September 2007


Jose Mourinho quits as Chelsea Manager 

Ai hapana!! Hapa nimekataa!! Someone slap me hard, pinch my nuts, just do something! Tell me I’m hallucinating coz shit, I am!! Kweli dunia imepasuka mahali.

The Special One

The Special One

Wee wacha mchezo dadii!! Seriously, how do you quit on the week we’re playing Manchester United??

Someone go find that man!! Farmgal DO SOMETHING!! Skive jobo, go find Mourinho IMMEDIATELY!!! (I know his home address) say your prayers, smack the good love of the Holy Spirit into his short ass and drag him by the ear down Fulham Road all the way to Stamford Bridge ! Alafu you lock him in his office and get Michael “Wafula” Essien and John Terry to administer further discipline!

Then, WHO THE FUCK IS AVRAM GRANT?!! Abramovich get serious with life! How do you replace Mourinho with this un-known thing? We don’t want him!!!! In that case, Abramovich might as well have appointed himself manager!

Mkienda Old Trafford this weekend, bebeni Vaseline tafadhali.

I’m depressed. Seriously. I’m so getting wasted today. Good thing that Mwenda’s opens in two hours’ time. Consolation tequilas and Viceroy can be offered pare pare.  I’ll be the chap at the counter with a long face.

What’s on my Playlist?

What the Fuck?! – Fat Boy Slim

Once in the 70s, Mwalimu Julius Nyerere described Kenya as being a man-eat-man society, to which the ever eloquent “Sir” Charles Njonjo aka The Duke of Kabeteshire replied “In that case, Tanzania is a man-eat-nothing society.” It seems that the suspicion that Tanzanians have against Kenyans has existed for a very long time. But this post isn’t about that. Look for a political blog to read more about that.

Nyerere was right about that though. In Kenya, everyone is out to get a little something out of you. If it’s not the politicians fleecing public coffers (legally and illegally) then it’s the cops and City Council fellows seeking bribes. If not them, then there’s a jambazi somewhere seeking to dispossess you of your hard earned money and other possessions. If not them, then there’s some woman gold digging on your ass. If not them….there’s always bound to be someone looking to get something from you.

I found out about that the hard way, last week where I got mugged twice, once by the cops!!! The first incident was rather funny though coz I was actually laughing throughout the process.

We live somewhere on the outskirts of Nairobi, and getting home by public means in the evening is usually a very tricky affair. There are two different routes that one can use.

Route A is closest to digz, but one has to take two mats to fika, one for Eastleigh where you shuka halfway and take another connecting one to digz. It’s a bit complicated but far much safer than walking past Bus Station where you’re almost guaranteed of getting jacked.

Route B is farther away from digz, and the last stage is 4.1km to my digz, but from there, one can take a tuktuk for the rest of the distance. The only problem is that the tuktuks are expensive (Ksh 150) obviously not fare that you can afford to pay every day. And they stop operating at 8pm. After 8pm, there are the Securicor/Group 4/Securex/KK Security double cabs which if you talk to the dere nicely, they can drop you home, but for a fee (100 bob)

On Thursday evening I was is in town heading home a bit late (i.e.past 8pm), lakini I opted against the easier Route A and took Route B. In my pocket I had Ksh 610. Upon alighting at the stage, I walked down expecting to find the kawaida driver for Securex to drop me home. But unfortunately he was on leave and there was anaa dere, who wasn’t willing to drop me for a sok. He wanted 200 bob, which I wasn’t willing to pay. And since it was past 8pm, there were no tuktuks.

Sidebar: Kwanza our hood has anaa red tuktuk emblazoned with “HAMMER” at the front and “NYUNDO FORCE” at the back. Advancement my guy! We have Hummers for tuktuks!!!

Anyway, I whipped out the penguin to try and find a pal to come pick me up, but when the driver saw that, he insisted that the 200 bob could be negotiated and that “tutaongea mbele” so I hopped into the back seat, ensconced between two cops with their AK47s and in the front there was the dere and another Securex guard. We drove for a while before the car slowed down for the “negotiations” to begin.

Dere: Kijana unatoa ngapi?

Me: Mi niko na soo pekee. Si hio ndio vile mi hupanga na (regular dere)

Dere: Sisi hatufanyangi hizi favours kwa pesa ndogo. Ongea vizuri.

Me: Mazee, soo mbili ni mob bana!

Dere: Hauwezi kuishi hapa na hauna pesa! Ama unataka kushuka?

Me: Ah Boss bana, si tunaeza patana siku ingine nikiwa nimejipanga?

Dere: Hakuna kitu kama hiyo.

Me: Sawa wee nifikishe home alafu tutaongea.

They eventually dropped me home, but I couldn’t exit the moti bila paying up first. So I got out my wallet to pull out the 100 bob, but unfortunately also the 500 bob note slipped out.

