Sasa vile Bantuts ameturoga kishenzi KBdab nzima na ma sheng zake zenye hakuna mwenye alikuwa anazikwachu ka 2 months ago, na vile sasa ameanza uchochezi na Mzee Methu ati si wote tochomoe ma risto za kikwetu, wacheni basi niikwachu io challenge niwaroge na ka-stori hivi. Na nyi mafala mmekua mkinichekelea sheng yangu bandia mkidhani nitashindwa, SHINDWE!! Sita-mention majina, lakini kina Sue na Unyc na Jada mnajijua! Kwanza hii blog yangu mpya ni noma mpaka nime-nego na EGM alias Pythagoras Hypotenuse tuka-install ma widgets za kudetect vicheko za kijinga. Ukiona screen yako imeenda blank, jua tu ni ma widgets hizo noma zina-do job.

Kitu yenye ii unibamba sana ni vile wadhii hujidai wanoma ati shujaa wa ku-do vitu wakati wamewaka kiasi bila kujua wana-blunder ile mbaiya. Sasa, stori iko ivi.

Si Sato nilichomoka kwa baahrin githaa ka saa tuta hivi. Nikapiga Futsubishi (yaani Route 11) mimi huyoooooo…….mpaka lo? Mpaka local. Nikakutana na wasela na malefa wa mtaa wakibangaiza wakijitibu mdogo mdo? Mdogo mdogo. Saa juu nilikuwa nimechelewa, ilibidi nitoboke frotho mbili mbili za kugotea maMboyzz ili waache kunifyatukia. Alafu nikaamua kupiga lap of honour ya kuwagotea ma regulars, kurudi nikampata fala fulani ameji-ensconce kwa kiti ya mine. Hajui mi ni veteran huku, anigotee heshima zangu. Juu ya heshima zake ndogo, ilibidi nim-show a ba-ba-ba-banjuke tu! (Si usaree!) Toka hapo! Bradi fogothari!

Hapo ndipo sasa ma-stori zikaanza kukwachu na mawuoiyes kutiririka. Ma-gethaa zikapita mpaka masaa basa ivi, huku ma frotho zilikua zinakwachu wasee proper. Saa kuna boy wangu alikuwa gauge na mshii wake alikuanga ni KITU!!! Aki mi siku-mind kuvuka na hizo burungo. Tukaanza kuulizana boy wetu vile alikuwa ahead, ataezanaje na hiyo ithaa in his state of non-compos-mentis. Wacha niwa-show, huyo mshii alikuanga ni machine!! M-brown na mwili ndogo portable videadly ka laptop ya Sony Vaio, ata mnoma kuliko hako ka Apple Mac Mini ya Mzee Methu.

Sony Vaio laptop

Hii laptop haichapangi sijui Linux na Ubuntu na ma Mac OS, ii hu-run na software ingine huitwanga Bonyezaflex Operating System V7.1. Tunaeza chapana vertical rhumba, sideways rhumba, horizontal rhumba, ata ma-somersault zingine kali sana.

Enyewe every dog has its day, so to my utter dismay, boy akambeba mshii take away nikajua leo nitalala na ma blue ball syndrome.

Juu ya hiyo story tukaamua ku-gush hadi K1 tukaipige ji? Tukaipige jicho. Ndio mjue mawuoiiiiiyes ni balaa, ebu imagine tulijudai si ni wanoma pool tukam-challenge mse mmoja mwenye ni 3 time Pilsner Imara Challenge champion. Let me tell you, that guy entered for us for free and removed us paint thoroughly tukabaki colourless ka trophy cabinet ya Arsenal! Hapo ndipo tulikuwa katika pilka pilka za kutafuta mamroro lakini place ilikuwa imekauka mbaiiiya! Tukaamua kujipanga mpaka Qs.

Kupita hio njia karibu na Parklands Police Station si boy alimcheki karao mmoja beste yake mwenye hua wana frotho na yeye? Fala akaamua aweke pick up kando ati akamgotee karao. Shock on your diabz! Makarao wakampimia ma G-3 wakidhani ati ni jambazi fala ati anamhanda karao ka AK-47 yake. Karibu afyatuliwe ile mbaiya, ni vile tu beste yake aka-intervene akawa-show hao ma karao wengine huu mse ni beste yake. Lakini hiyo ni ufala. Karao haezi kua beste yako wakati ako in uniform akibeba G3. Kwani unadhani amekula stone face kwa vile amenyimwa ma hugs zako?

