After reading the Daily Nation article on 25th December 2006 about 63% of single women in Kenya having not found suitable men to marry them, I thought it was ridiculous to suggest something like that. I wanted to write up a post about it but Stackofstiffyz and Aco beat me to it. A few responses to that article have been written in last Saturday’s edition of the Nation, but what made my day was Flakes (Saturday Magazine) by Kate Getao who compares courtship to procurement. She says:

“Like courtship, part of the problem why so many procurements are unsuccessful are the mandatory requirements. This is a list of conditions that must be fulfilled for the bid to succeed. Most young ladies have a very long list of impossible requirements so that most young men who knock on their doors fail to meet the requirements and are declared substantially non responsive.”

My main man Oyunga Pala joins in with this:

“The needs of today’s Kenyan woman are beyond anything that their mothers ever fathomed. No fellow besides a TV caricature could ever meet these standards. Women are well aware of this but it doesn’t stop them from continual fantasy. Real men are very basic. Take another look at your father.”

Another article in the same Saturday magazine by one Cosmas Butunyi says:

“…the crisis is not due to a shortage in the XY chromosome combination. There are droves of men roaming the streets, many more are landing at the maternity wings, and many, many more are being conceived. It’s just that they do not bear the elusive characteristics that would make them pass for what the female fraternity would like to call Mr. Right. For starters, a weak wallet is the brothers’ tallest shortcoming.”

He further adds:

“The single and selectively searching sisters also claim that men are ruthless dogs with the unfaithful mind of a cockerel, masquerading as humans. What escapes the feminine minds is the fact that the dudes are outdoing themselves to fit the bad boy image. Apparently this is what turns the girls, knees into jelly”

Well said. I’m not hating against our dear Kenyan sisters, we love you all but tafadhali yaani, let’s be realistic here. I’m sure there is a way in which we can co operate. Serious adjustments to current perceptions and expectations have to be made, and step one would be for y’all to quit watching those low budget Mexican soaps and come back down to earth. Good single men do exist na tena wako weeeeeengi sana. In fact I consider myself to be one and I have lots of character witnesses to prove this (Kenyanchick & Kipepeo please step forward) Look in the right places and you will find that good man. I can’t tell you where exactly to look, (coz it’s not like we all hang out at the same place) but I can advise you to keep your eyes open. In fact, if you start now, you just might perfect the art of attracting the right men and save yourself the embarrassment of being 30 something, single but desperately searching, but where the requirement list has been reduced from:

1. Must be tall dark and handsome (??)
2. Must have plenty of cash to spend on me (and my friends)
3. Must have a fancy car (with a Mitsubishi Galant being the starting point)
4. Must perform at par with a nuclear powered dildo.
5. Must be willing to fund a lavish wedding within the next year or so, complete with diamond rings, Saville Row suits, a fleet of silver Mercedes Benz, honeymoon in Hawaai or some other tiny island in the middle of nowhere

to:

1. A man who won’t beat me
2. A man who can still see his toes while standing upright.
3. A man who can give me at least one orgasm a month.

In a related matter, please have a look at this commentary that appeared in the Sunday Standard concerning Bishop Margaret “The Glowreh! Of the Lordah! Is here!” Wanjiru, she of the ” A man once offered himself to me, but I told him, I don’t-ah accept-a cheap-a gifts-a” fame, and her South African fiancé, one Bishop Matjeke. Enyewe that dude looks very suspect, he appears to have a permanent “mugshot” expression with a fishy smile like he’s been smoking some cheap weed.Dude must have served time at Pollsmoor Prison, or a few months kwa rumande. Kwani she couldn’t find herself a better specimen? (But even judging from the ex hubby…she just has straight up bad taste) Bishop Wanjiru KUWA SERIOUS!!

The dude looks so timid yaani it’s so obvious who wears the pants in that family. I’m sure Wanjiru will kalia him proper!

The author says:

“A word of caution to our girls: if you wish to cure loneliness with a foreigner, look for a good one. For the sake of our Vision 2030, we need good genes especially if they remain with us. It is wrong for our young women to grab the next grizzlied foreigner in the name of going international. If you must eat a toad, look for the juiciest!”

