ouch!! Seeing that things were elephant, Sospeter quietly retreated, tail between his legs.

Time flew and his friends joined him. They sat and had their drinks and muturas all evening, with Sospeter secretly stealing glances at Wilky, wondering what it was about him that she found so offensive. Did she have to be so rude? Ama her ninii is so fabulous that she pisses glitter ? Kwanza even her hair was probably chopped off some dead horse’s tail, she had on too much make up which was beginning to fade, and her long, red nails were obviously fake. Now she’s feeling sweet for who? Kubaff!!

Wilky on the other hand was feeling rather proud of herself for being so confident and showing Sospeter that she has no intention whatsoever of being anyone’s door mat. She’s a modern woman for christ’s sake!! But she did find him attractive though. Well dressed, neat, great physique and a charming smile. Mmm mmm mmm!!! She kept stealing glances in his direction as well. And knowing what a couple bottles of red wine do to her, she figured that he could do for the night.

Somehow Sospeter found himself somewhere near the counter (probably buying a scratchcard or cigarettes or something) and Wilky asked him if he was still interested in buying her that drink. Sospeter, a bit apprehensive after the madharau she showed him earlier on, tried to look unfazed and he took up the offer.

They talked, they flirted, they laughed for a while before Wilky asked him, point blank, whether he’d be interested in trying out some of her imported whiskey, which of course was in a cabinet in her apartment. And how could Sospeter refuse that offer?

Brethren!! We need to style the fcuk up!! When the deal is too good, think twice!! Legs don’t automatically part just like that!! There’s obviously a trap there!!! The next time a chic that you’ve just met propositions you, RUN for the hills!! And don’t look back!!

Wilky convinced him to leave his car at the pub and ride home in her new Nissan Sunny. By this time, Sospeter wasn’t thinking. They got in, drove to her tastefully furnished apartment in Kileleshwa, where they did have that whiskey that brought them there in the first place. Wilky was courteous enough to prepare him a polite meal, which they ate as they listened to some neo soul on her expensive Sony 5.1 home theatre system. Kweli this mama has taste.

Shortly afterwards she left for the bathroom…………

Why the hell am I beating about the bush when we all know where this is heading?

Yes they had sex! A lot of it! Very vigorous headboard banging sex. Sospeter adhered to Archer’s principle of playing it like a world cup final, combining it with Mwangi’s thoughts of “smackin’ it like you’re paying a mortgage on it!” Wilky on the other hand didn’t disappoint! She rode him as if he were the last camel in the sahara heading in the direction of the last remaining oasis.

And after that, they slept. Exhausted, but wrapped around each other in post coital bliss. Or did they?

The next morning Sospeter was rudely awoken by Wilky and ordered to make himself scarce before the neighbours awoke. No morning glory, no shower, no brushing of teeth, no breakfast, nothing. She threw him his clothes and a 500 bob note to catch a cab or a mathree back to whichever hole he crept out of. “Alaa? Kwani tulipigana usiku au vipi?” As we used to finish an insha back in class 8, papo hapo ndipo ilipodhihirika wazi kuwa Sospeter ndiye aliyekuwa chips funga.

Imagine how Sospeter was laughed at by his pals after he narrated his story! First of all the way she had pimad him at the bar. Then he agreed to be carried home as takeaway. Then he was kicked out before sunrise with a 500 bob tip like a cheap whore from Luthuli Avenue!! It doesn’t matter how great the sex was, but a woman just doesn’t treat you like this!!

So basically it seems as if the tables have turned on us poor men. Women these days are becoming more bold, they’re becoming better (or worse) playas than men have ever been. And they have no regrets about it considering the injustices that have been committed against women in the past. They’re proving that anything a man can do, a woman can do, if not better!

The vibe on that table ended with the men vowing to take back what’s theirs! These women have to be put back in their place! Tyra Banks, Oprah na Destiny’s Child wachomwe! This empowerment bullshit is going too far! There was even talk of men all over the country joining Maendeleo ya Wanaume so as to safeguard their rights!!

Boy, did I have quite a laugh!!

Another conversation which I happened to be part of (though I did more listening and laughing) featured a couple of these same young exec independent women fresh out of campus type chics telling us that they have no use for men completely. Apparently men have outlived their usefulness, and it’s only now that women have (grown the balls?) to fight back!

