March 2007


Sasa vile Bantuts ameturoga kishenzi KBdab nzima na ma sheng zake zenye hakuna mwenye alikuwa anazikwachu ka 2 months ago, na vile sasa ameanza uchochezi na Mzee Methu ati si wote tochomoe ma risto za kikwetu, wacheni basi niikwachu io challenge niwaroge na ka-stori hivi. Na nyi mafala mmekua mkinichekelea sheng yangu bandia mkidhani nitashindwa, SHINDWE!! Sita-mention majina, lakini kina Sue na Unyc na Jada mnajijua! Kwanza hii blog yangu mpya ni noma mpaka nime-nego na EGM alias Pythagoras Hypotenuse tuka-install ma widgets za kudetect vicheko za kijinga. Ukiona screen yako imeenda blank, jua tu ni ma widgets hizo noma zina-do job.

Kitu yenye ii unibamba sana ni vile wadhii hujidai wanoma ati shujaa wa ku-do vitu wakati wamewaka kiasi bila kujua wana-blunder ile mbaiya. Sasa, stori iko ivi.

Si Sato nilichomoka kwa baahrin githaa ka saa tuta hivi. Nikapiga Futsubishi (yaani Route 11) mimi huyoooooo…….mpaka lo? Mpaka local. Nikakutana na wasela na malefa wa mtaa wakibangaiza wakijitibu mdogo mdo? Mdogo mdogo. Saa juu nilikuwa nimechelewa, ilibidi nitoboke frotho mbili mbili za kugotea maMboyzz ili waache kunifyatukia. Alafu nikaamua kupiga lap of honour ya kuwagotea ma regulars, kurudi nikampata fala fulani ameji-ensconce kwa kiti ya mine. Hajui mi ni veteran huku, anigotee heshima zangu. Juu ya heshima zake ndogo, ilibidi nim-show a ba-ba-ba-banjuke tu! (Si usaree!) Toka hapo! Bradi fogothari!

Hapo ndipo sasa ma-stori zikaanza kukwachu na mawuoiyes kutiririka. Ma-gethaa zikapita mpaka masaa basa ivi, huku ma frotho zilikua zinakwachu wasee proper. Saa kuna boy wangu alikuwa gauge na mshii wake alikuanga ni KITU!!! Aki mi siku-mind kuvuka na hizo burungo. Tukaanza kuulizana boy wetu vile alikuwa ahead, ataezanaje na hiyo ithaa in his state of non-compos-mentis. Wacha niwa-show, huyo mshii alikuanga ni machine!! M-brown na mwili ndogo portable videadly ka laptop ya Sony Vaio, ata mnoma kuliko hako ka Apple Mac Mini ya Mzee Methu.

Sony Vaio laptop

Hii laptop haichapangi sijui Linux na Ubuntu na ma Mac OS, ii hu-run na software ingine huitwanga Bonyezaflex Operating System V7.1. Tunaeza chapana vertical rhumba, sideways rhumba, horizontal rhumba, ata ma-somersault zingine kali sana.

Enyewe every dog has its day, so to my utter dismay, boy akambeba mshii take away nikajua leo nitalala na ma blue ball syndrome.

Juu ya hiyo story tukaamua ku-gush hadi K1 tukaipige ji? Tukaipige jicho. Ndio mjue mawuoiiiiiyes ni balaa, ebu imagine tulijudai si ni wanoma pool tukam-challenge mse mmoja mwenye ni 3 time Pilsner Imara Challenge champion. Let me tell you, that guy entered for us for free and removed us paint thoroughly tukabaki colourless ka trophy cabinet ya Arsenal! Hapo ndipo tulikuwa katika pilka pilka za kutafuta mamroro lakini place ilikuwa imekauka mbaiiiya! Tukaamua kujipanga mpaka Qs.

Kupita hio njia karibu na Parklands Police Station si boy alimcheki karao mmoja beste yake mwenye hua wana frotho na yeye? Fala akaamua aweke pick up kando ati akamgotee karao. Shock on your diabz! Makarao wakampimia ma G-3 wakidhani ati ni jambazi fala ati anamhanda karao ka AK-47 yake. Karibu afyatuliwe ile mbaiya, ni vile tu beste yake aka-intervene akawa-show hao ma karao wengine huu mse ni beste yake. Lakini hiyo ni ufala. Karao haezi kua beste yako wakati ako in uniform akibeba G3. Kwani unadhani amekula stone face kwa vile amenyimwa ma hugs zako?