I’ve really been enjoying the unfolding drama between Bishop Wanjiru and her alleged ex-hubby James Kamangu. Waaaah! Now if I thought Bishop Bafana looks suspect, Kamangu looks like a proper thug! Wrong number. He looks like he can unleash a one man mob on your ass with the slightest provocation. One of his hobbies must be attending public lynchings in Gachie area, just to add a few kicks here and there. Have you seen his expression, tena when he has his face slightly lowered? Even bila eyebrows, bado anatisha!

I’m trying to imagine a chance encounter between Kamangu, Wanjiru and Bishop “Suspicious” Matjeke:

Scene: Bishop Wanjiru’s residence. One fine Saturday afternoon. She’s watching a re-run of her weekly show the previous Sunday, and giggling as she sees how she abused Kamangu. “He can get a rope, hang himself, then we shall do the funeral” she repeats word for word. “Suspicious” Matjeke is taking a nap on the adjacent sofa. Sweet dreams….Wanjiru yu mfukoni, dude has seen the safe and confirmed that he’s hit the jackpot proper. Ahh…no worries for him. But alas!

(Loud thumping at the door): WAJIRO!! WAAAJIRO!! FUGUA HAPA HARAKA!!

Wanjiru: (spilling coffee on self as she jolts at the shock of hearing THAT familiar voice) WOI NJISAS!!! How the…….(Getting up hurriedly) MATJEKEE!!

Suspicious Matjeke: (Dazed out of his mind, leaps into attention, complete with salute) Yebo Afande!! (Probably was reminiscing about the dark old days at Pollsmoor Prison)

Wanjiru: Wuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiii hako Kamangu kamekuja!!

Suspicious Matjeke: (Quickly leaps behind nearest sofa, scared out of his mind)

Wanjiru: (Surprised) What the hell are you doing?

Suspicious Matjeke: But Maggie…I’m scared! What if he hits me?

Wanjiru: Did I marry a Zulu warrior or a hwizo {weasel} Get out of there and do something! Braddy coward!

Kamangu: (still banging door) Unadhani utaederea kunishafuashafua tu freestairo (freestyle) kwa gazeti? Fugua hapa unitukane ukiniona! Nionyeshe hizo jiggers unasema ati niko nazo! Reo nitakutwanga mpaka utaimbaimba kama kinanda!

Wanjiru: (Petrified) My dear Jesus….. Matjeke can you do something!!

Suspicious Matjeke: (Still cowering in fear, trembling visibly) but Maggie………

Wanjiru: Don’t you Maggie me! Kuja hapa!! (grabs Matjeke by the collar and drags him in direction of the door) Can you stop behaving like a kihii!

Suspicious Matjeke: Afande vhane usinihandeeeeeeeeeeeeee!*

(Fill in for yourselves what happened next)

OK back to the topic, I find the author’s insinuation about Kenyan men a bit …er……interesting

Wanjurah says:

“The flip side of the Bishop Bafana Bafana love is an indictment of our men. They don’t seem to possess adequate mettle to snare good girls. Alternatively, they are so generous that, in practical Pan-Africanism, they are willing to release their Wanjirus to foreigners.”

(S)he adds:

“How a nation’s man allow foreigners to snatch prized daughters without demur speaks volumes about their chivalry. Serious men strive to own their women – at least the best girls and never mind by which measure. If a community marries off to foreign lands all its good maidens, it is probably more out of social malaise and courtship limitations than hospitality and love for integration.”

What do you guys think we as Kenyan men should deduce from this? That we are inadequate? That we’re not being protective enough of our women? Na huyu Bishop “Suspicious” Bafana achukue mali yetu ama akwende?

*K-South -Mr Policeman.This track is sooo hilarious!

A.O.B

Those who were demanding for the report on the meet up with Kenyanchick, y’all were too slow with the bribes!! What happened? Let’s just say that KC came through with a very handsome bribe to keep my mouth shut about the night out. So that report has been BENCHED indefinitely! Poleni sana. You snooze, you lose.


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