April 2007

I know that some people must be wondering what I was rambling on about in my previous post.  

On Tuesday evening, someone hacked into my blog and edited one of my previous posts and re-published it, while including a paragraph of not-so-pleasant things about a certain KBW member. The grammar was rather shoddy and one wouldn’t have found it hard to realize that it wasn’t me who wrote that paragraph. 

The issue about the post was brought to my attention when a certain blogger pal called me at midnight shortly after the post went up, and he asked me what I’d been smoking, so as to write such a thing on my blog. I was in shock, because the last time I was anywhere near a PC was some time last week when I last posted an article on this blog. I was even more surprised when went online on my cellphone, clicked onto my blog and read the post, because I for sure didn’t write it! Unless someone can convince me that I was sleep-posting between 11:45pm and 12:00 am, which in my case is highly unlikely. 

So how did someone hack into my blog? Well, I’d given out my password to two different parties to make some necessary modifications after I set up this blog, since I wasn’t very conversant with WordPress. I just forgot to change the password when they were done, which clearly was my mistake. One of these parties is supposed to be trusted and above suspicion, while the other is a blogger pal who I trust and regularly ask for assistance with WordPress related problems whenever they arise. Somehow this person got hold of my password (how that leaked, I’d very much like to know) and used that opportunity to cause mayhem. 

Whoever is responsible for this malicious act is trying to stoke the embers of past beefs in KBW by launching an attack on a certain KBW member, while trying to make me look responsible for that, as well as trying to get me removed from KBW. The same person has been playing both sides against the middle and creating issues that don’t exist. 

This person also attempted a hostile takeover of my blog by changing my password and my email address. It’s good to want to be me. Imitation is the best form of flattery. But there’s only enough room for one Archer, and for the moment, I’m he. 

My advice to this individual is this, find something better to do with your time. Read a book, sleep, take a walk, or get off the B train and find someone to dance the horizontal rhumba (Kipepeo 2007) with. Coz surely, impersonating Archer at that hour of the night? I wouldn’t be surprised if the suspect has a big sticker at the back of his/her car written “When I grow up I wanna be just like Archer!” 

(yes I’m full of myself…so what else is new?)

What’s on my playlist?   

Impartial – Mattafix        


If you think this post is about you, then it probably is. Unajijua.

So you thought you’re so bright, eh? Thought you could hack into Archer’s blog, write some nonsense up in here while impersonating Archer himself, trying to change my password and my email address thus denying Archer access to his own blog? Very intelligent!! In fact, this is just for you.

Clap clap clap!

You stupid fucking by product of a failed abortion! Guess what, your plan failed!

A good attempt though, I must admit that you had me there for a minute.

First things first, I’m surprised that I can still type out a post with a fractured left wrist. It’s nothing serious though, just a hairline fracture, should be ok in about a week or so.  

I was in hospital on Sunday afternoon to have the x-rays done and the doctor, a very comely young lady by the way, asked what happened. (Um¼obviously I fell!) I couldn’t tell her that that was an injury sustained during a heated session of sexual acrobatics with a jaluo woman (our sisters from the lakeside tend to be very….eh…. enthusiastic) so I made up a story and told her that I slipped on a patch of cooking oil that had spilled on the kitchen floor. Her reply: “See? This is what happens when men convince themselves that they can cook! Why don’t you just leave that to the professionals?”  

Hmm¼I suspect that that’s an indirect challenge to me to demonstrate my culinary skills for her, ama what do you guys think? They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Does the same apply to women in any way? (don’t tell me about flowers and chocolate and poetry and diamonds etc) What happens when a man cooks a fantastic meal for a woman? Then after that, probably we could get round to fracturing the other wrist!! 


There are some things that happen in life that make you wonder what the fcuk one is meant to think or do.  

(Disclaimer: the following situation does not necessarily relate to me, so quit looking at me like that!) 

