February 2007


As I saw the starting line-up for the Carling Cup final yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through the mind of “Professor” Arse-end Vanker. I had to go through the line up over and over again to convince myself that I wasn’t seeing my own things. Surely, how do you bring a squad of toddlers to do a warrior’s job against a very strong Chelsea first team? Vanker uko serious kweli? Who do you take us for, Leave-‘er-fool?

And for a top flight manager of Vanker’s caliber, I think that was a pretty stupid idea, considering that he is yet to outsmart the special one, Jose Mourinho. (haters, call him what you want, Josephine Maureen-ho, Moaning ho etc. We’ve heard them all!) but you do have to give the man props. He talks shit and delivers. Imagine a jamaa smaller then you in size, saying “I’m going to come over to your house, drag you out into the field and beat your ass to a pulp!!”, and actually comes over and does just that!! Next time carry a crowbar with you! Hasn’t Vanker ever learnt that you do not put Senderos in defence when Didier Drogba is in town? Anyone remember last season’s Community Shield and Premier League matches where Drogba totally outclassed Senderos in both matches? (in the same week!!) Yaani mnaiba second bodi wetu William “Omosh” Gallas and then leave him on the bench in favour of Senderos? Jingatype wewe!!

But I must tip my hat kidogo tu to the little ones. They surely proved themselves….at least for the opening twenty minutes. You have to look at things this way. Chelsea is composed of much older players, three of whom are over the age of 30 (Shevchenko, Bollocks and “Midfield Engine” Claude Makelele). So it takes Chelsea kidu 20 minutes to warm up before settling into the game proper, as compared to the toddlers. But when guys have chemkad…woe unto you! The one sure way to beat Chelsea convincingly is to start with all guns blazing before they’re warmed up (ask Barcelona and cup specialists Leave ‘er fool) then after that, DEFEND with all your players coz you know some serious ish is about to go down!!

Haiiiiyaaaa! Then one lil’ shit called Abu sijui Diaba, Diabolical or something like that decided to knock out our first bodi, John “Captain Terrific” Terry with a Jet Li style kick to the head!!!

Arsenali were kung fu fighting (Haiyaaaaa!) tiii dii dii ti ti tu tu twiiiiiiiiiiiii!!

That idiot deserved to be booked for that challenge! High boot! Accidental my ass. Everyone knows John Terry is quite a tough dude and if he ever leaves the pitch then he must have been seriously injured. Imagine goners walimweka blackout?!! But we still managed to cope without our talismanic captain. I have massive amounts of admiration for JT, anyone remember the Chelsea vs Man Useless match at Stamford Bridge last May (where we hammered them 3-0 with goals from our defenders and broke Wayne Rooney’s toes to add onto that?) JT was tackled very seriously and was bleeding from the ankle. He refused to be substituted and insisted on being bandaged heavily and limping back onto the pitch. The man was in obvious pain and discomfort, but he was determined to lead his team to 90 minutes and to the treasured Premier League trophy. Shortly after the match ended, the guy was put on crutches. Talk of total commitment to the team. But I digress. Terry was in hosi for like ten minutes and was back at the Millenium Stadium to celebrate the victory with his team mates.

But that was not the end of the drama! The baby gooners decided to prove their manhood in a more uncouth manner by attempting to bout with our players!! Ok I know for a fact that Mikel John Obi is one very rough/violent player, but where does one get off with punching our defender in the kisogo as he’s looking the other way? Then Fabregas thought that in the absence of first bodi (JT) that he can go zusha for Frank Lampard?

Fabregas pubmavu kabisa!

You forget that we still have Michael “Wafula” Essien to beat all your little asses up (only that these days he’s a gentleman) but the most idiotic of all was this Nwankwo Kanu wannabe Adebayor a.ka Ade-useless, who upon receiving his marching orders tried to negotiate with the ref ati to reduce it to yellow. When that didn’t work, the kubaff decides to threaten the ref with violence and unleashes a very childish tantrum mpaka Theuri Henry had to come get his ass off the field!!