Mazee hapo nje ya Qs kwa parking tulipata dinki mwengine……auuuuuuuiiiiiiiii! Ebu tegeni skio msikilize formula. Miguu amestunya ka mluhya, mapaja healthy ka za mkamba, haga bwaku ka za mganda, dashboard fyam ka ya msapere, sura noma ka ya mtaita na nywele laini ka ya msomali. Nikacheki angalau nimuangushie mistari kadhaa nikamuuliza “niaje niaje? Enyewe, live, maze dame uko poa na umebeba vifiti mpaka kwa jeans nimekuchorea standing ovation, najiskia karibu nifyatukeeee…..KAMA BUNDUKEEEEE!!” Alafu nikamuuliza ka ameskia hio prophesy ya earthquake itakuwa Westi soon. Akaniangushia twang ka ya Carol Radull wa Kiss 100 ati “so WTF has that gats to do with me, ya punk?” huku ananitingishia kichwa kihindi pamoja na mikono, njaro zile za “nigga puh-leaze!” Nikam-suggestia tupeane kamooooooja tu! Ndio at least earthquake iki-come tutakuwa tushajiseti vifiti tusishikwe offside. Kumbe already alikuwa ashanipima, ashanikagua, ashanitoa rangi vile aliniona nikidondoka kutoka pick up ya boy (si mnajua Helen bado yu jikoni?) akani-dismiss bila stress juu policy yake ni no romance without finance!

Kufika lembe tukamgotea Aizoh, ule head bouncer wa Qs. Enyewe huyo mse ni old boy wa Qs, yaani ni veteran mpaka anaeza andika best-seller aiite “My Life At The Door!” Yaani hananga ma career ambitions?

Kuingia Qs ndani ilikuwa kedo 4am. Huko nako hakukua na show pia. Tukaji-enskwons kwa counter na kum-show nyaguthii atuthe? Atutherereshe proper. Enyewe wadhii, tulitoka hapo tulikua tumeiva ka liver ya Uhush Onyatto.

Saa vile ilikua tayari ngware, next destination ilikuanga ni Club Raymond direct (yaani bedtime) tukajiseti kwa pick up ndipo hapo dere alijidai ati pick up inaeza kuwa ndae ya safo dezine tena ka Impreza WRX STI ya Colin Mcrae. Believe me, kutoka Westi mpaka keja we took less than 10 minutes. Na sio ati si uishi karibu. Maskan iko kidogo farthest. Waulize Methu na Sue. Na vile ndae ilimea ma 7 speed Tiptronic Gearbox na ma Electronic Stability Control na ma Automatic Electronic Independent Brake Force Distribution System (ngoja kwanza nikai-copyright hiyo jina. Sidhani bado hai-exist) mpaka saa hizi ata mi sijui. Kuisorora the next day ndae ilikua inanichekelea dezine za “kijanaa umezoea kunipima!”

Kuingia bed na vile nilikua mawuoiiiyes nakashikwa na kisunzi, yaani head ilikua inaspin videadly mpaka nikashtuka nimeji-teleport mpaka dimension ingine mpaka hiyo race ya Australian Grand Prix, tena kwa podium nikipewa trophy yangu ile soo vile nilikua nimewanyorosha akina Schumacher na Bunson Jetton (Jenson Button-huyo mse wa Honda) Kidogo mongolio ikaanza kuwika na ile ringtone ya national anthem. Kuicheki nikaona namba 0722 000001 nikajua huyo ni Rais Obako ananishtu? Ananishtua. “Kijana reo naona umeacha kuedeesha kama mavi ya kuku. Maambo ya kuregareega pia umeaacha. Umefaanya kaaaazi mzuri saana. Kuuja State House nikurausheEE na White Cap biiri.” Ati Obako ameni-show ni come Jamhuri kwa Official State Welcome befitting of the World Champion that I am? Mpaka akani-sendia Kenya One (presidential jet) iniokote kutoka ng’ambo hadi mtaani. Mi ni nani nikatae hio offer?

