Note: Certain parts of this post have been edited.

 

One very tall chap by the name of Mo Maalim threatened to lead a bunch of hawkers and mechanics from Grogan to protest outside my house if I failed to put up a post by today! LOL! Sorry for being away so long folks!

For some reason I always seem to date women from the same community. I think it’s just by sheer coincidence. I’m a sucker for them light skinned sisters. But I come from a family of pure tribalists. Well, not exactly, but my dad is an unrepentant tribalist. Whenever I get a new girlfriend, his first question is always “What tribe is she?”

My older step brother has followed in my dad’s footsteps coz he’s another shameless unrepentant tribalist. The two have a deep dislike for Kenyans from a certain community.

My mother, on the other hand, couldn’t care less. She’s met and had lengthy conversations with only two of my numerous past girlfriends. Funny thing is that she could barely remember them the next day! (I think that’s where I get my goldfish memory from) I think she’s just glad that I turned out straight, so she doesn’t care who I date, as long as she has breasts and wears skirts.

A few months ago, I was dating this girl from said community. Every time my dad or my bro called me, among the first questions they would ask is “Has she stolen your furniture yet? Don’t trust those women! Don’t leave them alone in your house or you can come back and find even the house itself has been stolen!”

I remember a phone conversation with my dad during the last rainy season in early November of last year. We chatted about this, that and the other, then he asked

“I hear it’s raining very hard in Nairobi, I hope you have a nice plump healthy woman to keep you warm at night”

(now I know where my taste for curvaceous women comes from!)

“Eh…something like that”

“So you have one?”

“Yes I do”

“Ni kabila gani?”

“Eish Dad, that is not important. What matters is the character and…”

“No no no my friend! Why don’t you ever listen to me? I’m telling you I know those women! I know them very well! Watakudanganya ati wanakupenda kumbe wanarukaruka huko nje na watakuletea ukimwi. Be very careful with that one!”

**Edited**

My step bro and I are very close and we talk quite often and meet up for drinks whenever time allows. His tabias are exactly like my dad’s. In fact, they are so alike that if either was to call me on private number, I wouldn’t know which one I’m talking to for the first minute. Though my dad addresses me as “my friend” and my bro as “Kijana”.

“Kijana, how many times must I tell you about those people? Did you see what they did to our country last year? Uliona? Na bado tu unaendelea kuwad***a?? I know those girls, aki kijana if you know what’s good for you, just look for another one coz huyu atakuletea shida tu!”

This coming from a chap who got trapped when his soon to be ex-girlfriend got off the pill and got pregnant.

“Enough about me and my woman, how is yours?”

“Mazee huyu dame ameniweza. Kila siku ni hivi, kesho ni hivyo, sasa ako karibu ku-drop mjunior na anataka ati Aga Khan na mi sina hizo chapaa! Mazee niko stressed!”

Doofus squared.

Both of them have women from other communities other than the main one they share a dislike for. I find it quite hilarious that they should say such things about my taste in women considering that **Edited** So, does that have anything to do with their tribe?

Anyway, that relationship came to an end shortly thereafter, and it had nothing to do with theft, deceit, STDs, infidelity or anything nefarious of the sort. It just didn’t work out so we went our separate ways.

The other day at the pub, guys were locked in a very heated argument about sexual stereotypes of the various tribes in Kenya. I made the unfortunate generalization that most Kenyan girls are the type who get your blood racing with their flirting, body language only to be complete disappointments in bed.

“You kubaf that’s coz you only date chics from THAT tribe, everyone knows they’re useless in bed! Si urushe mishale a bit further away from that province?”

That incident, plus a lot of prodding from my mzee and big bro forced me to aim my arrows a bit further and soon they landed on a neighbouring province. This chic, we met many years ago in high school and there was mutual attraction between us, but sadly I was already in a long term relationship with this kubaf so nothing could happen then. We wrote letters to and fro and she respected the fact that I already had a girlfriend so she said she wouldn’t come between us. We flirted casually and toyed with the idea of hooking up someday in the future.

After high school, we kinda lost touch for a while, then I was out of the country for a few  years and that made things worse. We more or less forgot about each other’s existence. Then, we met randomly on the hanye two years ago.

“Damn Archer!”

She said as she visually digested me from head to toe

“You look good enough to eat!”

Haha! I find it very hard to resist a woman who’s attracted to me. Men just don’t know how to react to compliments. Me? I melt shamelessly! The few who know that also know that the easiest way to get anything out of me is through flattery. It always works. Except when I know what you’re driving at.

So we exchanged numbers, sadly we never got round to making use of that. Along the way, I lost a phone here and there so I lost her number.

We met on Facebook late last year and that was convenient since I spend most of my time online. We began chatting and catching up on what we’ve been up to over the last several years. She was single, I was in a relationship fast approaching its sell-by date. She told me to call her up sometime to have a drink, and I promised that I would.

And that’s how this incident occurred. We had a very heated fling for about three months. What beats having an incredibly beautiful woman that I had a lot in common with and we were compatible? And the sex? I’m not that big a fan of Jill Scott but I can relate to what she says in “Love Rain”:

At night we would watch the stars/and (s)he would give me each and every one/…Better than love, we made delicious/…I could hear his her rhythm in my thoughts/

Three months later, she started becoming distant. A lot of probing later, she revealed that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and she feared that that was where I was heading with her. And that slowly began the end of that fling. It fizzled out early this year leaving me heartbroken.

A few weeks later, she changed her relationship status on Facebook to “in a relationship” with some chap. Haiiiiiiya?? So I followed the link to his profile and thankfully his privacy settings were low so I was able to access his photos.

I’m not hating, but roho safi, that’s got to be one of the ugliest men I’ve ever laid eyes on. I’m not just saying that coz he got the woman in the end, but for real ame-beat vishenzi. Yaani ako down tu sana mpaka even some Man U players (Rooney, Tevez, Ji Sung Park) can easily put him to shame in a beauty contest.

I called her up and she agreed to meet and talk about it. It was a tense affair. She kept contradicting herself. Wasn’t she the one who wasn’t ready for a relationship? Or did she mean, a relationship with me? Why was I upset about it anyway since it’s not as if I’d asked her out in the first place? She said he’s an old friend and things just happened between them. But how, when we’d been together practically every day for the past three months? Was she screwing him while she was screwing me? She didn’t answer that question, and her silence gave me the answer that I needed. And to think that we actually had a pregnancy scare at some point during those three months and had she decided to keep it, I’d end up raising some ugly bloke’s uglier bastard.

Much much later on, I found out that she chose to date said chap to appease her parents who are (apparently) pushing her into marriage to someone from her own community.

The good thing about knowing someone really well is that you know when they’re trying to cover up the truth. Sadly, they also know you too well and they can manipulate the actual truth into whatever they want it to be.

I don’t know what to say. Really. Perhaps my dad and bro were right? Perhaps Kenyans generally are so tribally charged that…fill that in for yourself.

A.O.B

KBW’s sweetest was always one of my favourite bloggers back in the day and I was sad to see her stop blogging. Kumbe all this time she’s been hiding HERE! Kipepeo/S P A R K L E S rocks regardless! Woop woop!

What’s on my Playlist?

Umenikosea – Kidum