January 2007


After reading the Daily Nation article on 25th December 2006 about 63% of single women in Kenya having not found suitable men to marry them, I thought it was ridiculous to suggest something like that. I wanted to write up a post about it but Stackofstiffyz and Aco beat me to it. A few responses to that article have been written in last Saturday’s edition of the Nation, but what made my day was Flakes (Saturday Magazine) by Kate Getao who compares courtship to procurement. She says:

“Like courtship, part of the problem why so many procurements are unsuccessful are the mandatory requirements. This is a list of conditions that must be fulfilled for the bid to succeed. Most young ladies have a very long list of impossible requirements so that most young men who knock on their doors fail to meet the requirements and are declared substantially non responsive.”

My main man Oyunga Pala joins in with this:

“The needs of today’s Kenyan woman are beyond anything that their mothers ever fathomed. No fellow besides a TV caricature could ever meet these standards. Women are well aware of this but it doesn’t stop them from continual fantasy. Real men are very basic. Take another look at your father.”

Another article in the same Saturday magazine by one Cosmas Butunyi says:

“…the crisis is not due to a shortage in the XY chromosome combination. There are droves of men roaming the streets, many more are landing at the maternity wings, and many, many more are being conceived. It’s just that they do not bear the elusive characteristics that would make them pass for what the female fraternity would like to call Mr. Right. For starters, a weak wallet is the brothers’ tallest shortcoming.”

He further adds:

“The single and selectively searching sisters also claim that men are ruthless dogs with the unfaithful mind of a cockerel, masquerading as humans. What escapes the feminine minds is the fact that the dudes are outdoing themselves to fit the bad boy image. Apparently this is what turns the girls, knees into jelly”

Well said. I’m not hating against our dear Kenyan sisters, we love you all but tafadhali yaani, let’s be realistic here. I’m sure there is a way in which we can co operate. Serious adjustments to current perceptions and expectations have to be made, and step one would be for y’all to quit watching those low budget Mexican soaps and come back down to earth. Good single men do exist na tena wako weeeeeengi sana. In fact I consider myself to be one and I have lots of character witnesses to prove this (Kenyanchick & Kipepeo please step forward) Look in the right places and you will find that good man. I can’t tell you where exactly to look, (coz it’s not like we all hang out at the same place) but I can advise you to keep your eyes open. In fact, if you start now, you just might perfect the art of attracting the right men and save yourself the embarrassment of being 30 something, single but desperately searching, but where the requirement list has been reduced from:

1. Must be tall dark and handsome (??)
2. Must have plenty of cash to spend on me (and my friends)
3. Must have a fancy car (with a Mitsubishi Galant being the starting point)
4. Must perform at par with a nuclear powered dildo.
5. Must be willing to fund a lavish wedding within the next year or so, complete with diamond rings, Saville Row suits, a fleet of silver Mercedes Benz, honeymoon in Hawaai or some other tiny island in the middle of nowhere

to:

1. A man who won’t beat me
2. A man who can still see his toes while standing upright.
3. A man who can give me at least one orgasm a month.

In a related matter, please have a look at this commentary that appeared in the Sunday Standard concerning Bishop Margaret “The Glowreh! Of the Lordah! Is here!” Wanjiru, she of the ” A man once offered himself to me, but I told him, I don’t-ah accept-a cheap-a gifts-a” fame, and her South African fiancé, one Bishop Matjeke. Enyewe that dude looks very suspect, he appears to have a permanent “mugshot” expression with a fishy smile like he’s been smoking some cheap weed.Dude must have served time at Pollsmoor Prison, or a few months kwa rumande. Kwani she couldn’t find herself a better specimen? (But even judging from the ex hubby…she just has straight up bad taste) Bishop Wanjiru KUWA SERIOUS!!

The dude looks so timid yaani it’s so obvious who wears the pants in that family. I’m sure Wanjiru will kalia him proper!

The author says:

“A word of caution to our girls: if you wish to cure loneliness with a foreigner, look for a good one. For the sake of our Vision 2030, we need good genes especially if they remain with us. It is wrong for our young women to grab the next grizzlied foreigner in the name of going international. If you must eat a toad, look for the juiciest!”

I’ve really been enjoying the unfolding drama between Bishop Wanjiru and her alleged ex-hubby James Kamangu. Waaaah! Now if I thought Bishop Bafana looks suspect, Kamangu looks like a proper thug! Wrong number. He looks like he can unleash a one man mob on your ass with the slightest provocation. One of his hobbies must be attending public lynchings in Gachie area, just to add a few kicks here and there. Have you seen his expression, tena when he has his face slightly lowered? Even bila eyebrows, bado anatisha!

I’m trying to imagine a chance encounter between Kamangu, Wanjiru and Bishop “Suspicious” Matjeke:

Scene: Bishop Wanjiru’s residence. One fine Saturday afternoon. She’s watching a re-run of her weekly show the previous Sunday, and giggling as she sees how she abused Kamangu. “He can get a rope, hang himself, then we shall do the funeral” she repeats word for word. “Suspicious” Matjeke is taking a nap on the adjacent sofa. Sweet dreams….Wanjiru yu mfukoni, dude has seen the safe and confirmed that he’s hit the jackpot proper. Ahh…no worries for him. But alas!

