July 2006

As you can see, I’ve decided to delete my previous post about the alleged Lorna Irungu porn pics. I received plenty of negative comments about it, some even bordering on the brink of abusive and emotional.

It takes a real man to own up to his mistakes and to make amends for them, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Not to please anyone who was not impressed by the post, but because it is the right thing to do. Despite the anonymity that I enjoy in blogosphere, I still do have morals and a conscience.

Clearly my so called “well informed sources” aka “insiders” were not truthful with that information and I was led to believe that the chic in the pics was Lorna. It turned out not to be. Many of you already know the truth about the origin of the pics and the identity of the chic, and I thank you for showing me the light. At least I’ll be better placed to inform others who are still convinced that it is indeed Lorna. In that case I truly apologise to Lorna (though I highly doubt that she’ll be reading this) for contributing in my own way to tarnishing her good reputation, and to anybody else who felt offended by the post. That was definitely not my intention, I thought I was merely exercising my freedom of speech and opening up a can of worms was definitely not what I had in mind.

I literally shot myself in the foot over that issue coz after reading one of my previous posts about Kenyans and our rumour mongering and gossiping habits, I still went out and basically did the same thing that I was criticizing! How stupid was that?

Haiya, now to you, James. First, thanks for reading my posts and for your generous comments. Much appreciated. But as for your vitriolic comments, all I can say is that however much I try to write stuff that people will read and hopefully enjoy, I blog, first and foremost, for myself, to express my thoughts and feelings about events that occur in my life. I’m not here to please or suck up to anyone. I understand that you were offended by the post, many people were. But there was no need to get all emotional and vitriolic.

(which reminds me of something I’ve always thought about but I’ve never got round to proving. One can argue with facts and win [or lose] but once one starts an argument fuelled by emotion, just concede defeat and let go. Coz you definitely won’t win! And that’s why women always “win” arguments! Coz we let them!)

This experience has taught me a couple of things. Don’t believe everything you hear. Freedom of expression comes at a price. And that KBW has a very mature membership and audience. I’m impessed.

Anyway I hope this successfully settles the matter once and for all. Now let’s get on with life.


A few other subtle changes on the blog, my profile pic is now in colour (is that really newsworthy?) and The Acolyte was kind enough to let me harass him for a few weeks to upload a stats counter onto my blog. Asante sana. Beers on me at a meet-up in future.


I just received this email and it was so hilarious, I felt I had to share it! Enjoy!

This is a real story!

A story is told of this young girl who boarded a matatu from town (NRB). The Matatu was headed for Western Kenya.

On reaching Westlands the gal got from her seat and walked to thedriver and asked, ‘Tumefika Naivasha?”

In amazement the driver answered her, “bado mtoto”

On they moved and on reaching Kangemi the gal walked to the driver again, “Tumefika Naivasha?”

“Bado” the driver replied.

After another 10 mins, the girl asked the same question and the same answer was given. The driver was by now getting very irritated by the little one who was asking if they had reached Naivasha after every few minutes but the passengers just looked on.

The next time she asked, the driver promised that he would alert her when they got to Naivasha, “Tukifika Naivasha, nitakuambia.”

So the young one relaxed, sat on her seat and perhaps even blacked out. On reaching Naivasha, the driver had neatly forgotten the deal, so he continued driving and twenty minutes after Naivasha the girl stood up and asked the driver the usual question.

Oh Oh, the driver had no words now that he had forgotten to keep his promise. The fellow passengers in anger started quarrelling the driver for failing the young girl. They demanded that she be driven back to Naivasha then they proceed to wherever they were going.

Being the good guy that he was, the driver turned the matatu around and drove back to Naivasha and told the girl, “Sasa tuko Naivasha.”

The girl stood up, stretched her hands to the luggage rack, picked her bag, opened it, removed bread and milk, sat down and started eating the bread and drinking the milk.

