December 2006


First things first, blogger just dished up my post twice! So I had to
re-send via Gmail!

I missed the KBW meet up on 23rd Dec! I only found out about it much
later on Aegeus blog! Well, that's too bad coz it'd have been great to
meet and hang out with all you guys. Hope y'all had a blast. Anyone
care to fill in the rest of us on what went down?

Nairobi is ok I guess. Haven't ventured out much coz some silly
Nairobian bashed my poor Helen so she's been admitted to the jikoni
until further notice! And I feel so helpless trying to get around
without my car. I guess I'll have to get used to using the Mercedes
J-Class now. (J-Class = Javelin = Jav = Matatu. Get it?? Good!)

Coming up soon: detailed report on the night out with Kenyanchick!! Stay tuned.

Oh…happy festive season to all.

This is Archer coming to you LIVE from O. R. Tambo International Airport (formerly Johannesburg International) about to board a Kenya Airways Boeing 737 flight 461 to Nairobi.

I can’t believe that I’ll be on home soil in just over four hours! The way I’ve waited desperately to leave this fucked up joint aki it’s not even funny! Anyway it’s all over now. Yaaaay!

I’ve already spoken to the Captain and he’s assured me that its full speed ahead. Hii mambo ya cruising along leisurely sitaki! It shall not be tolerated at all!

So if anyone sees some lunatic on KTN news this evening, clad in a Harambee Stars jersey, jumping up and down at JKIA and kissing the ground repeatedly, that would most definitely be me! Best believe! So make sure y’all record that shyte!

Ok who’s throwing pints at Kwaheri Bar? Kenyanchick? Kipepeo? I’m open to any offers!

Isukuti dancers je? Aegeus & Ichiena niaje? Si you organize that welcoming committee? Wacha kuangalia kando! Ati “who….me?” YES…YOU! And there’s still time so better get cracking! LOL!!

Stackofstiffys I wasn’t going to leave you out dadii! You bring your dark shades, look very stonefaced and intimidating just to keep the press at bay! But if its Julie Gichuru… that one just let her through chap chap!

NA HAPA SIRUDI TENA! As the good professor of mathematics George Saitoti would say “Kabisa kabisa kabisa!!”

Ok so everyone’s talking about Casino Royale and writing up reviews, so I’m not about to bore anyone with yet another amateur review, when there’s the likes of Movie Buff a.k.a “Wikipedia” & Couch ‘tato to get a better review from. So I’ll be brief, concise and to the point. (difference?) 

What I like 

1. A more realistic story, not about some deranged sadist trying to take over the world using some fancy secret weapon. 

2. The usual twists in the tale concerning betrayal by Bond’s closest allies. 

3. Daniel Craig: his acting was on point. Which makes me wonder what the hullabaloo about a blonde James Bond was all about. OK well he’s not the suave woman magnet that Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan were, but for the sake of the new direction that the 007 movie has taken, I could say he’s ok. Finally a 007 who can hold his own in a fight! I admire his blunt personality “Do I look like I give a damn?” 

4. Judi Dench as M: I can’t picture any other actress in the world playing the role of M. She carries it quite well. Favourite line “utter another syllable and I’ll have you killed!” 

5. Solange!!! Need I say more?  

 

What I didn’t like 

1. Too much CGI, especially in the scene where 007 was chasing the bomb guy through the construction site. I mean, the fakeness was too much yawa! 

2. What a waste of an Aston Martin!! Not even a decent chase through some narrow streets or something? Just a two minute chase down a curvy road then that’s it? Kuwa serious! 

3. What is a 007 movie without the death defying stunts that leave one riveted to his seat? I was disappointed by the lack of action. 

4. 007 falling in love? Aw come on! 

5. What a crappy theme song!  

6. M showing a hint of emotion? Alaa? 

7. The torture scene. THE BLOODY TORTURE SCENE!! I can talk for ages about this scene alone! In fact, I will! 

The torture scene! 

When I saw Le Chiffre rip through the seat with a knife, I thought “sasa unataka Bond aketi wapi?” little did I know what was to follow! That sh*t was painful! PAINFUL I TELL YOU! If you have a pair of “maguados” between your legs then you definitely know what I’m talking about. That shit was not a joke and it annoys me that some people take it out to be just that!  

Picture this: right leg crossed tightly over left leg, right hand forming protective cover over “unmentionables” (Milo 2006) in a manner reminiscent of hapless defenders forming a wall to block a ndole from that lunatic Roberto Carlos, left hand covering eyes leaving only a tiny slit to peer through, and a hint of a watery eyes accompanied by an audible “YEEEOOOOUCH” every time Le Chiffre swung his rope at Bond’s….eh….um… those ones (in unison with many of the dudes in the cinema!). The random chic seated to my right was so amused by my contortionist maneuvers that she lent me a comforting hand and whispered “it’ll be ok” I almost ropokad “B*tch how the f*** is it going to be ok?” 

