OK OK people, I’ve heard the demands for more regular posts to match the fancy paintjob. I must admit that I’ve been very lazy the last few weeks. I’ve been very introverted lately and I can count the number of times that I’ve left the digz. Before today, I last ventured out last Friday! That’s an entire week indoors. Doing what, you ask? Eating, sleeping, eating, watching tv, eating, dropping nukes over Osama’s hideout in the mountain ranges of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, sleeping some more, eating and playing Football Manager on my PC. Zero grazing tu. In fact I’ve gained quite a number of kilos since December 14th. When I came back from SA I was very underweight so I had to catch up. Only problem is that I don’t really see where all that weight is going to coz I look pretty much the same. Now I really need to get up off my ass and do something useful with myself.

A friend of mine recently made a comment about me that got me thinking. The jamaa says that I’m very narrow minded and un-experimentative (does such a word exist?) when it comes to women. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that he probably had a valid point. Most of my ex-girlfriends (plus the kadhaa miscellaneous clandes) look so alike that if you had them all in a police line-up, you’d think they’re all sisters! Yaani I’m attracted to one type of woman only and my mind completely switches off when presented with other options.

So what type of woman is Archer attracted to, you ask? Well…shorter than myself (tall chics scare the shit out of me, probably as a result of being bullied in praimo by some other tall chile), light skinned, and I like them healthy! As in generously endowed. Curvaceous if you like. Wouldn’t have it any other way, mazee I’m from the land of ingokho, I’m allowed!! Now what do I do with a pack of bones?

So where did all this come from? Well, the guy noticed that I’ve really been eyeing Grace Msalame (the host of KTN’s Str8 Up) and Karmah, the chic who did a collabo with Pam of Sema and kina Nameless, Jua Cali and Wyre on the song Tatizo (currently being overplayed but hey! I get to see her sura more often!!) That Karmah chile be fwyne! Very pretty babyface, million dollar smile tena coz her eyes light up. My boy hates on her ati she’s got Down’s syndrome coz she’s got a flat face and a tiny nose. I say even if she did have Downs Syndrome, she’d still be hot! With the little tu pimples forming a ka triangle on the sides of each eye. Beauty beyond. Now that’s the perfect description of my kind of woman.

Word has it that Grace is one of the most highly sought after chics in Nairobi at the moment but she keeps a very low profile, yaani no one knows anyone who knows her. Sharp chic. Of all the Str8 Up hosts (yes I know it’s a show for teenagers but with fwyne hosts like Grace and Anjlee, I’m a watch it!! The other pack of bones kaaz a dulaa kabisa and Andrew is so full of himself yet he can’t read the bloody autocue. Illiterate pompous bugger!) I think Grace is the most mature and intelligent looking of the lot plus me thinks she’s got a good personality to match. In addition, she has a posterior that Google Earth would only be too glad to help you locate. And if anyone was as idle as I was last evening (Thursday 8th Feb) chica was looking tight yaani a goddess has nothing on her!!

So that sums up my two current crushes. Unfortunately I’ve searched the internet for pics of Grace, but the one at Surazuri agency’s website must be of her neighbour coz she’s definitely much fwyner then that. As for Karma, I’m sure y’all have seen the video for Tatizo. If not, keep watching TV and you’ll see it. She’s on the back cover of today’s Pulse magazine though, I’ll scan it and post it next week. Mmm mmm mmm!! Hot maneno!

A.O.B

One of these fine days I’m going to take a hammer and smash the TV!! Why is it that every time I turn it on, there’s MTV Base showing either that tired character “The Game” jumping over fences and showing off his multiple chains, or the incredibly ugly “Lil Wayne” showing off his thao tattoos, thinking he’s so cool with his jeans sagging down to his knees? I just can’t stand seeing the same sh*t over and over again!

And what’s with every other rapper throwing around hundred dollar bills? Ata kama you want us to believe that you’re successful like that, I don’t think that’s appropriate, ama? What are you trying to show us yet we know the Rolls-Royce Phantoms and Lamborghini Murcielagos in your videos are all hired? And so is much of your bling and the big ass houses with 10 jacuzzis and swimming pools? Si you use that money you’re throwing around to buy your own?

Other “artistes” that I think should be shot in the ass are Omarion for that wack new track featuring Timbaland. He’s got zero acting skills as well. Chris Brown the ka teenager is the second. Dude thinks he’s the re-incarnation of Usher. Can someone please encourage him to seek an alternative career as a butcher or a vet or something along that line?

One of the reasons why I do not listen to hip hop is coz I don’t like the way that women have been disrespected and objectified, dissed left and right by being referred to in some very unsavoury terms. But I find it ridiculous that for some of the most vulgar hip hop tracks that exist, you find that it’s the chics who enjoy them more than guys do. Sample this. You’re in a club and Ying Yang Twins “Wait-The Whisper Song” is playing, and it’s the mamaz yelling at the top of their voices till their throats go sore:

Wait till you see my d***/
Wait till you see my d***/
Hey b****/
Wait till you see my d***/
I’m a beat that p**** up!!

In that case I say, RAP ON!!

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