Part One: Set Up!! 

A friend of mine recently got himself into a pretty messed up situation. In simple terms, he cheated on his mama and got busted, in rather spectacular fashion. Although the circumstances behind that incident were quite dubious. Lemme break it down for you.

My pal, let’s call him Jeff. No, wait a minute. Bad choice…. let’s call him Andy. So Andy has been going strong with his mama, let’s call her Cathy, for about a year now. Andy is the average 20 something Kenyan male. Loves hanging out with the boys over the weekend, watching premier league on Sato, hanging out for pints, a few clandes here and there. You know, usual stuff.

Andy is pretty confident about his game, and has never really had to work too hard to get laid, coz for one, he’s quite good looking (as the ladies say) and he comes from a pretty well off family so he always has a bit of cash to throw around in the name of impressing the ladies, since everyone knows that in Nairobi these days, mkono mtupu haulambwi. There ain’t no romance without finance.

But all that sleeping around and not wanting to be tied down to one mama ended when he met Cathy. See, Cathy proved to be a worthy challenge to him. Quite a challenge that he actually benched any agendas he had of discovering the point where her tender brown thighs met. He became more interested in picking her brain. And boy, was he fascinated!

You see, Cathy wasn’t just the ordinary run of the mill type of girl. There are several categories of women. As Solo of Capital FM’s Hits not Homework put it last week, (some of) the categories are as follows:

a) Waru:

yes, a waru. A boiled potato. Kwanza bila salt. Otherwise known as village bicycle or “injury time.” the type of mama who you only hunt for in the pub at 4am if you find yourself faced with the prospect of going home alone. Warus are generally very loose mamas. The kind of mama who you can see through from the very moment you lay your eyes on her. She’s definitely not the keeping type. She doesn’t necessarily have to be good looking, just as long as she has the goods, coz she’ll gladly part her thighs for any man who shows any slight intrerest in her. It’s a rare thing, this.

This type of woman, all you need to do is throw her a couple of pints, and she’ll be down for the idea of take her home to introduce her to Commander in Chief and his two trusted lieutenants. That’s her sole purpose. She’s not the type you’d even want to be acquainted with past the bumping of pelvises bit.  God forbid that you be seen with her in public, for that means your CV going crashing down to a point beyond salvage.

b) Chips:

A chips (or chips funga/take away) is the kind of woman who’s catching to the eye, but not necessarily the keeping type. They may be maintained as clandes, to provide the much needed strokage during those dry days. They’re also very good company to hang out with. They’re more up-town than warus, and not as loose. You can be seen with them bila having any worries (well, except if you’re hooked up!) And on occasion, they may even be promoted to category C.

c) French fry:

Just as the name suggests, a french fry is a classy, styled up mama who knows how to play her game. Dresses well and carries herself with an air of panache. The type any man would be honoured to have. She’s not easy take away material, but she’s definitely the keeping type. They can easily read through the fancy clothes and expensive drinks. Such mamas make it clear to you from day one that if you wanna get with her, you’ll have to work hard. Very hard!

Anyway, Andy had been dishing up several waru and chips funga type mamas just like the rest of us, when he stumbled upon the one french fry that made him decide to change his ways, Cathy. After unleashing his A-game and diligently pursuing her for about a month, he finally bagged her, and since then he’s had eyes for her and only her. So much so that he’s even turned down offers for lap dances from 2 of the finest strippers I have ever personally laid eyes upon, in one strip club in Nairobi whose name is only mentioned in hushed whispers.

(For more information, see me sideways and you better be armed with your 100 bob “donation” into my mobile phone!)

Things have been going quite well between Andy and Cathy for several months. They’re quite compatible and they look good together. They looked like they might be together for the long run. At least that’s what Andy thought.

The first time they met, well, Andy couldn’t deny that Samantha was off the hinges! She was fwyyyne!!  Samantha came up to him and started conversation, which, after a while, was heading in a direction that Andy wasn’t too comfortable with, since he was more than satisfied with Cathy.

And Andy, being the good friend that he is, gave a Fabregas style through pass to the boys. Samantha wasn’t down for that plan since she only had eyes for Andy. But Andy didn’t hide the fact that he’s in love with a very beautiful chic and that he’s faithful to her. Samantha kept insisting that she wasn’t interested in anything heavy, just a cotton bud to “loosen the wet wax in her ear” and she’d be good to go.

I must say that not many men would blink twice at such a proposition. A fwyne ass mama hitting on you, and she’s only interested in one night of good strokes? WELL IN!!

