The Honour Board (aka The Dean’s List)

Back in South Africa, my housemates and I had what we called the Honour Board, which was a foolscap stuck onto the fridge, and we’d write down shrubs, oxymorons, dumb ass quotes and any other nonsense that came out of anyone’s mouth while in the confines of our flat. We had some very interesting conversations. A few months ago, I started another Honour Board on my kitchen wall, complete with a G.P.A-like grading system otherwise known as the U.P.A. (Ujinga Point Average) where individuals who attain a U.P.A. of 5.0 receive a lifetime pass.

Seeing as I’ve got nothing to post today I’ve decided to share the contents of this Honour Board. I shall not incriminate myself though, but I do feature somewhere in here. Some of these shrubs are too classic!

1. I blindfolded my eyes! (as opposed to what, your ears?)
2. **Angry at a man pissing on the side of the road** Look! He’s littering with himself!
3. M3P Player   (MP3 player)
4. Samba Mboy   (Shamba boy)
5. Appi hending   (happy ending)
6. How much is the spinach for 20 bob?
7. Is 21 hours 9 o’clock?
8. Why did the chicken cross the road? It wasn’t EGG-zactly sure!
9. You’ll be videocameraring
10. I’ve gone to buy some kaundey (kunde)
11. If Karoocy was my wife, haki I’d chain her to a tree!
12. Flying Skulod (Flying Squad)
13. Pris bling the drinks!
14. You’re just rarring there (???)
15. Do you know who’s in my class with me? (as opposed to?)
16. KRA ya UG (Uganda Revenue Authority?)
17. Ketchup makes gold sssssssine! (shine)
18. You don’t have a foice! (voice)
19. Dairy Flesh (Dairy Fresh)
20. The same jicks (chics)
21. I expreksed it! (Expressed)
22. Come I show you my secret prace! (secret place)
23. Perverted perverts (OK I admit, I said this)
24. Haerashes (eye lashes)
25. Even kraibing (climbing)
26. Massachuchets (Massachussetts)
27. Parrarrero (Parallel)
28. Falamingos (Flamingos)
29. Stop taking my context out of concept!
30. I pikad safely (fikad)
31. You are a stoler who is thiefing things! (thief who is stealing things?)
32. What is that, cererac? (Cerelac)
33. I don’t like reaving him arone in my house
34. Why were you not piliking my calls jana?
35. Cockroshes (cockroaches)

And some dumb ass conversations…

J: When you chew handas, you don’t feel like a goat?

M: kwani when you drink, you feel like a fish?

J: I don’t drink

M: Ok, when you smoke, do you feel like a train?

——————————————————————————-

Q: Tell me a chic who has chapad like that?

A: a CHAPA-nese!

——————————————————————————–

**staring at a chic walking by just outside our flat**

Y: Now that’s what I call a nice ass. It’s very 3D

R: It’s 3D in a 2D kind of way. (how now?)

———————————————————————————

…and my personal favourite

J: Weeeeeh! Unanifanya nijipanue!

A: Kwani what do you have that I’ve never seen before?

M: Panty mpya!

Some people are special. Really.

What’s on my Playlist?

Playing Possum – Maxwell

 

More Kenyan Peculiarities

I’m sure that several posts have been written about mannerisms and behaviours that are typically Kenyan. Safaricom GM Michael Joseph hit the nail on the head when he talked of our peculiar calling habits, but it made us sit up and reflect on our other peculiar habits. I’m not talking about the regular ones. We all know them. Here are a few others that piss me off to no end.

 

1. Giving advice/recommendations AFTER shit has already hit the fan.

Kenyans are experts in armchair commentary and analysis. We love to analyze situations after they have already occurred, yet you wonder where these same people were before shit actually hit the fan.

For example, have you ever been in a situation where you need to purchase a certain commodity or service, but can’t find a single person who can recommend where or how to get it? Ask anyone where to buy a certain product or service and they’ll tell you that they don’t know. You decide to go with the options that you have.

Later, after you’ve purchased your stuff, the same hindiots come to you and say

“Aaaaah, kwanza you should have gone to…/ you should have done it like this…”

You are stupid.