BOSS!! Kufika JKIA nikapata umati wa ma-dame wakitingisha ma-flag za Jamhuri wakiwika “MWANAMISHALEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” na ma bra na ma ngotha tu ndio nilikuwa natupiwa ka zamani ma-fans wa Michael Jackson walikuwa waki-do, sijui wengine washaanza ku-faint na kuingia ma-frenzy kiwazimu wakicheki hii sura ya huu chali mocha khandisome namba one, picha yanje waweke kwa kharpam (album)

Enyewe wasee mkienda kuwasha mjue tu MAWUOIIIYES BALAA!!! Wacheni kujidai mashujaa.

(Methu na Bantuts, ka hii post sio number one, basi rasima mko na wazimu!!)

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Finally the 2007 Formula 1 season gets underway this Sunday at the Australian Grand Prix. I’m quite excited about it, seeing that seven time world champion Michael Schumacher will not be around to bore us any more with his domination. Not that I’m hating on Schumi, the man is a legend, probably even the greatest Formula 1 driver in history. But Formula 1 had become increasingly predictable and that took the excitement out of the sport. The teams have been shaken up, with two time world champion Fernando Alonso joining “my” team McLaren Mercedes, and Kimi Raikkonen moving over to Ferrari.

Fernando Alonso & Lewis Hamilton
Fernando Alonso & rookie driver Lewis Hamilton

To be honest, I’d rather have Kimi Raikkonen behind the wheel instead of Fernando Alonso. Ever since I was young I’ve always supported the number two guy, coz it shows that he’s got the potential to push the number one guy to his limits and eventually take away the top spot from him. I’ve never supported any person or team simply coz they’re at the top of their game. And most times I end up being proved right. When Maurice Greene was the fastest man on the planet, my main man was Tim Montgomery who later broke the 100m world record (and turned out to have been on performance enhancing drugs) I’ve supported Chelsea FC for nine years since the 1998-1999 season. And while Michael Schumacher reigned supreme in Formula 1 with Ferrari, I chose McLaren Mercedes. I only started watching F1 religiously like three years ago in South Africa when I used to wait up on Sunday nights till after midnight to watch the repeat of the race on national TV. Before that, I was a supporter in spirit.

Anyway, now that Fernando Alonso, the reigning world champion has joined McLaren Mercedes, there’s really not as much excitement about him winning it this time round. It’s basically expected. He’s the man to beat. On the other hand, Kimi has the hunger to squeeze out every ounce of skill to win that title. And I’m actually afraid that he just might do that this season if McLaren Mercedes don’t sort out their reliability issues.

Well I hope that with the launch of the MP4-22 car for this season, McLaren Mercedes will be able to shake away the reliability problems that let the team down so badly in the last couple of years.

McLaren Mercedes MP4-22
Isn’t this the best looking F1 car this season? Me thinks so.

Not a single Grand Prix victory in 2006? Shocking! But it would have also helped a great deal if Kimi showed up for work sober a bit more often. Seriously.

Kimi Raikkonen
Kimi Raikkonen

Trust Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone to flip the script every season with rather ridiculous rules and regulations (remember the one-set-of-tyres-per-race rule back in 2005? What was he thinking?) The old geezer is back with yet another one this season. He says that all teams should race with two sets of dry tyres per race, with one set of tyres being significantly faster than the second set to add unpredictability. (Have a look at the rule changes here)

I’m not down for this idea, coz supposing one driver has built up a significant lead over the next driver, then he pits and swops the faster set of tyres for the slower set, his lead will be cut down quite fast by the second driver. Ok well, the second guy will have to pit eventually and change to the slower set. But still, it fucks up everything. Anyway let’s just wait and see how things turn out during the race.

So it’s all systems go this weekend. Go McLaren!!

Welcome folks to my half furnished casa. I set up this blog in early December, just for the sake of it, and only later as I was searching for a new template for my Blogger.com blog did I realize that you cannot customize templates to your specific liking as you can do on WordPress. 