(Loud thumping at the door): WAJIRO!! WAAAJIRO!! FUGUA HAPA HARAKA!!

Wanjiru: (spilling coffee on self as she jolts at the shock of hearing THAT familiar voice) WOI NJISAS!!! How the…….(Getting up hurriedly) MATJEKEE!!

Suspicious Matjeke: (Dazed out of his mind, leaps into attention, complete with salute) Yebo Afande!! (Probably was reminiscing about the dark old days at Pollsmoor Prison)

Wanjiru: Wuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiii hako Kamangu kamekuja!!

Suspicious Matjeke: (Quickly leaps behind nearest sofa, scared out of his mind)

Wanjiru: (Surprised) What the hell are you doing?

Suspicious Matjeke: But Maggie…I’m scared! What if he hits me?

Wanjiru: Did I marry a Zulu warrior or a hwizo {weasel} Get out of there and do something! Braddy coward!

Kamangu: (still banging door) Unadhani utaederea kunishafuashafua tu freestairo (freestyle) kwa gazeti? Fugua hapa unitukane ukiniona! Nionyeshe hizo jiggers unasema ati niko nazo! Reo nitakutwanga mpaka utaimbaimba kama kinanda!

Wanjiru: (Petrified) My dear Jesus….. Matjeke can you do something!!

Suspicious Matjeke: (Still cowering in fear, trembling visibly) but Maggie………

Wanjiru: Don’t you Maggie me! Kuja hapa!! (grabs Matjeke by the collar and drags him in direction of the door) Can you stop behaving like a kihii!

Suspicious Matjeke: Afande vhane usinihandeeeeeeeeeeeeee!*

(Fill in for yourselves what happened next)

OK back to the topic, I find the author’s insinuation about Kenyan men a bit …er……interesting

Wanjurah says:

“The flip side of the Bishop Bafana Bafana love is an indictment of our men. They don’t seem to possess adequate mettle to snare good girls. Alternatively, they are so generous that, in practical Pan-Africanism, they are willing to release their Wanjirus to foreigners.”

(S)he adds:

“How a nation’s man allow foreigners to snatch prized daughters without demur speaks volumes about their chivalry. Serious men strive to own their women – at least the best girls and never mind by which measure. If a community marries off to foreign lands all its good maidens, it is probably more out of social malaise and courtship limitations than hospitality and love for integration.”

What do you guys think we as Kenyan men should deduce from this? That we are inadequate? That we’re not being protective enough of our women? Na huyu Bishop “Suspicious” Bafana achukue mali yetu ama akwende?

*K-South -Mr Policeman.This track is sooo hilarious!

A.O.B

Those who were demanding for the report on the meet up with Kenyanchick, y’all were too slow with the bribes!! What happened? Let’s just say that KC came through with a very handsome bribe to keep my mouth shut about the night out. So that report has been BENCHED indefinitely! Poleni sana. You snooze, you lose.


Archer is back! Today I open up my account for the new year after a brief but fully deserved hiatus due to a serious case of December hangovers and a bout of Blogger’s Block! The mojo is back and the festive season hangovers are history. So now you all know where to tune in for your regular dosage of 5 bob opinions and other crap!

I never make new year’s resolutions coz I rarely ever keep them. Last year it was a vow of chastity that lasted er……ten months! Enyewe hapo I tried, clap for me jameni!10 months without sex? Jeez! I find it very interesting that me and my youthful abundance of nyegez can abstain from sex for 10 months but can’t keep away from a cigarette for more than 48 hours? Ok lemme quit the oversharing.

This year I’ve made a few resolutions which I believe will make me a better person if I fully focus on achieving them. There’s so much that I want to accomplish this year. Anyway, my resolutions are as follows

1. To read more. A lot more.

Refer to this post.

2. To quit being a lazy blogger.

Towards the end of last year I became increasingly lazy when it came to replying to comments on my blog as well as posting comments on other blogs that I read regularly. I’d just read stuff and move on. Well, this year I intend to interact more with my blogger pals and to make new ones along the way.

3. To shed excess baggage

This year I will have no time for so called friends who are only by my side when times are good. You only realize how many true friends you have when shit hits the fan and guys are not there to help you out, or they just ignore you. For example, I’ve been very broke the last few weeks, and in addition I’ve been carless. That means that I’ve had to make very random plans while going out, hoping that somehow things work out during the night. I’m pissed off coz some of the friends that I’d do anything for, the ones who used to call me in the middle of the night claiming to be stranded somewhere and I’d go out in my pajamas to bail them out, never ever come through for my ass. Well, fuck you! This year I’ll have no time for your likes. You can all faggoff!!