Anyway, apart from the violence, that was a very good match, and I as an Arsenal hater can say that I have a new-found respect for the baby goons. If this team stays together, I guarantee you that in the next two years thay have the potential to dominate the Premiership entirely. Hats off. But Wenger wewe bado ni jinga.

As for my champs, three more trophies to go.

A.O.B

Y’all know that Didier Drogba (and his hair) has never really been one of my favourite people. I’ve always thought very lowly of him…but that was until this season when he decided to play real football. I think finally the garage in West London did run out of grease so he decided to do corn-rows instead. Looking good. Sad to admit, but anything other than the grease.

Hi everyone. Apparently some miscellaneous character has decided to engage yours truly in a nonsensical blog war!

Unfortunately, Blogger is acting up so I can’t upload pictures, and my links are all over the place so they’re virtually useless.

Therefore I’ve decided to put up the post on my tester WordPress blog. (I never thought I’d have to use it this soon) If the link above doesn’t work, the url is www.midnightfrisco.wordpress.com

Cheers!

Ladies and gentlemen of KBW, and other readers of this 5 bob blog of mine, I’m sure that by now you all know me and my character. I’ve interacted with several of you either through your blogs or mine, others we chat with regularly, and I’ve had the pleasure of meeting a good number of you in person. So I’d like to believe that I’ve proved my character as being a very peaceful individual who harbours no ill intentions towards anyone. Character witnesses are there to prove this fact, and you all know yourselves.

I have no time to indulge in blog wars, but given the fact that I’m currently very bored and very idle just getting fat in my house, if you want to indulge me in a blog war, then so be it. Waste my time knowing that I have an abundance of it. And I’ll waste yours as well. Leta matusi, na nitakurudishia matusi yale yale vilivyo!!

I’m sure you’re all wondering what I’m talking about. Allow me to explain.

Late Saturday night I was surfing the web checking out a few blogs here and there. I clicked into the KBW Aggregator and the very first post there caught my eye. Not that the content was any interesting, but because of the name, “My own spot on this world……..” which bears a striking resemblance to Acolyte’s well known blog “My part of the world………” I found that very interesting for one.

Secondly, the blog description was an exact carbon copy, word for word even minus spaces between commas and full stops just in the same manner as Aco’s. It read:

“Life is War.To master the art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Srtike him as hard as you can, and keep moving.”

That was obviously copied word for word from Aco’s blog. Even where the spaces appear or don’t appear. Then I read some of the posts and came aross this:

*Unfortunately Blogger is refusing to upload the picture*

“Mahiakalo area assistant chief, Amos Ngaira whips suspects after he raided their home in Bukhulunya village Kakamega district and recovered property worth Sh100,000 believed to have been stolen.”

Not only was the photo copied from M’s distinguished blog tHiNkEr’S rOoM, but so was the entire paragraph as well. Copy paste. I scrolled down further and came across this photo that I took with my cellphone camera and posted it onto my blog

*again Blogger has refused to upload the picture, but you’ll find the picture here on my blog and here on his blog.*

And here it is being passed on as someone else’s, but I have no doubt as to where he got it from.

I decided to email Acolyte and M to inform them of what was going on, so that they may take the necessary action against this deliberate act of plagiarism. Furthermore, I invited a couple of other bloggers and one member of KBW admin to take a look at this blog and see if there’s something fishy going on there and they did. They concurred with me that some serious Xeroxing was taking place right there.

