Ok so everyone’s talking about Casino Royale and writing up reviews, so I’m not about to bore y’all with yet another amateur review, when there’s the likes of Movie Buff a.k.a “Wikipedia” & Couch ‘tato to get a better review from. So I’ll be short, brief, concise and to the point. (difference?)

What I like

1. A more realistic story, not about some deranged sadist trying to take over the world using some fancy secret weapon.

2. The usual twists in the tale concerning betrayal by Bond’s closest allies.

3. Daniel Craig: me thinks his acting was on point. Which makes me wonder what the hullabaloo about a blonde James Bond was all about. OK well he’s not the suave woman magnet that Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan were, but for the sake of the new direction that the 007 movie has taken, I could say he’s ok. Finally a 007 who can hold his own in a fight! I admire his blunt personality “Do I look like I give a damn?”

4. Judi Dench as M: I can’t picture any other actress in the world playing the role of M. She carries it quite well. Favourite line “utter another syllable and I’ll have you killed!”

5. Solange!!! Need I say more?

What I didn’t like

1. Too much CGI, especially in the scene where 007 was chasing the bomb guy through the construction site. I mean, the fakeness was too much yawa!

2. What a waste of an Aston Martin!! Not even a decent chase through some narrow streets or something? Just a two minute chase down a curvy road then that’s it? Kuwa serious!

3. What is a 007 movie without the death defying stunts that leave one riveted to his seat? I was disappointed by the lack of action.

4. 007 falling in love? Aw come on!

5. What a crappy theme song!

6. M showing a hint of emotion? Alaa?

7. The torture scene. THE BLOODY TORTURE SCENE!! I can talk for ages about this scene alone! In fact, I will!

The torture scene!

When I saw Le Chiffre rip through the seat with a knife, I thought “sasa unataka Bond aketi wapi?” little did I know what was to follow! That sh*t was painful! PAINFUL I TELL YOU! If you have a pair of “maguados” between your legs then you definitely know what I’m talking about. That shit was not a joke and it annoys me that some people take it out to be just that!

Picture this: right leg crossed tightly over left leg, right hand forming protective cover over “unmentionables” (Milo 2006) in a manner reminiscent of hapless defenders forming a wall to block a ndole from that lunatic Roberto Carlos, left hand covering eyes leaving only a tiny slit to peer through, and a hint of a watery eyes accompanied by an audible “YEEEOOOOUCH” every time Le Chiffre swung his rope at Bond’s….eh….um… those ones (in unison with many of the dudes in the cinema!). The random chic seated to my right was so amused by my contortionist maneuvers that she lent me a comforting hand and whispered “it’ll be ok” I almost ropokad “Woman how the f*** is it going to be ok?”

Later on I recalled reading a certain review of Casino Royale written from a “feminist” perspective, in particular the perception/role of women in the movie. This is nothing personal, but I can’t help wondering how someone would go out to watch the movie and only see things from this one sided point of view. Are you serious? Rather, are you for real? This is a very dangerous way of thinking! I’d call it fishing for an agenda while missing out on other more obvious aspects.
For example, I can say the movie is racist coz the black guy in the Casino is big fat and dense and has no sense of dress whatsoever, and he was among the first to lose the game. Or why is it that one white man (Bond) can beat up a bunch of black men thus making them look like absolute fools. That’s not a realistic way of thinking about it. It makes one miss out on the gist of the movie. Ok so the black kids on the beach were running after a white woman on a horse. Would you rather that they be playing with their PSPs (PlayStation Portable) or something of the sort? It’s just a thing that kids do! Let them run after the horse. Probably they were hoping to get a ride on it or something. It’s totally un-necessary to over analyse such things coz believe me the human mind can conjure up anything it desires to. You only see what your eyes want to see.

Back to brother James and his guados. That sh8t was seriously traumatizing! This is not a laughing matter my friends, it is not. So compose thyself. Imagine what was going through my mind after I went to the little boys room shortly after the movie and in the middle of things, the dude standing next to me at the urinal starts swinging with his lanyard with a big bunch of keys attached to the end.

Imagine the millions of men around the world who not only have to worry about sore bollocks for one night, but the fact that that one torture scene has given their wives ideas?

Think about it this way. After the whole Bobbitt affair, millions of men lived in daily fear of their wives chopping off their artillery as they slept. I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbers of male psychiatric patients rose soon after that. My point is, misandry is slowly creeping into our society, it’s been expressed in film for decades, and no one’s seeing it. Open your eyes and look around you. Yeah I know it’s just a movie, but my point is that we’re living in a time where male bashing is increasing by the day.

The mere fact that guys don’t really speak out about it doesn’t mean we’re not affected by it. Would there be any difference if, for example, Solange was tortured by having her nipples chopped off with a sharp sword, or having them attached to a high voltage power source with a pair of pliers? Definitely we’d never hear the end of it! The press, the feminists, especially those of the keyboard variety would have a field day! But it’s ok for guys to have their balls knocked around in every other movie? I hope I’m making some sense here?

So who’s there to speak out for us poor men?


There are malicious rumours doing the rounds in my comments page that EABL has stopped the production of Pilsner Ice. Can someone please run to the nearest pub and confirm if it’s true? I’m serious!