4. To be completely financially independent

The main problem with living under your parents’ roof is that you have to rely on them for everything, something that I absolutely hate coz they use that to control you as well as to bribe you to do certain things. I aim to be financially independent by the end of this year. It’s time to put those ideas into action. I have a bit of capital stashed away somewhere and if I invest wisely, I could do plenty of things with it. Some of my pals have been busy dabbling in this and that and they’ve made a lot of money for themselves. Last night at the pub I was with three of them, sharing ideas and getting advice on how to start off. I’m particularly impressed with one of them, a dude who’s 19 going on 20, and he made so much money last year from investing here and there. He claims to have made slightly less than a million bob from the Kengen IPO alone, mpaka the dude bought himself a Mitsubishi Galant just a couple of weeks ago! Dude is 19!!! If I jipanga vizuri, I could be worth half a million shillings by the end of the year. Sounds rather ambitious but that’s the target that I’ve set for myself. Even if I don’t quite make it to there, at least I’ll have learnt something along the way.

5. To live life differently and to enjoy myself to the limit!

This year I want to do stuff that I haven’t done before, or basically stuff that I’ve procrastinated about for too long. This maneno of chilling the whole week then ending up at bloody Crooked Qs with the same old crowd has got too change. Thanks to Kenyanchick I’ve now been to three different joints that I’d never have thought of going to. And I’ve got to try out stuff like bungee jumping, encouraging domestic tourism e.g out of town plans with a select few friends (Ole Polos, anyone?)

6. Women

Women can sometimes be a pain in the diab therefore I’m staying single until further notice. And I’m going to enjoy it immensely.

Ok that’s that. Archer’s resolutions.

Now to tech-talk.Finally the dudes over at Opera answered my prayers and released Opera Mini V3.0 which now allows me to comment on Blogger Beta blogs after a few months of being left out of the action. But what about WordPress? You idiots forgot about WordPress! For some reason I can only comment on my tester WordPress blog but not on any other WordPress blog. So now do I have to wait for V4.0? I’m very very basic in my needs, just allow me to comment on WordPress and I’ll be happy!

But all the same, I highly recommend Opera Mini to anyone who has a cellphone that can support it. In fact it works on almost every make of cellphone, (well except if you have Kenyanchick’s brand new Nokia N105- the world’s first 10 megapixel camera phone)

It is the best mobile internet browsing application available and it’s very easy to use, while being extremely cheap at the same time. All you have to do is activate your WAP & GPRS settings, which on Safaricom can be done by sending an sms with “DATA” to 4777. A series of configuration texts will be sent to you. Open and save them all, the configuration password will be either 1234 or 0000. For Celtel, hapo sina habari. Call customer care. Then, using your web browser, go to http://www.mini.opera.com and follow the download instructions and voila! You’re sorted!

I’ve been playing Football Manager 2005 on my PC, right now I’m in the 2008/2009 season with Chelsea FC. Well, this season has been pretty tough with my team languishing below the top 5 in the Premier League and not faring any better in Champions League. I’m on the verge of being sacked as manager but this is where the problem comes in. If I lose my next match against Lazio in Champions League, I won’t qualify for the knock-out stage and I’m definitely being sacked. Me thinks the outcome of certain matches is predetermined coz no matter how many times I change my team’s starting line-up, formation or strategy, I always lose to Lazio! Every single time! I’ve played this match kedo 14 times and each time I lose 6:1 or somewhere along that line! How now? Hapa ninafutwa job roho safi. And why is it that just before a big match somehow all my key players receive long term injuries? That shit pisses me off!

It’s the same thing that I’ve noticed with FIFA 2007 on PlayStation 2. There are some players who, no matter how hard you try to stop them, you just can’t! I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but for example if you’re playing against Barcelona and Lionel Messi is approaching your penalty area, it doesn’t matter if you select all the defensive strategy options available or if you have the world’s best defenders in your team, they all slide in the wrong direction allowing Messi to run along the by line and score! And there’s absolutely nothing that you can do about it! Try it for yourself and let me know if I’m right.

Another thing is that there are some players who, if they’re positioned just outside the 18 yard box, they WILL score. Try shooting with Wayne Rooney from anywhere along the 18 yard line and chances are that you’ll score. Ok I know that every player is ranked according to skill and that Messi and Rooney are at the top of their skill ratings, but it’s totally unrealistic that there’s absolutely nothing that you can do to prevent them from scoring.

Try it out and tell me what you think.

A.O.B

I found out, after getting sacked, that you can simply start the game as a new user and apply for a job at the club you just got fired from. I also found out that the reason why my team was nashing is coz my #1 keeper Petr Cech had requested to be transfer listed but I refused to grant that request, so the fool decided to stand in goal and allow every shot to go in. So I sacked him and also got a few new players. I believe I’ve discovered a super-team combination with these players coz I’ve just won the Premier Division, FA Cup, League Cup, Charity Shield and European Champions Cup with this team:

GK: Tim Howard, Victor Valdes, Carlo Cudicini

DEF: Gael Givet, William Gallas, John Terry, Ricardo Carvalho, Philipp Lahm, Asier del Horno, Luciano Zauri

DM: Esteban Cambiasso, Geremi

Wingers: Clemens Fritz, Cristiano Ronaldo, Damien Duff, Javier Araujo

AM: Frank Lampard, Ronaldinho, Wesley Sneijder

STR: Fernando Torres, Mateja Kezman, Jermaine Defoe.

If anyone else is as much of a Football Manager fanatic as I am, please, share your super-team.

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