Later on I recalled reading a certain review of Casino Royale written from a “feminist” perspective, in particular the perception/role of women in the movie. This is nothing personal, but I can’t help wondering how someone would go out to watch the movie and only see things from this one sided point of view. Are you serious? Rather, are you for real? This is a very dangerous way of thinking! I’d call it fishing for an agenda while missing out on other more obvious aspects.  

For example, I can say the movie is racist coz the black guy in the Casino is big fat and dense and has no sense of dress whatsoever, and was among the first to lose. Or that why is it that one white man (Bond) can beat up a bunch of black men thus making them look like absolute fools. That’s not a realistic way of thinking about it. It makes one miss out on the gist of the movie. Ok so the black kids on the beach were running after a white woman on a horse. Would you rather that they be playing with their PSPs (PlayStation Portable) or something of the sort? It’s just a thing that kids do! Let them run after the horse. Probably they were hoping to get a ride on it or something. It’s totally un-necessary to over analyse such things coz believe me the human mind can conjure up anything it desires to. You only see what your eyes want to see. 

Back to brother James and his guados. That sh8t was seriously traumatizing! This is not a laughing matter my friends, it is not. So compose thyself. Imagine what was going through my mind after I went to the little boys room shortly after the movie and in the middle of things, the dude standing next to me at the urinal starts swinging with his lanyard with a big bunch of keys attached to the end.  

Imagine the millions of men around the world who not only have to worry about sore bollocks for one night, but the fact that that one torture scene has given their wives ideas?  

Think about it this way. After the whole Bobbitt affair, millions of men lived in daily fear of their wives chopping off their artillery as they slept. I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbers of male psychiatric patients rose soon after that. My point is, misandry is slowly creeping into our society, it’s been expressed in film for decades, and no one’s seeing it. Open your eyes and look around you. Yeah I know it’s just a movie, but my point is that we’re living in a time where male bashing is increasing by the day.  

The mere fact that guys don’t really speak out about it doesn’t mean we’re not affected by it. Would there be any difference if, for example, Solange was tortured by having her nipples chopped off with a sharp sword off, or having them attached to a high voltage source with a pair of pliers? Definitely we’d never hear the end of it! The press, the feminists, especially those of the keyboard variety would have a field day! But it’s ok for guys to have their balls knocked around in every other movie? I hope I’m making some sense here?  

So who’s there to speak out for us poor men?  

 

 

Just decided to share a few pictures that I’ve taken during the last one year. Blogger is acting up so I couldn’t put them in the order that I’d intended, but hope you enjoy them none the less.

That’s my little spot in the sun, “my bench” where I come to sit and think. Best done with a couple of gafs, a coke and an MP3 player.

My bowling shoes. THose are size 13.5, that’s why they look so funny. Not to mention the colour of course.

At least you’re a world champion!

The infamous staircase where I assumed flight a few months ago. The brutes threw me from the top, picked me up and threw me down the second flight. I’m ok though, so no sympathy comments tafadhali. That’s a chapter closed but not forgotten.

I wonder what’s next, Sembe Avenue?

A free beer + a plate of mutura & soup goes to whoever can correctly guess which establishment in Nairobi owns this here sign.

Ass pies? Cheese burger pies?

No comment

My former housemate’s pyjamas.


It was on CNN this morning. Did you see it?

I wonder if this dude got any calls.

Sometimes honesty isn’t such a good idea

Woe unto you if you’re sandwiched between two fat women. It’s happened to me before!

I wonder which idiot this was meant for

I pay my fare, you drive your taxi, you shut the fuck up.

This kid crept up on me at the supermarket. I wonder what his mother looks like!

Really? Njoo tuendeshane off-road ndio tujue!

Really? This much? Wow, you don’t have top shout about it.

Ok so everyone’s talking about Casino Royale and writing up reviews, so I’m not about to bore y’all with yet another amateur review, when there’s the likes of Movie Buff a.k.a “Wikipedia” & Couch ‘tato to get a better review from. So I’ll be short, brief, concise and to the point. (difference?)

What I like

1. A more realistic story, not about some deranged sadist trying to take over the world using some fancy secret weapon.

2. The usual twists in the tale concerning betrayal by Bond’s closest allies.

3. Daniel Craig: me thinks his acting was on point. Which makes me wonder what the hullabaloo about a blonde James Bond was all about. OK well he’s not the suave woman magnet that Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan were, but for the sake of the new direction that the 007 movie has taken, I could say he’s ok. Finally a 007 who can hold his own in a fight! I admire his blunt personality “Do I look like I give a damn?”

