This morning as I was looking for a magazine to read as I did my morning flight over Baghdad, I found a copy of HM magazine from December 2005 in my bro’s room. There’s an article here called “Seduction Strategies that work.” Show any man a title like this and he’ll definitely want to read more. But now I wonder if these strategies are meant for Kenyans of the homo sapiens disposition ama goats.

Sample this:

 

Strategy 6 – Shake her socks off

I.R, a 30 year old doctor in Eldoret takes a proactive approach, and he’s not worried about letting it get a little pornographic. He met a girl called B at a party; she gave him her number. She returned home that night to find that he had left a message on her machine, with a fairly lengthy and very detailed account of what their first night together might be like. He was in bed watching TV when his doorbell rang. It was B. “She said she hoped that she hadn’t woken me up,” he said. “I asked her how she thought I’d be able to sleep after having left a message like that, and she laughed and asked how I thought she’d be able to sleep after hearing it.” And so, IR slyly reports, at that point they decided they might as well stay up all night.

I dare any man to try this approach and come back and tell me if it worked. Which women are these that you meet and on the very first day, unleash all the unsavoury thoughts in your mind, she actually gets in her car or takes a cab to your house (um…which she knew how exactly?) to satisfy your fantasy? I doubt that there’s any woman in the world who would do this, unless she’s a professional.

Strategy 7 – The brazen-broad way

MN, a 34 year old marketing manager who lives in Meru, met shy P at a party and knew instantly that she liked him but could also tell that if anything was going to happen, he’d have to make the first move. The next week he proceeded to “run into her” at a coffee shop down the street from her house. MN sided up to P’s table, said hello, and asked her to come out to his car – he wanted to play her a song on his tape deck. Once they were inside the car, he handed her a blindfold and told her to put it on. She looked scared for a minute, but then she shrugged and did as she was told. You’ll find that most women will. “I drove around the block a few times so she didn’t know where we were going,” he laughs and smiles sheepishly, “then I took her to a nearby motel room, sat her down on a bed, and pulled down the shades. I took off my clothes, and then I took off her blindfold.” P was shocked, he said, but thrilled. “She told me that in 20 years of having sex,” he admits immodestly, “it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her.”

Seriously? I don’t even have words for this scenario. A “shy” lady somehow agrees to enter a car belonging to a chap that she’s met just once before, ati to listen to a song on his ka radio (kwani she’s 12?) and actually AGREES to wear a blindfold (?????????) and to be taken to a strange building and made to sit on a bed, where the first thing she sees upon removing her blindfold is an upright member? And afterwards admits that it’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to her in 20 years of having sex?

**slaps forehead repeatedly**

They call this seduction? Kwani previously she was having sex with what? Did it ever occur to her that this man might be a rapist? Did she ever question where he was taking her? And this man and his 2 bob tactics, he definitely must be a rapist or a paedophile. Ati “come to my car and listen to a song on my radio” what’s the difference between that and telling a 9 year old girl “come behind this building and I’ll give you a lollipop.”

Once again I dare any man to try this approach. This is what will happen.

 

  1. Woman screams in fright, “concerned wananchi” storm into room to find naked man attempting to calm her down but instead looks like he’s trying to force himself on her, they drag him outside and stone him to death and set his body ablaze. All major TV stations arrive shortly thereafter to interview terrified victim.

 

  1. Woman screams in fright, grabs cellphone and calls the FIDA Kenya hotline which she has on speed dial. They arrive at the scene within 2 minutes accompanied by a navy blue Toyota Land Cruiser packed with Kiganjo’s finest. Naked man is arrested and charged in court with attempted rape, and is jailed for 10 years.

 
The lousy attempts that some magazines make to imitate FHM and Men’s Health (both of which I think are crap magazines anyway, especially Men’s Health) are truly amazing.

 

A.O.B

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What’s on my playlist

 Flexxx – Nyundo