But I have to admit that WP is a b*tch!! Mad props to all you guys on WP. Last week I tried to figure out how to upload pictures and add links onto a post and I was stuck at the cybercafe for close to four hours trying to figure it out. I won’t hide the fact that I’m not very tech savvy. 

Anyway, this blog is still a work in progress and I intend to customize it as I go along. I’m so bored of Blogger so I decided to change scenery just for a day. You know the way the English Football Association have to carry out the mandatory tests of the new Wembley Stadium before it’s ready for public use (to host the F.A. Cup final in May, which for your information was last won by Chelsea FC at the old Wembley back in 2000, and we intend to be the first team to lift the trophy at the new Wembley. But do I say?) Well that’s the same thing I’m doing today. I’m learning how to check your I.P. addresses so I can block some of your rubbish comments at will. Well, the only ones I’ll block are from the KBW resident lunatic who posts 4000+ comments. In fact, if anyone knows where he’s at, tell him that today, only today, I’ll let him run riot up in here (but he’s limited to only two 4000 word comments. Beyond that I’ll find him and shoot an arrow through his right testicle) 

So now, this is what I need from you guys, especially if you’re already using WordPress. 

a) How do you customize the picture at the header section of the blog? (Up there, where the moon is)b) how do you cross out a section of sentence by drawing a line across the text?c) Who can recommend a good spam catcher? And how do I fix it onto the blog?d) how do I write the Copyright notice at the bottom of the blog?e) how do I find out which version of WordPress I’m using? 1.5?  2.0?  2.0.1.0.0.0.0.1?  4.6 HSE? 

These may sound very easy but just understand that I really racked my brains trying to do all this and still achieved nothing! And the help pages for WordPress are in greek so I’m allowed to skip that part. It’s not as if I chew HTML and XML codes and widgets for breakfast. Who do WordPress take me to be? M?? 

Ok now that I’ve bored your brains out lemme change the topic. It’s interesting the way things change so fast within a year. At the beginning of last year just before I left for my final stint in Afrikanerland, KTN and Capital FM were my favourite TV and radio stations. At the end of last year things had changed. Nowadays I rarely watch KTN (maybe it’s coz Julie Gichuru moved over to NTV and KTN have refused to upgrade Kasavuli’s wardrobe. That purple suit she wears every other day is so gross!) and I wake up every morning at 6am to catch Cess Mutungi and Ngatia on Hot 96. Those two crack me up! Last week Ngatia had this dream that he was a werewolf and Cess was a big juicy sausage. So he asked Cess to interpret his dream and she concluded that since a werewolf is a ruthless carnivore and she was a sausage, perhaps the dream is an expression of his subconscious fantasy to dish her up, literally. Apparently Ngatia has some sexual frustration that he would like to release through her. How now? 

Then there are these two characters who present a late afternoon show on 98.4 Capital FM (I don’t know their names. I’m usually just whiling away the time having tea and waiting for Grace Msalame to do her thing on KTN Str8 Up so I don’t pay much attention) So one of them found a new word to misuse in every sentence. The word is “ensconced” but he pronounces it with so much vigour that it sounds like en-skwuon-st. At first sound, I figured that to ensconce means to put something into something else e.g. enclose. But I never bothered to look up the meaning. Dude kept on using it over and over again so I looked up the word and this is what I found  

En.sconce/ Ensconc.ed/ Ensconc.ing:1. To settle (oneself) safely and securely2. To place or conceal in a safe place 

So, people! The word of the day is ensconce. Let’s see how creative you guys are. Try to use the word ensconced in your comments at least once (e.g. “Archer… this is how to ensconce the spam catcher onto your blog”)  

Now can you all enskwuons yourselves (but not each other tafadhali-save that for the privacy of your homes) into my comments page!! 

 

To all you bloggers who do your thing on company time (y’all know yourselves) today I’m getting you fired! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

WARNING!

The audio clip that you are about to listen to is of an extremely hilarious nature. It is advisable that you only listen to this during your lunch break, or after work, otherwise you will run the risk of losing your job. Listener discretion is advised.

Here you go.