 

 

2. Not answering questions as they were asked

Two years ago I wrote this post about Kenyans who force you to buy stuff that you don’t need, with the aim of making a quick buck. I am a very fussy person and I’m very particular about stuff, so I tend to get very pissed off when some of these things happen:

I’ve made some nyakes/chicken & veggies and I dash to the food kiosk nearby to buy chapos

Q: Uko na chapati?

A: Hapana, tuko na samosa tu na githeri <— How now?

 

I’m looking for an article from a previous day’s newspaper.

Q: Mko na Nation ya jana?

A: Hapana, lakini tuko na Standard” <— How now?

 

I’ve walked around looking for this season’s Chelsea FC kits.

Q: Mko na Chelsea away kit ya white ama 3^rd kit ya blue and black?

A: Hapana, lakini tuko na Real Madrid kwanza ya Ronaldo. Si uchukue hii?”

 

I’m looking for particular earphones/speakers for my hi-Fi/ MP3 player, so I go to the shop and ask “Do you have Logitech speakers/Sony noise blocking earphones?”

A: “We have Illogictic (I shit you not, apparently it exists) speakers…” or some low quality Chinese shit which they not only claim is as good as the original one, they will actually try to convince you that it’s better!

 

Q: I’m looking for a Nokia N73, do you have it in stock?”

A: We only have Samsung/Motorola (or some tu-Chinese twin-sim aka Semenya) and it’s better. I’ll give you discount!

 

How the fuck are you helping me? Seriously! The polite thing to do is to say that you do not have what the customer is looking for, then wait for them to ask about substitutes before offering yours! Why can’t some people understand that the customer wants a SPECIFIC product and not just any other?

Because they are stupid.

 

 

3. Making ridiculous, unsubstanciated and often stupid assumptions

I was out of town for a few days attending a conference, then I fell sick upon my return. A few people, when told that I wasn’t feeling too well and perhaps I caught a bug, said “maybe it was those women you screwed, maybe it’s herpes” etc. So, what drives one to think that I’m the guinea pig doofus who carries out the twisted shit that they concoct in their minds?

Kenyans love to make up stories and theories about shit that doesn’t exist. Take for example the fact that I have lots of friends, and most of them are female. So whether I’m in uni or elsewhere, more often than not, I’m probably hanging out with a female pal. On my campus, if you’re spotted walking with the same chic more than three times, then it somehow becomes official that the two of you are screwing, having a thing/fling/CFA/SBJ/in a relationship. So the next time you’re spotted walking with a different chic, you’re called a playa!

 

Wasn’t he d*nya-ing so-and-so last week? That guy is such a dog!

 

Why is it that people only notice it when you hang out with a chic (if you’re a dude) or if you’re a chic hanging out with a dude? How comes no one takes notice when I hang out with my male friends?

The case is different for chics coz if two or more chics are close and hang out often, then some hindiot will assume that they’re lesbians and before long, it becomes an urban myth!

I’m a member of AIESEC, whose members are known for hard work and hard partying. But obviously the latter is within reasonable and responsible limits. The other day a pal of mine told me about an acronym for AIESEC (I’d never heard it before) which implies that all we do is drink ourselves to a stupor and engage in reckless sex. I laughed it off, and wrote it on my Facebook status update. I was merely being cynical, coz it’s interesting how people who know jack shit about this organization make up stuff that satisfies their opinion of what it really is. The replies to my status update were

 

It’s true. From what I’ve heard…/yeah I’ve also heard the same thing/It’s true coz my pal told me

 

You know what? You are stupid!

 

 

4. Putting words in your mouth, then having the audacity to get pissed off

How many times have you been involved in a debate, or an argument with someone, and they hit you with

 

So are you saying that…/Are you implying that…/Yaani umeniita mjinga?

 

Best believe that if I wanted to say something, I wouldn’t beat about the bush. I would say it. I find it very irritating when those words above somehow find their way into the dialogue, and the person gets pissed off as a result of something that you did not say in the first place!

Is that stupid or what?

 

 

5. We believe everything else but the truth

Why is it that whenever there’s a certain situation going on, people are more likely to believe the word on the street rather than ask the person(s) concerned for the real story? Is it because the gossip is juicier than the truth? Do we love scandal that much? Is it because some of us are idle and stupid?

 

 

What’s on my Playlist?

