Over the last three or so weeks, I’ve been under a lot of stress due to mingi issues going on that I’m trying to sort out. As a result, I’ve noticed (rather, it has been brought to my attention) that I’ve become very easily irritable and prone to temperamental outbursts.
Perhaps it’s the PMS, hormones gone haywire.
So here are a few things that have really irritated me over the recent past.
One afternoon I was in a matatu when this Somali woman boarded with a 4 or 5 year old boy. She sat in the driver’s cabin while she left the boy in the back. She was chewing sugarcane quite loudly (mouth agape) and spitting the chewed cane ACROSS the other passenger and out of the window! WTF?!
The little boy was really sweating, obviously dehydrated but she couldn’t care less. It took another lady passenger to undo the buttons on his shirt, open the window, wipe the sweat off his forehead and offer him a bottle of water. While the woman sat chewing cane and spitting out the window. So shameless!
A passenger who was seated next to me had an altercation with the kange over the fare, and saw it fit to pull me into the affray. Here I was minding my own business, earphones plugged in, Outkast on maximum volume, and this fellow keeps tapping me and explaining his story. So that I do what? Shuka utembee, alaa?!
Another afternoon, I boarded a mat and sat at the first row next to the door (it was the only available seat) forgetting that there was the kange. So this chap somehow ensconced himself in that little space, with my face trapped under his armpit, and his nethers/artillery/makendes/ rubbing against my thigh. I couldn’t tell which of the two was worse. And that was only the beginning. Remember it was a hot afternoon. For some reason, the passengers declined to open the windows, and here was my face trapped under his armpit!
If that wasn’t enough, we got into a slight accident near Globe Cinema roundabout, the mat driver was trying to force his way into a lane, in the process he clipped a pick up. The pick up had scratched the side of the mat until they came to rest, still attached, but with the pick up having blocked the sliding door, therefore we couldn’t get out. Both drivers got into an argument about who was liable, they decided to wait for traffic police to arrive
So, was I supposed to sit there, armpit in my face, kange’s makendes on my thigh, frying in that heat, door can’t open, as we wait for the bloody traffic police to arrive?
(eventually we got out through the window. Don’t ask how)
What is it with cyber café operators? Why do they have to be really nosy? Sometimes you may be in a cyber trying to print or photocopy some highly classified document, and you find the fala really reading through your printout. WTF?
There’s this fokojembe who runs a cyber just next to my campus, let’s call him Musau. Musau has got to be one of the dimmest individuals I’ve ever met. I needed to photocopy a confidential document, so I had the page already folded out and facing downward, ready for insertion into the photocopier, my hands already positioned at the tray to collect the copies. Instead of putting the paper into the copier, the chap turns it over so as to read it. WTF?! I asked him whether it was the content that was important or the dimensions of the paper. Si A4 ni A4?
The very first time I walked into Musau’s cyber, I asked him if his computers had Firefox, he gave me a blank look of “Faya oooo?” (Fire who?) Jeez! And you run a cyber? After explaining what Firefox is, he said that they deliberately do not have it coz “there is no demand from students.” So I downloaded Firefox onto my flashdisk and every time I use a computer at the cyber, I have to install it before use. (Then Musau comes in afterwards and removes the application)
Another time, I was on the net and my MP3 player battery went dead. I asked Musau if he had a SONY USB cable BY ANY CHANCE. His reply?
“If you come with yours, then I can charge for you.”
Am I the only one who sees the stupidity of his response?
What is it with clients in cybercafes who stand right behind you, staring into your screen as you do your stuff? I mean, do you mind? Where’s the privacy? I usually have multiple windows open, I could be chatting with 5 people on Gmail, checking my email, updating my blog…stuff that I wouldn’t want any Tom, Dick or Harriet to sneak up on me while I’m busy.
OK so by now you know about Ms Dildo, right. We became pals (sort of) after that day, flirting mdogo mdogo (innocently) and I figured it’s be just that. I’m not attracted to her in that sense (she’s not my type, but still do-able) so I wasn’t hoping to jump off the B Train at her station. She, on the other hand has been throwing loose hints that she needs to get slayed, but I acted the fool and ignored those hints, hoping that a more attractive solution would present itself soon. That was until one day some weeks ago, chic looked me in the eye and told me straight up, uncensored
Arch, I want your d***! Are you going to give it to me or will you keep pussyfooting?
What other motivation does the Commander in Chief need to rise to the occasion?