One chic’s logic is that since she’s making good money by herself, she doesn’t ever need a man to complete her. She’ll never need to rely on any man financially, why have a two minute man when you can have an Energizer powered dildo that can give far more mind blowing orgasms in two hours than a real man can give in a week. She doesn’t need a man for company since we’ve proved to be totally useless in emotional matters.

But she nearly killed me when she said this:

According to some magazine that she read, men will be extinct by the year 2050. Why? With increased technology, the only purpose that women need men for (i.e. providing good genes for their offspring) will have ceased to be a natural process, and will only take place artificially… at sperm banks. That way, men will cease to be relevant and they’ll all die off. No more war, world peace etc.

I laughed my ribs sore, the only question I managed to ask was where the hell they’d get the sperm from in that case!

The gender battles and sexual debates in Kenya will never cease to amaze me. With Kenyan men on one hand accusing Kenyan women of being materialistic, opportunistic leeches who have zero bedroom skills, and Kenyan women on the other hand accusing Kenyan men of being cheapskates, unsophisticated, unemotional, football crazy drunkards who provide no meaningful action to back their big talk.

Our women have decided to outsource (Congolese brothers with enough bling for two CMB Prezzo’s) and any white man *coughAfrifuckingkanersincludedcough!* leaving us men with no option but to head West!! And when we do that, they complain. When will all this end?

Random thoughts

Lemme be Aegeus for a minute and pose a few random thoughts of my own:

  1. Does Michael Joseph (Safaricom CEO) kusanya Bonga Points?
  2. Does the Celtel CEO (what’s his name? Huyo mse ako na meno fifty fae na zote ni yellow) eh, does he have a Safaricom line? Does he kusanya Bonga Points?
  3. Does Mwai Kibaki have a wallet? If so, how much money does he carry in it? And what does he use that money for?
  4. Doesn’t it suck big time when you meet your ex five years down the road, and she looks like $10 million IN CASH!!

What’s on my Playlist?

Love Foolosophy – Jamiroquai


Penguin look alike

The first time I saw the Nokia 6600 on CNN back in 2003, it was hailed as the most advanced mobile phone in the world. I remember the TV ads showing all the fancy applications that the phone had (forgetting that a good number of those applications are virtually useless in Africa!)

I fell in love with the 6600. To me, the 6600 was heaven! (Those days I had a 3310 aka Kenya uniform so you can understand the exitoz!) I told myself that one day I MUST get myself one (once the price came down to my range of affordability…. 50k plus when it first came out was too steep!)

Fast forward to December 23rd 2005, the price had come down to about 20k, and I decided to get it for Christmas. It’s be my 5th Nokia. My first phone was an Ericsson 2628, followed by a Nokia 8210, then a 3310, a 3510, another 3310, then the 6600.

The transaction itself was rather swift (we were on our way to shaggz and impatient family members were waiting in the car) I walked into the shop and said:

“Gimme a Nokia 6600, white and black”

“Sir, would you like to try the Motorola V3 Razr ?”

“No thanks. Motorolas are crap.”

“Sir, for just four thousand bob more you can get the Nokia…”

“No thanks, niko na exact.”

“For the same price you can get this latest Siemens….”

“Wee…mi nina haraka. Just gimme the 6600”

“Would you like a Safaricom line or a Celtel line?”

“I already have both, just get me the phone yawa!”

“Ok I’ll just give you a Safaricom line since…..”

“WOMAN!!!” *Waving fist!*

A minute later I exited the shop with the box in my hands, and a smile of satisfaction and contentment on my lips.

I don’t know why shop attendants always try to forcefully interest you in one thing when you’ve already made up your mind to buy something else. I know that most cellphone buyers first do reconnaissance visits to different shops, comparing prices and enquiring about warranties and the like. I’d done all that the previous week, (mpaka bargaining) and this shop had the lowest price for the 6600, and they offered a one year warranty.

Plus I’m a dude, we ALWAYS know what we want, and we go and get just that. Don’t try to change a man’s mind once he’s decided to get something. You’ll just be wasting your time.

Imagine my disappointment when I opened the box only to find that the 6600 comes without a bluetooth headset (an extra +/- 6000 bob), a (measly) 32MB memory card, no MP3 player AND NO BLOODY RADIO!!!

So what was all the fuss about the Nokia 6600? Most advanced mobile phone in the world? Useless!