4. Judi Dench as M: I can’t picture any other actress in the world playing the role of M. She carries it quite well. Favourite line “utter another syllable and I’ll have you killed!”

5. Solange!!! Need I say more?

What I didn’t like

1. Too much CGI, especially in the scene where 007 was chasing the bomb guy through the construction site. I mean, the fakeness was too much yawa!

2. What a waste of an Aston Martin!! Not even a decent chase through some narrow streets or something? Just a two minute chase down a curvy road then that’s it? Kuwa serious!

3. What is a 007 movie without the death defying stunts that leave one riveted to his seat? I was disappointed by the lack of action.

4. 007 falling in love? Aw come on!

5. What a crappy theme song!

6. M showing a hint of emotion? Alaa?

7. The torture scene. THE BLOODY TORTURE SCENE!! I can talk for ages about this scene alone! In fact, I will!

The torture scene!

When I saw Le Chiffre rip through the seat with a knife, I thought “sasa unataka Bond aketi wapi?” little did I know what was to follow! That sh*t was painful! PAINFUL I TELL YOU! If you have a pair of “maguados” between your legs then you definitely know what I’m talking about. That shit was not a joke and it annoys me that some people take it out to be just that!

Picture this: right leg crossed tightly over left leg, right hand forming protective cover over “unmentionables” (Milo 2006) in a manner reminiscent of hapless defenders forming a wall to block a ndole from that lunatic Roberto Carlos, left hand covering eyes leaving only a tiny slit to peer through, and a hint of a watery eyes accompanied by an audible “YEEEOOOOUCH” every time Le Chiffre swung his rope at Bond’s….eh….um… those ones (in unison with many of the dudes in the cinema!). The random chic seated to my right was so amused by my contortionist maneuvers that she lent me a comforting hand and whispered “it’ll be ok” I almost ropokad “Woman how the f*** is it going to be ok?”

Later on I recalled reading a certain review of Casino Royale written from a “feminist” perspective, in particular the perception/role of women in the movie. This is nothing personal, but I can’t help wondering how someone would go out to watch the movie and only see things from this one sided point of view. Are you serious? Rather, are you for real? This is a very dangerous way of thinking! I’d call it fishing for an agenda while missing out on other more obvious aspects.
For example, I can say the movie is racist coz the black guy in the Casino is big fat and dense and has no sense of dress whatsoever, and he was among the first to lose the game. Or why is it that one white man (Bond) can beat up a bunch of black men thus making them look like absolute fools. That’s not a realistic way of thinking about it. It makes one miss out on the gist of the movie. Ok so the black kids on the beach were running after a white woman on a horse. Would you rather that they be playing with their PSPs (PlayStation Portable) or something of the sort? It’s just a thing that kids do! Let them run after the horse. Probably they were hoping to get a ride on it or something. It’s totally un-necessary to over analyse such things coz believe me the human mind can conjure up anything it desires to. You only see what your eyes want to see.

Back to brother James and his guados. That sh8t was seriously traumatizing! This is not a laughing matter my friends, it is not. So compose thyself. Imagine what was going through my mind after I went to the little boys room shortly after the movie and in the middle of things, the dude standing next to me at the urinal starts swinging with his lanyard with a big bunch of keys attached to the end.

Imagine the millions of men around the world who not only have to worry about sore bollocks for one night, but the fact that that one torture scene has given their wives ideas?

Think about it this way. After the whole Bobbitt affair, millions of men lived in daily fear of their wives chopping off their artillery as they slept. I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbers of male psychiatric patients rose soon after that. My point is, misandry is slowly creeping into our society, it’s been expressed in film for decades, and no one’s seeing it. Open your eyes and look around you. Yeah I know it’s just a movie, but my point is that we’re living in a time where male bashing is increasing by the day.

The mere fact that guys don’t really speak out about it doesn’t mean we’re not affected by it. Would there be any difference if, for example, Solange was tortured by having her nipples chopped off with a sharp sword, or having them attached to a high voltage power source with a pair of pliers? Definitely we’d never hear the end of it! The press, the feminists, especially those of the keyboard variety would have a field day! But it’s ok for guys to have their balls knocked around in every other movie? I hope I’m making some sense here?

So who’s there to speak out for us poor men?

A.O.B

There are malicious rumours doing the rounds in my comments page that EABL has stopped the production of Pilsner Ice. Can someone please run to the nearest pub and confirm if it’s true? I’m serious!