I also took it upon myself to email the character involved and I requested him to quit copying stuff from other KBW (and ex) member’s blogs. This is the email that I sent to him:

RE: Be Careful

My good sir,

I’d like to believe that you’re both old and mature enough to understand the meaning of plagiarism and the implications of the same. I’ve noticed that you’ve been copying bits and pieces from other blogsand passing them off as your own, sometimes even word for word. Please stop doing this. It reflects very badly on you as a person. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Archer

I’d have expected that a mature individual who claims to be 23 years of age would respond to my email in the same manner that I sent it to him. Privately. But nooooo, the fellow decides to not only send me two emails, but to do a post about it (he didn’t mention my name though. I wonder why, cowardice perhaps?) Read that post HERE. He claims that I threatened him in my email. Who…me? Threaten who? Have I ever threatened anyone in my life, especially a nonentity that I don’t even know or give two shits about? Please! Anyone tell me where you can see a threat being made. Dude, quit smoking hashish! You’re clearly hallucinating!

D.M. (oh sorry I forgot to mention it, but that’s the character’s name) has challenged me to produce any evidence that the content of his blog have been copied from other blogs. I believe I’ve done just that. Feel free to scroll up and have another look. But he thought he’s such a genius that THIS MORNING he changed the title of his blog from “My own spot on this world……..” to “my spot..my world”, and the blog description from “Life is War.To master the art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving.” To “Haters gonna hate,playas gonna play!” He even changed his template TWICE in one day!!

Judging from the new blog description and the post that he’s written about this incident, I take this as a thinly veiled attack on myself. Kweli au sivyo?

I’d like to inform D.M. that I have never been to his blog before, neither do I know any other blogger who has ever even mentioned any of his content in passing, as being worth taking a look at. I didn’t even know that he or his blog existed until I saw the very shameless manner in which he’s trying to attract traffic to his blog by copy pasting content from other bloggers’ blogs. I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to single out one individual and decide to hate on him. I’m just not that kind of person. But if you want to incite me, go right ahead.

Surely, for a person who claims to be a software developer, one would assume that he’d have just a modicum of intelligence and that he’d alter the words that he copied from other blogs, then pass them off as his own. And for said “software developer” to commit obvious plagiarism right here within KBW, knowing very well that his posts would appear simultaneously on the aggregator and that he would definitely be caught out, to me that shows a deliberate action with mischievous intent. Dude, where did you get your I.T qualifications? Havarrd International Information Technology Centre and Telephone Bureau atop Hotel Digitho bar and lodging somewhere in Ruiru off the Route 145 stage? Ama you bought it at some back street or shagged a lecturer’s assistant to help you get it?

Dude, if you’re so confident that you’ve not copy pasted anything from any other blog, then why did you change your blog title, your blog description AND even your template all at a go, this morning? What have you to hide?

I’m not a fool dadii, so please don’t take me for one. Don’t drag me down to your level coz I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you’ll beat me with your several years worth of carefully cultivated experience. Do yourself that favour. Tafadhali!

Anyway, people, the evidence (or what’s left of it) is there to be seen. I don’t have to convince you any further that we have individuals of dubious character in our midst (all along I’ve thought it’s only the resident lunatic who leaves 4000 word comments) I’m sure that you will arrive at that conclusion by yourselves. Over to KBW Admin, do something! Such behaviour should not be allowed.

For this act of stupidity, this person has earned himself an award that is soon going to become a regular feature on this blog, and who’s previous recipient was James Kamangu Ndimu. Therefore, without further ado…

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!!

D.M. (Danger Mouse?)

So there you have it. Kenya’s most wanted gangster Samuel Matheri Ikere was gunned down in the wee hours of yesterday morning by a contingent of 100+ police officers. (November Squad? Alaa? Ni kukosa majina au vipi?) Kweli those karaos weren’t taking any risks this time. This one man had managed to instill so much fear into a whole nation and it’s sad that it took a few brave robberies and murders within Nairobi and its environs for the police to realize that they have real work to do apart from soliciting for petty bribes from motorists.

OK, now that Matheri is dead, as well as his accomplice known only as “M” (hmm…anyone seen our resident political satirist lately?) and another character known as “Osama” who opted to take his own life rather than face the G3 battalion, I guess everyone can sleep easy knowing that Kenya will be a much safer place for the next few days. Thugs countrywide must be shaking out of their boots!