Cop: Sasa hiyo imeshikana ati unaachia nani?

*lost for words, aki I should have fichad that note elsewhere. But how could I have known?*

Me: Hii namrudishia mtu, sio yangu.

Cop: gichana unatupotesea wagati unatutanganya ati hauna pesa. *grabs 500 bob note*

Wachanga mchezo gichana.

Me: Ah wee ofisaa kuwa serious lakini! Sawa chukueni soo mbili mnirudishie change.

Cop: Ati change? Kwani tunakaa kama kiosk?

*laughter*

I shukad the moti hoping that they were not seriously going to take my 5 sok but shock on my diabz, they did! They turned the car around and bounced, with big smiles on their faces!!!

Dere: kesho ukikwama si tutaonana? Mweheheheheheheheheheeee!!!!

I’ve sareeed!!!

Fast forward to Saturday night. I’d spent a cosy evening out in the company of a very lovely lady. A pal of mine with a moti was meant to join us in town then we’d hanye, but he got derailed and couldn’t make it. So when the evening came to an end, I found myself in tao at 10:30pm chapaing futsubishi to look for a jav since I didn’t have enough cash for a cab. This time I decided to use Route B, knowing what lay ahead if I took Route A. Walking very briskly to catch a mat for Eastleigh, then out of nowhere came these two dudes, one on each side and pushed me towards a dark corner.

Thug 1: Toa doh na mbota! Spidi jo, niko na kisu

Ok at that particular moment in time I was not quite sober, but still, I knew that anyone would have to be a complete idiot to dare dispossess me of my beloved penguin and my watch (sentimental attachment) Kwanza don’t mess with Mishale, coz just as the name suggests, I’m sharp and I’m fast! If you had a knife, surely you wouldn’t need to tell me you have one. If you were a bank robber, you wouldn’t walk into a bank and say that you have a gun. You’d show the bloody gun and let it do the talking. Alaa?!

Quick thinking here. There’s no way I’m being jacked! I caught them off guard, there was a bit of a scuffle, I got thwacked a bit, but in the end I kicked one guy in the nuts and took off like a bullet! Aki that sprint, even Asafa Powell would have nothing on me! Luckily I found a mat that was almost full so I leapt in chap chap. I didn’t even bother to look back to see whether they were in pursuit.

Aki hii maneno ya public transport is not for me, I need a car!!! 

 

Onto other things…

 

RIP

colin-imprezza.jpg

Former World Rally Champion Colin McRae was killed in a helicopter crash on Saturday afternoon in Scotland. Among the passengers in the helicopter that McRae was piloting were his 5 year old son, a friend and his son. McRae will be remembered for winning the Safari Rally thrice (1994, 1999 and 2002) and for being one of the craziest, most daring and definitely most exciting rally drivers ever.

colin-mcrae.jpg

Colin next to his ill-fated helicopter

 

RIP Colin Mcrae.

 

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK

Team McLaren Mercedes were last week found guilty of being in possession of classified information from the Ferrari Formula 1 team and were fined $100 million ($49.2 million Pounds) and stripped of ALL their constructors points for this season, AS WELL AS for the 2008 season. (McLaren were leading the Constructors table before they were stripped of the points)

In fact, McLaren Mercedes were thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to being kicked out of the F1 championships altogether

Among the information discovered were emails sent by test driver Pedro de la Rosa to reigning world Champion Fernando Alonso regarding technical and strategic information sourced from a Fezza insider for more than three months.

I’m ashamed to be a McLaren Mercedes fan. Shameless kabisa. Team McLaren Mercedes, Fernando Alonso and Pedro de la Rosa, y’all are major embarrassments.

Seems like Lewis Hamilton is the only clean person in the team. Go forth and win that championship, young man!!

 

What’s on my Playlist?

Stillness in time – Jamiroquai

Following last week’s leaking of the Kroll Report into the grand looting of Kenya by Uncle Dan and his cronies, the source (which we all knew) and the true wealth of these individuals have finally come to light. And to call such figures “mind boggling” would be a gross misnomer, coz the fellow who thought up this phrase clearly wasn’t thinking in Kenya shillings.

Ksh 71 Billion is what is indicated as the total (known) wealth of one individual named in the report. Let’s put this figure into perspective:

Ksh 71,000,000,000.00 = 550 million pounds sterling or $1.07 billion.

What would one person do with all that money? Why accumulate such obscene amounts of wealth that one can’t even spend? What would you do with that kind of money? My cousin and I spent some time over the weekend pondering over what to do with 71B until we had our brains constipating. I can’t even think up a way to spend HALF that money!