Well, I didn’t do the needful on that particular day, but I was warming up to the idea. Sometimes it pays to take one for the team. But I found out later that she’s “having a thing” with one of the huuugest chaps on campus, you know those rugby toughened and hardened fellows with a missing tooth? And vile she’s got a big mouth…I wouldn’t go that far to score a free shag.
This comment was posted on my previous post by one “Curious One” .
Hi all. You are all invited to a gay bonfire bash at the Tetemesha club near Palacina in Hurlingham. For tickets please get as at email@example.com. Thanks
The bash is on the 28th of march from 8pm
Interesting that someone should choose to advertise freely on my blog for a gay event. So who’s down for a loose gay bon(e)fire bash? Anyone? Surely, there must be at least one person! ANYONE?! Sorry pal.
FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK
Photo obtained from here
(I guess it’ s quite obvious by now that I’ve never, and will never be a fan of Didier Drogba, despite being a True Blue)
Ok, you scored two goals against Arsenal on Sunday That’s what you’re paid to do, quite handsomely in fact. 130,000 pounds a week is no petty cash. (what else of significance have you done since your return from Ghana? Useless twat)
But “Top Drog” definitely takes the award for vanity. This fokojembe actually goes to the Chelsea megastore at Stamford Bridge and buys out their entire stock of “Drogba 11” jerseys, so as to prove that he’s as popular as best sellers John Terry and Frank Lampard.
Dude, just how dense can you be?
What’s on my Playlist?
Track 4 – Unknown Artist
Sorry guys, this should have gone up some time last week.
Why do you call yourself Archer? (Majonzi, 5by5, Zack, Nzembi,)
I mentioned here that when I started my first blog in May 2006, I couldn’t think of a suitable name. I had a few suggestions written down (I don’t remember them though) then that night “Swordfish” was showing on TV (for the millionth time) and John Travolta’s character was called John Archer. I thought “hell, Archer sounds ok, so why not?”
Describe Archer (of course the blogger) what kind of mongo is he?
One who doesn’t shy away from telling the story as it is, point blank you could say, and asking the questions that I know people won’t want to answer. One who laughs at silly things and partakes of silliness as well.
Where did he spawn from?
Many bored nights sitting up thinking to myself a lot of things that people in my real life weren’t willing to discuss or answer.
Is Archer the same as the real you? Heheehehehe (Nzembi asked this as well)
You tell me! I think I can change personas depending on the crowd. In many ways, Archer and I are quite alike. Though most times I’m quite reserved, Archer on the other hand talks too much and doesn’t shy away from airing his thoughts about stuff.
Mojo blogo hutoka wapi? (yaani where does your mojo to blog come from)
From the fact that there are several situations that I go through every day, and there’s always someone somewhere who’s been through the same thing and can relate with my experiences. Sometimes, alcohol provides that mojo.
What’s your preferred kiruru and how often do you indulge? (Candybox)
Pilsner Ice!!! Any day! But since EABL only sell it in Tz nowadays, (I’ll have to talk to Crystal Balls kando we make a ka deal like this) Now, I make do with White Cap (A beer of Distinction!) I don’t mind a cold Tusker though, or Viceroy & Coke for just chilling out. Haven’t had Bacardi & Coke in a while.
Okay lemme just ask, who would be asking you about other bloggers?! I mean what the hell?? has it come to this now??
If you’ve read all the comments, you’ll see why! There are some loose nuts in this dunia of ours.
I want to know about your dating life…
What dating life? J Well, I’m currently single (you know someone who’s interested? Perhaps a hot cousin of yours from Shimba Hills?) and I’m a proud card carrying member of the BT. Yes, even Archer has his dry days! Women are very complicated creatures, just when you thought you found a decent one, they flip the script on your ass and show their true colours. Or is it just me who always stumbles upon psychos and liars?
Describe your typical Saturday. I find when I ask this question during an interview, it reveals a deep insight about the candidate. (Seasons)
Interview tena? My typical Saturday, hmm… I wake up real early before the sun is up, who am I kidding? I wake up late, probably call up a pal for lunch or sometimes they come over. In the afternoons it’s Premier League & pints with the boys, then after that anything goes, I’m loose like a goose. I’ve failed the interview, no?
How many Arrows do you have in your quiver?
Who are what is the target for your mishales?
How many shots have landed on target when you shoot?
Have you also been shot?
How long is the arrow shaft? (Ok here you are free to cheat)
What is Kirima REALLY asking? REALLY
I wish I knew! I think the thin air at the mountain top must affected his thought process! Kirima si you expound?
What is the worst lie you ever told a girl to get her into bed?