Finally I’m leaving for Kenya within the next few days and I’m beyond ecstatic coz I really hate this place. I’ve had too many nasty experiences in my three years here to have any feelings left for SA. I just want to leave now! Chances are that I won’t be back next year but who knows. I’ve already made alternative plans for my future and hopefully if things go according to plan, then I won’t have to set foot in this shithole ever again. But these plans are subject to approval by the powers that be, so if the cow refuses, I just might find my ass back here next year.

The worst thing about leaving the country for masomo and going back home is that you find that the guys you used to hang out with haven’t changed a bit. You’ve gone through some experiences that have shaped the way you think, you’ve matured in many ways, then you find your pals still doing the same old thing.

For example, a few of the guys I live close to are bums. I’m not hating. It’s the truth. Guys have been hanging at jobless corner for the last few years doing nothing of significance, just counting cars that pass by and commenting that “hiyo ni gari yangu!” Reply: “Ah kwenda! Si ulisema hiyo Prado ilipita saa hizi ndio yako? Hii ni yangu!”

One of my pals has been “flying out” to the States since before I moved into the hood. He’s just never quite made it to the airport. In 2003 I was killing time at one of those accounting colleges and the dude was flying out. I came to SA in 2004 and went back and he was still flying out “next week”. Ati his Visa was still being processed. 2005 I came back to SA, went home in November and this time the story was “I’ve just got my Visa, now I’m waiting for my ticket.” I wonder what the story will be this time round. He’s waiting for a lift to the airport? If that’s the case, I’ll gladly drive him to JKIA even if it’s at midnight! Come on, you can only chase a shadow for so long before you realize that it’s not going to work out! Why can’t he have done something more useful with his life as he waited for his “flying out” plans to materialize? It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you’re doing something useful with your life, ama?

Another thing is that at my age (not that I’m a mzee or anything) I’m tired of crowded noisy raves where you mingle with underage girls half your age dressed in nothing more than a belt, getting high on one Tusker Malt and dancing on table tops like strippers on weed. I’m talking about Crooked Qs.




I’ve been going to Qs since I was like 14, and somehow I still find myself still doing the same old thing almost ten years later! See while I have outgrown that type of stuff, my pals still insist on noisy hanyes, just so they can try their luck on shagging these young’ns.

I’ve come to realize that I only need 5 things to have a blast on a Friday or Saturday night

1. My mama, my boys, ok lets just say a good mature chilled out crowd who you can have an intellectual conversation with.
2. A pool table bila crazy drifts and my custom made cue stick.
3. Good music, doesn’t necessarily have to be at the loudest volume possible.
4. Pints, of course!
5. Some nyakez wouldn’t be bad.

That’s it! And you can do this anywhere. In your house, in your backyard or even at (my favourite) a dingy pub somewhere!

At the point where you realize that you’ve changed and you can no longer fit in with your crowd, you start to back off and try to associate with people who think along your wavelength, in this case probably it’s some of my pals I’m studying with in SA. But your boys go like “now just coz you flew out you think you’re better off than us? Fuck off!” That’s not the case my friends. Our lives just took a separate turn somewhere along the line till we don’t automatically have the same interests just coz we’re pals.

Ok, what am I really looking forward to in Nairobi?

1. Pilsner Ice baridi!

2. Kenchic bhajia na kebabs, tena from the Kenchic up Moi Avenue, on the side opposite Nairobi stalls, but keep going up till the end. You know it? Yeah that one. In fact if you ask for me around lunch time on most weekdays, they’ll tell you to have a Coke on credit as you wait.
3. Julie Gichuru reading the 9 o’clock news! (Which channel is she on these days?)
4. Dingy pubs like the one above, Njugunas, police canteens. The drama that unfolds in such joints is hilarious, and so are some of the characters you come across
5. Kenyan music. Boy I’m so behind!
6. The feeling of being around my people than being treated like an outcast “kwerekwere”
7. Capital FM…but from what I hear it’s really become shit these days. True?

What I’m NOT looking forward to

Sacrificing my freedom in SA and going back to my parents’ house.

What I’ll miss about South Africa

1. Cheap liquor.
2. The convenience of life here e.g using my debit card everywhere so I usually don’t have to carry large amounts of cash with me, being able to walk to the hanye or to the garage (petrol station) at 3am to buy stuff.
3. KFC chicken.
4. All the friends I made from all over Africa and Europe.

What I’ll definitely not miss

These fucking AFRIKANERS!!

Thought of the day (leo hakuna A.O.B)

“I am a man of strict and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.”

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