But that’s where we go wrong coz from experience, I’ve come to learn that if the shag comes too easy, there definitely must be something attached. For one, you just might end up with another Marianne Briner drama queen who’ll gladly shag you and shout about it from the rooftops the very next day.

But I digress.

Andy turned down her advances once, twice and even thrice (on different occasions) but every guy has his off days when he lets his guard down, and one night at a bash, Andy got quite tipsy. Samantha didn’t chelewa! The cloth that she had around her waist masquerading as a skirt certainly did its job of revealing enough thigh to get Andy’s juices boiling. Add onto that the expensive perfume that certainly contained more than the standard measure of pheromones. Andy must have had a pretty hard time keeping his eyes above her chin coz…….them twins!!

Samantha played her cards well. She offered her honour, and in the end, Andy had no option but to honour her offer.

They drove to Andy’s place where they wasted no time in hurriedly ripping the clothes off each other. (Remember how you used to unwrap a Dairy Milk?) There was no time for mood setting music, raging hanjams swiftly took control.

They got into the act barely into the livingroom. Standings kwa ukuta!! Followed by mkokoteni against the wall, then he lifted her by the diabz and placed her on the sofa where he acquainted her knees with her ears and drilled deep, her nails tearing into his skin and her teeth sinking into his neck like a bloodthirsty vampire.

Then guess who walks into the livingroom at that precise moment that they climaxed together…

What became apparent later on is that Cathy had set him up to test his commitment to her. So she got one of her friends, Samantha, to try her best to seduce her man. (Maybe Samantha took things too far? Maybe she had agendas of her own? Who knows!!) So according to Cathy, Andy had failed the ultimate test.

Funny thing is that now Cathy dumped his ass for infidelity and is walking around town sulking like a ndao fresh off the frying pan. Apparently she’s “devastated” that her man cheated on her. No amount of apology and explanation from Andy will be accepted.

I think all this is the height of stupidity.

My reasoning is that Cathy shouldn’t blame Andy for what went down with Samantha. She has no moral authority to do so! Cathy shouldn’t even be playing victim!! And I’ve told her as much. You can’t put a dude in such a situation and then accuse him of infidelity once he slips! This is just wrong. And it’s not as if he went out looking to cheat on her, she set him up! To add onto that, it turns out that Cathy had been nyimaing Andy strokes (bila reason – apparently she always has a headache at those convenient moments) for about a month.

Do you think such mind games are fair? I’ve heard of people pulling such stunts to gauge the faithfulness of one’s partner, but not to the extent that the person is literally badgered into having sex with someone else, then you blame them for falling into your trap!! Once you’ve tried once or twice and you’ve been turned down, shouldn’t you stop there? What’s your take on this? How would you find out how faithful your partner is to you?

Stay tuned for Part 2 (although it’s not a continuation of this particular story)

FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK!!

Loud, eh? That’s coz I am getting tired of writing the same old shit every other week…

Can you believe this? Last Tuesday, Bernard Otieno, sports anchor of NTV, that tired ass football commentator famous for “There goes Musa Otieno dilly dallying with the ball, dilly dallying with the ball, now look he has lost the ball, all because of dilly dallying with the ball…” actually said these words:

“We all know that Real Madrid rules the soccer in Spain, just as we know that Lewis Hamilton rules the tracks of Formula 1. But sorry we don’t have time for that right now… goodbye”

You don’t have time for what? Just why do you think I had my diab glued to the sofa? So how are Kenyan F1 fans supposed to know just how Lewis Hamilton rules the track IF YOU WON’T EVER SHOW IT TO US?!!! So when will NTV ever have time to show Formula 1 highlights in their sports news?

For that, Bernard, you and the entire NTV sports team have earned yourselves the prestigious award of FOKOJEMBE OF THE WEEK, recurring until the end of this Formula 1 season. (Remember how when you have a ka dot on top of the last digit in a decimal e.g 4.7299 then you put a dot on top of the last 9 to show that it recurs?) Yes, NTV sports fokojembeism recurs ad infinitum. And when it gets there, it rewinds.

KTN don’t ati smile, you’re not far behind. You get the award for this week.

What’s on my playlist?

My girlfriend *cough cough!* hooked me up with this MP3, Hidden Beach Recordings Unwrapped Vol 1 & 2. This is where Jazz meets Hip Hop and R&B. Very deadly mixes!! I’m hooked!

Check out this jazzified rendition of Ludacris’ Roll Out (my bizness) I think it’s too deadly!!!