If I told you, I’d probably never get laid ever again in my life!! Hahahahaha!!! Flattery will get you everywhere, so I work with that.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Rapidly making my way up the ranks at the UN.
Do you ever want a family of your own? eh how many tois
Oh hell yes!! Tois, perhaps three, maybe four if I can afford that. But if I get two daughters, a son can finish up that chapter.
Define mad skills – in theory – without demos, and please be gentle. (Crystal Balls)
I’m always gentle, my dear! Mad skills in a woman? Well, I don’t do conservative women, she’s got to be open minded and experimentative. Gotta have good head skills (see Aco kando, he’ll give you a step-by-step tutorial on how a woman is supposed to give good head – something about experimenting on a banana) spontaneous, participative, not just lying there waiting for her toes to touch the ceiling, and one who doesn’t shy away from initiating the shag. For some reason that’s been made into the jamaa’s work. Creativity is vital as well.
Actually, Bantu appeared from nowhere and nicknamed everyone, he came up with Mishale so I went along with it. He thought up the URL for this blog as well.
What ticks you off? (Wanja asked this as well)
People who I consider to be of lesser intelligence, or deliberately refuse to engage their brains in any meaningful activity. And people who don’t answer the question that’s been asked. The other day I was at a cyber and my MP3 player had kufad, so I asked the assistant if he had a Sony USB cable by any chance and he replied “unless you come with yours, then I can charge for you.” WTF??!!
Do you think you are interesting? Why?
Not really, coz no one laughs at my jokes in real life!
Describe your ideal chic? (Aco asked this as well)
Most times I don’t do stunningly attractive/drop dead gorgeous women. I like those who I meet the first time and not think much, second time I’ll be like “Hmm…not bad”, third time “Is it just me or iko kitu hapo?” and the fourth time “Damn woman, you’re HOT!” I’m sure you know the type whose beauty grows on you by the day, (sort of like a Maserati Quattroporte. First time I saw it, I thought it was rubbish, now I’m totally in love with it!) Looks aside, she’s gotta be smart and talkative. She’s got to be charming, have a great sense of humour, charismatic and not one of them needy/clingy types. One who’s exciting and can spring up all sorts of surprises every new day.
How many posts have u done so far?
About 120 something.
Did u go for the blind date??
Not yet, the
victim blind date is currently on a tour of Europe so I’ll have to wait for her to get back.
What kind of moti would you like to own in 20 yrs??
I only have one choice? Well, that’s a tough one. Definitely a 1964 Lincoln Continental convertible! Perhaps a Range Rover. Or an E Class. Or both! And a BMW Z4 convertible for the weekends, a Land Rover Defender 90 for bundu bashing. And a Harley Davidson, not that I’d ride it, I’d rev up the engine just to piss off the neighbours and make my daughters boyfriends think I’m a cool dad (before I unleash the double barrel shotgun on them!)
Do you like kids?
Yeah I do, I taught Sunday school for four years while in high school! (And I have the framed certificate to show for it) but of late kids just don’t like me at all!!
How did the blind date go??
Bado mami, I’ll let you know how it goes down, when it does.
Why this particular theme for your blog??
At the time I chose it, it was unique, but that was until Kip
and his makendes and Sultry Nutter came along and tried to be me! It’s the only one that goes well with my header picture, which I’m not about to change, ever.
What would you do if you knocked up a mama you didn’t love??
Run for the hills!!!! Deny, deny, DENY!! But what would I be doing screwing a woman I didn’t love bila rubber?
Do you believe in love??
Yes I do. Been there twice, but that’s a place I’m not hoping to return to any time soon. It’s a beautiful thing for those who’ve found it.
Do you believe in God??
Definitely yes!!! The Main Man has saved me from too many life threatening situations, and all I can think of is that HE has major plans for me in this life. I might not see them right now, but they’ll be revealed to me in due time.
Your favorite item of clothing?
My customized Chelsea FC away jersey! (Do the leather jockstraps count?)
Describe your best moment!
The day Chelsea FC will lift the Champions League trophy!
The person you’re most grateful to?
My mother! Without a doubt! She’s my number one! The hard work and sacrifices she’s made in her life to make sure that I had the best education and lacked nothing that I ever needed, that’s something that no one can ever match up to.
The worst moment of your entire existence?
Meeting that breed of human beings known as Afrikaners, and they did what they did. I’m sure you’ve read about it by now.
From Kip (and his makendes) :
How do you blog from Nairobi –isn’t that indanet .very slow?