Mazee hapo nje ya Qs kwa parking tulipata dinki mwengine……auuuuuuuiiiiiiiii! Ebu tegeni skio msikilize formula. Miguu amestunya ka mluhya, mapaja healthy ka za mkamba, haga bwaku ka za mganda, dashboard fyam ka ya msapere, sura noma ka ya mtaita na nywele laini ka ya msomali. Nikacheki angalau nimuangushie mistari kadhaa nikamuuliza “niaje niaje? Enyewe, live, maze dame uko poa na umebeba vifiti mpaka kwa jeans nimekuchorea standing ovation, najiskia karibu nifyatukeeee…..KAMA BUNDUKEEEEE!!” Alafu nikamuuliza ka ameskia hio prophesy ya earthquake itakuwa Westi soon. Akaniangushia twang ka ya Carol Radull wa Kiss 100 ati “so WTF has that gats to do with me, ya punk?” huku ananitingishia kichwa kihindi pamoja na mikono, njaro zile za “nigga puh-leaze!” Nikam-suggestia tupeane kamooooooja tu! Ndio at least earthquake iki-come tutakuwa tushajiseti vifiti tusishikwe offside. Kumbe already alikuwa ashanipima, ashanikagua, ashanitoa rangi vile aliniona nikidondoka kutoka pick up ya boy (si mnajua Helen bado yu jikoni?) akani-dismiss bila stress juu policy yake ni no romance without finance!

Kufika lembe tukamgotea Aizoh, ule head bouncer wa Qs. Enyewe huyo mse ni old boy wa Qs, yaani ni veteran mpaka anaeza andika best-seller aiite “My Life At The Door!” Yaani hananga ma career ambitions?

Kuingia Qs ndani ilikuwa kedo 4am. Huko nako hakukua na show pia. Tukaji-enskwons kwa counter na kum-show nyaguthii atuthe? Atutherereshe proper. Enyewe wadhii, tulitoka hapo tulikua tumeiva ka liver ya Uhush Onyatto.

Saa vile ilikua tayari ngware, next destination ilikuanga ni Club Raymond direct (yaani bedtime) tukajiseti kwa pick up ndipo hapo dere alijidai ati pick up inaeza kuwa ndae ya safo dezine tena ka Impreza WRX STI ya Colin Mcrae. Believe me, kutoka Westi mpaka keja we took less than 10 minutes. Na sio ati si uishi karibu. Maskan iko kidogo farthest. Waulize Methu na Sue. Na vile ndae ilimea ma 7 speed Tiptronic Gearbox na ma Electronic Stability Control na ma Automatic Electronic Independent Brake Force Distribution System (ngoja kwanza nikai-copyright hiyo jina. Sidhani bado hai-exist) mpaka saa hizi ata mi sijui. Kuisorora the next day ndae ilikua inanichekelea dezine za “kijanaa umezoea kunipima!”

Kuingia bed na vile nilikua mawuoiiiyes nakashikwa na kisunzi, yaani head ilikua inaspin videadly mpaka nikashtuka nimeji-teleport mpaka dimension ingine mpaka hiyo race ya Australian Grand Prix, tena kwa podium nikipewa trophy yangu ile soo vile nilikua nimewanyorosha akina Schumacher na Bunson Jetton (Jenson Button-huyo mse wa Honda) Kidogo mongolio ikaanza kuwika na ile ringtone ya national anthem. Kuicheki nikaona namba 0722 000001 nikajua huyo ni Rais Obako ananishtu? Ananishtua. “Kijana reo naona umeacha kuedeesha kama mavi ya kuku. Maambo ya kuregareega pia umeaacha. Umefaanya kaaaazi mzuri saana. Kuuja State House nikurausheEE na White Cap biiri.” Ati Obako ameni-show ni come Jamhuri kwa Official State Welcome befitting of the World Champion that I am? Mpaka akani-sendia Kenya One (presidential jet) iniokote kutoka ng’ambo hadi mtaani. Mi ni nani nikatae hio offer?

BOSS!! Kufika JKIA nikapata umati wa ma-dame wakitingisha ma-flag za Jamhuri wakiwika “MWANAMISHALEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” na ma bra na ma ngotha tu ndio nilikuwa natupiwa ka zamani ma-fans wa Michael Jackson walikuwa waki-do, sijui wengine washaanza ku-faint na kuingia ma-frenzy kiwazimu wakicheki hii sura ya huu chali mocha khandisome namba one, picha yanje waweke kwa kharpam (album)

Enyewe wasee mkienda kuwasha mjue tu MAWUOIIIYES BALAA!!! Wacheni kujidai mashujaa.

(Methu na Bantuts, ka hii post sio number one, basi rasima mko na wazimu!!)