But has anyone stopped to think about the manner in which Matheri and his accomplice were gunned down? Sure, the reports say that the police mounted an ambush after tracking him down by GPRS. But nowhere has it been said that he came out with guns blazing! On both KTN and NTV last night, the wife said clearly that the cops ordered him to come out or they’d open fire upon his household. She says that she convinced him to surrender for the sake of the kids and he did just that. Apparently he emerged with his hands to his head, and the two were interrogated for about half an hour before the cops shot them both in the head. The Standard even says that he gave the cops a list of his acccomplices before they killed him! So, was the shooting called for?

The question is this, even though Matheri was the most wanted criminal, was his execution necessary considering the fact that he was un-armed and outnumbered 100-1? The AK-47 was found inside the house and not on his person. Couldn’t they have arrested him instead and let justice take it’s course? Wouldn’t he have been of more use to the cops alive than dead?

An opinion poll conducted by KTN last night showed that 61% of Kenyans would rather have him dead than alive, as compared to the 39% who would rather have him arrested and charged in court.

Let’s look at it this way.

a) majority of Kenyans have no faith in the Judicial system

b) he deserves nothing short of the death penalty but unfortunately that has been scrapped

c) between the time he’s arrested, arraigned in court, sentenced and taken to Kamiti Maximum Prison, he’ll have had like 100 opportunities to escape

d) he deprived others of their right to live, so he has forfeited his own right to live

e) it just makes everyone sleep better knowing that he’s dead.

What would have happened if Matheri was arrested and charged in court? Well, other than several attempts to break out. He’d rot in there for some years like one Edward Maina Shimoli (he of the large middle finger front page photo back in the late 90s, remember him?) Shimoli was an equally notorious criminal and a rapist as well. He was sentenced to 8 years in Kamiti during which time he attempted kadhaa escapes. His prison term ends in the next few months and Kenyans must be afraid of what he’ll do next, since it’s a well known fact that ex-convicts have a tendency to go back into criminal activity due to the inability to find a legit job coz no one wants to hire an ex con. So why bother going through all this when you can just fyatua the faka mara one and get him over with!

Anyway, I wonder what Maina Kiai has to say about this.
A.O.B
This man Samuel Kivuitu, the Chairman of the Electoral Commission has got to be my favourite pullic official. The mzee is so unfazed by anything and he speaks his mind without mincing words and most times he’s quite hilarious!! Did anyone watch the interview with Alex Chamwada two nights ago? Sample this:
“Chamwada you seem to be in a hurry to go somewhere. If you are in a hurry, tell me quickly so I can also do other business!”
When asked about his family, Kivuitu replied (about his wife)
“She’s a former *forgot what he said she was* but now she’s retired. Now she’s perfecting the art of loitering around!”

It’s interesting that I typed out this post two nights ago, only for some of the same issues to be aired on TV last night and discussed in today’s papers. We all know that very many of our youth are having sex, some as young as 12!! (saw that on KTN last night) However much we’d want to hide our heads in the sand and not think about it, young people ARE having sex. A lot of it for that matter. So next time you look at your teenage bro or sis, just know he/she may be getting laid more often than you are!

Let’s look at unwanted pregnancies and abortion (flushing as it’s also referred to) for a minute, with particular reference to the youth, and some of the issues that it brings up. I’m writing this from the ignorant perspective of a man who has never been pregnant, doesn’t intend to ever be, and doesn’t know what goes on in the mind of a pregnant woman as she decides whether to abort the kid or to keep it. So please co-operate with me here even though I know I’ve not brought forth the argument as clearly as the idea appeared in my mind.