Huggies Nappies


Joke of the day

Street prostitute…. to Customer:

Hii ni Masharti ya kazi:

1. Sirabi boro

2. Sitobwi mukudu

3. Masiwa ni ya mtoto

4. maStyro perekea bibi yako

5. Buy one; get one free-yaaani shoti biri, mimi reo iko nyenge

6. Ogezea kabruu …. Nipige duru wajue wewe ni njogoo

7. Usisherewe dani, iko mrorogo

8. Kama boro yako ni ya fuda, weka nuthu

9. Kiss mama yako, hii mbiachara

10. Ukifeda, urete dugu yako pia


Spotted on Kiambu Road…

…and the sign leads to here….

Ok, it’s good to be ambitious, but when you put up a sign for an international whatever the hell it was supposed to be, I’m guessing “international cuisine?” and then the sign leads right into a forest ON KIAMBU ROAD!!! Are you sick, mad or both the three of the above? Even a certified lunatic wouldn’t walk into a forest on Kiambu Road to quench his thirst. Getting chopped up into little pieces isn’t part of my plans for the new year.

Cornmen? LOL! But why the phone number? I mean, you’ve already said that the plot is not for sale, so why would anyone want to call you just to get the message repeated to him? Ama it’s for reporting the cornmen?

All you KBW folk and your regular meet ups at Buffet Park consuming metres upon metres of mutura (Aegeus), Picana mango juice (Gish, Shiroh & Nakeel) and a five litre Keringet (EGM) and you’ve never seen this sign before? No prize for you!

Speaking of which, the waitors at Buffet Park had refused to serve our table coz only two people out of like 10 were consuming alcohol. Have you ever seen guys who walk into a pub, very confidently, and order for KERINGET??

Waitor: Boss, hiyo hatuna!

EGM: Sawa basi lete Dasani au Kilimanjaro. Na uharakishe!

I guess the timetable speaks for itself.

Coming to a giant billboard near you! Omo Progress with super duper powerfoam plus, and bleach.

I was at Nairobi stalls a couple of weeks ago looking for the Chelsea FC away kit for this season then I came across these eh…items.

Si the red one is screaming out for attention of the “horizontal rhumba” (Kipepeo 2007) kind? Tena hii ni ya vertical rhumba! Standings!! Word of caution to the ladies who complain of men gawking at their goodies….when you left your house wearing an outfit like this, what did you expect? If you didn’t want unsolicited attention then you should have worn a buibui! Wanawake wa Nairobi jameni, pris ngo srowry on us!

So how did I take this picture?

This sign is at the lower parking at the Village Market, facing the newly constructed “American Village.” I have to say, I think that was a very dumb idea, building a village solely for Americans. Isolating yourselves only makes you an easier target for potential terrorist attacks. Think about it, if someone wanted to get rid of a whole bunch of Yankees, where would you drop a bomb? Ahaa! You have been warned!!

Yes that’s a Britania Digestive biscuit. Ma excitoz bana! Understand! When was the last time you had one? Well I haven’t had one in years so as you can see, I robbed the poor school-kid in the background of his last one!! I used to love the crunchy ones that had a layer of chocolate underneath. Wonder where they went. Then there’s the Butterscotch biscuits that were shaped like gold bars and the wrapper was red and black with a checked design. Anyone remember those? They used to sell them at Uchumi a while ago (and Kasuku Centre in Kileleshwa). I used to take little bites and suck the sweetness out of them before chewing and swallowing them. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND THEM? I’d give (almost) anything to have a pack or six right now.

So how would one use it if it’s out of order? Si you’re a bright one?


Eh….difference being?

That’s my fridge on the average Friday evening. University students are very stressed out people, so IT’S ALLOWED!! (Note that the only edible stuff is half an onion and a jar of mayo. Hehe!)


Are you serious? You honestly don’t expect me to leave my goldfish outside, do you? What if she catches the flu?


And finally, I’ve learnt the hard way not to make bets or accept dares that you won’t be able to win or fulfill! I had one such bet with Kipepeo in January and lost. (Don’t ask. It’s a long story) So, for losing, she dared, no, ordered me to post a picture of my toes! Well, I’m not a sore loser, so there you go Kipepeo. Knock yourself out.

To the rest of you psychos, washana with my toes! Ichiena stop copy pasting, I can see you!