Now everyone in the matatu wondered and just looked at the gal. So the driver goes, “Tumefika Naivasha, si ushuke!” and the girl goes, “Mami aliniambia nikifika Naivasha, nitoe mkate yangu na maziwa nikule.”

“Na unaenda wapi?” asked the driver.

The girl replies calmly and in between munches…”Naenda Kakameka”

I’m back in blogosphere after a three weeks’ winter vacation in freezing Johannesburg. Well I haven’t really been missing in action, it’s just that I was having way too much fun to sit and type out my thoughts. I’ve been lurking around the KBW Aggregator though, hapa na pale kwa akina KenyanMusings na Acolyte enjoying some rather interesting but pointless drama (up at KM’s). It’s interesting to see how daft some people can be. But I guess basic logic isn’t common in all human beings. Some were nyimwad when it was being dished out.

Every November when I get back to Nairobi and meet my pals, guys are always like “My guy, si you bring those Rands we saidia you to finish them?” or “si you throw pints? Umetoka ng’ambo bana, hauwezi kosa chapaa!” I don’t know where guys get this idea that once you leave the country, you instantly start balling wherever you are. If only they knew how tough life is out here especially for a student. I don’t have a job coz I could say I’m fortunate enough not to need one. But still, it’s not as if I get a hundred grand a month. And when poverty strikes, boy does it strike HARD! You’ll understand what I mean if you’ve ever had a meal that consists of any of the following:

a) popcorn, a mandazi, black sugarless coffee
b) ice cubes and onions (SERIOUS!!)
c) dry bread escorted by the aroma of fried chicken from next door, and tap water
d) ugali na uji (where the uji is the mboga for the ugali)
e) ugali kubwa na ugali ndogo (where the small ugali is the mboga for the big ugali)

I can assure you that the above menu is not made up coz I’ve had some of the above on various occasions over the last three years, the most recent being a few nights ago where I had option (a). The last two were my neighbour’s two years ago.

I’ve just come back from vacation and before leaving I’d split my cash into two separate bank accounts and left one debit card at home and gone with the other one. Having cleaned out one account while in Jozi, I knew I had some cash in the other account when I got back but alas! The schoopid gym decided to deduct subscription fees for the last four months by debit order coz apparently they had a problem with their systems so they didn’t charge me before. So there I was staring at the ATM in utter disbelief as it spat out my card screaming in bold letters “TRANSACTION CANNOT BE COMPLETED DUE TO INSUFFICIENT FUNDS!!” What the f***?!

Getting home, my housemates had been partying heavily during the vacation so their funds were low as well. We organized a harambee chap chap to buy dinner and it was almost laughable to discover that our collective net worth was less than the price of a kuku down at the mini supermarket!! As we sat watching some soap opera on TV and passed the popcorn round, the commercial break comes on and it’s almost always something to do with food! Steers, KFC, McDonalds, Nandos, Spur Steak ranch etc and it’s sooo annoying when you can’t afford even the cheapest item on the menu and the advert does nothing but diss you and make you hungrier!! There’s always a family at a restaurant biting large chunks of their chicken/steak and smiling to each other in satisfaction, then someone turns to the camera saying “try out our delicious 300g spare ribs today for only R49.95! Now with a new secret barbecue sauce!” On several occasions I’ve been tempted to smash the bloody TV to pieces coz of this. Have you ever stared at a steak on TV till you can actually taste the “secret barbecue sauce” in your mouth?

That’s how I manage to shed 8 kilos during the year, but mama Archer has always been one to stuff my belly full with her wonderful home cooking so I always manage to regain the lost weight and more in only 2.5 months…only to lose it all over again the next year. Silly cycle. (I’m a skinny dude, so yes I’m allowed to wish for some weight!)

Life is tough guys, it really is. So this November, dare any idiot come up to solicit for pints with the quotes above, ati “aaaah beste! Ati umerudi? Mimi nimekuwa hapa hapa tu. Si vile umeosa huko ng’ambo si utununulie tu ka Tusker moja…..” I’m a slap the black off your face coz you have absolutely no idea what I’ve been through!