Situation 1

Early last February, on the last weekend before I went back to South Africa, I was out at Crooked Qs with the Mrs, when a young chic who’s a family friend (she’s about 16 or 17) came in with a bunch of very thuggish looking dudes. First I was wondering how the hell my aunt let her leave the digz in that skimpy belt masquerading as a miniskirt. It basically left nothing to the imagination! And let’s be honest here, huyu manzi amebarikiwa vilivyo. But she’s 17!!! Chic walks up to me and asks me to buy her a drink. So I switched to “overprotective big brother mode” and I unleashed a barrage of questions, asking if her mother knew she was out in a nightclub dressed like a hooker and who those guys were. And of course I refused to buy her a drink! Well, she quickly dismissed me with “Who the hell do you think you to question me? Go f*** yourself! I can get pints from someone else!”

Punde si punde the young lady had an assortment of tequilas, sambuca and a couple of Tusker Malts in front of her. About an hour later I spotted her dancing atop a table with guys gawking at her goodies from under her skirt and slapping her thighs. I was tempted to grab her, throw her into my car and drive her home but I couldn’t. At the end of the night as I was leaving, I spotted her, drunk as a dodo, in a street corner making out with one of the dudes that she’d come in with, with his hand firmly grasping her ample rear end.

Many months later, I got word that the chic had just given birth to twins! AT SEVENTEEN!!! Not only that, the baby daddy had denied paternity and bounced. Word has it that he has one or two other baby mamas around Nairobi.

Situation 2

In the last few weeks, a few chic friends of mine have confessed to having had an abortion done last year. I’m talking about four different chics. And they’re not ati toiz, they’re in their mid twenties.

In South Africa alone where abortion is legal and is even covered by one’s medical insurance, I know of several chics, many of them friends of mine, who have “flushed” since 2004. These days I have to count those among my female friends who have not had an abortion. And it’s becoming more difficult by the day. And it’s no big deal to them. I’d think that it should be, ama? I don’t know what goes on inside the mind of a woman who’s considering having an abortion or has already had it done, so someone please tell me. But I’d think one should be traumatized, having feelings of guilt…right?

One day in June, a pal of mine was coming to stay at my apartment since I wasn’t going to be in town during the vacation period. He came with his mama, but she left shortly. Dude was looking quite stressed so I asked him wsup. Dude told me he had to part with his entire allowance for the month to pay for his chic’s abortion. Chic wasn’t on medical insurance so they had to pay for it in cash. A few hours later, she was back at my place, looking like nothing had happened. Smiling tu kama kawaida. I couldn’t believe it!

I even know one very close friend of mine who “flushed” twice within months of each other!! Ok, maybe falling pregnant the first time might have been a mistake, but I thought that’s how people learn their lessons. From experience. So how do you go out and make the same mistake again? Now that’s just dense! After getting into such a predicament you should learn to keep your legs together. I’m not implying that the sperm donors are not equally to blame coz they are. Some people should be banned from having sex for life.

And also, it’s no secret that you don’t have to go to some back street clinic in Nairobi to have the procedure done. It can, and is done at major private hospitals in Nairobi although on the low low. Everyone involved knows that getting busted means a death penalty since the Kenyan constitution prohibits abortion, so it’s in their best interests to shut up about it.

So what’s my point? It surprises me that in this day and age, very many young people still engage in reckless sexual behaviour. Not only does one have to deal with unwanted pregnancy, but aren’t young people afraid of contracting HIV and other STDs? And in a place like South Africa with a shockingly high HIV rate (official stats at my university had it at 14%, but it’s suspected to be as high as 50%!!!!!) And where many students within the Kenyan circle sleep with each other on a rotational basis. It’s like one great Kenyan orgy down there. I’ve told guys severally that if one, just one Kenyan contracts HIV, best believe that guys will drop like flies! Especially for those who have casual sex when “the need” arises. How in heaven’s name do you meet a dude or a chic, then decide to go bump pelvises bila protection? Are you stupid or what? Some people have a death wish!