Let’s assume that you’re involved in a CSA (Convenient Strokes Arrangement) with this chic who wants more than what you’re prepared to offer her (in terms of a relationship) So one fine morning after a night of good strokes, chic has left the digz and you’re now cleaning up. Ok we all know that condoms don’t flush down the toilet so the best way to dispose of them is to wrap them in toilet paper and throw that in the trash. So while taking out the trash, you find the TP you’d wrapped the juala in lying on the floor right next to the bin, and upon closer inspection you find that the juala has been turned inside out¼and it’s empty! Yaani it’s had the fuck shaken out of it! And you know for sure that you didn’t shoot blanks the previous night (or that morning for that matter!) WTF is a dude supposed to think? What could the heffa possibly have done with the juala¼and a few millions of your finest soldiers? There are a few Mathare escapees on the loose….. 


With all these Kenyan companies coming up with very expensive promotions to market their products using sheng’ so as to appeal to the masses, most with very “enthusiastic” terminology, let’s assume that Trust Condoms came up with some new brands (studded, ribbed, bareback, extra lubricated, fruit flavoured etc) just what would they name their “Win a million shillings” promotion? I hope not:  

Mnyanduano mwenye fanaka!! Shinda shilingi milioni moja na Trust Condoms! 

PS: does the bolding look familiar? Seen this somewhere? 




So, apart from soccer, there was also Formula 1 action over the weekend at the Malaysian Grand Prix at Sepang.

Ferrari’s Felipe Massa blew a starting pole position to allow both McLaren Mercedes of reigning world champion Fernando Alonso and rookie driver Lewis Hamilton to pass, and thus he and team-mate Kimi Raikkonen spent the rest of the race trying to catch up.

Hamilton Leads Raikkonen
Hamilton keeps Kimi Raikkonen at bay

McLaren Mercedes scored a one two victory, with defending World Champion Fernando Alonso taking the victory thus giving McLaren Mercedes their first victory since October 2005, and followed by 22 year old Lewis Hamilton, who also produced the fastest lap of the race.

This kid is really impressing me! I didn’t want to comment much after his third place finish at Melbourne a few days ago coz I figured that might have been his lucky day. But after keeping “The Iceman” Kimi Raikkonen firmly behind him and coming in second at Sepang, I’m starting to see real potential in the chap. Lewis is incredibly gifted and clearly McLaren Mercedes have found themselves a future world champion here. McLaren Mercedes team boss Ron Dennis should make this guy sign a lifetime contract!!

Read more about Lewis Hamilton here

Lewis Hamilton

Lewis Hamilton

But trust the British press to create so much un-necessary hype that creates un-necessary pressure on poor Hamilton. Can’t you guys just let him drive? Now they expect him to win the British Grand Prix later in the season. He’s being touted as the next British world champion since Bunson Jetton (how does this man get laid with a name like that?) clearly isn’t going anywhere in a hurry. The British press is notorious for creating tons of hype around a new found talent, therefore setting him/her up for a fall, and best believe the same British press will be there to splash the nasty details on the front pages once the star slips. Remember Wayne Rooney and the 2006 World Cup?

And what’s with the emphasis on Hamilton’s race? It’s been said that perhaps he’s Formula 1’s version of Tiger Woods! Who cares if he’s black or half this half that? It’s not his skin colour that’s doing the driving! He’s an incredibly talented young man with immense potential to be World Champion one day. Let’s leave his race out of this! It’s irrelevant! Give him time to grow, make mistakes, learn from them and I’m sure that he’ll deliver eventually.

Anyway, I like how the new season is shaping up. Keep it up, Fernando and Lewis!! I’m already seeing a constructor’s title this season.

Fernando & Lewis celebrate

Fernando and Lewis celebrate their one – two

I know there aren’t many Formula 1 fans out there, but at least I’m assured that Bankelele and Adrian are somewhere reading this.

What’s on my playlist?

Automatic – Johnny Gill

I’m using the term “great” very loosely here coz it would only be a great sporting weekend depending on which side of the fence your bum is planted. If you’re a Manchester United, Arsenal or Ferrari fan, poleni sana. No great sporting weekend for you. If you’re a Chelsea FC fan (Farmgal! Niaje niaje?) or a McLaren Mercedes fan, then definitely the weekend was great.

