I’m sure some of you must have read KM’s post about the CFA (Convenient F****** Arrangement) where things did not quite go according to plan coz the CFA got married to some chic and instantly relegated poor Ms KM onto the bilaz train. If you haven’t read the post yet, search for it in KM’s recent archives (KenyanMusings) coz I’m bila clue on how to do the linking thing. It’s only my 3rd post so I’m allowed!

Many of us have found ourselves involved in a strokes arrangement at some point. I know I did, once in my late teens and again in the recent past. And me vile I’m such a kubaf, I made the same assumptions and mistakes the second time round. Never fall for the CFA coz you’ll end up getting hurt!

The thing is, how can’t you fall for your CFA partner? I mean, this is a person you’ve shared your most intimate moments with for a long period of time! The first time y’all get your freak on, it’s mad shagging followed by a cigarette! In fact, it’s magic! You appear, we shag and you disappear! Simple as that! Call a cab and send her home. Tena she’s paying for herself!

As time goes by, you get more and more open with this person even though you both know it’s only for the sex. No emotional attachments. Just the shag. With time you actually start having real conversations that do not involve sex. You get to know who the other person really is, and you just love the CFA’s personality. You share a laugh and you even find yourself calling her once in a while “just to say wsup.” You realize that within no time, you’ve fallen for the CFA!

But how couldn’t you? I mean, you obviously were attracted to CFA (that’s how the whole strokes arrangement thing started out in the first place, innit?) Someone whose face was the first thing you saw for many a morning, someone who you felt so free and open with, without the hustles of a relationship like the CFA getting pissed off when you decide to spend Saturday afternoon with your boys watching Premier League instead of spending time with her. Someone whose morning breath you even got used to and you could chat with for an hour in bed before the thought of brushing your teeth even crossed your mind! (ok now that’s just plain gross!)

It’s inevitable! Repeated sex leads to emotional attachment! At some point you’ll realize that the person actually means more to you than just the raw animal sex and porn movie stunts that you’re not afraid to try out with them. But you can’t let CFA know how you feel, coz that’s why she’s your CFA in the first place. There’s a reason why the two of you can’t be together and the last thing she needs is to know that her CFA’s fallen for her! So you play it cool. The sex becomes more passionate (on your part!) and you hope that she’ll get the point. The language of sex.

YOU WILL FALL FOR YOUR CFA EVENTUALLY!! 90% of the time! Show me one person who’s had a successful long term strokes arrangement and didn’t fall for the other person and I’ll show you a first class liar!

Then one day when you thought everything was going ok (guaranteed shag at the touch of her assigned speed-dial number) the CFA decides to spring the mother of all shocks on your black ass and pulls a disappearing act on you. You’ve been declared persona non grata, bila explanation!! After all, what made you think you deserved one? You were just a mere side-dish! Whoever heard of a side-dish having any rights?

You stare at your phone hoping it will ring but….naatsing! (Nothing!) You remember how at the heat of passion CFA used to wika to her ancestors and say you’re the best lay she ever had, and you hope that it still counts for something.,, but… naatsing! You attempt to call her but she doesn’t answer. Mteja hapatikani. You even call her on private number but she ignores the call coz she knows it’s you!

Get the point idiot, It’s over!

Ok so now you’ve been left high and dry and discarded like a used tampon. Coz probably that’s all you were to her, just a tool to get the job done. You find yourself back on the bilaz train, tena huko nyuma in third class on the wooden seats and found that someone was so kind as to keep your seat warm coz they knew for a fact that you’d be back sooner or later. (boy don’t I just love jacking KBW lingo?)

What next?

Heartbreak. Hangovers. Blog posts such as this! You swear you’ll never have a CFA EVER again. Never heeeva! Yeah, that’s what you said when you flunked the last major exams “I’ll never do last minute studying again!” but you still do. And you still flunk. Jinga!

The question is, what ARE the rules for having a successful long term CFA? Are there any rules? Or are we just lying to ourselves that the concept of a “successful” CFA even exists in the first place?

Some of the best relationships are based on lies and deceit, coz eventually that’s where they all end up anyway.


It’s just occured to me that I’ve been writing my posts in BOLD! Poleni sana. Ni ushamba. Still getting used to this stuff so mistakes do happen occasionally!