As I saw the starting line-up for the Carling Cup final yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through the mind of “Professor” Arse-end Vanker. I had to go through the line up over and over again to convince myself that I wasn’t seeing my own things. Surely, how do you bring a squad of toddlers to do a warrior’s job against a very strong Chelsea first team? Vanker uko serious kweli? Who do you take us for, Leave-‘er-fool?

And for a top flight manager of Vanker’s caliber, I think that was a pretty stupid idea, considering that he is yet to outsmart the special one, Jose Mourinho. (haters, call him what you want, Josephine Maureen-ho, Moaning ho etc. We’ve heard them all!) but you do have to give the man props. He talks shit and delivers. Imagine a jamaa smaller then you in size, saying “I’m going to come over to your house, drag you out into the field and beat your ass to a pulp!!”, and actually comes over and does just that!! Next time carry a crowbar with you! Hasn’t Vanker ever learnt that you do not put Senderos in defence when Didier Drogba is in town? Anyone remember last season’s Community Shield and Premier League matches where Drogba totally outclassed Senderos in both matches? (in the same week!!) Yaani mnaiba second bodi wetu William “Omosh” Gallas and then leave him on the bench in favour of Senderos? Jingatype wewe!!

But I must tip my hat kidogo tu to the little ones. They surely proved themselves….at least for the opening twenty minutes. You have to look at things this way. Chelsea is composed of much older players, three of whom are over the age of 30 (Shevchenko, Bollocks and “Midfield Engine” Claude Makelele). So it takes Chelsea kidu 20 minutes to warm up before settling into the game proper, as compared to the toddlers. But when guys have chemkad…woe unto you! The one sure way to beat Chelsea convincingly is to start with all guns blazing before they’re warmed up (ask Barcelona and cup specialists Leave ‘er fool) then after that, DEFEND with all your players coz you know some serious ish is about to go down!!

Haiiiiyaaaa! Then one lil’ shit called Abu sijui Diaba, Diabolical or something like that decided to knock out our first bodi, John “Captain Terrific” Terry with a Jet Li style kick to the head!!!

Arsenali were kung fu fighting (Haiyaaaaa!) tiii dii dii ti ti tu tu twiiiiiiiiiiiii!!

That idiot deserved to be booked for that challenge! High boot! Accidental my ass. Everyone knows John Terry is quite a tough dude and if he ever leaves the pitch then he must have been seriously injured. Imagine goners walimweka blackout?!! But we still managed to cope without our talismanic captain. I have massive amounts of admiration for JT, anyone remember the Chelsea vs Man Useless match at Stamford Bridge last May (where we hammered them 3-0 with goals from our defenders and broke Wayne Rooney’s toes to add onto that?) JT was tackled very seriously and was bleeding from the ankle. He refused to be substituted and insisted on being bandaged heavily and limping back onto the pitch. The man was in obvious pain and discomfort, but he was determined to lead his team to 90 minutes and to the treasured Premier League trophy. Shortly after the match ended, the guy was put on crutches. Talk of total commitment to the team. But I digress. Terry was in hosi for like ten minutes and was back at the Millenium Stadium to celebrate the victory with his team mates.

But that was not the end of the drama! The baby gooners decided to prove their manhood in a more uncouth manner by attempting to bout with our players!! Ok I know for a fact that Mikel John Obi is one very rough/violent player, but where does one get off with punching our defender in the kisogo as he’s looking the other way? Then Fabregas thought that in the absence of first bodi (JT) that he can go zusha for Frank Lampard?

Fabregas pubmavu kabisa!

You forget that we still have Michael “Wafula” Essien to beat all your little asses up (only that these days he’s a gentleman) but the most idiotic of all was this Nwankwo Kanu wannabe Adebayor a.ka Ade-useless, who upon receiving his marching orders tried to negotiate with the ref ati to reduce it to yellow. When that didn’t work, the kubaff decides to threaten the ref with violence and unleashes a very childish tantrum mpaka Theuri Henry had to come get his ass off the field!!

Anyway, apart from the violence, that was a very good match, and I as an Arsenal hater can say that I have a new-found respect for the baby goons. If this team stays together, I guarantee you that in the next two years thay have the potential to dominate the Premiership entirely. Hats off. But Wenger wewe bado ni jinga.

As for my champs, three more trophies to go.


Y’all know that Didier Drogba (and his hair) has never really been one of my favourite people. I’ve always thought very lowly of him…but that was until this season when he decided to play real football. I think finally the garage in West London did run out of grease so he decided to do corn-rows instead. Looking good. Sad to admit, but anything other than the grease.