The Nokia 6600 has served me well though over the last one year, five months and two weeks and a day. I’ve taken thousands of photos with its 0.3 megapixel camera, battled with CommWarrior virus, Beta tested tens of different free applications from www.getjar.com and www.mobile9.com, discovered the addictive nature of mobile internet via Opera Mini, chatted my thumbs sore (and cheated in a couple of exams as well) via Mxit, Morange, Reporo, Quick IM among others, switched off a projector in a packed pub during the Champions League Final via remote control, discovered loopholes in the mobile phone network to send hundreds of free international text messages to my ex…


…kwanza the things I did for that woman….I had a folder where I saved each and every single text that she ever sent me, right from the very first one, the days of “what exactly is your agenda with me? Am I just another of your hit and run victims?” to when the romance started, the flirting, the domez, the kiss and make ups, the angry texts from her shocked mother to whom I’d accidentally replied a steamy text (or 5), right up to the break-up. She always said that I was too attached to my phone, which was (IS) true. I mean, this is an ex-most advanced mobile phone in the world!! It’s like having a former Ms Universe (with an adequate sianda of course!) in your bed! Ama?

Anyway, the 6600 can hold up to 999 messages. The idea was to save all her texts, and when the memory was filled up, I’d give her the phone on our anniversary, as a gift that chronicles every step of our relationship. Sadly I didn’t get to 999, I only got to 652 texts. Shortly after we broke up, I read all the texts one by one (took more than an hour and a half) shed a tear or two (or six) selected ALL and clicked on delete.

The phone actually asked me TWICE


and when I clicked YES, it went like


Sadly, I was.

And after it was done deleting, it coughed, the screen went blank and it died. And my heart followed suit.

Yup. my penguin and I have been through a lot together. Sadly, the time is soon coming where we will have to part ways. You see, I know this phone inside out. I know all its shortcomings and they’re becoming more and more irritating by the day since all I think about is getting a phone that can fully satisfy all my needs.

What I like about the 6600:

1. It is a very durable phone, built tough, like a 3310. You can throw it down the stairs and it’ll still survive! (it has actually happened a couple of times, and I have a pal who threw his against the wall in a fit of rage. It died after he slammed it into the wall…the second time)

2. Internet capability is quite good, but can be better

3. Since it’s a Nokia Smartphone, one can open and work on several applications simultaneously.

4. Large screen that reduces the need to keep scrolling down when reading a long email or blog post.


5. It has an in-built manual (help files) that makes troubleshooting quite easy.

6. A wide range of free applications can work on it.

7. Very customizable i.e. themes and wallpapers, profiles.

What I don’t like about the 6600:

  1. It looks like a penguin!




Remember this fella?

Boyflani , word on the street has it that you are a fully paid up life member of the Pingu fan club. Dio ama raa?? (that’s a first round TKO, keti unywe maji baridi)

2. NO RADIO (internet radio streaming possible, but at a *hefty* price)

3. NO MP3 player (free MP3 player application downloads available on the internet)

4. Very small internal dictionary, I think you can only put in like 15 words!

5. 0.3 megapixel camera!! With a pathetique night mode.

6. Camcorder only records for 9 seconds (what the hell were they thinking? What on earth can one possibly record in 9 seconds??

7. Very small internal memory (6MB) which causes phone to hang frequently bila notice while using the internet. {Nokia – (Dis)connecting people?} The other day the bloody thing just went off and when it came back on, it had formatted the memory card! Luckily I had backed everything up onto my PC

8. Crap battery life. Didn’t the fellows at Nokia think that some people would want to use the internet for 20 hours nonstop? I think I need a uranium powered battery!

9. Calendar doesn’t auto update, which I think is the stupidest thing about the phone.

10. No MP3 ringtones.

11. 32 MB memory card.

12. No Data Cable, so moving one MP3 file from my PC via Bluetooth takes a little over 11 minutes!!

So my next phone should address these problems, but most importantly:

1. It MUST be a Nokia Smartphone. (Multi-tasking is very important once you’re used to it) Nothing else.

2. Bluetooth headset must come as standard equipment.

3. Internal memory should be over 32MB , with external memory of over 128MB as standard

4. Should have data cable compatibility

5. Should have 3G/EDGE/WiFi compatibility

5. Should have MP3 and Radio as standard. (Marcus and Chris should be listened to daily!! Those guys rock!!)

6. Should not be a flip phone.

6. Should have a 2.0 Megapixel (or above) camera with camcorder that can record for more then 9 seconds.

7. Price: should not cost more than 25k shillings.

There are too many new Nokia models in the market these days and it’s hard to keep abreast with all of them. I think these guys should have a checklist on the Nokia website where one can simply click on all the features that he needs, then all the phones that come closest should be listed. It just makes things easier.