Too Late now – Valerie Kimani

 

 

 

Just A Band – “82″

Just a Band 82

So you know where I’ll be this Saturday. Album review coming up as soon as Blinky Bill hooks me up with a complimentary copy!

What’s on my Playlist?

Usinibore! – Just A Band

 

Tusker Project Fame 3 grand finale

I think many readers will agree with me that TPF 3 has largely been a success, as compared to TPF2, which was little more than a joke. We’ve been glued to the TV ever since the hilarious auditions. I think that was a great way to hype up the show. We’ve seen a better pool of singers this time round, and it’s generally been far better organized and a lot more professional. Kudos to the organizers for pulling up their socks. It all comes to an end tonight, with the winner walking away with Ksh 5 million.

The Pros

1. I liked the theme nights, costumes and décor for the hosts and contestants
2. The live bands, Kidum and his band, and the jazz maestro Aaron Rimbui were excellent!
3. Judge Ian Mbugua doing what he does best, being himself.

The Cons

1. MICH!! Seriously, who the hell picked this doofus to host the show? He is TERRIBLE on so many levels!! Mich tries hard to feign humour, which clearly he doesn’t possess. There is zero chemistry between him and his co-host Sheila Mwanyigha and this ends up watering down her efforts to be professional. The beef that he tried to create with Judge Ian was laughable, and in a battle of wits, let’s just say that he didn’t arrive at the battle with enough firepower to even faze Ian Mbugua. The beef that was there between Gaetano and Ian in TPF1 had us transfixed. EABL, tafadhali yaani pris, DO NOT HAVE THIS MAN IN TPF4!
2. Whoever was in charge of Sheila Mwanyigha’s make up and costumes seriously has something against her. Sheila is a beautiful woman, but has been made to look like a clown with some utterly laughable hairdos, from a pet dog on her head, to Morticia from The Addam’s family, to a peacock to sijui what else. Sheila, find that person, and call me to help you beat him/her up coz enyewe, that was malice ad infinitum.

For those of you on Twitter, I’m sure you’ve been closely observing what has come to be known as #ChukiFM, where a bunch of tweepo (people on Twitter…get with the flow!) critique (and in some cases, massacre) the contestants, hosts and judges on their attire and performances. There have also been some level headed analysis on the better part. (Also check out #TPF3)

Let me do an individual assessment of all the contestants.

1. Caroline (Uganda)

Caroline

Carol is a talented performer. She has a great voice and bewitching charm and knows how to work the audience using her best ASSets. Banange!! However , the comely lady from Uganda has faltered over the past two or so weeks after putting out several strong performances since the beginning of the show. In terms of musical talent, she does not have what it takes to win TPF3, but she has immense potential to be a successful recording artiste, and I foresee a bright future for her.

2. Ng’ang’a-lito

Super-lito

Ng’ang’a has been TPF3’s version of Hemedi from TPF2. That less talented performer who, due to his loyal female fans, didn’t leave the competition as early as he should have. In all honesty though, despite many horrendous performances, Ng’ang’a-lito has produced a few sterling performances that led us all to believe that he really can sing, if only he puts his comical theatrics aside. The fact that he has been saved by the audience several times already, despite all attempts by the judges to get rid of him by having 5 contestants on probation, shows that he stands a strong chance of winning TPF3 tonight.

I’ve had a good laugh this past week watching Ng’ang’a’s appeals for votes from the audience. Whereas other contestants appeal for votes saying “I know I’m a good singer…” etc, Ng’ang’a feels jack for all that. All he wants is THE MONEY! “I can smell the money! Super-lito plus the 5 million-ito…” I’m tempted to say that he conforms to his ethnic stereotype, but we all know that tribal jokes are a no-go zone in Kenya these days.

3. Patricia (Kenya)

Patricia

Patricia has been, in my opinion, the strongest contestant ever since the beginning of the show. At some point, she was the clear favourite to win the Ksh 5 million. She has only been on probation once during the competition (save for last weekend where all contestants were on probation). She has wowed us with a string of brilliant performances, and she still remains my pick to win TPF3.

However, she will not win the competition. She earned herself stinging criticism from Kenyans on Facebook after she voted to save Ng’ang’a and have Debarl eliminated from the competition.