First things first. Premiership leaders Manchester United lost ground to defending champions Chelsea FC after dropping three valuable points to Portsmouth. Chelsea on the other hand beat Tottenham Hotspurs 1:0 at Stamford Bridge. Arsenal……ah, your story is over. There’s nothing of significance that any gooner is telling anyone until next season so y’all best shut up!

Last night’s Champions League fixture was another story altogether! Manchester United….why lie, bow down, bow down, bow down. Maximum respect! These fellows came back from a 2:1 aggregate and hammered AS Roma 7:1 at Old Trafford!!

Chelsea managed to overturn a first half lead by Valencia to beat them 2:1 at their so called “iron fortress” of a stadium. What nonsense!

As for today’s match between Liverpool and PSV Eindhoven, I think that’s just a formality. All that Liverpool has to do is show up at Anfield. And the rest is history.

A word of caution to both teams,

First, Manchester United. We still have a premiership game in hand at Stamford Bridge later next month (and probably the FA Cup final), at a stadium that’s almost half the size of your beloved “Theatre of Dreams” and has even less history. But we’re proud of the little that we have. We’re unbeaten in 80 Premiership matches at Stamford Bridge, and Manchester United have a poor record against Chelsea in the last few years, so if y’all think you’ll come to school us at home, FORGET IT!! Remember last season’s corresponding fixture where we not only thrashed you 3:0 and ran away with the Premiership trophy, but we sent Ricardo Carvalho up on Wayne Rooney and you don’t need me to remind you who came out the worse. I’m informed that Carvalho and Terry have been reviewing that video very carefully. So you best warn Shrek Rooney not to show his ugly face in our penalty area or else!! Another thing is that with an aged goalkeeper like Van der Sar who can’t stop a decent shot without sending it right back to the opponent’s striker to shoot in the rebound, and the blundering Rio Ferdinand, it would be an ill advised move to come to Stamford Bridge in that condition. Tutawararua vilivyo. Second, Liverpool FC, y’all know we got beef between us. Not about Community Shield earlier this season, that was a small cup. We’re not bothered about it. We still have a score to settle over the 2005 Champions League semi final whereLiverpool’s controversial goal sent them (rather undeservedly) into the final. Photographs and videos released by UEFA after the match show that the ball DID NOT cross over the line, but was cleared by William Gallas. But that’s soccer, human error is part of the game. Liverpool DID NOT deserve to go into that final, but they surely deserved to win once they got there and I’ll give them full respect for that. No other team on earth could have done what Liverpool did that night in Istanbul. But debts are debts and we’re here to collect ours in full!!

Where are the Man U fans? Kirima and Mwangi? Say something! Liverpudlians, kina Acolyte, Bantu, say something!! Arsenal fans, you know yourselves, may I again remind you to shut up!!

What’s on my playlist?

Shake your body (down to the ground) – Michael Jackson


*Looking around mi casa* It’s been quite a while since I wrote anything up in here! Sheesh!! It’s called blogger’s block which I think is a very serious affliction to which much funding for research is required. Then somehow the syke to blog comes in from nowhere and you find yourself up at 3:14 am dashing to the PC to type out your thoughts pronto before the syke goes away and before the ideas evaporate from your mind. Then I had two posts that I intended to put up last week but they both contained several audio clips which I was not able to upload due to some technical difficulties, (it’s the widgets stupid!!) thus making it pointless to put up the posts without the audio clips. As soon as I can upload the audio clips, I’ll put up the two posts. By the way, if you’ve missed the widgets joke up there, you’ve missed the bus. 