PS: Nokia only. I’m not interested in any other make.

What’s on my playlist?

Lifted – Lighthouse Family

The following is an excerpt of a chat that I had with a blogger pal a few nights ago. (Don’t ask who coz I’m not telling!) Boredom, coupled with insomnia is a bad thing!! 

Me: WEWE!!

Her: ish  



Me: easy tu

just chilling 

I’m in bed waiting for usingizi to check in

Her: yeah…I’ve just ingiad and am tireed.

Psyching up to go swatch

Me: kwani you have to syke yourself to go swatch?

Her: aaah..ure ensconced hapo ndani?

Me: mi niko club duvet tayari but this bloody swatch isn’t coming!

Sifting through the aggregator lakini leo kumekauka mbaiiiya!

Her: it isssssss the most boring day..I feel u,

how was the rest of it though?

yeah..coz am fatigued bt my mind is elsewhere so I won’t swatch

Me: Equally as boring.

Didn’t fika jobo today

Fanyad laundry manually

Kusugua na nguvu

Took Sunki to the vet,

he sprained his mguu last night doing sijui what gymnastics

Her: had the day off as well?

sunkuli ni doggy??


Me: yeah that’s my dogi

Her: woiiiyeeeee how do dogs sprain legs?

Lol was it jumping over something and missed?

Me: now how am I supposed to know?

Sunki can be pretty dumb at times

kwanza you wouldn’t believe it but right now he’s got his coat stuck on a nail for the mlango for the kennel

Her: aaawww..so it’s kinda limping about and coat in mlango?? Poor thing

Me: He’s yelping yelping outside like a biatch zaaing

Her: si you go help eish unangoja?

Me: Are you nuts?

It’s 1:37am!!

Her: lol u’ll just lenga him like that? 

so..he’s your dog ain’t he…

woishe u don’t penda him enuff 😦

Me: I do! But I can’t chomoka outside now!

What if Mungiki are timing my diabz pale kwa fence?

Tena vile my bed is nice and warm!

Her: sawa…leave him out there…cold and in pain limping and crying

Me: Ajipange!

Si ni mwanaume!

He wasn’t named after a maasai for nothing!

Her: just go..rush out, help then rush in!

Umeenda ku help?

Me: eh…..well I’m thinking about it

Her: you’re wasting time thinkin…woiye



jus go 





u goin?

Me: ok ok ok woman I’m going!


Lakini now where are my clothes?

Her: hapo down

Me: ah

Her: Near the bed

Me: Sawa

Her: kwani you swatch nude?

Me: Bila. I swatch in boxers

kwanza za *action hero’s name censored!!*


Her: Umeziona?

Me: Ya  nazivaa saa hii

Utakuwa awake nikirudi?

Her: I’ll try to be

sawa…rush and rudi

Me: I’ll be chap chap.

Two minutes tu.

Chap chap kabla I’m beheaded

Let’s hope Mungiks bado wamezubaa

Her: sawasawa…nangoja.

Kimbia kanaumiaaaaaa

8 minutes

Me: I’m back now 

Kumbe ilikuwa kazi mob!!

Alafu kamenichafua!

Her: hehehe Danger Arch, dangeeeeeeer Aaaaaarch

umemset free?

Me: don’t mess nyako, me ni super hero!

Her: Eh?..is he safely aswatch?

Me: I’m sure he is by now.

Lazima amechoka

Stupid mongrel

Her: Woiyee wacha kumtusi

Me: kwani sasa ako na human rights?

Na ameifukuza usingizi tena permanently!

Najua leo silali

Her: lol hehehe si he has feelings yawa!


It’s about time that I introduced my pet dog Sunkuli


(Apparently he’s supposed to be a German Shepherd!!)

And just in case you’re wondering, yes he was named after that one Sunkuli that you all know. See, we got the dog soon after KANU were shafted in 2002 elections and subsequently dumped into the opposition, from where they currently pretend to be very concerned about the Constitution, press freedom and human rights! Surely, who are they trying to fool? The same guys who ruled for 40 years and milked the country dry and knew nothing about human rights! In fact I can’t comprehend how anyone can, in any honesty, be an ODM supporter!