My three favourite Kenyan tracks:

1. Ritwa Riaku (Eric Wainaina): so beautiful. Instrumental plus vocals. If only I knew what he says!
2. Mane Wabet (Mercy Myra): not sure if that’s the name of the track though. Great instrumental but same as above: if only I knew what she says!
3. Katika (Indigenous): the instrumental is too deadly + the chic’s got a sexy voice! And it makes lunjez sound gisty ati “hako ka-maji…mbili mbili…” the rest of the lyrics are two bob though.

What are your favourite Kenyan tracks?

Ok Archer was a little careless and left the PC on, right on Blogger where I was editing some posts yet to appear here then I got busted! Yes, my cover has been blown! What to do now, change identity? Done that already, less than a month ago coz of the same carelessness on my part. But I’m feeling Archer, so I’m not about to change that any time soon unless I really have to. Anyway, the buster (can I call him that) was quite enthusiastic about this whole blogging thing and I had to pay a little bribe so that he keeps my identity under wraps. (trust Kenyans to solicit for bribes even from family members! Shamelessly yaani!) So the bribe was that I’d give him some airtime on my blog as a guest blogger. I thought about it and I thought it was a small price to pay for my anonymity so why not? Ok guy, you’ve got your 15 seconds of fame. Do your thing!


I am a Kenyan who has lived outside Kenya for the past six years. Six years isn’t long but if you consider that these six years were the personality forming years of my life, the years when my eyes were open to the real world, a world so different to the PS 1 games that have become the modern day folk tales. The game consoles are the village elders and the games themselves are the tales. But that’s a story for another day. So forgive me if I am not in touch with what’s going down on ground zero.

I would like to start my blogging career by commenting on something that I have seen creeping out of the wood works as South Africa enters it’s adolescent age. The thing that I want to talk about is freedom bashing. I am guilty of doing this so I can safely say I comment objectively. I happened to have the opportunity to read KenyanMusing’s interesting post about her getting a good hard fuck, but due to my quiet sexual habits I dismissed her article without giving it much of a thought and even suggested that it shouldn’t have been there. But I was wrong, she was expressing her freedom of speech, and she had every right to put it there. It’s only after reading more and more of her posts that I began to admire the intellect and great sense of humour that this chic is endowed with. I must admit that I fell for the same trap many of my peers fall for, bashing the freedom just because it’s not the freedom that we want. I think some of us really need to go and check up the denotation “Freedom”.

A few weeks ago I was listening to some talk radio; the DJ was interviewing a high profile Joburg socialite. She has been getting a lot of beef cause she is honest to everybody about what she is all about. This chic is about fur coats, German cars, beauty parlors, stiletto heels and of course the ICE. Now she is 20, she’s engaged to some mega high roller who happens to be somewhere bordering on 50. He pays for everything so if you’re thinking she’s a gold digger you may be right.

This interview happened to take place during the 30-year anniversary of the Sharpeville Massacre, so there were a lot of emotions flowing through the air. as expected people called in and had there say, but there happened to be a particular caller who peeked my interest. He said that all that was fought for in 1976 was all in vain as we as the modern generation have not lived up to the freedom they thought they would get. I am telling you this guy dissed this chic savagely. My problem is that this guy’s tip was that today we are not living up to the ideals that they were brought up to several years ago. He was putting us down for living freely we were expressing the same freedom that they fought for.

Anyway this is just an example of this ideology and it’s not restricted to the older generation either. I hope we can allow people to express themselves whatever way they feel like coz it’s their freedom and nobody else’s.


Archer’s note: This A-name business is not a family thing so don’t even ask. Anyway, Angelus has really taken a liking to reading Kenyan blogs since I introduced him to it. He promises to reveal more about himself and why he chose the name Angelus real soon. So look out for some young promising talent soon to join blogosphere.