First things first, it really was my birthday on 1st April. I wasn’t pulling anyone’s leg. But for the benefit of our good friend Kirima, (read his comments on the previous post) lemme tell y’all a brief story that was told to me a few years ago. On the good day that I arrived in this world, the doctors called my dad at his office (trust the man to be at work) and told him that his wife had delivered a bouncing baby boy. Guy was like “Haha! Nice joke!” and promptly hang up. They called again with the same message and he replied “listen, it’s already past noon so quit with the April Fools jokes. I’m a very busy man with a lot of work to do”. So the doctor decided to call him the next day and good old dad was like “Haaaiiiiyaaaa!! You were serious?! I’m on my way!!” (Don’t ask why he didn’t know that in the first place. It’s a long story) 

Last week my mum commented that my chin has started to sag and that I’ve put on a lot of weight. I dismissed the thought casually coz the mirror has yet to reflect anything extraordinary. A couple of days later I decided to weigh myself and the figures that I saw were (positively) surprising!! 87.5 kilos!! The last time I weighed myself was in December shortly before I left South Africa and I was at 73 kilos. That means that I’ve gained a massive 14.5 kilos (32 pounds) in 4 months! That’s actually good news for me since I’ve always hated being on the skinny side, and it also means that South Africa was bad for my health. What, with being constantly on the run from stupid Afrikaners and their blunt death threats. Anyway, just 2.5 more kilos and I’ll hit the gym. Gotta build me some muscle!


What is it with us Kenyans and making a big deal out of things that really add no benefit to our lives? Take for example Raila Odinga’s new Hummer H2 which has been the talk of town, with facts about it’s cost and features being blown out of proportion. I won’t get into that though. Everyone knows a Hummer is a cheap piece of substandard quality American workmanship. But now, Raila flew to Nyanza (minus the Hummer) and the locals, upon hearing that he was in the area, flocked to catch a glimpse of his new toy but shock on their diabz! Hummer nutting! And they didn’t hesitate to voice their anger at his not bringing the Hummer “home”. WTF??  Then, Raila went over to his Kibera constituency with the American ambassador and a few other people to open some dispensary or plant a tree or something. Kibera residents came out in their thousands to welcome their MP chanting “Nyundo! Nyundo!” as if any of them will ever set foot in the Hummer!

Another idiot suggested in the papers last week that since ODM-Kenya had been denied the right to use the orange as their party symbol, that they should use the Hummer as their party symbol. I wish I could find that idiot. Haki ya nani I’d stuff a boot up his rear end. That’s classic stupidity.  

This is why we keep voting idiots into Parliament every 5 years! Because we’re more concerned about the petty side shows than the issues at hand.

The other day Stanley “Mr Moneybags” Livondo (he of the cash dropping from helicopter fame) was in Imenti North for a fundraising hosted by area MP and former Finance Minister Daudi Mwiraria. After the harambee, Mwiraria informed locals that they’d see much more of Mr Moneybags in the days to come and apologised coz he didn’t come in his helicopter. So a personal helicopter will raise my standard of living how exactly? Will I now wipe my arse with silk coz you came over to my backyard in a helicopter? Are we going to elect someone to parliament simply coz he’s got a helicopter? Who even knows whether the bloody helicopter belongs to Livondo in the first place! Maybe it’s hired. Who’s bothered to ask what this dude does for a living and where all the cash came from? 

Why is it that no one questions how exactly the ODM Kenya presidential aspirants intend to finance their elaborate ideas that they talk about during the launch of their so-called “Visions”? One talks about providing free secondary education to all. Care to tell us how you’ll finance that? Another one talks about equitable distribution of resources. Care to tell us how you’re going to go about that? Someone else talks about free healthcare for all, ensuring that the economy grows by more than 10% per annum, reducing insecurity, bloody “nitawaletea mifereji ya maziwa” but instead of sitting there and clapping amid the pomp, glamour and fanfare, why doesn’t anyone question how exactly these presidential aspirants plan to go about putting their fancy plans into action? 

Does anyone question where these political parties receive their funding?  Another thing that pisses me off is shoddy and sensationalist reporting by newspaper journalists. We live in the 21st century, the age of technology where, with the internet, anything is possible. I’m sure that every journalist, especially those at major newspaper houses, has access to the internet. But someone can foolishly publish an article about Raila’s “45 million shilling Hummer H2″ without bothering to search online for the Hummer website and confirming the cost? How ignorant or stupid do you think we are? How foolish does that journalist feel now that he’s been caught out? 