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about my dog. His biatch’s name was Ruto. You get the drift.

I’ve mentioned severally in the past that I’ve had dog phobia (Kirima ebu please give us the scientific name) since I was a kid. Once I see a dog, my legs freeze, I start sweating all over, my fear becomes very evident, and the dogs have a field day chasing me around and munching my diabz. So I’d be the very last person you’d expect to see anywhere near a dog!! When we moved into our current digz four years ago, there was the need to take come security precautions, one of which was to invest in a mongrel or two. I wasn’t really down for the idea initially, but I had to give in. It’s called democracy. I lost the vote.

So one day, about a week after moving in, this random chap comes to the digz with two very healthy german shepherds on leashes, those things must have been fed on small boys and steroids! They were HUGE!!!! With their tongues sticking out and dripping goblets of saliva. I could tell they were fantasizing over my skwuoks and my thuthaz. The jamaa tells us that he’s a dog trainer, and those two are “samples” of the good work that he’s done for one of our neighbours. And if we could give him the “kibarua”, he’d source for a couple of healthy german shepherd puppies and train them, build them a kennel and what not. So we, knowing absolutely nothing about dogs and “knowing” that the jamaa is the professional, we gave him the “kibarua” to do just that.

A couple of days later there was a stranger in the compound. The stranger kept yelping all day. My curiosity led me to a thick bush and behind it lay this cute little puppy cowering in fear. All I could think of was that that tiny thing probably had some very big agendas…to munch my toes!!! So best believe that I ran in the opposite direction!!

Within days, the mutual fear subsided, we began to play around, and very soon Sunki and I became buddies, he loved being stroked (minds out of the gutter please! Mwas, 3N!) on the head, below the chin and on his belly. My pals thought we had an unusual relationship coz when I came home, Sunki would run over to me, lick my palms, then assume the position. Legs up with belly exposed. He wanted me to rub his belly with the sole of my shoe. After getting his daily dosage of “rubbz”, he’d run off and do whatever it is that dogs do in the bush.

A couple of weeks later, Bwana Kibarua returned with another “rotwerra na chamani shefati” crossbreed (apparently) puppy, this time a female (who was promptly named Ruto) They fought over territory for a while before coming to an understanding of their own.

The kennel was built (insert money here) all manner of shampoos and de-wormers were purchased (insert money here) all manner of dog feeds were purchased, including game meat from the Nairobi National Park (insert MONEY here!!) Of course the idiot had to be paid (insert money here)…..but the bloody mongrels just didn’t grow!

We asked the jamaa how come the dogs ain’t getting any bigger and he was like “sipatieko tu wakati sikuleko, sishipeko, alafu sitakueko kwansa fast bodi ya hii estate musima! Ata khale tu-mbwa nililetakho siku ile itakuwa inakochoa ikionako Sunkuli na Ruto kutoka mbali!” Sawa, you’re the mjuaji. Do your thing.

Let’s just put it this way. The mongrels didn’t grow, only Sunki benefited from the training, the dude ran away after extorting a lot of cash from us, kumbe alikuwa ametuletea mbwa koko!!! German Shepherd nutting!! Rottweiller my ass!! You know those dogs that hawkers sell pale Westlands near the Mall and Sarit Centre in small cartons? The stray things you find in the shagz where they’re all called either Simba or Tusker, or occasionally Taika!! (Tiger!) Baaas! Ni hao!

Then when they matured, all they did was shag, shag and shag, getting stuck and wailing the whole night, getting preggers and littering the compound with more unwanted KANU offspring which we had to somehow get rid of (for free, coz who wants to buy a mbwa koko?)

Then later Ruto brought too much siasa so one day we just opened the gate and told her to scatter!! Sunki has never been the same without his ka thweeetie. B train for three years strong! But that’s life.

Sunki and I have a very interesting understanding. Back in the day when I used to sneak out of the digz at 1am to have a smoke, he’d run to the pavement behind the house where I was, he’d sit next to me and listen to my problems. Someone please define dog breath!!  He’s got the same taste as I do in women (he loves healthy, well rounded posteriors!) And sometimes he’s also been very useful in chasing away owners of said thuthas when they refused to co-operate! He’s chased away a thug or three. He’s been sick to the point of near death and survived just as I was about to organize a funeral committee. Tumetoka mbali jo!