It’s excruciatingly slow ALL the time. Usually I write down my thoughts in point form in my ka notebook, when I get syke I type them out on MS Word on the PC, then I simply copy paste them onto WordPress when I get online. I rarely type out posts while logged in, I’m not that spontaneous.
Do you have beef with guys majuu [your post from kitambos]
Well, I wouldn’t call it beef any more. Let’s just say that I’m very indifferent and I couldn’t care less. As long as I can write my stuff on my blog, interact with my readers, and I can read the blogs that I enjoy, whatever else people do doesn’t move me at all.
Is it true that you were part of the Kofi Annan Peace talks? Lol!
Yeah, I was supposed to be, but Martha aliongea mbaya so I walked out in protest. It was in the papers, you didn’t see? Google “Mishale storms out of mediation talks after row with Karua” and you’ll find it.
Have you ever met any brogger [blogger]? if yes.. was she FINE!?
Yes I’ve met quite a number of bloggers, and a good number of them are FWYNE like a nonsense!!!! Auuuuuiiiiiii!!!!!!! It’s a good thing you didn’t ask me to name names!
Do you screw alot in college hapo.. well i used to ……..
I did enough of that in SA, a bit too much actually. These days I’m a serious student. Class, library, digz. Hizo side show zingine, I don’t indulge in them no more.
Imagine you are driving in Nairobi’s bumper to bumper morning traffic..suddenly you throw a ka-glance kwa your rear view mirror..Guess who you see? Yes boss, those two beefy Afrikaans HOBOS who tried to arrange a meeting with your maker sometime back in SA..Its a return match home ground..how would you play it?
Oh hell yes!! I’d definitely return the favour now that I’d be on home ground! I’d bribe some pakis to dismember them, bila hard feelings. Alternatively, karma has a very interesting sense of humour. Were they to try their nonsense in Kenya, they’d quickly realize that Kenyans are not people to walk over and expect no retaliation.
You once told me that “S.A. SIENDI TENA” but i also understand that you got a soft spot for Malawian Sistas…Hebu tell me, if you meet your old college mate back in S.A and he tells you vile your former University admits only Sistas from Malawi…vile kuna mafuriko ya Malawi beauties hukoz..would you wish to catch the next plane to S.A?
I’ll never return to South Africa EVER!!! Not even if I was offered a fully paid up two week vacation in Cape Town, flying first class and having a BMW M5 to drive around, and a limitless credit card, and the finest woman in the world to spend that money on. SIRUDI!! Anyway, I still have my links with them sistas, and I could always go shopping for wife material once I’m done with school.
Do you know the difference between pink and hot pink? just asking. (3TOC)
My dear, pink is pink! My MP3 player is pink (Kirima don’t you dare start on my pink MP3 player!! It’s a SONY, but do I say?) pink Panther is pink, ham is pink, strawberry milkshake is pink, pare pare is pink (sio yangu)…..so you tell me which is which!
I have had storiez b4 in da past dat the Kenyan blog scene is full of sex, drunken orgies & chic swopping, & dat u have screwed many female bloggers & dat you were one of them who wa there. How many bloggers ave u passed thru? (JT)
Wah? You’re serious? This is very interesting! I need to know more! Ehe, so who was I with?
Have u ever hit it before proper introductions had been done…? (Jimmy alias Xs)
A couple of times (I think)
Do you know the names of all the chicas u’ve kamatad?
Yes, most of them.
Do you remember the names of your chapa ilales?
Yes, a good number of them.
Do they come back?
Yes, 95% of them!
If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you choose to be and why? (Mwas)
That ka glass thingy for squeezing the juice out of oranges. Need I say why? Si it’s pretty obvious?
@ bomseh…. you DONT say ati chicks you kamatad…. you’ve got to pull the Khayundi (1999) thing you and sema Kamadad …so archer.. how many chiles have you kamadad …? (Kip)
Honestly? I quit counting at some point last year, the numbers began to shock me. But not that the number has increased significantly since then.
Would you ever quit blogging? What is the one thing that would make you quit? (Maggie)
Yes I would. If I ever did anything to mess up my cyber reputation beyond repair, or if the creative juices stop flowing.
Where does Archer see himself in 5 years time?
Done with my Masters and trying to find my place in this world, hopefully at the UN.
What does Archer do on a typical weekend?
I usually sleep in on Saturday mornings (if I’d hanyed the night before) if not, I still sleep in, visit pals or go for a drive, in the afternoons I link up with the boys at the pub to catch Premier League, might hanye afterwards.
Sundays is reserved for relaxation, assignments and preparing for the week ahead. I’m still quite derailable on Sundays should a loose plan surface. (hii ni kazi ya Xs, derailer kabisa!)