Even if I bought a customized Boeing BBJ and flew to Stamford Bridge, Old Trafford, Eltadio Santiago Bernabeu and the San Siro for every home game, and to every single Formula 1 circuit, bought a few luxury homes in London, Los Angeles, Miami and Switzerland, bought half my dream cars plus the usual suspects (Rolls-Royce Phantom stretch limo, Maybach 62S, Pagani Zonda S, Overfinch Range Rover 580S, Lamborghini Murcielago, BMW 760Li, BMW M5 among many others), gave my immediate family $10 million each, and set up a charity foundation for the underprivileged in society with Ksh 2 billion, I’d leave quite a lot of change.

But that’s not the point. How is it that a handful of people have looted Ksh 130B from the national coffers and stashed it abroad? How is it that one family in Kenya is worth more than Ksh 100B? How is it that one individual alone is worth Ksh 71B? Most of that money is just sitting in foreign accounts earning interest!

Obviously these characters will deny that they did loot the money. But how can they account for their wealth? How is it possible for anyone to amass that kind of wealth (in Kenya) legally? That’s more than the annual profits of EABL, Safaricom, Celtel, Barclays Bank combined for 5 years!! Kwani what business have they been engaging in to make such money legitimately?

Have they no conscience whatsoever?

My primary school kiswahili teacher Mr Wallah Bin Wallah once told my class that if one ever really really really really REALLY needed to steal something, steal only what you need. Anything beyond that is pointless. If you’re hungry and you really need to steal a banana, steal a banana. If you need to steal 20 bob to buy a packet of milk, steal just that 20 bob. At least ukishikwa, utaweza kijitetea. I was hungry so I stole a loaf of bread! That’s somewhat understandable. But not raiding my farm and taking off with all my apples!

Not that I condone theft (I doubt that Mr Wallah does as well), but surely, if you really have to loot state coffers (which you don’t) si you just loot kedo a billion each, invest it wisely and leave something for the rest of the country? Coz WTF is one man going to do with Ksh 71B??

How do you sleep at night knowing that you’ve looted half of a country’s GDP? That the money gathering dust in your Swiss account could have been used to improve the healthcare system, that accident related deaths could have been reduced significantly had the funds in your Cayman Islands account been used to build quality roads, that the level of crime would have greatly reduced if the funds in your Belgian bank had been used to create education and employment opportunities for wananchi.

Mazee at least y’all should have done something to alleviate the poverty in your own backyard of Baringo Central, which remains one of Kenya’s poorest areas!! So shameless!!

The Narc government came into power in 2002 with the promise of ending corruption, and the whole country waited with baited breath to see whether the looters would be prosecuted. That clearly didn’t happen. Then it turns out that Obacks has been sitting on the Kroll Report for three years now? Why? So Kibaki had this information all along, but here we have ministers constantly re-assuring Kenyans that “The Govt is doing everything in its power to recover stolen funds stashed abroad…there are no sacred cows…no stone will be left unturned…” Evidently, our beloved government and Ringera’s KACC are working overtime.

Then the grand looter himself goes ahead to endorse Obacks for a second term. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

The failure of Obacks’ government to effectively tackle corruption, plus dipping their fingers into the Anglo Fleecing jar, add onto the fact that Obacks is 77 this year and there’s no assurance whatsoever that he’ll be the man running the country in the next three years (wacha 5 years, what happens if [God forbid] he suffers yet another stroke before then?) eliminates him from my choice of president for later this year.

ODM is not any better, Raila Odinga is on record for assuring Moi that he’ll “…protect him, his family and the Kalenjin community once he becomes president…” Kalonzo is known to have uttered similar sentiments in the recent past. Protect them from what? Prosecution? Add onto that the fact that ODM and ODM-K packed with individuals known to have committed economic crimes under the previous regime, I don’t really think that an ODM (or ODM-K) government would effectively tackle corruption either! No vote for you!

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

NARC = Nothing Actually Really Changed.

ODM = ??

 

Ok, for fantasy’s sake, how would you spend Ksh 71,000,000,000.00?

Fokojembe of the week

There’s dreaming, and there’s foolishness. Maybe even foolish dreams or perhaps even dreaming about foolishness.

Here’s a politician who woke up one day and decided that he wants to be president of Kenya. He’s never bothered to criss-cross the country to popularise himself and the agenda that he has for the country (if elected), doesn’t particularly have a track record of achievement during his tenure in government, has never featured anywhere above 1% in any popularity poll, but somehow still believes that he’s the most qualified person to be Kibaki’s main rival in the forthcoming elections. Dude even paid the Ksh 2m nomination fee.

Then you got only 30 votes at Kasarani?

Joe Nyagah, join your brother Norman in the league of the foolish.


What’s on my playlist?


WARNING: This audio clip is of an extremely hilarious nature. Listener discretion is advised.

 

I didn’t think that ordering flowers could be so interesting!!


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