Something else I need to ask, does the responsibility of carrying condoms fall only on the dude? I had this debate with some of my friends last weekend, and some of the chics insist that it’s primarily the guy’s responsibility. OK but what happens if you’re in the mood but the jamaa doesn’t have any condoms at that moment? Or kwani the sex comes to you as a surprise? Ati “alaa…. legs, iz how mumejifungua?” I’d respect any chic that takes it upon herself to have condoms as well, coz it shows that she’s thinking ahead, being prepared for any eventuality. One doesn’t have to be thinking about getting laid to carry condoms, just as one doesn’t have to be preparing for a head on collision to wear a seatbelt. Ladies reading this, please advise.

And yes I had to go here. If you don’t like what you’re about to read, come bite my ass. SOME women (note the emphatic use of the word SOME) are very scheming creatures. Some fall pregnant with the intention of trapping the dude if he’s planning to leave her. Of course the pregnancy doesn’t happen via bluetooth or WiFi so it’s not as if she impregnated herself. But surely, if you’re going out with a dude, you guys are faithful to each other, you’ve both been tested and therefore decide to partake of the delicious chicken without wearing gloves while the chic is on the pill, I find it sickening that the chic can decide to stop using her contraceptives without telling the guy and therefore falls pregnant. How does one do that?

A pal of mine in SA was going out with a dangerously fwyne mama who was madly in love with him. The dude claims to love her too although it was no secret that he used to outsource regularly. Anyway the jamaa was about to graduate and go back to his home country, and the chic, knowing that that would probably mean the end of their three year relationship, stopped taking the pill and got pregnant. They had a son about 5 months ago and now he’s been forced to marry her!

A certain control freak I had the misfortune of having a thing with told me that her previous boyfriend wanted to break up with her, so she conveniently fell pregnant as a way of trapping him. It worked, the pregnancy part. Unfortunately she miscarried so her plan backfired coz once the guy found out the baby was no more, he took off! I don’t blame him. The stupid b*tch tried the same thing on me! I had tried severally to ditch her ass but she still kept coming back. So she pulled the same trick on me by trying to have unprotected sex (which I strictly do not do. I believe in no glove no love), but being the sharp ass jamaa that I am, I didn’t fall for it!!! Right now y’all would be calling me baba nanii.

I think such women should be shot. Repeatedly. Then hang from the closest tree until vultures and maggots finish the job. Then the bones should he fed to some stray dogs. I think that’s one of the most selfish things that you can possibly do to someone. I mean….How the fuck? If the dude decides that he’s leaving you, deal with it! Trapping the dude by getting pregnant is not a guarantee that you’ll live happily ever after.

Guys have always been accused of sambazaing the essence of their loins ovyo ovyo but to every story there are two sides! One of which is rarely ever considered. Not that I support guys with such behaviour.

We all know that Nini Wacera spews forth a lot of crap on radio, but for once she said something of maana a couple of weeks ago. Some chic called in and said that she was pregnant and her boyfriend took off and left her to deal with it. She was wondering whether to abort the toi or keep it, seeing that she was still in high school and she was afraid to face her parents with the news that she was pregnant. Nini said that a very high percentage of women will have at least one abortion in their lifetime. (Ladies, again please advise) She, as well as several other callers, advised the chic to keep the kid, even if the folks would throw a fit upon hearing that she’s pregnant. The folks will definitely be mad at you but once the kid is born, it’s all forgotten. Of the few chics I know who decided to keep the kid, none of them ever regretted their decision to keep the kid.

I’m firmly against abortion unless it’s in situations where it’s absolutely necessary. I just can’t see how someone can destroy a human life and act as if nothing ever happened, and then go back to living the same reckless life that got them into that situation in the first place. Doesn’t the guilt ever bother you? What if the kid could have grown to be the next Nelson Mandela or Wangari Maathai? If ever I got into the unfortunate predicament of early fatherhood, however painful and difficult as it may be, I’d strive to keep the kid. But unfortunately guys really don’t have a say in these matters and if the chic decides that she’s getting rid of it, there’s usually nothing much that you can do.

