The following is an excerpt of a chat that I had with a blogger pal a few nights ago. (Don’t ask who coz I’m not telling!) Boredom, coupled with insomnia is a bad thing!! 

Me: WEWE!!

Her: ish  

lol 

sema

Me: easy tu

just chilling 

I’m in bed waiting for usingizi to check in

Her: yeah…I’ve just ingiad and am tireed.

Psyching up to go swatch

Me: kwani you have to syke yourself to go swatch?

Her: aaah..ure ensconced hapo ndani?

Me: mi niko club duvet tayari but this bloody swatch isn’t coming!

Sifting through the aggregator lakini leo kumekauka mbaiiiya!

Her: it isssssss the most boring day..I feel u,

how was the rest of it though?

yeah..coz am fatigued bt my mind is elsewhere so I won’t swatch

Me: Equally as boring.

Didn’t fika jobo today

Fanyad laundry manually

Kusugua na nguvu

Took Sunki to the vet,

he sprained his mguu last night doing sijui what gymnastics

Her: had the day off as well?

sunkuli ni doggy??

Lol

Me: yeah that’s my dogi

Her: woiiiyeeeee how do dogs sprain legs?

Lol was it jumping over something and missed?

Me: now how am I supposed to know?

Sunki can be pretty dumb at times

kwanza you wouldn’t believe it but right now he’s got his coat stuck on a nail for the mlango for the kennel

Her: aaawww..so it’s kinda limping about and coat in mlango?? Poor thing

Me: He’s yelping yelping outside like a biatch zaaing

Her: si you go help eish unangoja?

Me: Are you nuts?

It’s 1:37am!!

Her: lol u’ll just lenga him like that? 

so..he’s your dog ain’t he…

woishe u don’t penda him enuff :(

Me: I do! But I can’t chomoka outside now!

What if Mungiki are timing my diabz pale kwa fence?

Tena vile my bed is nice and warm!

Her: sawa…leave him out there…cold and in pain limping and crying

Me: Ajipange!

Si ni mwanaume!

He wasn’t named after a maasai for nothing!

Her: just go..rush out, help then rush in!

Umeenda ku help?

Me: eh…..well I’m thinking about it

Her: you’re wasting time thinkin…woiye

go..

goooooooo 

jus go 

gooo

gooooo

go

go

u goin?

Me: ok ok ok woman I’m going!

Sheeesh!

Lakini now where are my clothes?

Her: hapo down

Me: ah

Her: Near the bed

Me: Sawa

Her: kwani you swatch nude?

Me: Bila. I swatch in boxers

kwanza za *action hero’s name censored!!*

hehe!

Her: Umeziona?

Me: Ya  nazivaa saa hii

Utakuwa awake nikirudi?

Her: I’ll try to be

sawa…rush and rudi

Me: I’ll be chap chap.

Two minutes tu.

Chap chap kabla I’m beheaded

Let’s hope Mungiks bado wamezubaa

Her: sawasawa…nangoja.

Kimbia kanaumiaaaaaa

8 minutes

Me: I’m back now 

Kumbe ilikuwa kazi mob!!

Alafu kamenichafua!

Her: hehehe Danger Arch, dangeeeeeeer Aaaaaarch

umemset free?

Me: don’t mess nyako, me ni super hero!

Her: Eh?..is he safely aswatch?

Me: I’m sure he is by now.

Lazima amechoka

Stupid mongrel

Her: Woiyee wacha kumtusi

Me: kwani sasa ako na human rights?

Na ameifukuza usingizi tena permanently!

Najua leo silali

Her: lol hehehe si he has feelings yawa!

- END OF CHAT -

It’s about time that I introduced my pet dog Sunkuli

Sunki

(Apparently he’s supposed to be a German Shepherd!!)

And just in case you’re wondering, yes he was named after that one Sunkuli that you all know. See, we got the dog soon after KANU were shafted in 2002 elections and subsequently dumped into the opposition, from where they currently pretend to be very concerned about the Constitution, press freedom and human rights! Surely, who are they trying to fool? The same guys who ruled for 40 years and milked the country dry and knew nothing about human rights! In fact I can’t comprehend how anyone can, in any honesty, be an ODM supporter!

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about my dog. His biatch’s name was Ruto. You get the drift.

I’ve mentioned severally in the past that I’ve had dog phobia (Kirima ebu please give us the scientific name) since I was a kid. Once I see a dog, my legs freeze, I start sweating all over, my fear becomes very evident, and the dogs have a field day chasing me around and munching my diabz. So I’d be the very last person you’d expect to see anywhere near a dog!! When we moved into our current digz four years ago, there was the need to take come security precautions, one of which was to invest in a mongrel or two. I wasn’t really down for the idea initially, but I had to give in. It’s called democracy. I lost the vote.