This is where I wonder which part of their anatomy is involved in some people’s thinking process, for I’m convinced that their mental faculties had taken a hiatus from their responsibilities. This is an INDIVIDUAL competition. The contestants did not go there to make friends or to have loyalties of whatever nature. They have to formulate strategies that will enhance their chances of winning. That’s what a competition is all about. All contestants knew from the day that they walked in, that at some point, they will be voted out by their fellow contestants.

There is no doubt that Debarl is talented, the man can sing! But after his below-par rendition of Nameless’ “Deadly” (which rivals Ng’ang’a’s rendition of a San Fan Thomas song for terrible-ness) he was bound to leave either way. What Patricia did was to employ logic, and a winning strategy to eliminate the stronger contestant, hoping that later on Ng’ang’a’s musical journey will come to an end. If Debarl had stayed in the competition, it would have made things very difficult for Patricia later on. If I had been in Patricia’s shoes, I would have done the same thing, and I’m sure that many of you agree with me. Sometimes in life, one has to make difficult, painful decisions.

4. Alpha (Rwanda)

Alpha

As things stand right now, Alpha stands the strongest chance of winning TPF3. He s a clear favourite among female voters, more so for his looks than his musical talent. I’m not trying to imply that he is not a good singer, that he is. My main criticism is that he is a shouter. The same view has been expressed by the judges. There is a clear difference between singing and shouting, and he is more of a professional in the latter. When it comes to reggae songs, Alpha is brilliant! His original composition was a joy to behold, in fact he earned himself a standing ovation from the audience after his performance. But his musical talent is only in one genre of music, reggae. Compared to Patricia, she is strong in several genres.

My Predictions

Two schools of thought exist as to what is supposed to happen tonight, as compared to what will actually happen.

Going purely by musical talent, my fellow tweeps suggest that the results SHOULD be as follows

1. Patricia (winner)
2. Alpha (1^st Runner Up)
3. Caroline (2^nd Runner Up)
4. Ng’ang’a

However, the second school of thought has it that the organizers of TPF3, East Africa Breweries Ltd (EABL), have to get their money’s worth in the end. This, after all, is a marketing venture for them. They already have a strong presence in Kenya and Tanzania, I dunno how well they’re doing in Uganda, but there is immense potential in Rwanda which is the next market that they intend to venture into. Therefore, it is in their best interests for Alpha to win the competition. I’m not trying to imply that EABL will rig the votes, but the fact that Alpha is the clear favourite amongst the female audience works perfectly in their favour. Ng’ang’a-lito is also another favourite amongst older female viewers and the gay community.

Therefore, the winner of TPF3 will not necessarily be the one who deserves to win based on musical talent.

Therefore, according to some of the members of #ChukiFM, myself included, the final results WILL be as follows.

1. Alpha/Ng’ang’a (on the basis of votes from female voters. Alpha will probably get the swing vote from Tanzania, who have no contestant left in the competition, while Kenyan ladies have been furiously voting in favour of Ng’ang’a)
2. Caroline (Ugandans will definitely vote for her)
3. Patricia (Ng’ang’a will have split the Kenyan votes to her detriment)

So, what do you make of my predictions? Feel free to share yours.

All in all, big ups to all the tweeps in #ChukiFM, (mko wengi, na mnajijua) for keeping this competition lively and entertaining! Special commendation goes to the big wise man from the mountain, the soothsayer himself, @mountainous for having all his probation predictions spot on during the entire competition.

Tune in to the grand finale tonight, only on Twitter.

A.O.B

But of course I had to throw in some Lumi! You know I had to!

Lumi

Eye candy! Forget the tu outfit, this woman is BEAUTIFUL!!!! Illuminata illuminated me, nikamulika, until she was er…eliminated. I cried that day, karibu I ran to her send off party at K1 to get Christian’s scrawny paws off her.

In other news…

It’s fair to say that we have been entertained by the contestants who appeared during the commercial breaks. The Michael Jackson wannabe (“I remember…when we…fell in loooooove…”) the Rwandan guy with “Baby Gar Baby Gar Baby gaaaaaaaar…..oooooooh Baby Gar!” and the Ugandan rastafari (gildigildigildi..brrrrrrrrbbaba) eh…do you think they got paid by EABL for being used in the adverts? I think they SHOULD be paid!!

What’s on my Playlist?

The Whisper Song – Beenie Man.