Question: should the dude have a say in the matter? I know it’s her body and the kid’s growing inside her, but he contributed to the pregnancy occuring. I’m not implying that he should coerce the chic into having the kid against her wishes, but if the dude is willing to accept the duties of fatherhood, don’t you think he should have a say?

I’m not judging the chics that have had abortions coz I know a great deal of thought goes into it before the decision is made, and only they can tell you what mental torture they undergo before deciding to “flush”. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And if keeping the kid would have messed up your life in one way or the other, hey! You do your thing.

Somehow in my own little way, I’m proud of the young chic for keeping the kids. Her mum spoils them thoroughly and it’s obvious that they’ve brought a great deal of happiness into their lives. I hope it’s given her a new focus in her life that now she’ll be more serious with school and with her career coz she knows she’s got someone depending on her now.


FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!

(Pic courtesy of Sunday Nation Head On Corrishon)

Our good friend James Kamangu has taken Bishop Margaret “The Glowreh!!” Wanjiru to court and among the things he’s demanding from her is a restoration of his conjugal rights!! Boss, do you even know what that is ama it’s been stuffed down your throat by those stupid characters from Maendeleo ya Wanaume?

KAMANGU KUWA SERIOUS!!!!

OK OK people, I’ve heard the demands for more regular posts to match the fancy paintjob. I must admit that I’ve been very lazy the last few weeks. I’ve been very introverted lately and I can count the number of times that I’ve left the digz. Before today, I last ventured out last Friday! That’s an entire week indoors. Doing what, you ask? Eating, sleeping, eating, watching tv, eating, dropping nukes over Osama’s hideout in the mountain ranges of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, sleeping some more, eating and playing Football Manager on my PC. Zero grazing tu. In fact I’ve gained quite a number of kilos since December 14th. When I came back from SA I was very underweight so I had to catch up. Only problem is that I don’t really see where all that weight is going to coz I look pretty much the same. Now I really need to get up off my ass and do something useful with myself.

A friend of mine recently made a comment about me that got me thinking. The jamaa says that I’m very narrow minded and un-experimentative (does such a word exist?) when it comes to women. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that he probably had a valid point. Most of my ex-girlfriends (plus the kadhaa miscellaneous clandes) look so alike that if you had them all in a police line-up, you’d think they’re all sisters! Yaani I’m attracted to one type of woman only and my mind completely switches off when presented with other options.

So what type of woman is Archer attracted to, you ask? Well…shorter than myself (tall chics scare the shit out of me, probably as a result of being bullied in praimo by some other tall chile), light skinned, and I like them healthy! As in generously endowed. Curvaceous if you like. Wouldn’t have it any other way, mazee I’m from the land of ingokho, I’m allowed!! Now what do I do with a pack of bones?

So where did all this come from? Well, the guy noticed that I’ve really been eyeing Grace Msalame (the host of KTN’s Str8 Up) and Karmah, the chic who did a collabo with Pam of Sema and kina Nameless, Jua Cali and Wyre on the song Tatizo (currently being overplayed but hey! I get to see her sura more often!!) That Karmah chile be fwyne! Very pretty babyface, million dollar smile tena coz her eyes light up. My boy hates on her ati she’s got Down’s syndrome coz she’s got a flat face and a tiny nose. I say even if she did have Downs Syndrome, she’d still be hot! With the little tu pimples forming a ka triangle on the sides of each eye. Beauty beyond. Now that’s the perfect description of my kind of woman.