And I just gotta say, Me I Love Sunki Regardless!! (MILOSURE!!)

*I’ve always wanted to jack Milo’s lingo. Hehehehehe!! Pole dadii!*


future finance minister

This brilliant young man made my day last Thursday. Who watched KTN news? And yes, he’s addressing a “press conference” in Finance Minister Amos Kimunya’s Office, hours before Kimunya was due to present the Budget speech in Parliament.  To put it lightly, the young lad put Kimunya on notice and informed him that he’s got his eyes firmly fixed on his (Kimunya’s) job! Said lad earned himself a thunderous foot thumping in Parliament later on (for once a good number our parliamentarians stayed awake throughout the budget speech) and later had afternoon tea with President Kibaki.

Kudos, son! You are a leader of tomorrow. Just pray that Kimunya won’t still be in Parliament when you’re old enough to take over his current job!!

What’s on my playlist?

Maxwell – Drown deep Hula

First things first, both WordPress  has refused to upload some photos that I took last weekend, so you’ll find my latest post HERE on my old blog.

I’ve got a couple of questions that require the counsel of the wise, the thoughtful, the creative and the romantic.

1. You’ve found yourself in a situation where you can only do one of two things. One, proceed with caution. Two, retreat. It’s one of those situations where logic tells you “Boss, enyewe hapo siwezi kukusaidia!” and your guts tell you that even though the chances of succeeding are not exactly the best, it’s worth a try since you’re venturing into territory that you’ve never te before.

What to do, proceed with caution and risk failure, or retreat and spare yourself the embarrassment of failure?

I know that life isn’t worth living if one doesn’t take a risk every now and then, but is it worth taking a risk when you already know your chances of success are not that high?

2. (Unrelated to #1 above) Eh…. this is a hard one. I’m almost embarrassed to ask!How does one go about asking out a chile? I know it sounds funny but firstly, I’ve been out of the game for a very long time now. Secondly, the last time that I SUCCESSFULLY asked someone out was way back in 2002 (and we went out for three years after that) and I’ve got rejected every other time since!

So normally what I do is that I let things follow their natural progression, without making things official, and when asked “Are you guys going out?” I turn to the chile and let her answer that question! It spares me the embarrassment!

So let’s see the true romantics out there. I need creative (but private) ideas. I don’t do PDA so forget ideas of sijui singing and all that nonsense.

A free beer if your idea bags the woman!

What’s on my Playlist?

Ordinary People – John Legend

Thanks everyone for sharing the information about the diferent Jazz nights in Nairobi. Last weekend I was on a mission to experience a couple of them. I intended to fika Psys on Thursday night, but the heavy rain coupled with mechanical problems, plus the fact that it coincided with Methu’s birthday bash at the Carnivore meant that I couldn’t make it! I also missed the Carni plan (pole bro, I’ll be there for your 1021st birthday next year!)

Sunday night found me calling Modo to ask whether he’d be there for Jazz night at Tamasha (since he raised the idea on my comments page) but he was somewhere detoxing after the long weekend. Unyc had informed me that she’d be there so we made a plan to link up.

9:45pm found me walking into Tamasha, and I was quite surprised that the place was packed! I didn’t know that jazz nights are this big in Nairobi. I expected to find a chilled out joint, considering the fact that it was Sunday night and people have work to attend on Monday morning. But I also know that Nairobians love to enjoy their weekends right up to the very last minute. But the crowd up in there was relatively mature, mostly guys in their mid 20s to late thirties. No tois in belts masquerading as miniskirts, others looking like a cross between Chingy/50Cent and R. Kelly jumping up and down to silly hip hop music. This is quite a plan if you want to enjoy yourself with a mature crowd.

Trying to find Unyc was quite a task, until she sent me a text telling me to look out for “a lady in beige sitting at the bar looking pretty and very lonely.” That was the easy part since her description was right on point. I’m surprised that there were no hawks swooping around! Chic, kwani did you tell them that you’re a divorced, feminist mother of three? I know fewer words that would send Kenyan men scampering for safety. Divorced? FEMINIST!? Three kids? Nice meeting ya! Goodbye.