What is the most important thing in your life? (Zack)
I’d like to say family, but you of all people know I’d be lying through my teeth if I did. School, currently, is the most important thing in my life.
Have tois stopped crying when you hold them?
Nope!! What have I done wrong?
Did you finally get shoes that fit you?
I did!! I got two pairs on the same day! I bet that means my luck for 2008 & half of 2009 has run out.
What makes your day?
Simple pleasures tu. A good gesture here or there, or one of those feel good songs like “My boy lollipop” & “Don’t worry, be happy” are sure ways of getting me smiling. Or if everything I intended to do on that particular day goes according to plan.
What spoils your day?
Again, small things piss me off and are likely to ruin my day. Like when I panda a mat, pay 200 bob and the kange gives change in those really old defaced notes, or when I’m late and I don’t have the luxury of waiting for a gisty jav and I have to use one of them shady “Maua Sacco” type javs and some mathe decides to sit next to me with her gunias of agricultural produce!
Or silly passengers who insist on keeping all the windows shut on a really hot afternoon when people’s breath & body odour are at critical levels.
Or my silly math lecturer who gives me 32% in all assignments and tests regardless of how much I studied for the damn thing! You wait, I’m going to get a wheel spanner and loosen bolts on his moti, wacha he tries doing a sok on the highway, he’ll find his ass calculating the velocity he traveled on his way to hell!
Would you let a chick come between you and a pal?
Bros before ho’s my guy! Chics come and go, but your boys (in most cases) will always have your back no matter what. I’ve kosanad with boys coz of wanawake several times before, but these days most of them adhere to the code.
If you saw a guy being pigwad mob justice utaingilia?
Boss, si I’d be lynched alongside him? Even though I don’t approve of mob justice, I wouldn’t risk my life, unless it’s someone I know and I could vouch for 100%.
If you saw a guy being pigwad ngeta utasaidia?
Those things usually happen so fast that before you’ve turned to see wsup, it’s over!
Did you remember to ask FG to get you shoes from the UK? I forgot to ask her to ask you about it - yes I know, I am weird like that.
Thanks luv! You’re not weird at all, you’re very thoughtful! I did get a couple of pairs in December, so I’m sorted!
Boeing or Airbus?
I’ve only been on one Airbus (KQ’s old A310-300s like the one that crashed in Abidjan in 2000) and several Boeings. I’ll have to go with Boeing. They’re way more beautiful to look at. The 737, the 777….
I know the secret to stopping smoking. U interested? I am not kidding, I have been smoke free for six months now – didn’t even suffer any ‘withdrawals’ (gutter mentality notwithstanding)
YES!!! YES!!! I’d like to know! Wait, does it involve mitishamba or anything of the sort? With you, Guess, anything is possible! But sure, I’d like to quit before I get erectile dysfunction in my 20s.
What phone did you get?
I’m probably getting a Nokia N73 or an N70 Music Edition any day now. I love hem both equally, I can’t decide!
The Rock or Con Air?
The Rock, obvioulsly. Just when you thought you’ve seen Con Air one too many times, it comes on different TV channels in consecutive weeks. And there’s only so much of “HE’S GOT THE WHOOOOOOOOOOLE WORLD…” that one can stand, no?
Boston Legal or House?
Boston Legal!! Alan Shore is my hero!
Could you send me a picture of you in a suit (so I can fall about laughing?) No? Ah well, had to ask
For your information, I do look very good in a suit, sexy even. See me sideways and ask nicely.
What legacy do u want to leave when the curtains are drawn in your life?
That I did as much as I could to make this world a better place for those that I come across.
Of all the leaders that u know or have heard of, which one would u like to be if u had a chance to relive their life and why?
If I said Kofi Annan, that would be a cliché, but it’s true, I’ve admired the man for a very long time. But he’s had a pretty straight forward life, so perhaps I’d go with Uncle Dan Toro. I’d like to know how it feels like to have absolute power.
Have you watched 3:10 to Yuma? (Nor have I, although I am looking it on DVD right here (Guess)
I was about to ask if you’re off your medication again, then I remembered Wikipedia. No, I haven’t watched it yet, I haven’t even watched Oceans 13!! And I said I’m not watching it until my ex gets me the DVD coz of how much I nagged her to go watch it when it was showing, but it wasn’t her type of movie so she refused (me I can’t go to the movies solo) In fact, she’s probably reading this. F!!! I walaps with my DVD?
What’s on my Playlist?
Africa Unite – Bob Marley