Word has it that Grace is one of the most highly sought after chics in Nairobi at the moment but she keeps a very low profile, yaani no one knows anyone who knows her. Sharp chic. Of all the Str8 Up hosts (yes I know it’s a show for teenagers but with fwyne hosts like Grace and Anjlee, I’m a watch it!! The other pack of bones kaaz a dulaa kabisa and Andrew is so full of himself yet he can’t read the bloody autocue. Illiterate pompous bugger!) I think Grace is the most mature and intelligent looking of the lot plus me thinks she’s got a good personality to match. In addition, she has a posterior that Google Earth would only be too glad to help you locate. And if anyone was as idle as I was last evening (Thursday 8th Feb) chica was looking tight yaani a goddess has nothing on her!!

So that sums up my two current crushes. Unfortunately I’ve searched the internet for pics of Grace, but the one at Surazuri agency’s website must be of her neighbour coz she’s definitely much fwyner then that. As for Karma, I’m sure y’all have seen the video for Tatizo. If not, keep watching TV and you’ll see it. She’s on the back cover of today’s Pulse magazine though, I’ll scan it and post it next week. Mmm mmm mmm!! Hot maneno!

A.O.B

One of these fine days I’m going to take a hammer and smash the TV!! Why is it that every time I turn it on, there’s MTV Base showing either that tired character “The Game” jumping over fences and showing off his multiple chains, or the incredibly ugly “Lil Wayne” showing off his thao tattoos, thinking he’s so cool with his jeans sagging down to his knees? I just can’t stand seeing the same sh*t over and over again!

And what’s with every other rapper throwing around hundred dollar bills? Ata kama you want us to believe that you’re successful like that, I don’t think that’s appropriate, ama? What are you trying to show us yet we know the Rolls-Royce Phantoms and Lamborghini Murcielagos in your videos are all hired? And so is much of your bling and the big ass houses with 10 jacuzzis and swimming pools? Si you use that money you’re throwing around to buy your own?

Other “artistes” that I think should be shot in the ass are Omarion for that wack new track featuring Timbaland. He’s got zero acting skills as well. Chris Brown the ka teenager is the second. Dude thinks he’s the re-incarnation of Usher. Can someone please encourage him to seek an alternative career as a butcher or a vet or something along that line?

One of the reasons why I do not listen to hip hop is coz I don’t like the way that women have been disrespected and objectified, dissed left and right by being referred to in some very unsavoury terms. But I find it ridiculous that for some of the most vulgar hip hop tracks that exist, you find that it’s the chics who enjoy them more than guys do. Sample this. You’re in a club and Ying Yang Twins “Wait-The Whisper Song” is playing, and it’s the mamaz yelling at the top of their voices till their throats go sore:

Wait till you see my d***/
Wait till you see my d***/
Hey b****/
Wait till you see my d***/
I’m a beat that p**** up!!

In that case I say, RAP ON!!

Good morning folks!

New year, new changes!! As you can see, I've been doing a bit of
housekeeping around mi casa. After fidgetting around with this new
template for 3 months now, I've finally been able to upload it onto my
blog. Now that the Kaybees might be coming up in a few months, that
category for "best modified template" si mnaijua? Yes, that one. Si
you'll remember to nominate and vote for pwana Archer in that
category? Yes, najipigia debe, una shida? (bribes of the frothy nature
can be organized though. See me sideways! [nione kando] *I can't
remember which KBWer came up with this here phrase in 2006 but
unajijua, sivyo?*)

Now, not everything is easy breezy. In order for the new template to
work, we had to revert to the old version of Blogger, as it does not
support the new version. So this is basically a trial run. Please be
generous with your opinions and feedback.
a) What do you think about the new template?
b) How easy is it to navigate around the blog?
c) For those of you on the new version of Blogger, can you still post
comments here without having to switch to anonymous?

All this would not have been possible without the generous assistance
of my good sir, the chief KBW pimp/ comedian extraordinaire Aegeus.
Big Ups! Kudos go to KBW Admin as well for their advice and assistance
with this template during the earlier stages. Big ups to you too.

Na hiyo…(looks around mi casa appreciating the new paintjob)…ni maendeleo!