This… 

*Looking around mi casa* It’s been quite a while since I wrote anything up in here! Sheesh!! It’s called blogger’s block which I think is a very serious affliction to which much funding for research is required. Then somehow the syke to blog comes in from nowhere and you find yourself up at 3:14 am dashing to the PC to type out your thoughts pronto before the syke goes away and before the ideas evaporate from your mind. Then I had two posts that I intended to put up last week but they both contained several audio clips which I was not able to upload due to some technical difficulties, (it’s the widgets stupid!!) thus making it pointless to put up the posts without the audio clips. As soon as I can upload the audio clips, I’ll put up the two posts. By the way, if you’ve missed the widgets joke up there, you’ve missed the bus. 

First things first, it really was my birthday on 1st April. I wasn’t pulling anyone’s leg. But for the benefit of our good friend Kirima, (read his comments on the previous post) lemme tell y’all a brief story that was told to me a few years ago. On the good day that I arrived in this world, the doctors called my dad at his office (trust the man to be at work) and told him that his wife had delivered a bouncing baby boy. Guy was like “Haha! Nice joke!” and promptly hang up. They called again with the same message and he replied “listen, it’s already past noon so quit with the April Fools jokes. I’m a very busy man with a lot of work to do”. So the doctor decided to call him the next day and good old dad was like “Haaaiiiiyaaaa!! You were serious?! I’m on my way!!” (Don’t ask why he didn’t know that in the first place. It’s a long story) 

Last week my mum commented that my chin has started to sag and that I’ve put on a lot of weight. I dismissed the thought casually coz the mirror has yet to reflect anything extraordinary. A couple of days later I decided to weigh myself and the figures that I saw were (positively) surprising!! 87.5 kilos!! The last time I weighed myself was in December shortly before I left South Africa and I was at 73 kilos. That means that I’ve gained a massive 14.5 kilos (32 pounds) in 4 months! That’s actually good news for me since I’ve always hated being on the skinny side, and it also means that South Africa was bad for my health. What, with being constantly on the run from stupid Afrikaners and their blunt death threats. Anyway, just 2.5 more kilos and I’ll hit the gym. Gotta build me some muscle!

That…

What is it with us Kenyans and making a big deal out of things that really add no benefit to our lives? Take for example Raila Odinga’s new Hummer H2 which has been the talk of town, with facts about it’s cost and features being blown out of proportion. I won’t get into that though. Everyone knows a Hummer is a cheap piece of substandard quality American workmanship. But now, Raila flew to Nyanza (minus the Hummer) and the locals, upon hearing that he was in the area, flocked to catch a glimpse of his new toy but shock on their diabz! Hummer nutting! And they didn’t hesitate to voice their anger at his not bringing the Hummer “home”. WTF??  Then, Raila went over to his Kibera constituency with the American ambassador and a few other people to open some dispensary or plant a tree or something. Kibera residents came out in their thousands to welcome their MP chanting “Nyundo! Nyundo!” as if any of them will ever set foot in the Hummer!

Another idiot suggested in the papers last week that since ODM-Kenya had been denied the right to use the orange as their party symbol, that they should use the Hummer as their party symbol. I wish I could find that idiot. Haki ya nani I’d stuff a boot up his rear end. That’s classic stupidity.  

This is why we keep voting idiots into Parliament every 5 years! Because we’re more concerned about the petty side shows than the issues at hand.

The other day Stanley “Mr Moneybags” Livondo (he of the cash dropping from helicopter fame) was in Imenti North for a fundraising hosted by area MP and former Finance Minister Daudi Mwiraria. After the harambee, Mwiraria informed locals that they’d see much more of Mr Moneybags in the days to come and apologised coz he didn’t come in his helicopter. So a personal helicopter will raise my standard of living how exactly? Will I now wipe my arse with silk coz you came over to my backyard in a helicopter? Are we going to elect someone to parliament simply coz he’s got a helicopter? Who even knows whether the bloody helicopter belongs to Livondo in the first place! Maybe it’s hired. Who’s bothered to ask what this dude does for a living and where all the cash came from? 