I spent the next few hours trying to convince, coerce, cajole, sweet-talk, seduce, implore, katia, inveigle, palaver, coax (and many other big words that I’m yet to learn) Unyc to gimme a good role in her new Riverwood blockbuster (since there are some malicious characters trying to convince her otherwise!) But it seems that our minds were not in sync so hapo niliambulia patupu! The cow has refyOOOOOzed! 

Ok back to the music. The jazz was really good, but the mood of the place was a bit too uptempo for the music, you’d have thought that this was Saturday night at Buffet Park just hapo in the backyard. The live band came on for the second time (I’d missed their first rao) but they were quickly hijacked by some guys who sang happy birthday (the full kyuk version – complete with instrumental) for their pal. Everyone in the pub joined in and that made for quite a comical moment right there. I’m sure you all know the version I’m talking about, sivyo?

Happe baaaaaaathidei dear Maikooo, (HAAAAAAAAAPPE!!!) Happe baaaaaaathidei dear MaaaaiiiikOOOOO  May you haaaaaaave many many mooooooooore (MEEEENEEEEE!!!)May you have menemenemOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Punde si punde jazz night was turned into Karaoke night. Actually, it was turned into KARIUKI night as several kyuk numbers were played mfululizo, and it was left for the out-numbered non kyuks in the house such as myself and my buddy to look so out of place, clapping along like Biwott at a church function.  The highlight of the night was when Carol Atemi took to the stage and did a jazz rendition of several songs (I can’t remember them all by name coz by that time I was already under the influence – a few beers on an empty stomach is definitely not a good idea!) But I do remember her doing “My boy lollipop” by Millie Smalls. And trust people to chuck a Kenyanized remix

“My mboy rorripop, you make my heart ngOOOOO ngeedyup! You set my heart on FAIIIIIIIYAA! You AAA my wan ndizaIIIIIIYAAAAAA!”

Good times (Movie Buff 2006) I tell you!  

But I digress. Carol’s singing was fantabulous, backed up by Chris Bitok and his band on the instrumentals. I must admit that the first time I heard about Carol Atemi was the same Sunday afternoon when Capital played a neo-soul track of hers, fused with some kiswahili….that song is too beautiful! I don’t know the name of the song though. I asked her about it, she told me (I forgot…again!) But she says she has an album coming out in September this year. Best believe I’m a buy that! Look out for it.

A couple of other “celebs” were around, Edward Kwach ensconced in a corner looking very depressed. Dude has a big head I tell you. Very large, you’d think it’s a watermelon. DNA the one hit wonder (for now) was there feeling all hot with his “stunners”…I’ll never understand what it is with “celebs” wearing shades at NIGHT….INSIDE A BUILDING!! That’s just being a shagzmodo!!

There are a lot of other details about the night that I’ve left out, (inebriated, remember?) But I know that somehow Kariuki night became old school night.

Kui had suggested that I check out a certain venue at the Village Market that has a live band on occasion, usually on Fridays. I thought you meant The Cork (my second local, sadly it closed down some time last year) they used to have a very good live band on Sunday evenings.

There’s Dormans Rhythm Bar that has Jazz nights every Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings. (Kui, is that the one you had in mind?) Dormans is a very cosy uptown pub/coffee shop, very tastefully furnished. It looks like something straight out of Jo’burg or Cape Town. I lack the words to do any justice to the decor, so just check out this sample photo that I took at the stairs.

Rag at Dormans

You get the idea, no?

I’m no EGM or Mocha or (lately) Aegeus so forgive the picture quality. That’s 0.3 megapixel photography courtesy of my rusty Nokia 6600. Just aim and shoot. Hiyo tu. Dormans have Double Take band (Chris Bitok and Mwai) performing there every Friday from 9pm, and they have other invited bands who perform on Saturday and Sunday nights from 8pm.

The down side to Dormans is that it usually closes quite early on most days, (yesterday they were closing at 7pm!) maybe their prices are not too welcoming. (150 bob for a beer!!) So it’s not the kind of place where you can check into for a cup of coffee after work on your way home. It’s also quite snobbish, well, it’s got to be if their main clientele includes expatriates and UN employees. Not a place for the common middle class mwananchi. You only go there if you’ve got some serious cash to blow (i.e two beers, pushed veeeeery slowly!)

So now you know where to find me on Sunday nights, ama?

What’s on my Playlist? 

Only the loot – R. Kelly