And the other… 

Then comes this Winnie Wangui Mwai character, daughter of “Narc-Kenya activist” Mary Wambui and soon to be Mrs. Jon B…….sorry, Mrs. Margaryan. While in SA, I was following the story about the Armenians and all the havoc they caused in
Kenya. I read several newspaper articles about reports that “linked Margaryan to the stunningly beautiful/ strikingly attractive daughter of a Narc Kenya activist.” I’d never seen her photo before. She was on tv the other day talking about her love affair with Margaryan. I was in such a state of disbelief upon seeing her that I spat out the morsel of food in my mouth! Strikingly attractive you say? Stunningly beautiful? WTF? What scale were these journalists using to measure her “beauty”? Nyaguthii the bar maid down at the local?

If Wangui can be labelled as strikingly/stunningly beautiful, then surely that’s a diss of the highest order to all Kenyan women. She’s nowhere near that. She’s strikingly average. In fact, she’s SUPER average. It’s obvious that opulence certainly doesn’t necessarily come hand in hand with class. Wangui dresses like a mboch, and that bright “fcuk me red” lipstick and matching nail polish on long fake plastic fingernails certainly do her no favours coz the contrast against her dark skin is so…..bad! Then with all the bright gold bangles, rings, and all manner of jewellery….that’s just plain tacky. Her mother should have sent her to a Swiss finishing school to learn some style. Plus she thinks that she’s so important that she should shout from the top of the hills that she’s marrying Margaryan, like DO WE (as M would say) GIVE A FLYING RAT’S ASS?! Hell no! Toka na uende! Bure kabisa! 

How this story made it to the front page of the Standard, I won’t even ask. 

Which brings me to something else that is related to the Wangui story. Now that Kenyan women have (apparently) decided that Kenyan men are not good enough for them due to our numerous shortcomings (that’s such a bad word), a good number have decided that “outsourcing” of men is the way forward. I asked a question in a previous post but no one gave a satisfactory response, and I’d appreciate one today. The article in Sunday Standard by Jeeh Wanjurah said that  

…how a nation’s men allow foreigners to snatch prized daughters without demur speaks volumes about their chivalry. Serious men strive to own their women – at least the best girls and never mind by what measure. If a community marries off to foreign lands all its good maidens, it is probably more out of social malaise and courtship limitations than hospitality and love for integration…” 

and again I ask, what are we as Kenyan men meant to deduce from this? That we are not being protective enough over our women? (Over and above our other “shortcomings”) What can be done about this? Should we be happy every time one of our sisters comes home with a foreigner bearing cows and goats? But again, I agree with Wanjurah over the “prized daughters” and “good maidens” and “retain at all costs” bit. But look at the public figures who’ve decided to outsource for men. Bishop Margaret Wanjiru, Nini Wacera and now “Ms Mboch” Wangui Mwai. Surely, can these specimens be classified as “good maidens or prized daughters?” worth retaining at all costs? Hell naw! I say good riddance!! Wakwende kabisa!! 


Is it just me or does NTV’s Peninah (Ni)Karib(i)e have only three outfits? I know she’s just the weather girl but surely…NTV give the chic some clothes! and does she say Fuookarst instead of forecast? Has anyone else heard NTV’s news anchor Basket Pasuka (ok really, what’s his name?) Say “buurt” instead of “but”? 

What’s on my playlist? 

1. Temporary Night – Maxwell 

Yeah I’m an April fool. You got a problem with that? For your information, I share a birthday with Prof. Wangari Maathai and Otto von Bismarck so as you can see, I’m destined for greatness! Someday.

Plans for today? None really. I’ll probably have a very quiet one. But lunch invitations are welcome (as long as it’s chinese at Ro-Ro, Village Market, fly lice with star-fly shicken and kasho-nut. It’s number 34 on the menu. Believe me, I know! That’s the best ish I’ve ever put into my mouth!) and if you feel so compelled to buy me a beer, drop me a line and we can make a plan.