Why is it that no one questions how exactly the ODM Kenya presidential aspirants intend to finance their elaborate ideas that they talk about during the launch of their so-called “Visions”? One talks about providing free secondary education to all. Care to tell us how you’ll finance that? Another one talks about equitable distribution of resources. Care to tell us how you’re going to go about that? Someone else talks about free healthcare for all, ensuring that the economy grows by more than 10% per annum, reducing insecurity, bloody “nitawaletea mifereji ya maziwa” but instead of sitting there and clapping amid the pomp, glamour and fanfare, why doesn’t anyone question how exactly these presidential aspirants plan to go about putting their fancy plans into action? 

Does anyone question where these political parties receive their funding?  Another thing that pisses me off is shoddy and sensationalist reporting by newspaper journalists. We live in the 21st century, the age of technology where, with the internet, anything is possible. I’m sure that every journalist, especially those at major newspaper houses, has access to the internet. But someone can foolishly publish an article about Raila’s “45 million shilling Hummer H2″ without bothering to search online for the Hummer website and confirming the cost? How ignorant or stupid do you think we are? How foolish does that journalist feel now that he’s been caught out? 

And the other… 

Then comes this Winnie Wangui Mwai character, daughter of “Narc-Kenya activist” Mary Wambui and soon to be Mrs. Jon B…….sorry, Mrs. Margaryan. While in SA, I was following the story about the Armenians and all the havoc they caused in
Kenya. I read several newspaper articles about reports that “linked Margaryan to the stunningly beautiful/ strikingly attractive daughter of a Narc Kenya activist.” I’d never seen her photo before. She was on tv the other day talking about her love affair with Margaryan. I was in such a state of disbelief upon seeing her that I spat out the morsel of food in my mouth! Strikingly attractive you say? Stunningly beautiful? WTF? What scale were these journalists using to measure her “beauty”? Nyaguthii the bar maid down at the local?

If Wangui can be labelled as strikingly/stunningly beautiful, then surely that’s a diss of the highest order to all Kenyan women. She’s nowhere near that. She’s strikingly average. In fact, she’s SUPER average. It’s obvious that opulence certainly doesn’t necessarily come hand in hand with class. Wangui dresses like a mboch, and that bright “fcuk me red” lipstick and matching nail polish on long fake plastic fingernails certainly do her no favours coz the contrast against her dark skin is so…..bad! Then with all the bright gold bangles, rings, and all manner of jewellery….that’s just plain tacky. Her mother should have sent her to a Swiss finishing school to learn some style. Plus she thinks that she’s so important that she should shout from the top of the hills that she’s marrying Margaryan, like DO WE (as M would say) GIVE A FLYING RAT’S ASS?! Hell no! Toka na uende! Bure kabisa! 

How this story made it to the front page of the Standard, I won’t even ask. 

Which brings me to something else that is related to the Wangui story. Now that Kenyan women have (apparently) decided that Kenyan men are not good enough for them due to our numerous shortcomings (that’s such a bad word), a good number have decided that “outsourcing” of men is the way forward. I asked a question in a previous post but no one gave a satisfactory response, and I’d appreciate one today. The article in Sunday Standard by Jeeh Wanjurah said that  

…how a nation’s men allow foreigners to snatch prized daughters without demur speaks volumes about their chivalry. Serious men strive to own their women – at least the best girls and never mind by what measure. If a community marries off to foreign lands all its good maidens, it is probably more out of social malaise and courtship limitations than hospitality and love for integration…” 

and again I ask, what are we as Kenyan men meant to deduce from this? That we are not being protective enough over our women? (Over and above our other “shortcomings”) What can be done about this? Should we be happy every time one of our sisters comes home with a foreigner bearing cows and goats? But again, I agree with Wanjurah over the “prized daughters” and “good maidens” and “retain at all costs” bit. But look at the public figures who’ve decided to outsource for men. Bishop Margaret Wanjiru, Nini Wacera and now “Ms Mboch” Wangui Mwai. Surely, can these specimens be classified as “good maidens or prized daughters?” worth retaining at all costs? Hell naw! I say good riddance!! Wakwende kabisa!! 

A.O.B 

Is it just me or does NTV’s Peninah (Ni)Karib(i)e have only three outfits? I know she’s just the weather girl but surely…NTV give the chic some clothes! and does she say Fuookarst instead of forecast? Has anyone else heard NTV’s news anchor Basket Pasuka (ok really, what’s his name?) Say “buurt” instead of “but”? 

What’s on my playlist? 

1. Temporary Night – Maxwell 

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