If there’s one thing that really frustrates me is trying to find shoes in my size. I wear size 12.5/13 and finding shoes in any shoe shop is one hell of a task. In fact, I’d count myself lucky to even get just ONE pair of shoes per year. That’s how bad the situation is.

(Please bench those big foot jokes of “go to Bata Limuru and put in a special order” or to buy akalas – those jokes have ceased to be funny)

Size 12 shoes are there in many shops, just that they ALWAYS happen to be in designs other than those that I’m interested in. It’s like there’s a conspiracy of sorts going on.

In 2004 I bought one pair of Land Rover open shoes and a pair of Caterpillars, in 2005 I was lucky to get a pair of Skechers, didn’t have that much luck last year so I got no shoes, and this year I bought a pair of Jordans. So, knowing how hard it is for me to find shoes, I treasure the ones that I already have, and I look after them quite well. Unfortunately, due to incidents beyond my control, only one of the above pairs of shoes exists currently.

I’ve been shoe-hunting all over Nairobi for the last few months, but unfortunately, the same problem exists in all of the shops that I’ve been to, and believe me, there are many. Where haven’t I been to? Exhibitions, African Boot Co, Leather for you, House of Leather, Enka Rasha, Village Market, most shoe shops within the CBD, hapa, huko, pare, everywhere. But I keep getting the same answer each time. Hakuna size kubwa.

(I did find a pair of Size 12 leather Hugo Boss shoes on Mama Ngina Street……. but they cost Ksh. 34,000/= which is why I keep asking my old man every day what the hell he was doing when other people’s fathers were masterminding Anglo Fleecing)

What makes the situation worse is when salespeople try to persuade you into buying shoes you have no interest in, or smaller size shoes, telling you not to worry coz “it’s a leather shoe, it’ll expand with time!” coz of such nonsense and squeezing my feet into small shoes, I got myself athletes foot. More problems.

Lesson learnt, now I’d only buy a shoe if the bottom is clearly marked SIZE 12 UK! Otherwise, forget it.

Back to silly salesmen, the other day there was a special offer on some leather shoes at a certain shop, and I found a pair of leather shoes that tickled my fancy. The obvious question was asked and the saleslady assured me that they had two pairs of my size in store. Knowing that I had angukiad jackpot of the year, I told her to hold onto BOTH pairs (ati I leave the other one for who? Those are jokes!) one in black and the second in brown, and I’d be back for them once I got some cash.

So last Thursday I went back to said shoe shop armed with the cash for the two pairs. Wacha the saleslady (si they know I’d come back with cash?) today the Indian manager came to be of assistance (I always smell trouble at this point – these guys are so money minded that they’ll sell you anything whether you’re looking at it or not.) and that’s where the bullshit began.

“The largest size vee hawe for that design is size 10″

I asked him why they’d told me that they had my size in stock, only for them to change the story. Plus I’m extremely particular about many things. If I want something and I cannot have it, I’d rather do without it then settle for the less appealing alternative.

“Vee don’t have size twelwe for dat van, but vee have for dis van, dat van and also dat addar van! Wery wery nice, I do good price for you”

huku he’s showing me some bootleg Tims and a pair of oh so hideous Air Force Ones. Yaani this kubaff looked at me and decided that I can buy fake Tims and Air Force Ones? And calling 200 bob a good discount. I should have slapped him!

Speaking of which, the idiot who brought Air Force Ones back into fashion should be beaten to death, preferrably with a multi-coloured specimen.

Nike Air Force Ones

“But I don’t vant dat van or even dos other van!! I vant dis van!!!!”

Fooresh!

Why can’t some people understand that I’m not just looking for any bloody shoe to throw my feet into?
So once again I left the shoe shop, very disappointed. If anyone is interested in getting me out of this perpetual state of despair, I wouldn’t mind a pair of these. Size 12 UK please! (not size 12 US!!)

A.O.B

Who watched KTN News Shot last Friday night? I almost died of laughter when I saw that fellow, the mkubwa of Maendeleo ya Wanaume, requesting the government to rectify a long standing injustice against a certain naked boy outside Nairobi Law Courts, I thought he was either very idle, being stupid, or seeking attention. But after reading this post, I realized that perhaps the man did have a valid point. If that fountain had been of a naked girl being sprinkled with cold water around the clock, wouldn’t all the women’s rights organizations be up in arms about it?

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!!!

Name: Bruce Buck.

Who is he? : Apparently he’s the Chairman of Chelsea Football Club.

What’s the beef? : so, the management of the club will not tolerate any form of abuse against the new manager Avram Grant. This abuse comes from the club’s own fans! (the fifty of us still left holding fort)

So what are you going to do about that, Mr Buck, ban fans from setting foot inside Stamford Bridge? Open your eyes you old twat, we don’t want Avram Grant as manager!!!! Why else would fans abuse the man? Get a serious manager for heaven’s sake!

(NB: Not that I support the anti-semitic bit, but the rest I support)

AND FINALLY…

WARNING: Unsuitable for Under 18s. (Betty and Tweety please exit HERE)

Kenyan men should count ourselves lucky that we don’t live under sharia law, because if we did, we’d have no time to manga manga around with women other than our wives. And just for those who decide to reap where they have not sown, THIS is what would have happened to you… in the presence of your wife.

Plough your own shamba this week, won’t you?

What’s on my Playlist?

Everwanting: To want you to want – Maxwell