After a year’s sabbatical, I finally got back into school this year. Back in school is not quite the term, coz I’m in a new school, doing a totally different course from what I did before. (Lesson learnt: don’t drop out if school (or quit your job) without having a solid plan B!) Things didn’t work out for me last year on the academic front coz I wasn’t able to transfer credits to 2 local universities. The only other option, if I wanted to continue along the same path, was to leave the country again, and I wasn’t too enthusiastic about that.

I love Nairobi, there’s just something about the vibe in this city. It’s not exactly the best place to live in, but I can’t picture myself being anywhere else in the world for more than a year. So I opted to stay here and change course to something new. I’ve become a professional student coz I’ve been in campo for four years already, done THREE different courses, got bored with the first two and changed to the third, but shit/ happened which eventually led to me leaving SA, so here I am. Back to 1st year.

Anyone at my age would be pretty pissed off about having to re-start university, with most of my pals having graduated, or are graduating, getting employed and some even tying the knot. But I’ve had a whole year to think about things, put everything into proper perspective and I’m quite enthusiastic about it. I want to do this, and I’ve got a very good feeling about it. I’m going to enjoy it this time round.

School has been interesting these first few weeks. I’d completely forgotten that university students can get away with a lot of stupidity. Take for example the other day, we had a talk on HIV and other STDs, and the chaps leading the course were demonstrating to the class how to use condoms correctly. One of them placed two wooden dildos on the desk, one black and the other brown. Then he got out the condom. Unwrapped it…and I heard a voice behind me say

I swear, if I can get that black one, wuuuuuiiiiiii! Haki I can be sooo sorted! I’ll have non stop  aftershocks mpaka next week!!

 
I laughed and turned round, thinking I’d find a baby-faced 20 year old embarrassed that that came out a bit louder than she expected, instead, she raised her eyebrow at me ki-sura ya kazi and asked

 

What?! Una shida? A girl has needs!!!

 

Really! So I told her to see me sideways and took down her number.

They also demonstrated how to use the female condom, which apparently has to be put in place at least three hours before intercourse. Someone else stood up and asked “at our age, most, if not all sexual encounters are purely accidental or happen at the spur of the moment. So how is a chic supposed to know three hours in advance that she’s going to get laid?” Valid question, that.

Recently, I noticed that some of my lecturers came to class either fully clad in track suits and sneakers, or sporting formal suits and running shoes. I didn’t understand why, at the time. New fashion statement perhaps? The next morning, as my old lady was leaving for work, she had her briefcase and handbag in one hand, on the other she had a pair of running shoes in a paper bag. That’s when it registered in my mind! Nairobians are some of the most innovative people in the world. They’ve realized that the only way to survive the chaos in the CBD is to discover the Paul Tergat/Janeth Jepkoskei within, lest they get caught offside by a “stray bullet” or have a personal encounter with the business end of a GSU officer’s rungu.

The 2nd and 3rd year guys have been hanging around the 1st years’ classes quite a bit, hoping to grab the fine and confused young ladies. It reminded me of my days in SA where every January and July, there’d be a gold rush for them freshers (we used to dash for the pretty Malawians) and it was sad for the 2nd year chics coz with the high turnover, a chic is only relevant for 6 months! After that, she’d better have found herself a man otherwise her story is over. Kinda reminds me of the continuous debate about who’s hotter between Lilian Muli (can’t she afford a decent weave?) and Peninah Karibe, when there’s new eye candy i.e. Esther Arunga, Janet Mbugua & Janet Kanini who have relegated them both into second division! (OK for real, I’ll stop reading that silly Pulse magazine – after this week’s edition)

Yesterday, Red Cross guys were in school over lunch for blood donation. But surprisingly, only a handful of students showed up to donate blood. The vibe up in the tent was in this era of HIV/AIDS, if anyone’s looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, the blood donation tent was the best place to do just that. Logic being that only those who know their HIV (negative) status turned up to donate blood, so it’d be wise to grab one while you still can. I didn’t get grabbed though, perhaps it’s coz I haven’t shaved in a week? Who knows.

In an attempt to get more students to donate blood, some guys went to the cafeteria and put up a few flyers there, but still, not many came forth. That was until guys got innovative.

 

Donate blood and get a FREE LUNCH VOUCHER!!

 

The tent got so packed that guys had to be harakishwad those ones of “Wee! Kwani hiyo damu yako iko fermented au niaje? Mwaga spidi!!”

Those are just some of the sideshows from the first couple of weeks. I came here to study seriously. I’ve already had the full campus experience from drinking 6 days in a week (Tuesday through to Sunday. Mondays were the only day of the week where no one had an excuse to head to the pub so we’d detox) random roadtrips, waking up in strange beds or with strange women in my bed, teaching them South Africans students how riot proper instead of walking around harmlessly carrying placards, last minute studying and somehow still passing exams (some) so I don’t think I’ll have the time to get caught up in all that stuff this time. Especially coz I’m way older than most of my classmates so fitting in is definitely a bit of a problem.

Anyway, I’ve not made any resolutions for this year. Actually, I made a couple, both of which were history by January 3rd. I did try to quit smoking, but after 36 hours, I was all shaky and jittery like a heroin addict, so I decided to bench that idea till further notice. But I do know that school now becomes my number one priority. Therefore I’m going to be very scarce for the next two and a half years, so don’t be surprised.

In other news

Finally someone beat the Stig! Well, depending on how you look at it. Who else but Lewis Hamilton!!  Good going!

 

Random thoughts

 

  1. What are the requirements for one to be appointed Kenya Police spokesman? Has anyone seen Eric Kiraithe on TV? It appears that neither intelligence nor eloquence were applicable in his case..
  2. I knew that wrinkled old bag couldn’t keep him down for too long, he’d bounce back eventually. But now that Jeff Koinange’s face features on K-24 for 21 out of 24 hours, shouldn’t the station be renamed Koinange 24?
  3. Who is Ababu Namwamba’s barber? Yaani people still nyoa punk/box?


What’s on my Playlist?

Perhaps the honourable member of Parliament for Othaya should consider an alternative career as a techno artist (if and) when he does leave the big house on the hill. Sample this track:

Wajienjoy – DJ Mwai Kibaki.