So one day, about a week after moving in, this random chap comes to the digz with two very healthy german shepherds on leashes, those things must have been fed on small boys and steroids! They were HUGE!!!! With their tongues sticking out and dripping goblets of saliva. I could tell they were fantasizing over my skwuoks and my thuthaz. The jamaa tells us that he’s a dog trainer, and those two are “samples” of the good work that he’s done for one of our neighbours. And if we could give him the “kibarua”, he’d source for a couple of healthy german shepherd puppies and train them, build them a kennel and what not. So we, knowing absolutely nothing about dogs and “knowing” that the jamaa is the professional, we gave him the “kibarua” to do just that.

A couple of days later there was a stranger in the compound. The stranger kept yelping all day. My curiosity led me to a thick bush and behind it lay this cute little puppy cowering in fear. All I could think of was that that tiny thing probably had some very big agendas…to munch my toes!!! So best believe that I ran in the opposite direction!!

Within days, the mutual fear subsided, we began to play around, and very soon Sunki and I became buddies, he loved being stroked (minds out of the gutter please! Mwas, 3N!) on the head, below the chin and on his belly. My pals thought we had an unusual relationship coz when I came home, Sunki would run over to me, lick my palms, then assume the position. Legs up with belly exposed. He wanted me to rub his belly with the sole of my shoe. After getting his daily dosage of “rubbz”, he’d run off and do whatever it is that dogs do in the bush.

A couple of weeks later, Bwana Kibarua returned with another “rotwerra na chamani shefati” crossbreed (apparently) puppy, this time a female (who was promptly named Ruto) They fought over territory for a while before coming to an understanding of their own.

The kennel was built (insert money here) all manner of shampoos and de-wormers were purchased (insert money here) all manner of dog feeds were purchased, including game meat from the Nairobi National Park (insert MONEY here!!) Of course the idiot had to be paid (insert money here)…..but the bloody mongrels just didn’t grow!

We asked the jamaa how come the dogs ain’t getting any bigger and he was like “sipatieko tu wakati sikuleko, sishipeko, alafu sitakueko kwansa fast bodi ya hii estate musima! Ata khale tu-mbwa nililetakho siku ile itakuwa inakochoa ikionako Sunkuli na Ruto kutoka mbali!” Sawa, you’re the mjuaji. Do your thing.

Let’s just put it this way. The mongrels didn’t grow, only Sunki benefited from the training, the dude ran away after extorting a lot of cash from us, kumbe alikuwa ametuletea mbwa koko!!! German Shepherd nutting!! Rottweiller my ass!! You know those dogs that hawkers sell pale Westlands near the Mall and Sarit Centre in small cartons? The stray things you find in the shagz where they’re all called either Simba or Tusker, or occasionally Taika!! (Tiger!) Baaas! Ni hao!

Then when they matured, all they did was shag, shag and shag, getting stuck and wailing the whole night, getting preggers and littering the compound with more unwanted KANU offspring which we had to somehow get rid of (for free, coz who wants to buy a mbwa koko?)

Then later Ruto brought too much siasa so one day we just opened the gate and told her to scatter!! Sunki has never been the same without his ka thweeetie. B train for three years strong! But that’s life.

Sunki and I have a very interesting understanding. Back in the day when I used to sneak out of the digz at 1am to have a smoke, he’d run to the pavement behind the house where I was, he’d sit next to me and listen to my problems. Someone please define dog breath!!  He’s got the same taste as I do in women (he loves healthy, well rounded posteriors!) And sometimes he’s also been very useful in chasing away owners of said thuthas when they refused to co-operate! He’s chased away a thug or three. He’s been sick to the point of near death and survived just as I was about to organize a funeral committee. Tumetoka mbali jo!

And I just gotta say, Me I Love Sunki Regardless!! (MILOSURE!!)

*I’ve always wanted to jack Milo’s lingo. Hehehehehe!! Pole dadii!*

A.O.B

future finance minister

This brilliant young man made my day last Thursday. Who watched KTN news? And yes, he’s addressing a “press conference” in Finance Minister Amos Kimunya’s Office, hours before Kimunya was due to present the Budget speech in Parliament.  To put it lightly, the young lad put Kimunya on notice and informed him that he’s got his eyes firmly fixed on his (Kimunya’s) job! Said lad earned himself a thunderous foot thumping in Parliament later on (for once a good number our parliamentarians stayed awake throughout the budget speech) and later had afternoon tea with President Kibaki.

Kudos, son! You are a leader of tomorrow. Just pray that Kimunya won’t still be in Parliament when you’re old enough to take over his current job!!

What’s on my playlist?

Maxwell – Drown deep Hula